Now who says I'm a heartless creature? Sometimes people walk past the unfortunate, the needy, the disabled with so much as a quirky giggle or a smile upon their face...the coldness in their eyes so signifying as disregard for their plight. I'm not saying they relish in their suffering, though.

I still remember my time as a kid back when I was staying in Ang Mo Kio...that old place which held so many wonderful memories...the time when I was young and so carefree, aside from being a pain in the ass for my family with all my mischievous deeds. How I used to be brought out by my aunts and my mum; an outing to Orchard for shopping every weekend which I happen to resent nowadays. Those things really made me one of the happiest kids in the world, though today most of our happiness seems to be dictated by a sum of money or other material things.

And every time my mum and I passed that man, sitting, singing and playing his keyboard in the underpass between Orchard MRT station and Tangs, she'd ask me to drop a coin in, and say a small prayer for him. I always did, and it always left a light-hearted note deep down which I never came to understand even after so long.

Over the years this practice of mine has become redundant as much as it has been underused. But yesterday as I was on the way home at Bedok Interchange, I happened to pass this familiar old man clad in a white shirt and trousers; short and hunchbacked, waving a few packs of tissue paper and trying to project his feeble voice as best he could to attract potential customers. His eyes were meekly tiny; almost closed, in fact.

And I thought to myself...such an unfortunate fellow, having to do this even in the later years of his life. And at that time I just felt an enormous sense of regret and guilt engulfing me. Some may call it pity. I haven't identified it just yet. But the irony of that fact is that I didn't stop to buy what he was trying so hard to sell. I knew it was for his livelihood; to afford a meal or shelter.

Has helping the needy become the least of what my conscience allows? I should extend my help whenever I can. It's the least I could do for their survival.

On a lighter note, dear came over to my place yesterday after school to slack and have laksa =) She's a little disorientated and distraught
due to a recent spate of events which I feel I shouldn't share here, so I'll give you guys something else to see instead =)


 
[i will love you forever...it's a promise.]

I can't find a better way to seek solace for this aching heart, than to have my words published here, hopefully for her to see as well.

It's been the second time this week where I've quarrelled with dear...and it really hurts me so much when she refuses to talk about it to sort things out. I admit that a large fault of both incidents was attributed to me...I really am very sorry about whatever happened...but all I need her to do now is talk to me.

She's probably enjoying the soccer match at the national stadium now. I wonder if she'd spared some thought for what happened just now. I guess not everyone can concentrate on two things at the same time, and moreover, I'd rather her be happy cheering than isolating herself, delving into things that makes her feel worse about everything.

If there were other ways to say sorry, I'd do it, but all I can do now is say it...

I know sometimes you think I don't want to...but I really do.
I miss you so much in times where you'd think I wouldn't.
The pain I've caused you is as unbearable as it is unforgivable..
Alas, no words can set your heart at ease.
I have become so indifferent, so unfeeling.
But you're always there for me, to spur me on.
With restrained tears I lay this down.
I just wish you'd talk to me..
I know I've done wrong and I'm willing to repent,
Though sometimes repentance is futile.

Sometimes I get caught up in my games so much so that I can actually sound as if I'm uninterested with her over the phone...I shan't give any excuse for that. Not my lack of ability to multitask; not my confusion of thoughts...

Deep down I really want to talk to her, to know more about her day, just to see if she's doing fine in school, at home, anywhere.

I just wish I could be more sensitive to her thoughts and feelings and care less about myself, the self centered-ness that makes me such a jerk at times.

I'm prepared to admit whatever wrongs I have done...but whether she accepts my apologies or not is something to wonder. I cannot bring myself to hurt her anymore...

She loves me so much and all I do is break her heart....into a million pieces everytime. And when time allows for those pieces to fuse back together, I just do it all over again.

It's not the initial stages of this relationship anymore; and all I want for her is for her to be happy and not tied down by whatever negative things I impose on her so inconsiderately...

But again, all I can say is sorry...

