An awesome song atiqz introduced to me...now I'm in love with it.



Moi j'aurais voulu percer à nu
le coeur de tes secrets
Moi j'aurais voulu, en continu
goûter les secrets .
Mais je ne sais pas
ce que tu attends de moi,
Non je ne sais pas
ce que tu penses au fond

De toi à moi, il y a des choses qui ne s'expliquent pas,
tant elles se confondent,
tant elle sont profondes et légères à la fois,
De toi à moi, il y a, je crois, des mots qui n'osent pas,
des mots qui n'osent plus
C'est nos amours déçus sans le savoir,
De toi à moi ...

Moi j'aurais aimé te faire oublier
tes blessures de ton passé
Moi j'aurais aimé te faire voyager
si seulement j'étais prêt
Si je savais ce que j'attends de toi
si je savais ce que je pense au fond

De toi à moi, il y a des choses qui ne s'expliquent pas,
tant elles se confondent,
tant elle sont profondes et légères à la fois,
De toi à moi, il y a, je crois, des mots qui n'osent pas,
des mots qui n'osent plus
C'est nos amours déçus sans le savoir,
De toi à moi ...

On se relève peu à peu
Tout est nouveau, si mystérieux
Pour aimer, il faut être deux
Mais nos vieux fantômes rôdent encore
Avec du temps, on sera plus fort,
Ohohoh yeahhh

De toi à moi, il y a des choses qui ne s'expliquent pas,
tant elles se confondent,
tant elle sont profondes et légères à la fois,
De toi à moi, il y a, je crois, des mots qui n'osent pas,
des mots qui n'osent plus
C'est nos amours déçus sans le savoir,
De toi à moi

English Translation (I think)

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

(Chorus)
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around; I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of yo u
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

(Chorus)
[Bridge]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...Been waiting here

(Chorus)

Damn, I really should stop letting myself succumb to weakness. It's not helping!

I'm going for alumni band tonight. Surprised? I surprised myself for making that decision. I guess what I've heard was right. That's all I can say.

It's already the 29th. Work's starting next week...

Gotta keep working on the lullaby. There's a blaring wrong chord on the vid I uploaded to FB. I hate those single mistakes. A slip. A miss. Or someone msges me on msn.

Think I should get Twilight from Carmen today before meeting Qizheng for dinner. I'm going to need it for this Saturday's duty. But first! I've got the rest of today to finish up what's left of The Templar Legacy. And...more time on the piano. No, keyboard. Damn the thing.

Sleeping is still hard. hmmm.

I just got back from lunch at Jack's Place with my mum and grandma...had this T-bone steak which contained more fat than anything else! Damn it, I'm not having that ever again. I don't think I've felt this full for a long time...I even finished the dessert, which is a first for me at Jack's.

After that went to get my jacket and shoes which I'd been wanting for so long. I devoted some time to searching for them in KL but to no avail, and today I'd what I wanted within 10 meters of each other in a place I'd never thought I'd look in. BHG. =.= But I'm pretty happy with what I found so I won't complain!

Was supposed to meet CY to go to the gym today, but my lower body still hurts to hell from last night's parkour session with Sadil and Swee Khoon. Honestly, I haven't felt this kind of pain in my ass, thighs, quads, calves and abs since BMT. Damn mental blocks, I'm not as empty-minded as I was in the past. It was this lack of rational thought that allowed me to do stuff people would consider WTF!*@(%&!@(*&. I read from somewhere...when doing parkour it's best not to think. When we think we hinder ourselves from doing something stupid, which is, actually, in social perception, the basis of parkour or free running. Easy to think this way in a country like this. haha. I'm going out to parkour more often than not from now on! It's good exercise and great fun.

I'm less than 20 chapters away from finishing The Templar Legacy. After that I can finally move on to Twilight!! I wonder when I'm going to meet up with carmen to get the book from her. Reading from Edward's point of view as in Midnight Sun was refreshing too. I never knew how much he'd wanted to kill her in that biology class. haha...it's amazing. My 11 year old cousin made me a bookmark out of rough paper and tied an orange string to it to make it look pretty upon noticing I'd spent a lot of time reading. How thoughtful! Honestly his drawing isn't too good but it's the thought that counts, right! Now I don't need to flip through while finding where I last left off.

With another reference to Twilight...I'm currently addicted to Bella's Lullaby, the piece Edward serenaded Isabella with in the movie. It just sounds great and invokes a lot of emotion, though pretty simple. I haven't found a piece this compelling to play for a long, long time. Found the sheet music for it online but I had to make a few changes myself to better imitate the original from the soundtrack...so I re-arranged it in Finale. I hope the original arranger doesn't mind. I included his name as well as mine as the arrangers for the music, anyway. Damn, I still wish I had a proper piano to play on, and not this keyboard.

The New Year's only less than a week away! I wonder what 2009 will bring.

I can still recall it vividly. Should I be able to?

The train. The walks under the moonlight. The calm sea breeze. The rising smoke plumes in the distance. Dark island across the water. Boats. The close cropped grass. What looked like a vase in the water. The man flanked by a taller woman. The bridge and its narrow roads. The darkness between the plants and the condo. Chrysanthemum tea. My phone. The pier. The pier...

"Come, let me teach you..." "...this guy singing in the bushes..." "High five!" "Low five because you can't reach." "It's past one..." "We should go." "Wait..."

Interlocking...five

My sticky arms. Around..

Those...alluring eyes.

The cab. Being...close.

"He was furious."

The stairs.

"I want you...to be happy." "I don't want to leave." "Goodnight."

Goodnight.

Went out with cy, qz, ivan, swee khoon and farzana last night for dinner at citylink's Thai Express and then we watched Twilight at marina GV. Was looking forward to it! Sure beats rotting at home. On Christmas Day. Imagine that. Too bad mum couldn't join us.

Twilight was good, but I have to read the book. Farzana was right! They guys are good looking. Especially Carlisle. Edward pales in comparison to him (no pun intended). Not to sound gay though...I'm straight through and through! I think I'm gonna feel a bit weird reading the Twilight series given that I'm not the kind of person who indulges in romance...but I'm going to give it a shot anyway!

I hope she likes her Christmas gift. I honestly didn't have the faintest idea what I should have gotten her. I know cy liked his! Maybe he didn't want it, but he sure did need it. Maybe I should get that book from him when he's done with it. A lot of interesting face slapping detail in there. I should think qz likes his too! Damn, his gift was the laughing stock of the night. Check out my facebook if you want to know what it is. I got it by chance (though I was hoping for it), out of 3 other possible rewards. Hey, if you wanna check out farzana being her usual retarded self (well, she tends to hide that side of her most of the time), it's going to be all over my facebook too. haha.

It's been a good Christmas.

I kinda understand something I was told a few weeks ago.

Going to M'sia was something I had not looked forward to even before I was knocked out, and I came to dread it in the week leading up to the day I left. I didn't want to spend my weekend away from home, stuck in that hellhole of a country and trying to enjoy some things a melancholic just cannot do by himself. I was apprehensive and straight faced on the day of the departure...the emotion and expression I know all too well. I was married to this couple for quite some time.

True enough, I didn't enjoy myself. And not because I didn't want to. I really liked being around my cousins. They were funny, happy, always so energetic. They were my motivation for going out with my family every week since forever. It wasn't the places we would go, or the things we would do. It was all them. Anyway, I guess that place is just not for me if family is in the question.

People would have wondered, what's this topless guy doing just standing in the water and staring at who knows what? No, not a pretty girl, although there were a few who looked local, which was surprising at first. Pretty or not, I wasn't interested. Funny, how I've lost interest in this. I remember how chang yuan and I used to gawk at every sweet young thing who'd passed by in the past. Yeah. Gawk. And when he spotted one I didn't approve of I'd suggest he see an eye doctor. haha...you can't blame the guy, his degree in both eyes are above 1000.

It was strange. When I stopped walking while shopping or as I said, stood staring in the pool, I always managed to find myself trapped in this moment of hallucination. Strange, disturbing, yet subtly warming. Then I'd snap awake and survey the water fuelled chaos around me. Whole indian extended families grooving to techno, teenage boys screaming, couples flirting, kids having fun. I was pretty much in my own world for a while. Just a quiet spot...for myself and my thoughts.

Sleep was good. Dreamless, or just plain random dreams that didn't bother me when I woke up. On the last day I'd slept till past 11am, from midnight the previous night. I was always preoccupied with my reading at night while everyone got an early rest. Bought a new one, The Templar Legacy, also by Steve Berry. The Venetian Betrayal was good. No, to me, it was great. I actually felt regretful as I laid down the book after going through the final page. Conspiracies, fictional or not, are so my kind of thing.

Stranger was the fact that my appetite had gone on some kind of rampage while I was there. I needed something like 5 meals a day just to keep myself satisfied, not full. Must be everything coming back with a vengeance after that week of eating close to nothing every day. A good change...good change.

I was my grandma's walking stick the whole way during the trip. She'd been having a bad cough since the day before we left for KL, and still has it now. Had some trouble in her hip too, which hindered her walking. I guess it's only right I helped her along.

