hm.

Friday, November 28, 2008

It scares me each time I find myself staring into blank space, or at a computer screen, and realize that somehow, I'm without direction, without motivation, and just plain simply without something specific to do.

How ironic life can be, when one yearns for rest and deliverance from everydays' routine tasks; mundane and tedious no matter how trivial they can be, boring, devoid of excitement, undesirable by personal perception. And then when you're finally able to enjoy that well deserved break from all your burdens and responsibilities, you find yourself lost in a light-less void. I don't mean to sound melodramatic. Just feel that way.

The day to day activities a person partakes in can bring joy and laughter, reproach and regret, anger and that oh-too-familiar frustration. What a wondrous mix of emotions...the thing is, people can wake up everyday and envision the entire day ahead and begin to expect what to see, hear, touch, taste and feel; when they might very well experience something woefully different. You might end up head on pillow, recalling today's events and think...tsk, what a waste. Another day ended up in smoke and more often than not you find yourself choking in the midst of a discouraging mass of days not well spent.

Why anticipate the near future with that shy little smile or that indifferent frown when it might just turn out to be the opposite of what you expect? I guess this is what makes people think that it's better to live each day as it comes and goes, to be content with the gift of living through it and waiting with bated breath for the next.

It's been about a year since I've graduated from TPJC and yet a surprising yet discouraging revelation constantly knocks at my door. I don't know if it comes and goes, or I just don't get up to let it in. I still can't confidently tell myself that what I've chosen to do is what I really want to do, and that the choices I've made are right and best in their entirety, not just for a few reasons here and there.

It's too easy to lose sight of the big picture when people like me tend to allow a multitude of renegade factors sprout uncontrolled from the main focus. It's these little buggers that make you stray, that constantly confuse, contradict and instigate action, that encourage recourse, rethinking, and some just bluntly tell you that you're wrong. How difficult is it, really, to find the right answer in the middle of this raging mess of directionless wisdom? It's hard to see through the fog if it's only getting thicker by the moment.

Maybe the reason why I'm not feeling the urge to ORD is because I don't think I'll be able to handle life outside of this safe haven, this sanctuary, if you could call it. It provides food, shelter, allowance, education. It provides, or rather forces unto you, direction. No, I'm not going to sign on. There's always greener grass somewhere else, if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone to seek it. But then again, it's how you look at it. Hey, if I could take the life, why not be a Commando officer? Pays well, good recognition. However some things are just not for you I suppose. I don't want to be discharged from NS a lost sheep with no aim, no goal although I most likely have somewhere to go to have a fresh start in civilian life. Then again, what is it I really want? Looks like someone needs to go for a goal-setting class.

Sheryl's coming back tonight...I do miss her. It's just one less person to talk to and confide in this week, and it just doesn't feel right. Sorry, I just happen to have this attachment to close friends. I hope she's had fun over in Genting. I'd like to hear if she's had one or two scuffles with the locals, or should I say natives. I'm not sure if I'm going to this holidays...A couple more things I'd like to say but should probably shut up about. I'll just shut up.

A short tribute to the men of Easy Company, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment of World War II in the European Theater:

From this day, to the ending of the world, we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we Band of Brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home