Got up at 7:20 this morning in camp and got a ride home from my aunt. Funny how I remember waking up at 3 in the morning last night, felt as if I'd tossed and turned for a long time, and the next thing I knew it was already 7.

Yesterday wasn't so bad. At least with 14 episodes of House, it wasn't. Witty sarcasm is always funny. Speaking of House, I'd learnt a few new words. One of them is misanthropic. Look it up.

Chatting with one of the clerks and my other BO was pretty good too. Good to see I'm not all that anti-social after all. Had a good laugh at the back of a truck on the way down to the bunk later that night; laughs I haven't had in ages.

My face isn't getting any better...I'm still considering seeing a skin doctor. Yeah, it's probably overkill for something as trivial as mine, but I'd prefer to knock it down and make it stay down right now than let it progress and end up with a face looking like a damn asphalt road. Those rashes on the right side of my lower jaw have been there since November and that can't possibly be good.

Damn it, my foot isn't getting any better and I'm still going for a run with Khairi tomorrow morning. Drawn up my 20km target route to finish by the end of February. I think I'm going to have to run it alone though. April (Yingmei?) is taking part in the Adidas 42.195km marathon...that's totally insane. Not that I'm underestimating her, but I never knew she'd be capable of doing it. She's just...delicate. haha. No way am I joining her. Not yet, at least.

University admissions for NTU and NUS are opening soon and up till this time I still find myself considering my options, albeit futilely most of the time. It's been months since I'd decided to drop out of mechanical engineering and I still don't know for sure what I should do with the years after ORD.

What are the factors, career wise? Money? Proximity? Scope? Experience? More about the money, actually. I've got plans on what to do with it. No, not a flashy mansion with a Maserati, Lamborghini, Aston Martin, Ferrari, and a Saleen to fill up the terrace unit sized garage. That's very, very appealing, though. Anyway, what's still important is whether I'd like studying what I'd be studying and doing what I'd be doing upon graduation.

Sidetrack. Once again I'm savouring that exotic smell from the house opposite mine. Curry, sweat, and clothes worn before they're dried. More of the curry. Fish, I think. At least I don't hear rapid Bangladeshi along with the putrid scent.

Managed to do that 'Random 25' note thingy on Facebook despite having looked at it with disgust over the past few days. Can't really explain my contempt though.

Boring night, isn't it? Nobody's online. Well, at least, the usual people I talk to aren't online. Saturday night. Figures. Everyone's got better things to do than rot at home at 11pm at night. Am I being cynical again?

Update :

Just reached home after a long ride on bus 12 from Katong.

Pretty interesting stuff on the way to parkway and back. We were on bus 15 going to parkway and I couldn't help but notice having eye contact multiple times with this really pretty looking lady, probably in her early twenties even though chang yuan didn't agree with the age; said that was too old. She had really nice eyes. haha.

As for the trip home, there was this kinky old man with his brown skinned girlfriend (domestic helper?); he was cuddling, hugging and kissing her cheek like there was no tomorrow and quite frankly I was disgusted despite the extent of the affection he showered on her. I could see she was a little irritated too. haha. Oh gosh, get a room.

Today's Route (can't upload the satellite image; gmaps is a little screwed on my internet) :



Oh yeah, and if anyone was curious about that bass guitarist my cousin introduced to me, here he is :

At chang yuan's house now...gonna go to parkway soon to have lunch and look at stuff. Did about 12.8km today; couldn't finish the 16km we intended to run because our legs couldn't take it. haha. We weren't really getting anywhere at our pace anyway. oh well. always another day to try.

Just got home from orchard...went there with chang yuan (JC) and swee khoon to look at stuff at wheelock, taka and cine. Wanted to get myself an ipod but decided to wait instead...Don't want to splurge so much just on one day!

I got myself a shirt from Adidas to use for running and a new book from Borders! The book's called Blasphemy by Douglas Preston. Food for a conspiracy addict. haha. I've been spending wayyyy too much this month. Oh well. I'm helping the recession! haha.

Apparently Sadil broke his leg by jumping over a bush to catch a cab. WHAT THE LAME!? as if he couldn't have picked a more justifiable way to get his leg broken AGAIN.

I hope my foot gets better by tomorrow. Gonna run with chang yuan again.

I've got....two Subway cookies to be my very special companions tonight.