The ride back to the airport by van was accompanied by loud music from my psp. Another welcome change, since I'd avoided music for quite some time now. Tapping to the tunes of what were, and still are, my favourite tracks, I gazed out into the darkness of the KL night, my mind blank...any thought replaced by the gentle tingles of excitement I got from grooving drum beats and guitar-string ensembles. I found myself a nice song last week. It's called "Waiting Game" by Yellowcard. Lyrics are okay, but it's really the chords in the song that caught my attention. I have a thing for songs that 'sound nice' in addition to others with meaningful lyrics. Like they say, there's a song for every mood.

And in a naked slumber...I dream all this again.

Now, the crux of my opening statement...I felt melancholy as I arrived at the airport and consequently touched down at the budget terminal. I should have been happy, but I couldn't find the smile. Strange, how I felt so light hearted as I wasted my days away in KL, but once I was back on Singaporean soil, I felt heavier. Again. It just came to me, I suppose. I wasn't actually thinking of anything or anyone. Nothing, I imagine, was responsible for making me feel this way at the time. But I just felt it. It served as a reminder, one I'd prefer not to have.

Now I know what it means. Being away isn't escapism. It's relief.

It's Christmas Eve and my vision of partying the night away with my closest friends has quite effectively dissolved. This is going to be one disappointment of a Christmas.

I'm back but I'm not going to say anything about my trip as of yet!

Three nights have given me the grace of being able to peruse my memories further and picking out just a thing or two. I've actually slept well throughout the course of my trip! Honestly. The only mildly difficult thing was going to sleep. Darkness and blankness intertwined, it does have that similar effect all the time. haha.

Sometimes emotions get the better of you and your brain just goes blank; statements and questions go without answers or answers, you come to realize later, were just not what you had intended. Speaking from the surface is almost too easy to do! It isn't always easy to speak from the soul on a whim =) Ever regret being in such a predicament?

I want you.

"I don't. I need you."

I want you to be happy.

"I am. Right here and right now. With you. There's been no greater happiness inside me other than what I'm feeling here tonight."

Do you love me?

"Something tells me...more than I'd ever imagined, and deeper than all the fathoms of the oceans and seas."

What is it you really want?

"I want this moment to last forever."

It's Christmas Eve.

Soon I'll be leaving for the airport. Perhaps this short escape will give me some time to think about what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I'll be doing in the future. It's hard...the terror of closing my eyes, the fear of going anywhere and everywhere alone, the music I avoid. If this were a boxing match in which I'd just been floored by a punishing blow, I would say I've just grasped the first rope and I'm on my way to standing up again.

It's strange, sometimes, when I feel I'm much less affected by the nerve-wracking torment, but I always find myself in that same spot everyday and it feels as if it's something that I have to go through even though I might not want to. It's also frustrating to know that I'm constantly pondering over things I can't change. It's a waste as well as a burden, though I can't say this is a huge burden to me, although it's the biggest. What's the use of crying over spilt milk? Pardon the cliche.

Circumstances rule men, not men circumstances.

It is no use worrying over things you cannot control.

What chilling blows we suffer - thanks to our own conflicting wills - whenever we show these mortal men some kindness.

This could be right or wrong. It really depends. Such is the complexity of humankind.

And pain becomes a way of life as much as something feared by humans...in one way or another we have to accept that fact that we were born to experience pain and suffering and are only purged and delivered of these afflictions when we finally die. It is the consequence of what we lose in our lives.

The lot of man is to suffer and die. What's gone is of no consequence.

Of course I'd have realized by now that since what's happened has happened, whatever matters that used to have concerned me so deeply is quite simply...none of my business anymore. Well, at least, some of them. Perhaps...the trick to life is not to be too attached to anything. Emotionally, at least. I used to find this idea wrong and quite frankly I still do. It's some kind of escapism where you refuse to accept something for fear of losing it.

Everyday we get stronger, stronger than yesterday, and on the following day, we will find ourselves better able to tackle life's many challenges, some foreseen, and some of the nasty surprises we always come to loathe and fear. I feel...slightly stronger than I'd been a few weeks ago. Slightly.

I wish I'd been able to take this much better than I've had. Not to the extent of being woefully superficial, of course. I don't want to be superficial...I think it makes a person come across as a cold, heartless individual with no concern for the feelings of others. Yeah, maybe I've been that person. And I regret it. It's a side of me I never want to show again.

Till next Wednesday...goodbye.

Today's been a little awkward in places.

I'd received ang paos from both my aunts, my grandma and my mum as advance gifts for my birthday...totaling $250. I always feel so embarrassed when taking money from them when I know they're no more well off than I am! Especially my grandma, she's already so old, but still insists that I take money from her on several ocassions. My aunts find financial dilemma commonplace and my mum's stress levels clearly go through the roof everytime the credit card and utility bills arrive. You guys must think I'm crazy for not being willing to accept money, but, it just doesn't feel right.

Even more awkward, before I left the house today a postman arrived at my door urging me to sign an acknowledgement slip before passing me a rather large package. Being curious, I retreated to my room for a while to find out what exactly it was that arrived inside. I tore it open and got an honest, confusing surprise. Inside I found two polo tees, one from Van Heusen and the other from Arnold Palmers, a keychain bearing my name, a Picard wallet, a birthday card and to top it all off, a Solvil Titus watch which looked pretty cool.

I know I shouldn't complain, but the tees came in M and S sizes, the Picard wallet just didn't strike my fancy and unfortunately...I don't wear watches. haha. But I do appreciate the gesture! It's really the thought that counts. And no, I won't reveal who gave these items to me.

I also bought a book today from Borders after lunching with atiqz at Wheelock's Sakae. I had such a great time with her! Was so god damn full I had to throw up air twice on the way home. Thankfully I feel much better now. Imagine being on the verge of throwing up for a full 30 minutes and then having to wait outside the toilet cubicles after realizing they're all occupied.

Well anyway, I picked up 'The Venetian Betrayal' by Steve Berry, after shortlisting a few other conspiracy-oriented books...like 'The Bible of Clay' by Julia Navarro, 'Fivefold' by Nathan Burrage, and a couple others I found pretty interesting. I could only buy one though! Buying more than one at a time could backfire if I suddenly decided I'd lost interest. Fortunately The Venetian Betrayal was an addicting read right from the start, and I'm looking forward to devoting my time to finishing this book and moving on to another gripping conspiracy. I guess spending my time reading is wayyyyyy more productive than endlessly Facebooking and trying desperately to improve my Word Challenge score. haha! these few weeks have just been...boring, you know?

I was looking through the archives of my older posts in the previous years...I kinda miss the way I blogged in the past! They would be detailed choronological memorials of my days, more so than the endless verbosity of spewing thought and philosophy that I find myself so commonly posting nowadays. I remember the time when I was addicted to suffixing my words with 'x's and 'z's, and having fallen prey to the inexplicable seduction of random capitalisation. It's not strange how I find all that rather irking now. It's even stranger how I realize I was once guilty of it! Well I guess we all have our styles!

I've made it a point to take the stairs as much as I can from now on, and go to the gym at least on alternate days during the block leave, as well as after I begin working again next year. Getting Gold for IPPT has recently become a short term goal for me...why be stuck at Silver when I can hopefully achieve a timing of <9:45mins style="font-style: italic;">hate running. but I'll make it a point to run just for that badge. No, I don't train for fitness. I train to maintain my image and that occasional IPPT.

Four pieces of chocolate are now sitting on my table...soon they shall be in my stomach. muahaha. If my mum's colleagues are going to give me chocolate, by God, why not give me a whole pack of one kind instead of one piece of every kind? I find the former a lot more satisfying.

I realized at work today that as of yesterday, my outstanding off balance is well...zero. I initially intended to take a full day off tmr because I'm meeting atiqz...wanted to meet her for lunch at wheelock's sakae den maybe chill out at some coffee place till the night BUT since now I can only meet her in the evening it looks as if our meeting is going to have to be cut short. Why does something like this happen everytime something important has to be done?

I shouldn't have taken so many halfdays last week. haha. It isn't so bad working a full day...its just that the practice gets boring sometimes. I do realize that there's still a lot of things I can work on. This four way independence thing is starting to get on my nerves. And percussionists out there who think you've accomplished a bundle and you think you're at the top of your league just because you've run through a good drum book, think again. I know there are literally thousands of ways you could practice a single passage. Yes. One passage. So pick up your sticks, guys (and girls), it's time to go back to Stick Control with the hundreds of bass / hi-hat independence exercises to accompany it!

Working days are coming to an end, well tomorrow, actually. And then it's time to set off the M'sia...I do wonder how I'm going to survive over there. Better remember to bring my pencil. I don't want to end up having my arm chopped off just because I wouldn't surrender my slippers. I expect to have a lot of fun over there...although I do agree going anywhere would be more fun with friends. Not that I'm saying I don't appreciate the time with my family! Well you guys get the idea.

