I met mum for a late lunch after her driving class yesterday, went to have fried fish noodles at TM foodcourt...the one I haven't had for the longest time. I didn't notice the foodcourt had been renovated till I visited it yesterday. It felt good, being able to eat properly for once. I haven't been eating much, and I feel I've started losing weight as a result. It's very frustrating when you know you can't afford to lose weight, but even when you feel so hungry inside, you just can't stomach what's on your plate...appetite can be a bitch.
So is losing sleep. I slept at around 11pm last night and woke up so many times in the middle of the night, found myself staring into space for a while each time before falling back to sleep. It's hard to sleep well when you've got a lot of things on your mind and your insides hurt all the time. Woke up at 9 which is considered quite late....wanted to get up at 7:30 but I fell back asleep after my mum told me to rest more. Hungry, can't eat...tired, can't sleep...sigh, it's a difficult phase.
Well anyway, after lunch we went to coffee bean to sit down, chat and enjoy a couple of drinks. She had a miacchiato with a single shot of espresso which came in a tiny cup which she found super cute. I would've been pissed. haha. But she enjoyed it...I had this thing called "White Chocolate Dream", which just tasted like sweet coffee, if you ask me. Didn't finish it because I felt a little bloated. I hate that feeling. We stayed there till around 8:45pm...there was just so much to talk about, and she helped me look at things from so many other angles which I didn't see before. If you're talking about making me feel better, well, i didn't at all, really. It just hurt more, but if it's a conscience that's being considered, I guess it does clear it up a little.
Till now, I still can't make sense of what's been going on and what is it really the reason for what came to be, because it was just so hard to believe one thing or the other because of the ambiguity of everything. One must come to love and hate the ambiguity of all things, I told her...She said that there were always two reasons for everything, and both could seem to make a lot of sense but in reality you could only afford to believe and trust one of them, and sitting on the fence is not an option, because, as I'd liked to say, sitting on the fence hurts because it pokes your ass. Choosing a side...can be extremely difficult, especially when you still don't have a solid idea about the basis of all things. It's been a while but I still can't bring myself to pick a side and stay there. I'm still on the fence, and yes, it really hurts. It hurts inside. Some things...just don't make sense to you.
I told her that when you've fallen deeply in love you would regard that person as your pillar of strength, your motivation, your inspiration to do anything and everything, and the source of your boundless energy for life and all its pleasures because life just seemed to be more worth living with that person in your heart and touching your very soul. And what motivation to do things and achieve for yourself inevitably becomes that which you would succeed for that person's sake as well as your own, because you think, if I'd made myself happy for succeeding, that person would be happy too. Then when that person...is gone, when that person was gone...I lost all my strength. I've been spending the past few days, not being able to eat, sleep, or laugh like I used to. I couldn't focus, I couldn't do things properly or as well as I could before. I depended so much on that person for my strength and...well...it backfired.
I know I've always told myself to live for myself and nobody else, not to live up to someone else's expectations and do enough to make yourself feel you've achieved something, not do enough to please others. Well in most cases, that would be true. Life would be a lie if we lived to please others. I've realized that for the past two months I hadn't been living for myself but for someone else instead. It's strange how you don't realize you're not doing things for yourself anymore, and then it dawns on you when everything falls apart and you lose your power to live life.
Yeah, I should know that I'm not the only one with lousy appetite and sleeping issues.
So is losing sleep. I slept at around 11pm last night and woke up so many times in the middle of the night, found myself staring into space for a while each time before falling back to sleep. It's hard to sleep well when you've got a lot of things on your mind and your insides hurt all the time. Woke up at 9 which is considered quite late....wanted to get up at 7:30 but I fell back asleep after my mum told me to rest more. Hungry, can't eat...tired, can't sleep...sigh, it's a difficult phase.
Well anyway, after lunch we went to coffee bean to sit down, chat and enjoy a couple of drinks. She had a miacchiato with a single shot of espresso which came in a tiny cup which she found super cute. I would've been pissed. haha. But she enjoyed it...I had this thing called "White Chocolate Dream", which just tasted like sweet coffee, if you ask me. Didn't finish it because I felt a little bloated. I hate that feeling. We stayed there till around 8:45pm...there was just so much to talk about, and she helped me look at things from so many other angles which I didn't see before. If you're talking about making me feel better, well, i didn't at all, really. It just hurt more, but if it's a conscience that's being considered, I guess it does clear it up a little.
Till now, I still can't make sense of what's been going on and what is it really the reason for what came to be, because it was just so hard to believe one thing or the other because of the ambiguity of everything. One must come to love and hate the ambiguity of all things, I told her...She said that there were always two reasons for everything, and both could seem to make a lot of sense but in reality you could only afford to believe and trust one of them, and sitting on the fence is not an option, because, as I'd liked to say, sitting on the fence hurts because it pokes your ass. Choosing a side...can be extremely difficult, especially when you still don't have a solid idea about the basis of all things. It's been a while but I still can't bring myself to pick a side and stay there. I'm still on the fence, and yes, it really hurts. It hurts inside. Some things...just don't make sense to you.
I told her that when you've fallen deeply in love you would regard that person as your pillar of strength, your motivation, your inspiration to do anything and everything, and the source of your boundless energy for life and all its pleasures because life just seemed to be more worth living with that person in your heart and touching your very soul. And what motivation to do things and achieve for yourself inevitably becomes that which you would succeed for that person's sake as well as your own, because you think, if I'd made myself happy for succeeding, that person would be happy too. Then when that person...is gone, when that person was gone...I lost all my strength. I've been spending the past few days, not being able to eat, sleep, or laugh like I used to. I couldn't focus, I couldn't do things properly or as well as I could before. I depended so much on that person for my strength and...well...it backfired.
I know I've always told myself to live for myself and nobody else, not to live up to someone else's expectations and do enough to make yourself feel you've achieved something, not do enough to please others. Well in most cases, that would be true. Life would be a lie if we lived to please others. I've realized that for the past two months I hadn't been living for myself but for someone else instead. It's strange how you don't realize you're not doing things for yourself anymore, and then it dawns on you when everything falls apart and you lose your power to live life.
Yeah, I should know that I'm not the only one with lousy appetite and sleeping issues.
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