Didn't know how it felt to be
Put aside like a toy
Thinking this was unbreakable
Only lying to myself over again

I couldn't shake the feeling

Serenity
It was taking over way too fast
Insanity
It felt that way but didn't last
I couldn't see
Too blinded by that one thing we called love
And now I'm hiding in a corner all alone

I'm glad that we shared something even though right now it's gone
I never knew that special feeling wouldn't last for long
What a fool
It was true
We never made it through afterall

I'm trying to forget the days
And the things you and I used to say
Cause even though I can't live without you
Don't wanna go on living with this pain

And that very first night we had it was

Serenity
It was taking over way too fast
Insanity
It felt that way but didn't last
I couldn't see
Too blinded by that one thing we called love
And now I'm hiding in a corner all alone

Sometimes I wish I could just see my greatest fears
The ones I know would rip my heart and drive me back to tears again but
That's the only way I think I could let go of you
Even though I love you

It's too late
It's over.

Woke up at 7 today to meet khairi and mum for the run, only to realize that mum's running shoes hadn't dried yet!! so wasted; was looking forward to running with her. haha. oh well, there's always another day. There were stuff I wanted to tell her!

I got off one bus stop early by accident and noticed khairi running toward me awkwardly after a few minutes. Apparently the next bus stop was right in front of his house so I made him run all the way here for nothing. haha. Deposited my stuff at his place den went to stretch and run.

We followed the park connector from bedok res toward east coast park. We bloody ran into a dead end just a few hundred metres after starting lah! Didn't know there wasn't a through road, so had to turn back, before realizing that in order to get to the other side of the monsoon drain at the condo there we had to loop all the way back. We'd have none of that, so we just went into the drain and crossed over to the other side. hahaha. I barely made the jump across the canal of water running through the middle.

Talked a lot of cock throughout the 6km to east coast park man. Another buddy who doesn't mind chatter! awesome. by the time we reached east coast we decided to take a break and walk to 7-11...it was damn far la, we walked about 6km. Shared a 1.5l of H2o then crossed over to marine parade for the 4km run back to old ping yi. Walked back to khairi's place which was another 3km...by then our legs were totally busted. haha. didn't know 10km was such a killer. With a break in between, even.


My right foot hurts like crazy now and I don't know why. Been limping like a spastic person the whole day.

Atiqz came over with her family later in the afternoon. Good timing too; I'd just taken my bath. She was kinda out of it today. Must be that Kyle XY that's been getting into her head. Apparently she thinks the main character is cute, and the fact that he doesn't have a belly button and uses 98% of his brain tickles her right to the bone. I'll pass. haha. Her moodswinging is pretty unpredictable. She can go from an irritable pregnant woman to a swooning girl on heroin swimming in her own euphoria just like that.

I found out over dinner that my dad was a commando back during his NS days. cool.

And guess what, my idiot cousin is looking at everything I'm typing right now, and he's giggling uncontrollably like a little girl watching me type about him right now. Oh look, he's playing with my hair again. 0_o Primary 6 and he still asks me "isn't 'bathe' pronounced 'bath'?" okay. Now I'm scared.

ALRIGHT! time to go. He's slapping me like a friggin clown right now.

Woke up to lazy start today! I got out of bed at like 8:30am to use the toilet before heading back to my room...and my mum chirped a 'good morning!' and then I said I was going back to bed; I only got up to use the toilet. haha! The next time I awoke was 11am, went to bathe and play com while waiting for guests to arrive.

I had a real good time when my cousin Yilin came over. We meet only so often, because of her impossibly hectic schedule. 10 training sessions a week (she's a national fencer, travels the world for competitions and training programs and stuff) which means double sessions on 4 weekdays and single sessions on Wednesdays and Saturdays, Sunday being her only off day, which isn't really an off day because she's still caught up with schoolwork and stuff. It's really amazing how she's able to juggle school and fencing and still do well for both of them.

She noticed a couple of things about me that no one else had ever told me before.

1. My shoulders looked broader and I looked less boyish
2. I grew taller (but that was later justified by the fact that I'd stopped slouching and stood and sat straighter)

We talked about a lot of random stuffs and shared some videos on youtube too. She showed me this bass guitar player who is HELLA AWESOME. Great in terms of technique AND musicality; not just the brainless shredding most people are so awed by all the time. I showed her Jeff Dunham. Wanted to show her Miss Swan but didn't have the chance to; we had to go over to my aunt's place for dinner.