I'll be back past midnight on the 23rd, which means that entire day is gone. And on the next day I'll be having that makan session with Central Band at err...was it Taka? Well I don't know. All I know is I want to spend my Christmas Eve fulfillingly with my friends! I wonder what they have in mind. If they're planning on partying through the night then I'll have to gargle with caffeine to keep me awake. I'm always the first to doze off at night. Some people would know!

Truth be told, I haven't made any plans, haven't bought any gifts, haven't written any cards. No Christmas spirit? Maybe. I've got a wallet for that, but the spirit...well, let's just say it flew South for the winter. If there's someone I know who has Christmas spirit, it's gotta be mum. She's been writing Christmas cards for people since last week with stunning haste. Must be at the pace of a Vietnamese Nike shoe factory worker. She does put in so much effort to make Christmas that much happier and warmer for the people she knows...I admire that.

That's what Christmas is about, I think. Peace, love, warmth by the fireplace, and pure happiness that lasts till after the New Year. It's a magical season. The lights and sounds in town during Christmas...they're beautiful and every year they never cease to awe. Especially at night. The colours are just amazing. And the people everywhere! You never seem to feel alone. It's the culmination of the peoples' desire to live life and make merry, to dream a Christmas dream and enjoy the gift of the most perfect holiday of the year. Merry Christmas.

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Now, if only all men could see things this way. Well, yes, I do. And no, just because God said it doesn't mean I've had my faith restored =)

Have a good one!

I need to say it I need to say it I need to say it I need to say it I need to say it I need to say it!

Last night I went to Minds (Mindz?) Cafe at Tampines SAFRA to celebrate my birthday in advance and it was totally AWESOME. I'd had the biggest surprise of my life and it made my jaw just drop and stay there for a few minutes because I couldn't believe what I was seeing at some point. It's also been the most happy moment for me in a period of time where everything just seemed so dark and gloomy.

Thank you SO MUCH mum, chang yuan and qizheng for helping make this happen. I can't thank you enough for what you've done and the joy last night brought into the life of someone who, just a week ago, felt like he'd lost everything. It was so much fun and I've not laughed like that in ages! Sometimes I get the feeling last night wasn't real. haha. If I could, I would have stopped time and lived last night for so much longer. You don't need to tell me that I was glowing last night. I know.

I've had a few more uncertainties cleared up last night too whilst on a long walk and well...stand. haha. It was really really comforting to be able to know what I found out last night, and it really helped in the process of me trying to get back up and stumble on in life. It means so much to be able to understand just that little bit more, and talk about it eye to eye.

Keep fighting, be strong, and take it real easy...I know you can.

"One of a Kind"

You stare into the mirror
And wonder everyday
Where's this girl gone, and what is this pain

Your eyes, they show the heartache
And inside you feel the heartbreak
But it's okay...it's alright to feel this way

The words you used to say to him before you went to sleep
The dreams you used to have at night and the love you felt so deep
You think they're gone, they're lost because you've lost yourself
You don't have to cry
No matter what, I think you're one of a kind

The feelings never leave, my dear
They're locked away and out of sight
It's not something that you can't keep
Though it hurts you deep inside
They just remind
They tell you how you used to be

So fine
The days you felt that you could just stop time
And say that "every moment here is mine"
You miss those days where everything's alright
Just tell him you love him tonight

The words you used to say to him before you went to sleep
The dreams you used to have at night and the love you felt so deep
You think they're gone, they're lost because you've lost yourself
You don't have to cry
No matter what, I think you're one of a kind

Don't be afraid to tell him the same
You're one of a kind

Everyday halfday, slacker, who says, not me, no way, still taking...halfdays.

Going out tonight with cy, qz and mum to 'celebrate' this thing i have called a 'birthday' which is like next week so its still early...Big deal. Just a birthday. For me, I mean. I still take my friends' birthdays seriously!

No, I don't think I've any profundity in me today. Not the slightest bit. I guess its just one of those days where I laugh too much, smile too wide and as a result I transform back from the compulsive thinker to just...me. Happy go lucky, worryless, laid back, lazy...me. Is it the worse side? I don't know myself. haha.

I keep wondering if there are sides of me that even I haven't discovered yet. Then again, how do I look for them if I don't know what I'm looking for? I guess its just when things happen and the ways in which you react to those situations reveal to you more of your inner self than you'd ever imagine.

Experience...has this tendency to change a person. People are inclined to live their lives under the close guidance of past experience, especially if those experiences were negative in nature. Is it possible to continue living life as it were whilst keeping those experiences close to you, but not allowing them to alter yourself as a whole? It's difficult to allow change when you realize certain experiences spawn sides of you you'd rather people not see. They begin to question, to doubt, to ostracize, to fear and quite possibly begin to lose trust. Self control? Selective conditioning? It all seems deeply complicated. And is it even necessary in the first place? You hide your demons even when people already know you're capable of releasing them...they start to look at your differently as a result.

So much for no profundity.

I wonder if I've changed much over the past few weeks. Suddenly I see being brutally honest as a trait rather untactful in nature. I don't think it's the same as being straightforward. Being straightforward is being direct and transparent, but the words that come out don't always have to result in hurt feelings. Being brutally honest is different. The term says it all. No, not honest. Brutally. Has a darker side of my spawned somewhere inside and am I trying to drive it back down to the oblivion from which it emerged?

The Christmas season is here...and!!!!! I don't feel all 'christmas-y' inside. Oh, the anticipation of going out with friends and coming home the next morning...the food, the fun, the laughter, the holiday spirit!!! not. Nope. Don't get the vibe.

We should be having some kind of Christmas concert instead of some performance at TTS Hospital. Yeah, the one I'm not involved in. I think Christmas songs are so wonderful and they really bring out the spirit in people. We should be sharing this spirit at the Esplanade!! Seems to me this Christmas is going to be as much of a disappointment as all the others I've had. So...discouraging.

Friday + Wheelock Sakae + Atiqzzz = Happy day!

Hey look, it's already like 11:10...I've been up for the past two hours spending my time practicing on my guitar (and still feeling pretty miserable because I suck at it) and playing Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence on the piano. It feels much better playing the piano because I actually know what I'm doing. haha. Uhuh, I'm home today because I've got off for doing the parade on saturday. Yeah, slack, good life, whatever.

It's been a long time since I've started practicing this song and I still find myself sight-reading most of the time. It's a wonderful piece and I wanna be able to play it as smoothly and expressively as Mr. Sakamoto did when he performed it. It's not impossible! I probably just need the long, flowing hair that covers my entire face and a whole lot of japanese soul. Okay nevermind. I'll stick to being me. That pinky finger on my left hand still feels mighty retarded in the last section with the octave tremolos...training, training, training! It used to feel so much better playing on a real piano. Damn, I should've just gotten my mum to have the current upright in my living room replaced.

I miss those days where I could just sit at the piano for hours playing my favourites...Chopin, Final Fantasy...well mostly Chopin. I loved his nocturnes. So peaceful...so very very expressive, I feel as if it's entirely up to me how I want to interpret and perform it. Tempo and time become secondary behind an endless stream of slurring rubato and endless possiblities for dynamics. I can't get that kind of feeling now when I play on my digital keyboard. They keys are just too light. I don't get the 'oomph' out of landing a huge fff chord which used to send a slight tremor through the floor. And the resonance of those kind of chords were fantastic...you could hear it echo in your mind long after you've played it.

Hmmm...time to dig out my Chopin book.

My plans for today are....to watch the Merry Spongy Xmas Marathon on Nickelodeon from 12 to 2pm and The Suite Life of Zack & Cody on Disney Channel from 4:30 to 6pm. No, I don't care if you call me a kid!

These dreams...they don't stop coming to me. Why......why why why why why why why why why do I go to sleep everynight and wake up feeling the same!!!!!!! It's touching, it's frustrating, it's...well I don't really know whether I want them or not. hahahaha. Honestly. I've no idea what I feel about them.

I think I can finally start looking decent in photos again. I took one with mum in the cinema yesterday and boy did it feel good smiling big, bright and wide. And seeing how I did it afterward. I think it was the jacket. HAHA! The last time I flashed that kind of smile I was in that red/white Nike jacket too. Well I did smile real great in the past two months too, just didn't capture them on camera. How could I? I was smiling all the time in the initial stages. Could've taken a damn 24/7 video. You guys would be surprised! Ah, the feeling of true happiness. Pure, worryless, everyday full of bright anticipation! I was glowing everyday. At least I had the chance of experiencing it.

I'd love to keep smiling this way.

Heed my words, fellow mortals.

Thou shalt not watch The Day The Earth Stood Still. For it sucks. And all you who choose to forsake this commandment shall feel the despair of wasted money.

Today I grow closer, fonder and humbler to someone while at the same time swallowing my pride to do so. Pride isn't as important as family.

Does anyone think blogging every single day is a little excessive? And multiple posts per day at that...I think I just have too much to say! haha!

