It's strange how the repercussions of being in an emotional void for a period of time can strike you most noticeably after you've experienced some sort of relief. I'm getting pelted with dizzy spells as my brain constantly and cautiously sifts through images and memories searching for some answers and arbitrary reasons for the questions I have in mind. Working too hard? Thinking too much? Now I know how dangerous depression can be. It's not pretty, not productive and not exactly desirable from a third party's view to be gloomy, grumpy and otherwise out of the zone while everything around you is happening. You just tend to let things go by and pay no attention to them at all. And it's not like it's a choice, though it should be noted that you have a choice not to be this way.

I guess its the threat of uncertainty and that tinge of insecurity that's been bugging me all this while, especially since this morning when I woke up wishing I had not gone to sleep the previous night. How long more is this going to last? When am I going to be able to convince myself of one thing or the other and then continue to live my life based on that knowledge? It's something that's been eating me up inside since a while back, as well as today.

I managed to break out of my shell today for a brief time to mingle with some people, before uncontrollably sinking back into the soulless chasm that was my dreaded gloom. People came and went, and faces passed by as I stared blankly and unconsciously counted each passing second as the pain grew. It was the lack of sleep, as well as the continual growth of the hole in my soul and the size of the shadow which emanated from me. I swear, living each second is starting to become a chore. A damn chore. I should be cursing myself for not making the best out of the perfect opportunity to catch up and reminisce with the others today, instead of hiding in my invisible shifting veil, being inconspicuous as well as hoping to be that way.

When will this end? Not till I get some answers, that's for sure.