She noticed the change in arrangement on the black magnetic boards on my right wall and inevitably asked "where's girlfriend?" Well obviously I had to tell her; no point keeping it from her anyway, though I mentioned I was hoping she wouldn't ask. haha. Chatted a bit about it, and her reaction towards it was pretty surprising although oddly welcoming as well.

My mum called me into the living room and told me that my aunt (Yilin's mum) was going to start teaching her about Christianity sometime later in the year and asked me if I wanted to go with her too. My reaction was like 0_o ? Then she mentioned the need to have a religion and stuff, so I just said "running is my religion now" and she didn't say anything. hahaha. avoiding the problem is so easy sometimes. Its strange how she's so willing to accept Christianity as her faith now. I told her that's alright; but don't expect to be able to drag me to church on a whim. I'd like to stay godless for a while longer.

When we left for my aunt's place we realized my aunt's car didn't have enough space for all of us so Yilin and I walked to my aunt's place instead. We were talking about relationships (more about hers and her friends') and a possible retreat together (both our families) to Japan at the end of the year. I'm pretty hyped for it. I guess I'll have to scrap any overseas plans I'd intended to make with my BMT mates.

Then we were at my aunt's place, and my three cousins were going on and on endlessly about us being a couple and bla bla bla, though quite obviously she was as much their cousin as she was mine. Things got worse when she hugged me in front of them hahaha. That felt weird. But they were just being childish little jerks, like they always are. hahaha. I just told her it was best not to patronize them; encouraging them gave them confidence and that wasn't good for either of us.

The food was good! I had a second helping which I kind of regretted; I was so full.

Soon it was time to leave, and she didn't want to. She wanted to come back to my place to spend a little more time together but her grandma was really tired so her mum didn't oblige. I really didn't want to part with her either. It's just so nice to be with her...so easy to talk to, completely non-judgmental, smart, mature, and always so sincere about everything. But it's okay, she made it a point for us to catch up once a week or fortnight, just to hang out. Even said she wants to have a picture taken and framed. haha. that would be nice =) can't wait to see her again.

I still have that fuzzy feeling inside. haha. I guess I didn't realize how much I'd missed her till I saw her again today.

Alright...time to bathe and get back to gaming. Doesn't seem like there's anyone online to talk to. Should get an early rest tonight because I'm meeting khairi and mum for a 10km run tmr morning. I've to be up at 7am!!! omg...gotta remember to drink lots of water before I go to bed too.

Woke up at 8 this morning feeling super tired as usual, den went to my aunt's place to do prayers for my great grandma before meeting chang yuan (JC classmate) for a run at around 10:30.

Tried a new route today; ran to the junction near SAFRA, crossed the bridge into simei, passed eastpoint, went down to expo, then past tanah merah MRT all the way down to bedok MRT. Initially wanted to loop around chai chee before ending up at bedok interchange but then stitch started to set in so we stopped short. haha. Think it was around 8km according to the path plotter on Google Earth.

Really pays to have a buddy to talk to while I run! I didn't feel tired at all. It's pretty hard to find a running buddy who doesn't mind the constant chatter. hahaha. thank goodness it was two-way too.

Damn the stitch. We could've covered much more.

Had lunch at this random coffeeshop because we couldn't find Aston's. Damn it, I feel retarded for not knowing where it is. Settled for some chicken rice and a cup of super thick and sweet milo 0_o

Came home to do a little bit of this:



Burn, baby, burn! Something else I enjoy other than blowing limbs off with a machinegun or shotgun.

I have to be able to do a 20km run before June this year...that's the target I'm setting for myself. I should plot a 10km route soon so I can at least safely say that I'm halfway there. haha. Now I know what Google Earth can do for me.

This is my world, my life, my only existence
I'm sorry its not good enough for you
You're wonderful, you're beautiful but I'm just the opposite
So I'm sorry but I'm not your dream come true

And should I be sorry for myself too?

As if I don't have anything better to do, I pissed my mum off again. I really have to stop doing this. It's not doing me any good at all with her slamming doors (and well, anything else she gets her hands on when she's on fury mode).

No, sorry doesn't work. Trust me. I've tried. Too many times before, with far too many failures to make them count. 'Sorry' just boosts her ego and gives her a reason to get all over my head and rub salt and detergent and antiseptic into the wound. So no, no sorry. At least I don't have to face her for the rest of the evening, especially since I sleep in my own room now.

War must have been a real horror back then. The fact that I got chills running down my spine every time I killed a soldier in COD5 in a rather sadistic, brutal manner is enough for me to know how mind blowing the feeling would've been for someone to have done it in real life back in WW2.