Sometimes I feel this huge urge to blog but end up having nothing to say after clicking 'new post'. Maybe what my friend said to me last night had some truth to it. Why keep a diary which everyone can see? They end up knowing a little too much about your life and then start bombarding you with questions you realize you don't want to answer. Why attract all the unnecessary attention? So I told him, well, for me it's a way to update people about my life and what's been going on. It'd be tiring tell the same story over and over again to different people on MSN when you could just blog about it and let everyone take a look.

Then again, there are a lot of personal things that you just can't blog about. Not that I care, apparently. hahaha. I've been pouring my heart out in almost every single post for the past few weeks. Too much information? Or too little censorship?

Maybe I'm just like this; when I've got something bugging me inside, I feel the need to talk about it, and instead of personally going up to someone and expecting him or her to hear me out, I talk about it to blogger first. And we all know how bad blogger is at keeping a secret, eh? haha. It gets out on the web and poof, hey, everyone knows. Yes, I knew that. But I always find myself doing both; blogging first, and talking to people about it later. You could say it's a kind of passive and active communication, I suppose.

I'm not someone who likes to bottle things up inside, be they things that make me happy, or things that make me sad. For the latter, constantly filling yourself with sadness and not providing an outlet of relief can prove to be very detrimental. You start to sink deeper and deeper into the darkness and start to lose your grip on things and on life. You become depressed, develop symptoms like self-hatred, the loss in ability to communicate with others, and an inability to carry out day-to-day tasks with the same effectiveness, amongst other things. I've always believed in talking to people about my troubles so I can feel better later. It's not in any way shameful to have to confide in someone and lighten the burden on your soul.

Hey, what do you know...I went from 'nothing to say' to...too much to say. haha.

I'm glad I got to sleep a little more today. I haven't been getting enough sleep for the whole week and it was starting to take its toll on me. I'd either wake up halfway during the night, or find myself wide awake staring at the ceiling at such times as 7am in the morning when I could actually sleep in. I felt tired, but couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep. But it's getting better.

Appetite seems to be coming back slowly, too. I can't afford to lose any more weight than I already have! Yesteryday when I put on my no.1, It felt a lot looser around the neck, and it's usually so tight my skin would be bulging over the collar, and it'd be hard to breathe. I thought the uniform had expanded after washing. Damn! haha.

Speaking of yesterday, some of my SAF Band mates knew how uncomfortable I felt being at SAFTI yesterday, being surrounded by the cadets who would graduate in just a matter of hours. You could say I was filled with regret knowing the fact that I could have been here if I'd wanted to. I felt inferior knowing that I'd wanted to be an officer and that was my goal for NS, at least until I went to BMT. Things...changed, and I ended up making the choice I felt was second best. This is why the OCS Comms Parade is the only parade I've really disliked doing. Second best...should we always have to settle for second best when the best is within our reach? But I guess I had made my choice and I'll have to live with what I have and what will be in the future.

our dreams are pathways filled with thorns, thumbtacks, tripwire mines and over and around those pathways, a roof and surrounding walls of barbed wire. Did I mention the thumbtacks are sticking out of the ground and are immovable? The only way to get to our dreams is to squirm and crawl and keep going even when the pain is excruciating and there are deadly obstacles in our way. Along the way we notice openings in the wire, opportunities to get out and walk the paths of lush greenery, rainbows, endless surrounding beauty and a travellator. If we choose to escape the torment and submit to taking those paths, we will never see the Paradise that is the end of our journey to realize our dreams.

Strange, I only started to feel the drain from the OCS Comms Parade when I got home. Exhaustion must take some time to sink in for me too, I guess. haha.

Yes, I was eating my heart out at SAFTI.

I met Benedict, Hao Yi and Sadil there...Sadil looked damn happy and I'm happy for him. He'd been through 9 months of shit and now he's finally getting out! And with a staff officer job at that.

Does anyone else think the word 'beautiful' is underrated? I seem to think it's overused, underestimated and just plain not given the respect of being subtely sacred as a word. I guess some people just have a very simplistic view of what the word means. To them it could be something along the line of "oh yeah, a beautiful person is attractive on exterior".

Again with the obsession of taking things at face value.

I feel that 'beautiful' defines everything you love about a person on the outside and inside in one word. What do you think?

emotions are so dangerous sometimes.. they blind you and inconspicuously, bind you and when you lose it, you're stuck, bound in chains to it.

I know I've screwed up more than once over the past few days, and it wasn't fair to you at all that I continued to be that way, having no regard for your feelings, asking you questions you weren't prepared to answer. I know how frustrated that makes you feel. I never meant and never want to hurt your feelings...because it takes away that smile from your face that's what makes you so perfect in my eyes. So beautiful. I tried to apologize but you didn't want to hear it...I can understand why. And it's okay if you don't want to forgive me...but just let me say

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm Sorry"

I'm sorry
For all the hurtful things I've said
For the times I always disrespect
I know
You expected so much more of me but

No
It was this side of me I chose to show
Not the sensitive guy whom you've always known
Do you really think I've changed?

[Chorus]
I wish that I could take back all the things that I've done wrong
It's just not me to be this way, so careless and so cold
I never meant to hurt your feelings but I did, I know
If I told you that I'm sorry would you say you'd let it go?
I'm so sorry.

I failed to see
That you were hurting inside just as much as me
That I wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep
I guess I thought
You were taking it much better

It seemed
As if you're so ready to let go of me
And forget the times, those nights, those memories
The ones I think of everyday
Those things I know I'll never have again
I didn't want it to end

I wish that I could take back all the things that I've done wrong
It's just not me to be this way, so careless and so cold
I never meant to hurt your feelings but I did, I know
If I told you that I'm sorry would you say you'd let it go?
I'm so sorry.

Sigh, dreams have this extremely bad habit of popping up at really bad times. They never visited me when I was down and so upset everyday but now that I'm finally starting to try to pull away from the emotional phase of everything, IT COMES TO ME! yeah, it came to me last night. As usual, when I'd encountered dreams like that in the past, there are almost always a set of emotions and actions that follow when you wake up.

The first thing I always say when I open my eyes : "Oh god. No. I woke up." And I know it's useless to go back to sleep in the hopes of picking up where I left off, because whenever I try, I dream something different.

And I spend the next few minutes, staring at the ceiling, quietly relishing whatever I can recall, suppressing that idiotic smile and savouring the fluttering feeling in my abdomen.

After which I sink down into a state of mild depression upon realizing, hey, it's only a dream. Like it's going to come true. Damn. haha.

And after that, it bugs you for the whole day. Holy crap, I've got OCS parade today and I have this to constantly poke at my brain and stomach the whole day?

The thing I find most deeply touching about these dreams is the fact that I feel I can taste, hear, feel, and oh...smell, as keenly as I would in reality. The images aren't fuzzy. The sensations, the things I touch with my hands are as real as I can remember feeling in real life, because I KNOW how it feels like in real life. The smell. Oh man, the smell. That just brought everything back. All those things are what made those dreams feel so real, and that makes up most of the reason why they bug you afterward.

Sigh, I guess its just this kind of thing that never fail to remind you...I know I'm still missing, still needing, and now it feels like I will for a long, long time.

On a different note, a friend of mine has offered to help me record my music as he's got a self-setup, self-maintained recording studio right in his own house. Apparently he said my songs looked good so I'll give it a shot. Like mum said, it takes the heartbroken to help the broken hearted! I find that so true now. I've got a total of 8 songs as of today, and I'm not sure if I'm going to stop here.

I write music when I stop to ponder and recall...something I'm trying to do less of from now on. Perhaps when I feel the drive and inspiration I'll try to write again. When I'm done recording the songs, probably sometime early next year, I'll compile them into an album called "Answers to Freedom". Credit goes to my dear cousin atiqz for coming up with that name! BIG CREDIT, okay!!!! happy now? haha.

Right now, I'll have to continue practicing hard on my guitar playing; I suck at it, honestly. I haven't picked up my guitar since 2 years ago when I let it waste away in its softcase behind my tv in my room and now that I've brought it back to life, I don't think I should stop halfway again.

And another thing, I don't know why but I've developed this strange addiction to looking for Facebook groups that describe me best. haha...it's only been a few days and already I'm a member of 65 groups, some joined on impulse. Here' something I just came across yesterday, and found most if not all of its content to be VERY TRUE! Whether you agree or not, that's your call. But guys, you should understand why I feel this way =)

60 Things Girls Need to Understand about Guys

The new year will be arriving in around two weeks, and it's surprising that it's only now I've recalled something everyone makes in preparations for the New Year. Something I haven't really done or at least followed conscientiously for most of my life.

New Years' Resolutions.

What am I supposed to do about that? haha.

This year has been...reflective. It showed me a lot about myself that I never really noticed in my past life. It's mostly attributed to the fact that I had to go for NS. I saw my weaknesses; how I succumbed to the seduction of shortcuts and attractions, how I failed to strengthen my mind, body and soul even when given the opportunity to do so.

It kind of renewed my definition, my feelings about, and my attitude towards love and all its intricacies.

This year I came to believe that faith was something that didn't exist; that the world had its way and Heaven sometimes made the wrong choices...and as a result the innocent on the ground suffered for them.

