I'm leaving for camp in about an hour and a half, and I still feel drained even though I haven't been up to much this week, contrary to what I was expecting last week. I should've had to been in camp by 6am this morning but a fortunate turn of events allowed me the privilege of sleeping in and reporting late in lieu of tonight's performance at SAFTI.
Sometimes I think I talk too much about myself without people asking. Most of the time it isn't what people want to hear, or are willing to pay any attention to. Perhaps adopting a slightly subtler approach to conversation would be wise for me. Maybe I should take some time to delve into this modest experiment and see what it can do for me. Endless, self-esteem boosting verbosity...an infinite source of annoyance and the very reason why sometimes peoples' words tend to get under your skin, implanting in you the strange urge to walk away.
On a different note, at times I see every passing day as a step closer into the darkness. I feel as if I'm about to step into a shadowy spot devoid of any conceivable emotion to suffer for myself a state of mental shock. Why does everyday seem to be getting bleaker? I've been feeling a lot more frustration, I've been smiling less, I'm beginning to lose interest in things I used to find so amusing and intriguing. Symptoms of depression...but then again, am I really depressed, or am I just slightly off course in life?
Every morning I wake up, stare at the ceiling and feel this constant pressure in my chest, like something's stuck, or something's trying to get out but to no avail. I loathe the long bus rides; everytime I look out the window and see the landscapes pass by I sink uncontrollably and inevitably into this reflective void where I cannot feel anything at all. It's likely that I'm feeling so many things at the same time they kind of cancel out and I end up not feeling anything at all.
When I'm at work I find myself staring into space, constantly losing count, never on the ball. When I get home to a delectable looking dinner I can't enjoy it for lack of appetite, and when I climb into bed and roll up into my blanket, I find myself in that all too familiar position again. Staring at the ceiling, incapable of any coherent thought, till darkness arrives and carries me to sleep, to peruse the day's thoughts in the vulnerability of my dreams, spawning good ones, or nightmares that make me feel hungover in the morning, the ones I've come to learn to dread; the ones I haven't had for too long. Just before I fall victim to sleep, I remember cautiously and reluctantly that the next day is probably going to be the same. I've been trapped in this for what seems like forever although in reality it's really a very short time.
It's only a matter of time before I have the chance to step into the light again and continue living my life as it had been before. The question is, when will that time arrive?
Sometimes I feel I have to take one step back and laugh at myself for what is going on. Karma has this way of catching up with you and doing unto you what you thought could never occur; it defines irony in the worst way possible such that there isn't really much you can say about what has become reality from the likes of a twisted dream. And then you find yourself...speechless. It's like a bear attack; its shocking, and then it hurts, and when all is said and done, the scars remain to remind you of your sins. Then you realize, there's nothing left to say, and you can either wallow in your shame, or pick up what's left of you and keep walking. What was lost, well, let's just say was the cost of making that mistake.
So at least, now I know how it feels.
I finally understand.
Sometimes I think I talk too much about myself without people asking. Most of the time it isn't what people want to hear, or are willing to pay any attention to. Perhaps adopting a slightly subtler approach to conversation would be wise for me. Maybe I should take some time to delve into this modest experiment and see what it can do for me. Endless, self-esteem boosting verbosity...an infinite source of annoyance and the very reason why sometimes peoples' words tend to get under your skin, implanting in you the strange urge to walk away.
On a different note, at times I see every passing day as a step closer into the darkness. I feel as if I'm about to step into a shadowy spot devoid of any conceivable emotion to suffer for myself a state of mental shock. Why does everyday seem to be getting bleaker? I've been feeling a lot more frustration, I've been smiling less, I'm beginning to lose interest in things I used to find so amusing and intriguing. Symptoms of depression...but then again, am I really depressed, or am I just slightly off course in life?
Every morning I wake up, stare at the ceiling and feel this constant pressure in my chest, like something's stuck, or something's trying to get out but to no avail. I loathe the long bus rides; everytime I look out the window and see the landscapes pass by I sink uncontrollably and inevitably into this reflective void where I cannot feel anything at all. It's likely that I'm feeling so many things at the same time they kind of cancel out and I end up not feeling anything at all.
When I'm at work I find myself staring into space, constantly losing count, never on the ball. When I get home to a delectable looking dinner I can't enjoy it for lack of appetite, and when I climb into bed and roll up into my blanket, I find myself in that all too familiar position again. Staring at the ceiling, incapable of any coherent thought, till darkness arrives and carries me to sleep, to peruse the day's thoughts in the vulnerability of my dreams, spawning good ones, or nightmares that make me feel hungover in the morning, the ones I've come to learn to dread; the ones I haven't had for too long. Just before I fall victim to sleep, I remember cautiously and reluctantly that the next day is probably going to be the same. I've been trapped in this for what seems like forever although in reality it's really a very short time.
It's only a matter of time before I have the chance to step into the light again and continue living my life as it had been before. The question is, when will that time arrive?
Sometimes I feel I have to take one step back and laugh at myself for what is going on. Karma has this way of catching up with you and doing unto you what you thought could never occur; it defines irony in the worst way possible such that there isn't really much you can say about what has become reality from the likes of a twisted dream. And then you find yourself...speechless. It's like a bear attack; its shocking, and then it hurts, and when all is said and done, the scars remain to remind you of your sins. Then you realize, there's nothing left to say, and you can either wallow in your shame, or pick up what's left of you and keep walking. What was lost, well, let's just say was the cost of making that mistake.
So at least, now I know how it feels.
I finally understand.
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