There was this japanese soldier who'd tried to bayonet me after knocking me to the ground. Reflexes told me to press 'v' when this happened and I did; knocking his rifle away and stabbing him in the neck with my knife as he lost is balance and lunged forward. I actually saw the look in his computer generated eyes today. He was bespectacled, and his face a picture of awe and shock as he realized he'd been outwitted. The rest was just blood gushing out of the wound.

And then I realized what I'd done when I shot a flamethrower's fuel tank. Strange how the tank is still in one piece on his back. If you look closely, you'll notice his boots with his feet still in them.

Everytime I try to sleep with music on I get awakened by a myriad emotions. I tried to take a nap today while listening to some songs on my psp, and every time I closed my eyes to the darkness I felt as if I was watching a movie; scenes from so many memories played one after another, vivid, expressive and fluid as if I'd been watching it straight off the silver screen.

Past the music blasting in my ears, I could hear voices, a calm breeze. I felt the chill of the late night wind, and other things too. Never have these visions been so real to me before. I feel kind of displaced from reality.

It was the same thing on the way home. I couldn't force myself to close my eyes because seconds later I'd snap wide awake, as if to escape the visions. I think there was this malay girl sitting across from me, she kept looking at me with an ever so subtle glint of curiosity in her eyes. Probably never seen a serious face on a bus before. haha. I was mainly pissed because I couldn't sleep.

I wanted to go for a run today; but by the time I'd reached home it was already 7:30. I'm not keen on running in the dark, and if I have to run, it would be to bedok again, not around some estate nearby although that works too, technically. Looks like I'll have to wait till Saturday or Sunday. Still haven't been able to find the strength to run back. The pain's gone, though. I'm going to see if I can reach PY within about 45 minutes instead of the usual hour. Need to pick up the pace if I'm going to even hope to clock under 9:45 for IPPT.

Feel damn tired today. Probably because it's nearing the end of the week. Sigh, I used to be so chock full of energy. haha.

Anyway, I think I know why I've had this identity crisis problem (I think I'm over it. Not really sure, though.). You can call me a loser for believing, but I got my answer out of The Rules of Love.

It mentioned the danger of dependency; while a relationship is supposed to breed independence since partners are supposed to help each other become strong and confident, sometimes dependence is bred instead. As a result they cease to exist as two separate people and rather become a hybrid of either person; one being with individual personalities intertwined in such a way that when one leaves or disappears, the other becomes incomplete, and his or her identity is lost. Well, at least that's what the book said. So it's important to remain as a unique person even when it may seem as though you two have a lot in common, so much so that you inadvertently fuse into a culmination of both people.

My mistake.

I wonder who else had fallen into this temporary deathtrap.

On a lighter note (though slightly more morbid), I've been having fun blowing the limbs off Nazi and Japanese soldiers with grenades and heavy machineguns. Not to mention blowing up flamethrower wielders by shooting the tanks. Watching them explode into a flurry of red chunks is always interesting. haha.

Had IPPT duty this morning...had to be in camp by 7am =.= just lazed around, carried a few stuff and watched peoples' agonized faces as they were running around the track. Had a few laughs about some retarded people..haha.

After that had full band for the DOM audition for Alan and Julian. Was pretty fun. I especially liked playing the piece Julian prepared for...it's called Morning, Noon and Night. Pretty fast paced, dramatic piece. I was playing the cymbals...was so fun. So fun that I now have two bruises in the form of lines across the left side of my chest from all the fast ff and fff choking. Lots of them, too. My hands were totally decimated after we went through the piece, again and again. Didn't really put them down. hahaha. it was pretty hard to uncurl my fingers after I finally set the cymbals down. I'd forgotten how the alternate symbol for a crotchet rest looked like (it's an inverted quaver rest) and was playing wrongly like a fool for some time before realizing. hahaha. I'm starting to like playing the cymbals. I think it's an SCV influence.

Speaking of SCV, spent some time in the afternoon watching DCI 2008...went through Phantom Regiment, Blue Devils and The Cavaliers. GOD DAMN I don't understand why the cavies didn't win!!! Their drill was awesome, and music was good, especially since it was an original composition. You'd have to watch them yourself to know why I felt so strongly about them. 3rd place is a total injustice! Never have I said "WHAT THE!? WHAT THE LAME!? OH MY GOD!" so many times during a single show before. haha.

