The new year will be arriving in around two weeks, and it's surprising that it's only now I've recalled something everyone makes in preparations for the New Year. Something I haven't really done or at least followed conscientiously for most of my life.
New Years' Resolutions.
What am I supposed to do about that? haha.
This year has been...reflective. It showed me a lot about myself that I never really noticed in my past life. It's mostly attributed to the fact that I had to go for NS. I saw my weaknesses; how I succumbed to the seduction of shortcuts and attractions, how I failed to strengthen my mind, body and soul even when given the opportunity to do so.
It kind of renewed my definition, my feelings about, and my attitude towards love and all its intricacies.
This year I came to believe that faith was something that didn't exist; that the world had its way and Heaven sometimes made the wrong choices...and as a result the innocent on the ground suffered for them.
I had strengthened relationships with people, relationships I never expected to grow to such heights and depths. With Sheryl, my ever caring, ever concerned, ever wise, ever considerate, sweet, amicable, laughable, god-mum. An unbreakable pillar of strength, trust and wisdom. There was nothing I couldn't share with her. With my cousin Atiqah, my closest cousin from my Dad's side whom I had become distanced from since I came of age, and now to whom I'd learned to pour out my grievances and bare my soul to, always there to make me feel better and help me to move on with life
This year has been a roller coaster ride of immense euphoria and crushing pain. I can safely say I've extended my known limits of inner emotion beyond which I had understood before. It's been...humbling to have been given this gift as a reminder of what the human heart and soul is capable of experiencing in life. It makes you more willing to go out and search for more things that could further extend the limits of your happiness and yet more terrified of having experiences that could cause you more pain that you thought you could possibly endure. Intense pleasure and pain strengthens you inside.
It has been an emotional year for me, I could say the very least. It's also been a year with great memories, most, if not all of which I intend to carry with me for the rest of my life.
I quote a line of lyrics from "Like a Knife" by Secondhand Serenade :
These streets are filled with memories, both perfect and in pain
When I walk these streets and revisit these places, I'll always be reminded of the memories I had. They were good...good while they lasted.
Come to think of it, December seems to be some kind of a purgatory of sorts, where you're punished for the sins you committed in the year. It's the rainy season too. The rain...it comes and attempts to wash away the blood, the pain, and heal the scars. It doesn't always work.
New Years' issues aside, it's been almost a week.
It's been painful and difficult but I feel it's time to stop brooding, or 'moping', as my mum calls it, and move on with my life. Too many people at work have asked "Why do you look so sian?" "What's wrong?" and said, albeit futilely, "Cheer up" "Relax" "Don't think so much". For too long has my mum and grandma seen me in this state of emotional shock. It's time to revisit my days of boundless joy, laughter, and tasteful sarcasm. Perhaps I still harbour the hope that things will turn out the way I'd wanted from the start, but maybe I should put this hope aside for the moment, and let nature take its course.
I was reborn every week for 3 weeks just two months or less ago.
It's time to be reborn again.
New Years' Resolutions.
What am I supposed to do about that? haha.
This year has been...reflective. It showed me a lot about myself that I never really noticed in my past life. It's mostly attributed to the fact that I had to go for NS. I saw my weaknesses; how I succumbed to the seduction of shortcuts and attractions, how I failed to strengthen my mind, body and soul even when given the opportunity to do so.
It kind of renewed my definition, my feelings about, and my attitude towards love and all its intricacies.
This year I came to believe that faith was something that didn't exist; that the world had its way and Heaven sometimes made the wrong choices...and as a result the innocent on the ground suffered for them.
I had strengthened relationships with people, relationships I never expected to grow to such heights and depths. With Sheryl, my ever caring, ever concerned, ever wise, ever considerate, sweet, amicable, laughable, god-mum. An unbreakable pillar of strength, trust and wisdom. There was nothing I couldn't share with her. With my cousin Atiqah, my closest cousin from my Dad's side whom I had become distanced from since I came of age, and now to whom I'd learned to pour out my grievances and bare my soul to, always there to make me feel better and help me to move on with life
This year has been a roller coaster ride of immense euphoria and crushing pain. I can safely say I've extended my known limits of inner emotion beyond which I had understood before. It's been...humbling to have been given this gift as a reminder of what the human heart and soul is capable of experiencing in life. It makes you more willing to go out and search for more things that could further extend the limits of your happiness and yet more terrified of having experiences that could cause you more pain that you thought you could possibly endure. Intense pleasure and pain strengthens you inside.
It has been an emotional year for me, I could say the very least. It's also been a year with great memories, most, if not all of which I intend to carry with me for the rest of my life.
I quote a line of lyrics from "Like a Knife" by Secondhand Serenade :
These streets are filled with memories, both perfect and in pain
When I walk these streets and revisit these places, I'll always be reminded of the memories I had. They were good...good while they lasted.
Come to think of it, December seems to be some kind of a purgatory of sorts, where you're punished for the sins you committed in the year. It's the rainy season too. The rain...it comes and attempts to wash away the blood, the pain, and heal the scars. It doesn't always work.
New Years' issues aside, it's been almost a week.
It's been painful and difficult but I feel it's time to stop brooding, or 'moping', as my mum calls it, and move on with my life. Too many people at work have asked "Why do you look so sian?" "What's wrong?" and said, albeit futilely, "Cheer up" "Relax" "Don't think so much". For too long has my mum and grandma seen me in this state of emotional shock. It's time to revisit my days of boundless joy, laughter, and tasteful sarcasm. Perhaps I still harbour the hope that things will turn out the way I'd wanted from the start, but maybe I should put this hope aside for the moment, and let nature take its course.
I was reborn every week for 3 weeks just two months or less ago.
It's time to be reborn again.
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