I'm sorry...I really am.

i love you..please forgive me..

muahoho, it seems I have time to update today!!! life's been so much more 'free' without band everyday. Let's see...i shall post up pics today!! But first, lemme give you guys a sample from today's GP Current Affairs Quiz...from which my answers invited insane laughter from my group mates. Here goes : (answers are, well...you'd be blind not to notice)

14. Actors, musicians and media personalities have joined forces to issue a public call for action to end the bloodshed in SIBERIA. The artists have signed a statement that accuses the international community of standing aside as over TWO civilians were slaughtered in the violence-plagued region of southern Sudan.

Doesn't tickle your funny bone? like I always say...JC jokes are meant to stay in JC only... 0_o

Pics come next!

multi-coloured sunset near my house...amateur landscape photographer here. I know it sucks xD

And one of Caile, me and Bertwin (left to right) just before we went on stage on SYF day

And a random pic of my com which humbly resides in my room...

Here's the highlight of today...the present I made (well, completed?) for dearie for her birthday/4th month!! xD (just for you)

I hope that tickled your fancy better than the cheap JC joke I shared just now...Well then, there's a Math test (stats....everything on...stats...) on Thursday which I have to study for (of course i'm not studying for it now.)....and I guess I'll get to that tmr in school. Got a couple of econs essays to write out by that day too...unless I want to do CWO with punishments subject to the levels of sadism of the teachers in TPJC 0_o

Bought a 1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle from Jigsaw World at TM on Sunday...god I seriously regret it. The area which is supposed to be water is like Hell on Earth. The sky too. Oh my goshhhhh how am I supposed to doooooooo!!! and it cost over $100 with the huge frame FYI xD. Dear came over to my place yesterday...she helped me with my jigsaw!! i can't believe it! She was able to fit in the exact same pieces which I gave up on after trying countless times. Magic hands, she's got. Magic hands...hmmm...maybe I have a pair too but I just haven't 'activated' them...she should come by more often to help! (muahahahah more excuse to get her to come) =DD thanks dear!!!!!

Okay I think that just about wraps up what happened over the past few days....stay tuned for more reports on my oh-so-boring life! cya!

It's been another long length of time...so many things have happened and it seems I only have the mood and time to update my blog once again today. Let's start backwards, okay?

Today is dearie's birthday, and our 4th month! time really flies, and I really hope she's enjoying herself right now even thought she mentioned not wanting to celebrate her birthday with her family...she prefers to do it with me or with her pals, but apparently her mum didn't want to let her out of the house today. She has issues with her parents which I would rather not elaborate here; I just hope that those are resolved soon. Family always comes first, yeah? Who else to turn to rather than the people who provide you with daily necessities, food, shelter and of course, love. I can provide the fourth, but not really the first three, at least not yet =) I love her, and I don't expect that to change in a long time. Imagine you and me, walking down that aisle. haha. okay don't think so far...

Yesterday was SYF for JCs...and it was rather disappointing. Looking at the way we performed during practices over the past few weeks...after settling all the nitty gritty things like intonation and what not, I still don't believe the lackluster quality of music we threw at the audience in SCH yesterday. I firmly feel that tension was the cause of that. Being nervous is a potentially dangerous thing especially when it comes to playing music. Making music is a very delicate, intricate, passionate thing which involves the total concentration of heart, mind and soul. That's why music is the ultimate power in the world, or so I believe. But tension always has this buggered ability to take that concentration and confidence and throw it out the window.

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned the results for TPJC yet, in case your hearts are feeling the need to be scratched...

Silver.

Yes, silver, when all a long I felt that we'd bring home nothing less than a Gold. Who got GWH? SAJC, VJC and ACJC. Not a surprise at all. the golds? RJC, MJC, NYJC, TJC...I might have missed something, but I don't really care. TPJC got silver and that was all it took to drive me to moodlessness, though not to the brink of tears that I would have felt in my earlier years. All that hard work, though I know I didn't work the hardest; all the time spent, though I had skipped many band practices; all came to nothing when we imposed upon the judges a disappointing display of musical quality...