Suffered a long bus ride home, put down my stuff, and went for a run. I regret it, actually. I started out with a bad lower back and a bad knee, and after the run the pain got worse. My hip started to hurt too. I was walking like some cacat person after that hahaha. I can't believe I'd just used a malay word. Nevermind, I'm not in the mood for racism today.

Took bus 69 back to tampines to have dinner with CY...initially intended to run back but didn't think it wise considering the pain I had in three places or more.

COD5 has arrived and I've just installed it! I think I'm going to sleep at 2am tonight just to play it muahuahuahuahuahua xD

Super low patience and attention span today man. Couldn't dedicate my time to practicing, reading or even playing my psp today. It was only till later in the afternoon when I found myself practicing just three rudiments for a solid hour and a half. Damn, those flam rudiments are a real bitch. Well at least I can play them decently now. Three of them, at least.

Went to meet mum at AI after work, took bus home together. We were talking about random stuff, and she was on a sugar rush from the kueh bahulu she'd bought earlier today. That stuff is really good! Its funny how she gets sugar rush so easily. haha. And then she gets totally random and hyper. Anyway, I mentioned the north being a boring place; with no pretty girls at all to see at the interchange area. Seemed as though they were all in the East.

Then a girl boarded the bus.

"It seems we've found an exception to my claim."

Gosh, she was gorgeous. hahaha. Chinese girl with long, straight hair with a heavy fringe across the forehead, deep, alluring eyes. Tall and tanned, too. As she walked past (she sat in the seat next to me in another aisle on the right side of the bus; we were on the left) mum noticed she was wearing a Ngee Ann sec tee.

"She's wearing a ngee ann sec tee!"

"That explains it. HAS to be an east-sider. hahaha!"

And so my claim holds. haha. okay lah, maybe I'm just making excuses to keep it that way.

I walked home from S11 area after accompanying her to top up her ezlink card and get more kueh bahulu from this bakery called icake. Apparently she enjoys nibbling on the crust of the little round cakes, so she picked out the ones with the thickest edges. hahaha. cute.

COD5 arrives tomorrow night!

Woke up feeling like crap again, perspiring and super tired...because I slept at 1am last night? perhaps, perhaps.

Had speed training this morning again, this time we ran the actual 1km route around the white house. Damn chui man! The first 1km round I came in at 4:15, the second at 3:58 after chionging a little more. I wonder how I'm going to sprint to come in within around 3:15-3:30 on the actual day. We've decided to conduct training in no.4 vest slack with boots during the next session, with me in charge since it was my idea. lol. I can't believe they'd agreed to it, but it's going to be good training.

Spent the rest of the morning watching DCI videos in the library and practicing New Breed on the drums till lunch. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this 4 way coordination thing; though it still makes me feel super unbalanced sitting on the throne while my two feet struggle to work independently of each other, and I still feel super retarded trying to work my way through the exercises. haha. nevermind, practice makes perfect! everyday we have to strive to be better than we were the day before!

Which brings me back to running...I think the next time I run to PY I'm going to run back too. How far could it be? 16-18km at most? Doesn't really matter since after the first 4-5km or so my legs start to get numb so I don't really feel tired. It's these weak lungs and heart. zzz.

Ran into my mum (my biological mum) at tampines inter and went home with her. I did something stupid after my bath today. I brushed my teeth. Halfway through I stopped and thought to myself "what the hell am I doing!?" but since I'd already gotten started I figured I'd better finish the job. haha.

Call of Duty 5 is on the way! Arriving on Wednesday night. It's time to relive more of WW2 (I'm a WW2 PC game fanatic, and WW2 shooters always make me ecstatic.) By then I'll be another $64.90 poorer. Buy your way out of a recession! It's the best way to help the economy pick up again! Sounds like a pathetic excuse for spending money when it's already so hard to come by, but truth be told, spending your way out of a recession is one of the best if not the best way.

CY passed me The Rules of Love, the book I'd gotten him for Christmas. I'm still at rule 11 out of 100, but thus far I've learnt quite a number of things that make a whole lot of sense. Yeah, getting love tips from a book probably means you're a total loser in life and love. But what the heck, if it helps, why not?

It's a Sunday but I just had to wake up at 8am. Bloody hell, what happened to those days where I could sleep till 10 plus or 11? Okay, maybe it's because I went to bed a little earlier last night. I still feel damn tired though, like 10 hours of sleep isn't enough? It is, actually. Still sleeping but not rested. What the hell is wrong with me, anyway? Can't I even get some real sleep once in a while?

