I'm so grateful to have someone like mum to lean on when I'm down, desperate and downright bleeding. It's a blessing to be able to have someone you can pour out everything to with a clean conscience, someone you can trust wholeheartedly with everything you say, and someone who listens earnestly and always tries to give a balanced, personal and thoughtful opinion. Moreover, it pays to have someone who actually understands what you're talking about because she's gone through it. It's even more difficult to find someone who sincerely cares about your feelings and offers solace when you seek it...that's my mum, well she's not my real mum, but she's still awesome. I really feel lucky to have someone like her to depend on, and she always has the time to meet up with me when I need to talk, need comfort and direction. I really feel bad sometimes because I feel I've been taking up too much of her time, flooding her inbox too much. haha...I'll try not to look for you unnecessarily, okay?? Thanks so much for being my pillar of strength during a time when I need it so much. You're the only person right now I could willingly bare all of my soul to without fear or uncertainty.

Thanks so much =) loves!

Today had OCS parade rehearsal. Nothing much to say...I admit I was eating my heart out the whole time. Damn zhai. They're commissioning in just 2 days. 9 months of hell and it'll all be over after 2 days. They'll be recognized as some of the best soldiers in the SAF, and I really respect that.

Ah...the art of embracing one's pain and living with it as a part of you. I wonder if it's the wrong (or rather discouraged) practice to adopt. When you feel pain, the first thing you want is to get rid of it, because it's just an undesirable feeling. But I realized, it's the pain which reminds you of things, it literally burns into you the memories you used to love but now only hurt you inside. Its strange how you wake up on two separate occasions, one before the incident and one after. In the former, you could wake up one morning relishing the happiness found in a certain past, and in the latter, you suffer in pain and regret while thinking of that same past.

Memories...there's a certain ambiguity to them. You'd want to forget the bad ones and keep the good ones for obvious reasons. Thing is, sometimes even good memories can turn bad. And the truth is, well at least, I believe, bad memories will tend to follow you wherever you go, and sometimes the bits and pieces will never leave. Most of the time, people feel they need to let go of these memories because it holds them back and hurts them inside. Of course, there's an extent to the definition of bad memories. There's a difference between losing a family member and a lover, for example. Lovers can be replaced, but blood is thicker than water, and family members can never be replaced.

What people don't tend to see is the fact that even bad memories serve a purpose. They constantly, albeit painfully, remind you of a person, or something. In this case let's say it's a person. They remind you of how you used to feel about the person. How the person lived, looked like, sounded, even smelt like. They burn that image and likeness of the person into your heart and its that painful scar left behind that's left for you as a source of memories about that person. In essence, it immortalizes someone within you, like painting a picture on your soul. In the case of family, that would be something you'd want to have and keep, and refer to fondly. In that of an ex-lover, well, that's up to you to decide. I have to agree there are just some things about ex-lovers not worth remembering. Those are the hindrances in your life...the chains that bind, and hold you back from experiencing the better things in life.

hmm...the chains that bind.