On a happier note, I've completed dear's birthday + 4th month present ('+' in place of 'cum' to avoid obvious misinterpretations). It was a backbreaking process (literally), but I'm just glad I finished it in time. All that's left now is to pass it to her. I wonder if she can even bring it home. Nonetheless, I can keep it for her if she can't. It'll make a good piece of decoration for my room.

I found myself interested in jigsaw puzzles. Yes, jigsaw puzzles...They're really a pain in the ass to complete, especially when they're made up of pieces that never seem to end coming out of the box; but when you've completed one you really feel grand. I should be going down to TM later to get prolly a 500-1000 piece one to do up and hang up in my room. There's a portion of wall in my room that looks a little too empty for my liking.

Well band is finally over for me so I guess I have to devote my time to studying now...another one of my less loved though undeniably appreciated privileges in life. Alas, qualifications are the only thing that binds modern people to the world...and I need one to realize the image of my future as a man living comfortably in a humble HDB flat/Condo, driving a flashy BMW and giving my kids and not to mention my wife a comfortably life as well. There's a band concert which should be coming in June or July and my juniors are hinting to me that the J2s should spare the time to perform with them and not 'leave them in the lurch'. I'd certainly consider the former, but times always change...I can't make a firm decision nor state a preference right now.

That's about it guys...a rather boring yet informative post...ups and downs...no philosophies today. I'd talk about my idea of making areoplanes/practically any vehicle invisible, but I've already been told by my classmates that it's not in the least practical..so I'll skip it here.

Have a great weekend! I think I will =) see ya!

[i will wait for you, no matter how long, no matter what it takes.]

Now don't ask me about my sudden urge to blog...cuz I haven't in a long long time. haha. Haven't found those perfect moments in J212 in school to do this for the past few weeks...Speaking of weeks, they've been hectic. More than I have ever imagined, where band has been taking up so much of my time, leaving little for anything else, including studying (which I never seem to be able to bring myself to do). Well it'll all be over after SYF (well I certainly hope so!) and I can get back to living the life of a slacker...ahhh the old times. This time, well, needs to include more studying in my daily schedules in preparation for the big one which will come in time, and time is really passing real quick nowadays (or nowaweeks?)

Stress, on the other hand, has not been mounting on me, or so I feel, even though band seems to be getting tougher on the body and schoolwork has of course not been easing up on the brain. So I'm constantly being physically and mentally drilled. Sounds like the good life of a healthy person, doesn't it? Go figure. (dear taught me this..she keeps using it!) Tell me, guys, when have I ever succumbed to the dreaded clutches of stress? Somehow, for the past 17 years, this word never once got hold of any association with me...but I cannot confidently doubt its possibility either.

Let's see...what'll be going on this week? band, band and more band...a maths test, econs remedial (which I am skipping because of band)...not much else, but the lessons are only going to get tougher. Physics SPA (its practical assessment of physics) is finally over, with everyone having completed all the modules. I won't say much about it. Divulging any sensitive stuff here may get me a rather undesirable grade in my results slip...When SPA is over.. the lab lessons are turned into tutorials...wonderful! more quality time with our tutors...and even more words and numbers that all seem to be brought across in Greek and Latin. (not that I don't understand a little Greek and Latin...I see it all the time in Statistics!) Coping will not be a problem...so don't worry about me =)

I managed to catch Spiderman 3 at tampines mall today...the result of a concerted effort to get tickets by booking them last Friday...don't ask me. Charlie did it. Great movie if you ask me. A lot more emotional than the previous movie. So far though, my friends and I agree : Spiderman 1 was the best.

Who else to dedicate my last paragraph to than my dearest =) I haven't been able to meet up with her for a while, and even when we do the amount of time we spend together just doesn't seem to be enough. Then again, when is it ever enough? Not that I don't appreciate every second we spend together with all my heart though xD Her birthday is coming...I'm preparing something special =) thank Heavens its on a Saturday...leaves a lot more freedom than when its on a weekday. Putting aside everything else, I love her!!! and that's a fact that's never going to change =)

Okay...I better get back to whatever I'm doing now. Super tired too. cya!