I'd forced myself to stay in bed till around 9. During that hour I was contemplating running to Bedok again, but something kept holding me back, compounded by the fact that I was aching all over from who knows what. It's really weird how for so many years I'd came to believe that running was a sin and there was absolutely nothing in this world that could possibly motivate me to run for anything other than pure doctrine, and now running has become a sort of pastime that I look forward to everyday.

Maybe I should start running every night. An hour and if I'm still up to it, and hour back. I feel, somehow, drawn toward Bedok though I know there are about a thousand other places I could direct myself toward. Perhaps the sense of familiarity is alluring in a way. So many memories in that place. Band and stuff, well mostly band. We all miss the past. But we can never go back, though we can always find ways to relive the days.

I've to leave home at around 4 later; meeting qz to go for CY's NYP concert at the esplanade. Frankly, I still don't know what made me agree to go for it. He's only performing for 3 out of the myriad pieces including orchestral works which don't interest me at all. Maybe the percussion ensemble is worth taking a look at too. I've not gone to a band concert in ages; I think the only thing I'd agree to do willingly would be to perform for one. I'd much prefer to go to a Liquid Tension Experiment / Dream Theater / Yellowcard / The Script / Snow Patrol / David Cook / etc. concert. The blazing lights and blaring amps make me feel alive again. haha

I have half a mind to give up gaining weight. This seemingly hypermetabolic body of mine isn't helping my cause. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm skinny and live with it.

Went for band at PY this morning. Had no idea how tired I was until I actually left the house; I'd slept at like 2am last night. Had quite a good time teaching the section...combine was pretty fun too. Laughing and smiling in band with genuine sincerity has been hard, but today I felt some of the restraints loosen, and I felt less alienated. Went for dinner after band at KFC; funny how I found myself there after telling myself so long ago to boycott it.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your time came and you left before you or anyone else was ready? What have you done in your lifetime to be deserving of being remembered and missed? Had you lived your life trying so hard to be someone else, out of envy or desperation, and thus labeled yourself as something more fictitious than anything else in everyone's memories? Or have you striven to be nothing more than yourself, having people around you accept you just the way you are, flaws or not, spectacular, or not?

Would you be begging for forgiveness? Or would you be being asked of it? What would you have said to the ones you loved and cared dearly for? Tell them the things you've always wanted to say but never did; tell them how sorry you were for leaving?

And when the heart stops beating and you finally die...who will stay by your side and cry?

Went for another run today, took the same time to reach PY! I don't know if it's because I'm slow or what, because I think I'm running at a average speed of 2.4km per 15minutes (exaggerated timing, I suppose)...and since I ran for an hour, I'd say the distance is roughly 9.6km or less? I don't know; considering the fact that my camp is about 20km away from my house, having PY 10km away from my house seems a little far fetched.

Used the new shoes today, and it was super damn light! It took a lot more effort to walk rather than run. I guess it's just physics; it takes a lot more effort to move a light body through a distance because a heavier body moves with its own momentum as a driving force too. The downside of the shoes is that by the time I'd reached Bedok Reservoir area, I felt blisters forming on both my fourth toes. My feet don't hurt as much as when I ran in the New Balance pair from the army though.

Had my hair cut today too. I do look like an idiot with hair that's too long for my own good.

Picked up a copy of the new paper today too. Actually I only bought it for one reason. It was a good read, though. It's humbling. To have so much strength to continue living for a purpose instead of the sake of it, to have been thrown right back in the deep end of the pool and expected not only to tread water, but to swim too; ahead, away, and forward into even deeper waters.

One more thing to top it all off :


The Man Who Cant Be Moved - The Script

Had full band this morning, sight read a few pieces here and there, including one by James Barnes called 'Wild Blue Yonder', some piece commissioned for the US Air Force. God damn frickin difficult to play, and to further complicate things, I was given a bell/xylo part =.= talk about black page. If this were a DJMax song, I don't know how many times over I'd have seen the word STAGE FAILED.

I'm roughly 50 pages away from finishing The Charlemagne Pursuit, which puts me right on schedule since I'd planned to finish it by tomorrow. Could've finished it today but I felt my brain starting to liquefy from the excessive information intake so I stopped before I could begin to go prematurely senile. Julian and I had an interesting discussion about body language and later, marching bands at the canteen this afternoon. I learnt a few interesting things about body language! No, I'm not going to share. Pretty obvious, though, some of it.

