I've come to realize how long it's been since I've typed a blog entry with any hint of emotion. Well, there were those occasional moments, but what I felt was nothing compared to the pain-ridden entries I used to write back in the day.

Remember those times, in 2006-2008? Yeah, that's right. The outdoor times.

Mr Poh shared a link with me on FB and I checked it out, and was mightily surprised to find that it was the link to my own blog; to an archive dated 8 April 2006. 14 days before the 2006 SYF Outdoor. I read through it and was...rather taken aback. Was this really me? The 'me' who put everything he had into the Titans Marching Band whenever he could? The 'me' who hated and cursed school just because it kept him from attending theTitans' band practices?

I think back to those days and I recall them with both bitter nostalgia and intensely sweet joy. Those were the days which I led with focus and purpose; probably not in the best sense, but they did teach me a thing or two about maturity, love and the power of spirit and determination. Those were the days were I had a second family many times bigger than my own; people I loved and cherished and took great joy in seeing every day. Who gets bored of people who are dedicated and fun?

Now I look at myself in the mirror and ask...what has become of that person? Compared to what I was in the past, I could very well consider myself homeless. How could I have fooled myself into breaking an attachment that ran so deep in my blood and into the very root of my soul, thinking that I'd moved on; replayed countless useless scenarios which sought to enforce that decision though they now seem completely moronic to me? How could I have left my home, shunned those whom I loved and lied to myself about where I did and did not belong? How could I have left the Titans Marching Band?

I say it with pride that after 2006, I became an alumnus of Ping Yi Marching Band. Sure, I could be seen as a traitor to many SPF loyalists, but it was a choice I had to make, and that I did. I don't have to explain why I did it, but suffice it to say that it was a choice I never regretted. I still consider myself an alumnus of PYMB, though I find it difficult to imagine myself so because of my lack of commitment and dedication, well, at least, compared to that which I had a few years ago. I can only wonder...do I really deserve to be an alumnus of this band?

I don't know what exactly defines an alumni other than the fact that he/she is a graduate from the band and decides to come back to help out and stuff, but when it comes to loyalty and dedication, those are things I place great emphasis on. Personally, if you don't show your commitment to something, you don't deserve to do it. So do I deserve a place with PYMB? That's something I'm not exactly sure of, and I don't think it's a question that I can answer myself.

"Regret is a useless emotion." - I remember saying this to my juniors, albeit with a different meaning at the time.

All I feel now is regret.

Where do I belong?