Ever felt like you wanted to cry long and hard, but just can't? I've tried and failed.
It seems...I've gotten my answers. Answers to so many things. The answers I've been waiting for. Strange thing is, I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Much worse. So passed, has the burden of feeling as if you're hanging in the middle of nowhere, with no place in particular to land when you fall. But arrived...the feeling of loss, regret...just quite simply, broken.
It's been...kind and cruel, these past two months. Everything seemed to be happening so very quickly. So fast. Never in my life have I been able to experience the best and worst of my emotions in such a short period of time. And now it's just...gone. I think I've stepped into the void. I must have known that today when I laughed myself to tears when I realized that was it. Not tears of joy. No...not tears of joy. Weird, how you can start giggling uncontrollably and then suddenly the world turns upside down.
It's been a fantastic dream and a dreadful nightmare, what I've lived through.
Utterly fantastic. Things I can remember so fondly...so very fondly. There has been nothing in my entire life that could possibly have equaled the euphoria I experienced...so surreal, it's...jaw-dropping. When I thought about it weeks ago I thought I was dreaming until I snapped myself awake and realized, my god, this is real. Paradise. No exaggeration. If I was asked how I would define heaven, this would be it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So many things I can cherish in such a short time, its overwhelming. It's a godsend. It's...by far, perfect. The one thing I would give up so much else for.
The nightmare? No, not being skinned alive, nothing like that. Maybe it isn't really a nightmare. The pain...it cannot be described tangibly. It can't. Not for me, at least. I don't even know what it really is that's so damned painful, so painful my very soul aches horribly and my blood reeks of agony so much it might just turn black or something. It's cold...so cold. What is it really that I'm so upset about? Nobody can tell me...and I don't know for myself.
I guess...after so long, I'll have to bleed on my own. And when I bleed myself dry maybe I'll find a reason to step out into the light again, and renew the interest I used to have in so many things. But right now, it's just not possible to live as I did in the past. Not when I know I might cry myself to sleep every night and wake up oblivious to the light around me.
My god...why do I feel so torn? I feel like I'm stuck somewhere halfway between a nightmare and reality. I'm incapable of feeling anything specific, or thinking of anything coherent. I guess the only word I can use to sum up my emotions is....well....bad.
Was it really a good dream brutally cut short, or a bad one mercifully shortened? Maybe this is where I should start thinking.
It seems...I've gotten my answers. Answers to so many things. The answers I've been waiting for. Strange thing is, I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Much worse. So passed, has the burden of feeling as if you're hanging in the middle of nowhere, with no place in particular to land when you fall. But arrived...the feeling of loss, regret...just quite simply, broken.
It's been...kind and cruel, these past two months. Everything seemed to be happening so very quickly. So fast. Never in my life have I been able to experience the best and worst of my emotions in such a short period of time. And now it's just...gone. I think I've stepped into the void. I must have known that today when I laughed myself to tears when I realized that was it. Not tears of joy. No...not tears of joy. Weird, how you can start giggling uncontrollably and then suddenly the world turns upside down.
It's been a fantastic dream and a dreadful nightmare, what I've lived through.
Utterly fantastic. Things I can remember so fondly...so very fondly. There has been nothing in my entire life that could possibly have equaled the euphoria I experienced...so surreal, it's...jaw-dropping. When I thought about it weeks ago I thought I was dreaming until I snapped myself awake and realized, my god, this is real. Paradise. No exaggeration. If I was asked how I would define heaven, this would be it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So many things I can cherish in such a short time, its overwhelming. It's a godsend. It's...by far, perfect. The one thing I would give up so much else for.
The nightmare? No, not being skinned alive, nothing like that. Maybe it isn't really a nightmare. The pain...it cannot be described tangibly. It can't. Not for me, at least. I don't even know what it really is that's so damned painful, so painful my very soul aches horribly and my blood reeks of agony so much it might just turn black or something. It's cold...so cold. What is it really that I'm so upset about? Nobody can tell me...and I don't know for myself.
I guess...after so long, I'll have to bleed on my own. And when I bleed myself dry maybe I'll find a reason to step out into the light again, and renew the interest I used to have in so many things. But right now, it's just not possible to live as I did in the past. Not when I know I might cry myself to sleep every night and wake up oblivious to the light around me.
My god...why do I feel so torn? I feel like I'm stuck somewhere halfway between a nightmare and reality. I'm incapable of feeling anything specific, or thinking of anything coherent. I guess the only word I can use to sum up my emotions is....well....bad.
Was it really a good dream brutally cut short, or a bad one mercifully shortened? Maybe this is where I should start thinking.
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