My right wrist hurts like a bitch again today. Probably high time, since I haven't been bothered by my condition since weeks ago. Come to think of it, it's been almost two months since I'd last felt the pain. Gotta gulp down some medication later before I go to bed.

And today I am further impoverished by $129! After work I went to Royal Sporting House at TM to get myself a pair of running shoes. I just checked out what I bought like 5 minutes ago, and lucky me, seems I got a pair suitable for my needs. I just thought it looked cool and was super light. hahaha. It's called the Adizero Mana :


Gonna try this pair out tomorrow when I make my next trip to PY.

Off to dinner! And my hand still hurts like a bitch.

Another day of pointlessness. Had a LIFE run this morning during which me and a group of other guys were training, somewhat, for the upcoming 10 x 1km relay sometime at the end of this month. We split into two groups of 5 and did two timed rounds around the white house each. Damn, I came in at 1:24 and 1:36 on the first and second rounds; each round being roughly 420m. I was already super chui after running the first round. Imagine having to maintain that kind of timing for 6 whole rounds during IPPT if I want to get my Gold. Now I'm not so sure. More training will tell me if I'll be ready.

Spent the rest of the morning watching DCI videos in the library (yes, they have a very large collection of marching videos, DCI included), then spent the afternoon reading my book and jamming...I managed to fall asleep in the canteen this afternoon. Was just so tired. Probably because I slept past midnight last night. I wonder how people do it; work or play till late at night and still have the ability to display boundless energy the following day, having the same routine as always. I think I can get my new book this Friday.

Speaking of Friday, I took leave because the whole band was going down for parade while I wasn't, and I didn't want to be the only sad case stuck in the office the entire day while the rest of the band goes for given half day off after they return from the parade. I think I'm going to get New Moon from Carmen...which reminds me; since I'd have that, I don't need to get a new book just yet. haha. Thinking of going for another run to PY on Friday evening too. Probably going to meet Khairi as he gets off from band practice; says he needs to come over to my place to work on a cadence.

The previous run to PY has apparently fed a strange growing desire to run long distances. Probably the just endorphins talking, but hey, this time I'm willing to listen. I mean, I want to train, but running around in circles somewhere just doesn't speak to me. I need to go further, really take in the atmosphere and look at things around me while I'm running; not see the same old crap over and over again. I think I'm going to try a different route this time...hopefully increase the distance substantially but is not too complicated. It's too bad I can't listen to music while running during IPPT. Nothing tires me out more than the sound of my own laboured breathing.

Currently, as usual, there's some bangla on the phone with god fucking knows who standing at the parapet near my house. Don't you have a bloody house to talk in? Are you lost? There's a group of those lowlifes renting out the place right opposite my house. Every damn night they never fail to cause an unnecessary ruckus which lasts late into the night, the latest being about 2am as I recall. I remember waking up to the sound of laughing and realized it was them talking loudly inside their house. I thought it was morning already but when I looked at the clock it was only about 2am. God damn it! What did I do to deserve this audiometric torture? Once again I'm fantasizing myself with an aluminium baseball bat and a license to kill. hmmm. no, wait. That's reserved for slow walking people in crowded places. I'd better use a wooden one for this case. Or a hockey stick.

Sometimes people talk about how moving on is so easy, how it's a personal choice and that it can be done as easily and with as much effort as it takes to say it. Sure, it's a personal choice. But how easy is it, really, to move on from something that's affected you severely, albeit by your own gauge? Yeah, this and that, this isn't too bad, that could be worse, and everything would seem, in a way, superficial at best.

Personally, you think it's some kind of apocalyptic end of the world scenario where the sky comes crashing down and you sink into some kind of hole hoping for light to find you when in actual fact, you could just as easily step out into the light. haha. The irony. But then again, stepping out of your comfort zone is much, much easier said than done.

Being human, we revel in being in comfortable environments, free from the hurt and pain of the unknown or little explored masses beyond our comfort zone, safe behind a barrier of denial, distrust and instinctive self-preservation, if not a kind of displeasure seen in commitment. Why go to the extent of committing to all that when you could stay inside, secure, safe, happy?

How a person could be totally content with what he has when he knows he could be enjoying the pleasures afforded by things set outside his comfort zone, is another question altogether. Again, being human, we're drawn to things we see fit to improve and enhance our lives as a whole, by adding bits and pieces of a lifelong puzzle we call happiness.