I had strengthened relationships with people, relationships I never expected to grow to such heights and depths. With Sheryl, my ever caring, ever concerned, ever wise, ever considerate, sweet, amicable, laughable, god-mum. An unbreakable pillar of strength, trust and wisdom. There was nothing I couldn't share with her. With my cousin Atiqah, my closest cousin from my Dad's side whom I had become distanced from since I came of age, and now to whom I'd learned to pour out my grievances and bare my soul to, always there to make me feel better and help me to move on with life

This year has been a roller coaster ride of immense euphoria and crushing pain. I can safely say I've extended my known limits of inner emotion beyond which I had understood before. It's been...humbling to have been given this gift as a reminder of what the human heart and soul is capable of experiencing in life. It makes you more willing to go out and search for more things that could further extend the limits of your happiness and yet more terrified of having experiences that could cause you more pain that you thought you could possibly endure. Intense pleasure and pain strengthens you inside.

It has been an emotional year for me, I could say the very least. It's also been a year with great memories, most, if not all of which I intend to carry with me for the rest of my life.

I quote a line of lyrics from "Like a Knife" by Secondhand Serenade :

These streets are filled with memories, both perfect and in pain

When I walk these streets and revisit these places, I'll always be reminded of the memories I had. They were good...good while they lasted.

Come to think of it, December seems to be some kind of a purgatory of sorts, where you're punished for the sins you committed in the year. It's the rainy season too. The rain...it comes and attempts to wash away the blood, the pain, and heal the scars. It doesn't always work.

New Years' issues aside, it's been almost a week.

It's been painful and difficult but I feel it's time to stop brooding, or 'moping', as my mum calls it, and move on with my life. Too many people at work have asked "Why do you look so sian?" "What's wrong?" and said, albeit futilely, "Cheer up" "Relax" "Don't think so much". For too long has my mum and grandma seen me in this state of emotional shock. It's time to revisit my days of boundless joy, laughter, and tasteful sarcasm. Perhaps I still harbour the hope that things will turn out the way I'd wanted from the start, but maybe I should put this hope aside for the moment, and let nature take its course.

I was reborn every week for 3 weeks just two months or less ago.

It's time to be reborn again.

As you try and try each passing day, you never fail to always say, the feelings never go away and you cry about them deep inside, everyday. I believe the feelings and memories of the past will follow a person wherever he goes, even bad ones. And I believe its these feelings and memories that will never leave a person's soul.

It's a burn mark, some sort of misprint on his soul, the mistake on the blueprint of life, the source from which problems like mental pain and heartfelt suffering are born everyday. Sometimes these problems become so minuscule that you think you've learnt to let them go and you're ready to move on, but in reality, they're still buried so deep inside, though they don't seem to bother you anymore.

The point is, once a person is hurt, he will never stop hurting. It's just the magnitude of his suffering that determines how much he's affected by it and how much of a hindrance it is to living his life.

I believe that the feelings and memories will never leave. They get replaced. Replaced by something or someone you feel can humbly take the place of the one who gave you those feelings and memories in the past. The only thing holding you back is the uncertainty of whether that person can give you the feelings and memories you'd learn to cherish over and above that which remain and haunt you.

There's no such thing as waking up one morning and thinking "I'm ready to move on". But there's such a thing as thinking "I'm ready to accept someone else to help me move on." It's the same concept as memory; when you've absorbed too much new material the older material gets forgotten to 'make way' for the new.

Your freedom depends not on when you'll be released as you've patiently served your time. It depends on when you want to be free.

This is what I believe.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Freedom"

You say you're afraid
You're feeling stuck and you can't let go of the pain
You wonder when you'll be unshackled from these chains
The freedom you seek everyday

You say move on
Don't think its fair I play the waiting game; too long
You think I'll just pick up some girl and then I'm gone
Sorry to say, I think you're wrong

[Chorus]
Look at me, baby
Can't you see
My heart still bleeds
And the pain within these eyes, and you know
You and me
Are meant to be, so
Why won't you just move on with me, when you know
I can set you free

Why did you lie?
You said that better things would come and yes I tried
And when I did that you just left and let it die
Why?
When you made me feel like I could fly, oh

You said
You believed that things would be great if we were this way
You told me, be my baby, you wanted me to stay
I did and then you left me hanging

Look at me, baby
Can't you see
My heart still bleeds
And the pain within these eyes, and you know
You and me
Are meant to be, so
Why won't you just move on with me, when you know
I can set you free

Can you look me in the eyes
And tell me after all those nights
You don't feel anything for me?
If you can't, then

Don't tell me to be your friend
Don't be afraid dear, take my hand
You know I can make everything alright
Step into the light, and

Look at me, baby
Can't you see
My heart still bleeds
And the pain within these eyes, and you know
You and me
Are meant to be, so
Why won't you just move on with me, when you know

I can set you free

I'm so grateful to have someone like mum to lean on when I'm down, desperate and downright bleeding. It's a blessing to be able to have someone you can pour out everything to with a clean conscience, someone you can trust wholeheartedly with everything you say, and someone who listens earnestly and always tries to give a balanced, personal and thoughtful opinion. Moreover, it pays to have someone who actually understands what you're talking about because she's gone through it. It's even more difficult to find someone who sincerely cares about your feelings and offers solace when you seek it...that's my mum, well she's not my real mum, but she's still awesome. I really feel lucky to have someone like her to depend on, and she always has the time to meet up with me when I need to talk, need comfort and direction. I really feel bad sometimes because I feel I've been taking up too much of her time, flooding her inbox too much. haha...I'll try not to look for you unnecessarily, okay?? Thanks so much for being my pillar of strength during a time when I need it so much. You're the only person right now I could willingly bare all of my soul to without fear or uncertainty.

Thanks so much =) loves!

Today had OCS parade rehearsal. Nothing much to say...I admit I was eating my heart out the whole time. Damn zhai. They're commissioning in just 2 days. 9 months of hell and it'll all be over after 2 days. They'll be recognized as some of the best soldiers in the SAF, and I really respect that.

Ah...the art of embracing one's pain and living with it as a part of you. I wonder if it's the wrong (or rather discouraged) practice to adopt. When you feel pain, the first thing you want is to get rid of it, because it's just an undesirable feeling. But I realized, it's the pain which reminds you of things, it literally burns into you the memories you used to love but now only hurt you inside. Its strange how you wake up on two separate occasions, one before the incident and one after. In the former, you could wake up one morning relishing the happiness found in a certain past, and in the latter, you suffer in pain and regret while thinking of that same past.

Memories...there's a certain ambiguity to them. You'd want to forget the bad ones and keep the good ones for obvious reasons. Thing is, sometimes even good memories can turn bad. And the truth is, well at least, I believe, bad memories will tend to follow you wherever you go, and sometimes the bits and pieces will never leave. Most of the time, people feel they need to let go of these memories because it holds them back and hurts them inside. Of course, there's an extent to the definition of bad memories. There's a difference between losing a family member and a lover, for example. Lovers can be replaced, but blood is thicker than water, and family members can never be replaced.

What people don't tend to see is the fact that even bad memories serve a purpose. They constantly, albeit painfully, remind you of a person, or something. In this case let's say it's a person. They remind you of how you used to feel about the person. How the person lived, looked like, sounded, even smelt like. They burn that image and likeness of the person into your heart and its that painful scar left behind that's left for you as a source of memories about that person. In essence, it immortalizes someone within you, like painting a picture on your soul. In the case of family, that would be something you'd want to have and keep, and refer to fondly. In that of an ex-lover, well, that's up to you to decide. I have to agree there are just some things about ex-lovers not worth remembering. Those are the hindrances in your life...the chains that bind, and hold you back from experiencing the better things in life.

hmm...the chains that bind.

I met mum for a late lunch after her driving class yesterday, went to have fried fish noodles at TM foodcourt...the one I haven't had for the longest time. I didn't notice the foodcourt had been renovated till I visited it yesterday. It felt good, being able to eat properly for once. I haven't been eating much, and I feel I've started losing weight as a result. It's very frustrating when you know you can't afford to lose weight, but even when you feel so hungry inside, you just can't stomach what's on your plate...appetite can be a bitch.

So is losing sleep. I slept at around 11pm last night and woke up so many times in the middle of the night, found myself staring into space for a while each time before falling back to sleep. It's hard to sleep well when you've got a lot of things on your mind and your insides hurt all the time. Woke up at 9 which is considered quite late....wanted to get up at 7:30 but I fell back asleep after my mum told me to rest more. Hungry, can't eat...tired, can't sleep...sigh, it's a difficult phase.

Well anyway, after lunch we went to coffee bean to sit down, chat and enjoy a couple of drinks. She had a miacchiato with a single shot of espresso which came in a tiny cup which she found super cute. I would've been pissed. haha. But she enjoyed it...I had this thing called "White Chocolate Dream", which just tasted like sweet coffee, if you ask me. Didn't finish it because I felt a little bloated. I hate that feeling. We stayed there till around 8:45pm...there was just so much to talk about, and she helped me look at things from so many other angles which I didn't see before. If you're talking about making me feel better, well, i didn't at all, really. It just hurt more, but if it's a conscience that's being considered, I guess it does clear it up a little.

