I kinda understand something I was told a few weeks ago.
Going to M'sia was something I had not looked forward to even before I was knocked out, and I came to dread it in the week leading up to the day I left. I didn't want to spend my weekend away from home, stuck in that hellhole of a country and trying to enjoy some things a melancholic just cannot do by himself. I was apprehensive and straight faced on the day of the departure...the emotion and expression I know all too well. I was married to this couple for quite some time.
True enough, I didn't enjoy myself. And not because I didn't want to. I really liked being around my cousins. They were funny, happy, always so energetic. They were my motivation for going out with my family every week since forever. It wasn't the places we would go, or the things we would do. It was all them. Anyway, I guess that place is just not for me if family is in the question.
People would have wondered, what's this topless guy doing just standing in the water and staring at who knows what? No, not a pretty girl, although there were a few who looked local, which was surprising at first. Pretty or not, I wasn't interested. Funny, how I've lost interest in this. I remember how chang yuan and I used to gawk at every sweet young thing who'd passed by in the past. Yeah. Gawk. And when he spotted one I didn't approve of I'd suggest he see an eye doctor. haha...you can't blame the guy, his degree in both eyes are above 1000.
It was strange. When I stopped walking while shopping or as I said, stood staring in the pool, I always managed to find myself trapped in this moment of hallucination. Strange, disturbing, yet subtly warming. Then I'd snap awake and survey the water fuelled chaos around me. Whole indian extended families grooving to techno, teenage boys screaming, couples flirting, kids having fun. I was pretty much in my own world for a while. Just a quiet spot...for myself and my thoughts.
Sleep was good. Dreamless, or just plain random dreams that didn't bother me when I woke up. On the last day I'd slept till past 11am, from midnight the previous night. I was always preoccupied with my reading at night while everyone got an early rest. Bought a new one, The Templar Legacy, also by Steve Berry. The Venetian Betrayal was good. No, to me, it was great. I actually felt regretful as I laid down the book after going through the final page. Conspiracies, fictional or not, are so my kind of thing.
Stranger was the fact that my appetite had gone on some kind of rampage while I was there. I needed something like 5 meals a day just to keep myself satisfied, not full. Must be everything coming back with a vengeance after that week of eating close to nothing every day. A good change...good change.
I was my grandma's walking stick the whole way during the trip. She'd been having a bad cough since the day before we left for KL, and still has it now. Had some trouble in her hip too, which hindered her walking. I guess it's only right I helped her along.
The ride back to the airport by van was accompanied by loud music from my psp. Another welcome change, since I'd avoided music for quite some time now. Tapping to the tunes of what were, and still are, my favourite tracks, I gazed out into the darkness of the KL night, my mind blank...any thought replaced by the gentle tingles of excitement I got from grooving drum beats and guitar-string ensembles. I found myself a nice song last week. It's called "Waiting Game" by Yellowcard. Lyrics are okay, but it's really the chords in the song that caught my attention. I have a thing for songs that 'sound nice' in addition to others with meaningful lyrics. Like they say, there's a song for every mood.
And in a naked slumber...I dream all this again.
Now, the crux of my opening statement...I felt melancholy as I arrived at the airport and consequently touched down at the budget terminal. I should have been happy, but I couldn't find the smile. Strange, how I felt so light hearted as I wasted my days away in KL, but once I was back on Singaporean soil, I felt heavier. Again. It just came to me, I suppose. I wasn't actually thinking of anything or anyone. Nothing, I imagine, was responsible for making me feel this way at the time. But I just felt it. It served as a reminder, one I'd prefer not to have.
Now I know what it means. Being away isn't escapism. It's relief.
It's Christmas Eve and my vision of partying the night away with my closest friends has quite effectively dissolved. This is going to be one disappointment of a Christmas.
Going to M'sia was something I had not looked forward to even before I was knocked out, and I came to dread it in the week leading up to the day I left. I didn't want to spend my weekend away from home, stuck in that hellhole of a country and trying to enjoy some things a melancholic just cannot do by himself. I was apprehensive and straight faced on the day of the departure...the emotion and expression I know all too well. I was married to this couple for quite some time.
True enough, I didn't enjoy myself. And not because I didn't want to. I really liked being around my cousins. They were funny, happy, always so energetic. They were my motivation for going out with my family every week since forever. It wasn't the places we would go, or the things we would do. It was all them. Anyway, I guess that place is just not for me if family is in the question.
People would have wondered, what's this topless guy doing just standing in the water and staring at who knows what? No, not a pretty girl, although there were a few who looked local, which was surprising at first. Pretty or not, I wasn't interested. Funny, how I've lost interest in this. I remember how chang yuan and I used to gawk at every sweet young thing who'd passed by in the past. Yeah. Gawk. And when he spotted one I didn't approve of I'd suggest he see an eye doctor. haha...you can't blame the guy, his degree in both eyes are above 1000.
It was strange. When I stopped walking while shopping or as I said, stood staring in the pool, I always managed to find myself trapped in this moment of hallucination. Strange, disturbing, yet subtly warming. Then I'd snap awake and survey the water fuelled chaos around me. Whole indian extended families grooving to techno, teenage boys screaming, couples flirting, kids having fun. I was pretty much in my own world for a while. Just a quiet spot...for myself and my thoughts.
Sleep was good. Dreamless, or just plain random dreams that didn't bother me when I woke up. On the last day I'd slept till past 11am, from midnight the previous night. I was always preoccupied with my reading at night while everyone got an early rest. Bought a new one, The Templar Legacy, also by Steve Berry. The Venetian Betrayal was good. No, to me, it was great. I actually felt regretful as I laid down the book after going through the final page. Conspiracies, fictional or not, are so my kind of thing.
Stranger was the fact that my appetite had gone on some kind of rampage while I was there. I needed something like 5 meals a day just to keep myself satisfied, not full. Must be everything coming back with a vengeance after that week of eating close to nothing every day. A good change...good change.
I was my grandma's walking stick the whole way during the trip. She'd been having a bad cough since the day before we left for KL, and still has it now. Had some trouble in her hip too, which hindered her walking. I guess it's only right I helped her along.
The ride back to the airport by van was accompanied by loud music from my psp. Another welcome change, since I'd avoided music for quite some time now. Tapping to the tunes of what were, and still are, my favourite tracks, I gazed out into the darkness of the KL night, my mind blank...any thought replaced by the gentle tingles of excitement I got from grooving drum beats and guitar-string ensembles. I found myself a nice song last week. It's called "Waiting Game" by Yellowcard. Lyrics are okay, but it's really the chords in the song that caught my attention. I have a thing for songs that 'sound nice' in addition to others with meaningful lyrics. Like they say, there's a song for every mood.
And in a naked slumber...I dream all this again.
Now, the crux of my opening statement...I felt melancholy as I arrived at the airport and consequently touched down at the budget terminal. I should have been happy, but I couldn't find the smile. Strange, how I felt so light hearted as I wasted my days away in KL, but once I was back on Singaporean soil, I felt heavier. Again. It just came to me, I suppose. I wasn't actually thinking of anything or anyone. Nothing, I imagine, was responsible for making me feel this way at the time. But I just felt it. It served as a reminder, one I'd prefer not to have.
Now I know what it means. Being away isn't escapism. It's relief.
It's Christmas Eve and my vision of partying the night away with my closest friends has quite effectively dissolved. This is going to be one disappointment of a Christmas.
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