I allowed myself to fall asleep at midnight last night and woke up this morning, trembling, in a state of shock and some confusion. I seem to have stopped waking up late, and I don't know why. Everytime I get that rare opportunity to wake up past 10am, I find myself awake at such times as 8am.

Nightmares have started to become commonplace as I allow the darkness to whisk me away every night to a place where I have no control over my thoughts. I see what I want to see, and at the same time, don't ever have to want to see, and then there's this overwhelming burst of emotion that engulfs me so much so that I know I'm dreaming but I can't force myself to wake up. And then I emerge from the darkness and open my eyes to that familiar ceiling...I feel so drained, I can't move, nothing I can do to get rid of that constant icy chill down my spine as I recall what I saw. The strange thing was, I woke up before that dream could show me any conclusion to what went on inside, leaving me as lost as I am in reality. Couldn't I at least be given some sort of sign as to how I should go about dealing with it? Or am I just supposed to suffer the agony of being forced to live along a thin razor's edge, one side being utter capitulation and the other, a prolonged state of extreme depression, a potpourri of feelings, until I claw my way out and find a new reason to live?

I dread the night. And henceforth as I climb into bed every night I'll have to prepare myself duly for the horrors I might encounter ahead...