Till now, I still can't make sense of what's been going on and what is it really the reason for what came to be, because it was just so hard to believe one thing or the other because of the ambiguity of everything. One must come to love and hate the ambiguity of all things, I told her...She said that there were always two reasons for everything, and both could seem to make a lot of sense but in reality you could only afford to believe and trust one of them, and sitting on the fence is not an option, because, as I'd liked to say, sitting on the fence hurts because it pokes your ass. Choosing a side...can be extremely difficult, especially when you still don't have a solid idea about the basis of all things. It's been a while but I still can't bring myself to pick a side and stay there. I'm still on the fence, and yes, it really hurts. It hurts inside. Some things...just don't make sense to you.

I told her that when you've fallen deeply in love you would regard that person as your pillar of strength, your motivation, your inspiration to do anything and everything, and the source of your boundless energy for life and all its pleasures because life just seemed to be more worth living with that person in your heart and touching your very soul. And what motivation to do things and achieve for yourself inevitably becomes that which you would succeed for that person's sake as well as your own, because you think, if I'd made myself happy for succeeding, that person would be happy too. Then when that person...is gone, when that person was gone...I lost all my strength. I've been spending the past few days, not being able to eat, sleep, or laugh like I used to. I couldn't focus, I couldn't do things properly or as well as I could before. I depended so much on that person for my strength and...well...it backfired.

I know I've always told myself to live for myself and nobody else, not to live up to someone else's expectations and do enough to make yourself feel you've achieved something, not do enough to please others. Well in most cases, that would be true. Life would be a lie if we lived to please others. I've realized that for the past two months I hadn't been living for myself but for someone else instead. It's strange how you don't realize you're not doing things for yourself anymore, and then it dawns on you when everything falls apart and you lose your power to live life.

Yeah, I should know that I'm not the only one with lousy appetite and sleeping issues.

I'm back from camp...yesterday I had BO duty which means I had to stay in, and the enormous excess of free time due to that gave me the opportunity to ponder, think, and remember a lot of things, and I also had the privilege of being able to pen them down though I was hopelessly short of paper. The songs you see below and in subsequent posts under this date are the result of my reflections...I don't think I'll be writing any more than what I've posted today. I think I've written enough. I kinda like this particular one just below; besides the first one I ever wrote and posted (it's down there somewhere)

There are just those moments in life when you feel so empty after you've lost something or perhaps just didn't gain something you wanted so much. It's normal to feel this way, I suppose. And it's in this time you seem to eat less, sleep less, and lose the zest for life and the many things you used to find so interesting. It's a terrible, draining phase, but I think everyone's been through it, more or less. When you snap out of the whirlpool of zig-zagged emotions and finally step out into the light, and embrace all the other things life has in store for you, maybe you'd stop feeling...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alone"

Words
Could be misconceptions, about the things I see in you
Faith
Is a lie of passion, when I feel the way I do

Tonight, with my heart still bleeding
I wake up just to see

The closing doors
I've been washed ashore
To a place where I feel
So empty, so...

[Chorus]
Alone
Tell me how I should feel
Now that I know this can't be real
There's nothing left inside of me
And I never knew how much I wanted, needed you until I'd lost you
So
Tell me how I should deal
With the fact that I love you still
How will I ever move on
When I know I'll feel...so alone

Cold
The feeling always lingering, the trembling, shaking, icy hands, I
Need
Your hands, smile, that interlocking five
Do you remember how that used to feel?

Breathe
I learnt to love it more when you're with me
Cuz' I lived again, you brought me back
To see, to touch, to taste, to hear,
To smell the heaven that was your hair
But it's gone now
And I can't help feeling so

Alone
Tell me how I should feel
Now that I know this can't be real
There's nothing left inside of me
And I never knew how much I wanted, needed you until I'd lost you
So
Tell me how I should deal
With the fact that I love you still
How will I ever move on
When I know I'll feel...so alone

I know that you're not ready
But baby please say that you love me
So at least I'll know that this feeling isn't gone
There's nothing more I'd ever want and
I wish you'd come back and take my hand
Then maybe I'll stop feeling so dead, so

Alone
Tell me how I should feel
Now that I know this can't be real
There's nothing left inside of me
And I never knew how much I wanted, needed you until I'd lost you
So
Tell me how I should deal
With the fact that I love you still
How will I ever move on
When I know I'll feel...so alone.

It's weird sometimes, when we all seem to know what went on and how things turned out the way they did, we all understood and perhaps later came to accept the reasons for what went wrong. But just after the bombs drop most of us step out of the darkness and dust, and never fail to ask,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why"

I can still remember fondly
Those eyes that looked right through me all the time
And deep inside I knew you're mine

I can still recall the feeling
Our hands under the moonlight, intertwined
I'd nibble gently at your ear and say

You're the only one for me, dear
You're so beautiful, and babe you're sweet, yeah
And now that it's all over
I can't stop myself from wondering

[Chorus]
Why
Under these stars tonight
Where everything feels alright
And my pain just dies away, because
I had you in my arms, oh baby
Why
Did it have to be this way
And no matter what I say
I know you'll never change your mind, oh
Baby, why?

I waited quietly with bated breath
With everyday a cruel test
Before I could be with you all alone

And everytime when that day came
I felt alive all over again
It was worth the wait to have you in my arms, yeah

Why
Under these stars tonight
Where everything feels alright
And my pain just dies away, because
I had you in my arms, oh baby
Why
Did it have to be this way
And no matter what I say
I know you'll never change your mind, oh
Baby, why?

Why am I so torn inside
Why do I cry every night
Why can't I just move along? Oh baby,
Why do I need you so much
So desperate for your loving touch
Why can't I just let go...

Why
Under these stars tonight
Where everything feels alright
And my pain just dies away, because
I had you in my arms, oh baby
Why
Did it have to be this way
And no matter what I say
I know you'll never change your mind, oh
Baby, why?

You know, sometimes its just those little things that make living all the more worthwhile. A couple of sweet words, a thoughtful gesture; there's so many possibilities. But I think one strikes us more than any other. It's when we see that special person...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Smile"

Hello you
Can ya hear me, can ya feel me
How do you do?
Are you feeling better than you've been before?
Finally
I can see a smile upon your face now

Yeah
That's exactly how you should be girl, because
I'd never want to see you frown at all
Though it's cute sometimes...*laughs*
Would you like to know why?
Because!

[Chorus]
You're the most perfect girl I've met here all my life, and
There's no one else who makes me feel so bright and so alive
I must say
If there was one thing that I needed all this while
Don't be shy!
I just need to see you...smile

Your eyes
They shine like diamonds when you're happy, jumping, full of
Life
And the things they say when we finally bid goodbye :
I miss you, I want you, I need you, I'll hold you tightly till the day I die
But there's one thing missing tonight, and that's

You're the most perfect girl I've met here all my life, and
There's no one else who makes me feel so bright and so alive
I must say
If there was one thing that I needed all this while
Don't be shy!
I just need to see you...

Smile big, smile wide for me tonight
Let me know everything's alright
You know I want you to be happy
No, it's okay! Don't say you're sorry!

Don't worry bout' me dear I'll be fine
I just need some time
But before I go I wanna see it one last time
I wanna see you...

You're the most perfect girl I've met here all my life, and
There's no one else who makes me feel so bright and so alive
I must say
If there was one thing that I needed all this while
Don't be shy!
I just need to see you...smile

Time is always short and sometimes we find out the hard way. If we get lucky some time in our lives we can find something that makes you feel as if time's stopped or stretched itself just so that you could enjoy those moments...and after it's over maybe we could all say it was...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Good While It Lasted"

As the clock keeps ticking and the minutes go by
This broken heart's beating, I don't want it inside
Cuz' the only things I feel as desperation and pain
It feels like a sin, living everyday, I'm thinkin'

Please stop, can't stop, can't make it happen
Cuz' this heart, this soul's all, broken, bleedin'
I wish I could be rid of the pain, but maybe
It's this pain that drives me, keeps me goin', cuz'

It can stop time, make it mine, make me think of
All the times we loved just being together
It hurts so much, but, it's fine, take a breather, then
Sit down and cry, cuz' I miss you more than ever

[Chorus]
I've come to realize, pain's fine, not to mention
It never fails to remind, how I used to
Hold you in my arms, love you, kiss you, oh the way you
Smiled, laughed and cried, and
Were mine...
It was good while it lasted

I guess it's only normal that I feel bad
So torn, so lost, empty like there's nothing left
I've fallen right back to the ground
From Heaven, it seems, that was where we started, yeah

Don't wanna stop dreamin', stop thinkin', I'm still breathing
While everyday goes by, oh, I'm still missing
Those times we had together, made me feel happy like no other
And now all there's left are the scars, the pain, oh...

I've come to realize, pain's fine, not to mention
It never fails to remind, how I used to
Hold you in my arms, love you, kiss you, oh the way you
Smiled, laughed and cried, and
Were mine...
It was good while it,

I've come to realize, pain's fine, not to mention
It never fails to remind, how I used to
Hold you in my arms, love you, kiss you, oh the way you
Smiled, laughed and cried, and
Were mine...
It was good while it lasted.

Here's another one

----------------------------------------------------------------

"These Eyes"

I can still remember
How you looked up at me
How your eyes glittered in the light
and told me many things, they said

Don't you worry dear
There's nothing to fear
As long as you're here with me baby
Love me truly, don't say maybe

I can still remember
How I felt with you in my arms
How that warm embrace made me feel so safe
and again your eyes, they spoke, and they said

I wish this moment could last forever
I know we're meant to be together
No right, no wrong, we just belong
With you I know I can be strong, and

[Chorus]
These eyes
When they meet mine they make me feel alive
They give me strength, they give me faith, they..
These eyes
I could spend my life just being here tonight
Cuz when I look into these eyes I know...you're mine

I can still remember
The times, the nights, the fun we shared
But it's over now, and we find ourselves
Snapped back to reality, oh

All I have left to remember
Are the nights we used to spend together
Cuz it looks as if there's nothing left
This burden put upon my chest, yeah

[Chorus]
These eyes
When they meet mine they make me feel alive
They give me strength, they give me faith, they..
These eyes
I could spend my life just being here tonight
Cuz when I look into these eyes I know...you're mine

The things we'll never do again
The words we'll never say
If there's something that I should regret
It's missing how I used to look in

[Chorus]
These eyes
(I can still remember)
When they meet mine they make me feel alive
They give me strength, they give me faith, they..
These eyes
(I've been torn and ripped asunder)
I could spend my life just being here tonight
Cuz when I look into these eyes I know...you're mine

I'll never look at these eyes the same way again.

The chords are pretty much tentative till I come up with something better. I can't display them here because of some problem with the alignment...The alignment of the words sung in the background in one of the verses is screwed up too

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Answers"

[Acoustic Guitar intro]

The things we never got to do,
The things I never said to you,
I guess they'll be lost, in days or years
They'll never dry, this river of tears

The words that never left my mouth
The ones held back because of doubt
Will I ever get to say?
Will I live through everyday?

[Chorus + drums + guitars]
The memories, the pain they bring
But I'll never wanna forget those things
Cuz' it was you who let me live this dream
Waking up was cruel, it seems
I know for me it's the perfect life
The way you held me every night
I felt as if I was in Heaven
On an angel's wings, you were an angel sent to love me

[Acoustic Guitar + drums]
And as I cry myself to sleep
To fall into the hands of dreams
I writhe in pain, my soul in flames
I die away more everyday

I awake so drained, blood in the rain
These feelings, they won't be the same
I lived a life, the perfect dream
But now I'm broken, it's not meant to be

[Chorus]
The memories, the pain they bring
But I'll never wanna forget those things
Cuz' it was you who let me live this dream
Waking up was cruel, it seems
I know for me it's the perfect life
The way you held me every night
I felt as if I was in Heaven
On an angel's wings, you were an angel sent to love me

[short distortion guitar chord section + drums]

And I can never forget those eyes of yours
And the way you made me feel
It's not your fault although its over
I know you're sorry still

Go live your life, go find your answers
You know I'll always be right here for you
I'd gladly suffer everyday
Is it okay if I hope you'd say someday

Stay with me
Cuz' I just can't bear, can't bear to see you bleed
I need you back, back here with me dear
Stay with me
And we'll live the life we've only seen in dreams
I've learnt to love again, and I've remembered how it feels, so

Stay with me
(I'll never wanna forget those things)
Cuz' I just can't bear, can't bear to see you bleed
(cuz it was you who let me live this dream)
I need you back, back here with me dear
Stay with me
(I know for me it's the perfect life)
And we'll live the life we've only seen in dreams
(The way you held me every night)
I've learnt to love again, and I've remembered how it feels

[Lead guitar solo] (and)

[Chorus]
[Acoustic Guitar + Voice only]
The memories, the pain they bring
But I'll never wanna forget those things
Cuz' it was you who let me live this dream
Waking up was cruel, it seems
I know for me it's the perfect life
The way you held me every night
I felt as if I was in Heaven
On an angel's wings, you were an angel sent to love me

An angel sent to love me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it looks a little like Secondhand Serenade's 'Like a Knife' and I do admit it's a little similar in parts but this is as original as I could have done it.

"When You're Gone"

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

Ever felt like you wanted to cry long and hard, but just can't? I've tried and failed.

It seems...I've gotten my answers. Answers to so many things. The answers I've been waiting for. Strange thing is, I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Much worse. So passed, has the burden of feeling as if you're hanging in the middle of nowhere, with no place in particular to land when you fall. But arrived...the feeling of loss, regret...just quite simply, broken.

It's been...kind and cruel, these past two months. Everything seemed to be happening so very quickly. So fast. Never in my life have I been able to experience the best and worst of my emotions in such a short period of time. And now it's just...gone. I think I've stepped into the void. I must have known that today when I laughed myself to tears when I realized that was it. Not tears of joy. No...not tears of joy. Weird, how you can start giggling uncontrollably and then suddenly the world turns upside down.

It's been a fantastic dream and a dreadful nightmare, what I've lived through.

Utterly fantastic. Things I can remember so fondly...so very fondly. There has been nothing in my entire life that could possibly have equaled the euphoria I experienced...so surreal, it's...jaw-dropping. When I thought about it weeks ago I thought I was dreaming until I snapped myself awake and realized, my god, this is real. Paradise. No exaggeration. If I was asked how I would define heaven, this would be it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So many things I can cherish in such a short time, its overwhelming. It's a godsend. It's...by far, perfect. The one thing I would give up so much else for.

The nightmare? No, not being skinned alive, nothing like that. Maybe it isn't really a nightmare. The pain...it cannot be described tangibly. It can't. Not for me, at least. I don't even know what it really is that's so damned painful, so painful my very soul aches horribly and my blood reeks of agony so much it might just turn black or something. It's cold...so cold. What is it really that I'm so upset about? Nobody can tell me...and I don't know for myself.

I guess...after so long, I'll have to bleed on my own. And when I bleed myself dry maybe I'll find a reason to step out into the light again, and renew the interest I used to have in so many things. But right now, it's just not possible to live as I did in the past. Not when I know I might cry myself to sleep every night and wake up oblivious to the light around me.

My god...why do I feel so torn? I feel like I'm stuck somewhere halfway between a nightmare and reality. I'm incapable of feeling anything specific, or thinking of anything coherent. I guess the only word I can use to sum up my emotions is....well....bad.

Was it really a good dream brutally cut short, or a bad one mercifully shortened? Maybe this is where I should start thinking.

It's strange how the repercussions of being in an emotional void for a period of time can strike you most noticeably after you've experienced some sort of relief. I'm getting pelted with dizzy spells as my brain constantly and cautiously sifts through images and memories searching for some answers and arbitrary reasons for the questions I have in mind. Working too hard? Thinking too much? Now I know how dangerous depression can be. It's not pretty, not productive and not exactly desirable from a third party's view to be gloomy, grumpy and otherwise out of the zone while everything around you is happening. You just tend to let things go by and pay no attention to them at all. And it's not like it's a choice, though it should be noted that you have a choice not to be this way.

I guess its the threat of uncertainty and that tinge of insecurity that's been bugging me all this while, especially since this morning when I woke up wishing I had not gone to sleep the previous night. How long more is this going to last? When am I going to be able to convince myself of one thing or the other and then continue to live my life based on that knowledge? It's something that's been eating me up inside since a while back, as well as today.

I managed to break out of my shell today for a brief time to mingle with some people, before uncontrollably sinking back into the soulless chasm that was my dreaded gloom. People came and went, and faces passed by as I stared blankly and unconsciously counted each passing second as the pain grew. It was the lack of sleep, as well as the continual growth of the hole in my soul and the size of the shadow which emanated from me. I swear, living each second is starting to become a chore. A damn chore. I should be cursing myself for not making the best out of the perfect opportunity to catch up and reminisce with the others today, instead of hiding in my invisible shifting veil, being inconspicuous as well as hoping to be that way.

When will this end? Not till I get some answers, that's for sure.

I allowed myself to fall asleep at midnight last night and woke up this morning, trembling, in a state of shock and some confusion. I seem to have stopped waking up late, and I don't know why. Everytime I get that rare opportunity to wake up past 10am, I find myself awake at such times as 8am.

Nightmares have started to become commonplace as I allow the darkness to whisk me away every night to a place where I have no control over my thoughts. I see what I want to see, and at the same time, don't ever have to want to see, and then there's this overwhelming burst of emotion that engulfs me so much so that I know I'm dreaming but I can't force myself to wake up. And then I emerge from the darkness and open my eyes to that familiar ceiling...I feel so drained, I can't move, nothing I can do to get rid of that constant icy chill down my spine as I recall what I saw. The strange thing was, I woke up before that dream could show me any conclusion to what went on inside, leaving me as lost as I am in reality. Couldn't I at least be given some sort of sign as to how I should go about dealing with it? Or am I just supposed to suffer the agony of being forced to live along a thin razor's edge, one side being utter capitulation and the other, a prolonged state of extreme depression, a potpourri of feelings, until I claw my way out and find a new reason to live?

I dread the night. And henceforth as I climb into bed every night I'll have to prepare myself duly for the horrors I might encounter ahead...

I'm leaving for camp in about an hour and a half, and I still feel drained even though I haven't been up to much this week, contrary to what I was expecting last week. I should've had to been in camp by 6am this morning but a fortunate turn of events allowed me the privilege of sleeping in and reporting late in lieu of tonight's performance at SAFTI.

Sometimes I think I talk too much about myself without people asking. Most of the time it isn't what people want to hear, or are willing to pay any attention to. Perhaps adopting a slightly subtler approach to conversation would be wise for me. Maybe I should take some time to delve into this modest experiment and see what it can do for me. Endless, self-esteem boosting verbosity...an infinite source of annoyance and the very reason why sometimes peoples' words tend to get under your skin, implanting in you the strange urge to walk away.

On a different note, at times I see every passing day as a step closer into the darkness. I feel as if I'm about to step into a shadowy spot devoid of any conceivable emotion to suffer for myself a state of mental shock. Why does everyday seem to be getting bleaker? I've been feeling a lot more frustration, I've been smiling less, I'm beginning to lose interest in things I used to find so amusing and intriguing. Symptoms of depression...but then again, am I really depressed, or am I just slightly off course in life?

Every morning I wake up, stare at the ceiling and feel this constant pressure in my chest, like something's stuck, or something's trying to get out but to no avail. I loathe the long bus rides; everytime I look out the window and see the landscapes pass by I sink uncontrollably and inevitably into this reflective void where I cannot feel anything at all. It's likely that I'm feeling so many things at the same time they kind of cancel out and I end up not feeling anything at all.

When I'm at work I find myself staring into space, constantly losing count, never on the ball. When I get home to a delectable looking dinner I can't enjoy it for lack of appetite, and when I climb into bed and roll up into my blanket, I find myself in that all too familiar position again. Staring at the ceiling, incapable of any coherent thought, till darkness arrives and carries me to sleep, to peruse the day's thoughts in the vulnerability of my dreams, spawning good ones, or nightmares that make me feel hungover in the morning, the ones I've come to learn to dread; the ones I haven't had for too long. Just before I fall victim to sleep, I remember cautiously and reluctantly that the next day is probably going to be the same. I've been trapped in this for what seems like forever although in reality it's really a very short time.

It's only a matter of time before I have the chance to step into the light again and continue living my life as it had been before. The question is, when will that time arrive?

Sometimes I feel I have to take one step back and laugh at myself for what is going on. Karma has this way of catching up with you and doing unto you what you thought could never occur; it defines irony in the worst way possible such that there isn't really much you can say about what has become reality from the likes of a twisted dream. And then you find yourself...speechless. It's like a bear attack; its shocking, and then it hurts, and when all is said and done, the scars remain to remind you of your sins. Then you realize, there's nothing left to say, and you can either wallow in your shame, or pick up what's left of you and keep walking. What was lost, well, let's just say was the cost of making that mistake.

So at least, now I know how it feels.

I finally understand.

Damn tired today...it's coming to the end of the week already, and tomorrow I'll be back home past midnight, with ROD not too far away after that.

Hmmm, today feels like a Secondhand Serenade day.

Carmen's leaving for Taiwan tomorrow! That moron, she's so excited about all the apparently gi-normous number of streetside food stalls. I swear if she doesn't control herself, she'll be flying back in the plane's cargo hold with the rest of the oversized luggage. Hope she has lots of fun!

I was just wondering, how many of you look at two or more things and judge them? By face value, or after going through a diverse variety of factors and features that would determine your disposition towards them and ultimately decide which one you liked or wanted? I think too many people take things at face value nowadays. Everything is about "I did this, I did that, I'm special because of this, or that, I'm studying here, I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer, I'm in OCS, I'm a Commando."

yeah. What you are on the outside.

There is the all too familiar age-old adage : "Don't judge a book by its cover." How long do you have to take to know what you need to know about something before you judge it? Would the time factor affect your decision? Is, on impulse, accepting something because it looks fantastic at face value what you would have done?

And by the way, this is not some convenient excuse I came up with as damage control for what some people might see as a drab, easy-way-out and meaningless approach to life, non-worthy of any form of recognition, a life I apparently chose to lead after passing out from BMT. Damn you elitist non-believers if you do exist, but I made my choice. I live for myself and myself only. Nobody should live according to the whims of others.

I've read that first impressions of people are extremely important. This could decide whether that person could become one of your closest friends, or a mortal enemy in the making. Think of it this way : how many prospective friendships and relationships were forgone or lost just because one party believed too much in first impressions? What would have happened instead if they had learnt that not everyone is perfect, prepared, or are just plain awkward while making their first impression?

They might not have flashed their best smile, used the best lines, or just looked retarded to you. There are over 7000 facial expressions that the human face is capable of showing. Maybe it was the wrong ones which unknowingly surfaced. What would have happened if they had taken time to explore and understand each other; their charcacter, their idiosyncrasies, their unique features. Their goals, their aspirations, their inspirations, their lives as a whole. You think that's only possible after friends have been made? I don't think so. But that's just me.

But all in all, they were rejected, and what could've been the start of a wonderful friendship or romance was tossed into the bin and disregarded as a fluke and failure. How does it feel to have been swept under the rug when you tried to make a friend and failed? Yeah, sure, more will come. As I've heard, let one thing go, and better things will come. But it was a wasted opportunity. It could've been a good one. The best one. Nah, you were put aside, because materialism, ego, and perfectionism, to name a few, got the best of the other half.

Don't disregard what you don't understand.

How would you choose?

I had a rather refreshing, or should I say nostalgic experience today. The band from Canberra Secondary School (I'm guessing its a military band because I spotted a mace) came over to our camp to have a little exchange program, of sorts, with Central Band. They would perform their SYF pieces, we'd share two of our own pieces and then we'd go through their SYF pieces together as a band. It kind of reminded me of how I used to be back in band...young, short, wide-eyed, a brown percussionist. Which leads me to the stereotype easily formed within bands.

The malays commonly find themselves in the percussion section, with a majority of malay boys. They're usually on the drums. Mallet instruments are taken by the girls, though today there was a guy playing the bells and xylophone part.

Woodwinds? Chinese girls. lots of em. Flutes, especially. There was this pretty boy in clarinet who reminded me of Eugene Lim from spf band. The one who got 'beng-ed' (word used in the same sense as zhng-ed). There was this malay guy who was playing the bass clarinet; spoil market.

Tuba. The big ones find themselves in here. What I saw today proves my point. One huge malay guy, a smaller yet much taller indian guy, and another spoiler, a skinny chinese dude.

Trumpets? Well the girls looked loud in character. Probably are. Typical.

Trombones and Euphonium...the rest I suppose? We have the other little fellas with the idiosyncrasies in here, I guess.

French Horn...what can I say? There was only one guy. Couldn't tell much.

Anyway, what I can say about the band is that...damn, it needs a lot of help. During the entire time they were delivering their pieces, I was thinking, either one or all of them are playing a wrong note, or the band is horribly out of tune. I think it was the latter, although Julian managed to find a misprint in the tuba score for a single note which the band's director didn't notice from the start! Imagine the travesty. An outsider pointing out what you should've noticed on your first combine practice. I can't say much about technicality; they're young! They need time, guidance, and most importantly, self motivation to improve, to get better. If they have those, then no doubt they will improve. Directors can only do so much; its ultimately up to the players whether they want to deliver a proper performance or not.

Lin Chow was being his normal godlike intimidating self, standing amongst the percussionists as they were playing, giving pointers. He looked like a giant looking down at the little hobbits. I guess he didn't notice us chuckling away at that spectacle.

They seemed nervous at best. I don't blame them. I was kinda nervous too when it was our turn to play. We shared March "Blue Sky" and Japanese Graffiti X. I was on timpani; damn, I suck on timpani. haha. Well you could imagine the looks on their faces when we were performing. I would have done the same if I was in their shoes. It's just not possible to compare a secondary school band with a band made up of mostly professional musicians.

Took half day today. Don't ask me why...I just felt like it. Nothing to do in the afternoon anyway, so why not?

Anyway, I met Sheryl for dinner at pastamania last night. Had a really good time!! My food kinda went cold though. Was neglecting it amongst all the talking and laughing...by the time I noticed it was so cold and hard I didn't want it anymore. haha. Time really flew. I met her at around 6:45pm but by the time we left it was close to 10pm. I learned a lot talking to her and it really felt good to have someone to confide in and listen wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I'm not one who trusts easily (for those who think I do, think again.), but I know I can trust her completely. Maybe I'll go for ROD this saturday with her, if she'd allow me the honour. haha. THANKS FOR THE 'PORK' bing LOL!! =)

And I'm off....