It seems, though, that this puzzle is never complete, pieces of it fading and becoming misshapen as we move further along the timeline, and at the same time, as if to complicate things further, the picture formed from the pieces inevitably changes as people come and ago, events unfold, and reflections are made.

How do we finish something when we have no goal in sight? The very fear that we will be unable to see the big picture at the end of the journey somehow instills a hindering fear within that mars our advances as we move along.

What makes a person happy? That's up to us to decide. It's very subjective, like what food, music, or sport a person likes.

Once again, I digress.

Back to moving on. Sometime's its a necessity, sometimes it feels like an impossiblity; but moving forward and leaving the past behind is all we can do if we truly want to age and mature with time. Funny, because people like myself, granted, seem to enjoy living in the past and relishing in the memories of good times long gone.

There's a kind of duality surrounding memories and past experiences. They fortify, teach, and inspire, and yet they slow, hinder and frighten. The very things we value so much may, at the same time, the nightmares we hope to avoid in everyday life. A bad memory is a scar on our soul and a weight attached to us via an unbreakable link of chains. But I've talked about this before; no point repeating.

To move on is to embrace the future and all its pleasures, to finally stop looking over our shoulders every now and then to see if anything's creeping up on us; the things we fear, the things we hate, the things we know we don't need anymore.

Life's like this...pain is only temporary. Its purpose is to remind us that, above all else, we are only human. To be released from this pain is to become stronger; for pain is merely weakness leaving the body. In cleansing, one must suffer purgatory, and he emerges pure.

So when can I finally be free and continue walking my path, pure of heart, cleansed of pain, strengthened by the will to live and the desire to better my life?

When can you?

Hey guys, just had my bath and a hearty dinner.

Woke up at 10 this morning and busied myself with whatever I could find before going for lunch with mum in the afternoon.

I'd walked to interchange from my house. Funny, I seem to have an affinity for walking nowadays. Nevermind, it's a good way to save money anyway. We had lunch at Subway, talking about a lot of stuff, but mostly I just enjoyed her company. The 6inch sub I had didn't seem like enough to fill me up, that is, till I moved on to the cookies. Damn, those things are like friggin sugar bombs! I could almost taste what I thought was icing sugar in one of the cookies. Fortunately I don't get sugar rush. haha. Not even a cadbury family bar could send me into a mindless frenzy. I walked home after that, after walking her back to her place.

As if walking to interchange and back wasn't enough, I went for a run later at 6. The initial plan was to run from my house to Ping Yi and back, but by the time I'd reached PY my legs were so thrashed I settled for a bus ride home =) Anyway, I was met with surprise when I reached PY at about 7pm.

Apparently, there was band today! So I arrived at the gate which was crawling with PY band members who just left the school, and had a chat with a few of the guys, amongst others who couldn't help but display faces of shock seeing me there in a t shirt and shorts, towel in one hand, PSP in the other. haha. I waited for Zack, who got a drink with me and later walked with me till his house area before we parted and I waited for 28. Hey, I didn't make him do it. He volunteered. haha.

And now I'm sitting here with a splitting headache and aching legs. And I've got to be up at 5:30 tomorrow morning! awesome.

Carmen's finally gotten New Moon back! That means I can get it from her soon; but I've gotta finish The Charlemagne Pursuit first! It's a great read and I'm still on it.

Alright, I guess that's about it. Good day today. Good day.

It probably wasn't just a new, refreshing experience, or an adventure for the heart and soul. It wasn't a game in which anyone could have won or lost, or an endeavour that needed finishing.

It was more of a sort of completion, something to make me feel whole again, something that could make me feel deserving of living this life; that could fill in all the empty niches inside. It was something that gave me the strength to live my life to the fullest and learn to better appreciate the subtle joys in everyday struggles, whatever they may be. It took pain away, or in the very least alleviated it, and replaced it with a kind of euphoria you don't find anywhere else. It gave me a sense of security, knowing that somebody cared, that there was always someone to look to, to lean on.

You might not know it, but men need assurance just as much as women do. In fact, in this context, men could very well be the 'weaker sex' as compared to women. You have no idea how weak we can become when under this influence. We submit to manipulation, we succumb to the stomach churning sensations that keep haunting us every waking moment, we become, in a way, blind. We try so hard to be nice, just to see the happiness in their eyes. Sometimes too hard. And every single time, we believe it's worth it. We revel in the very belief that every sacrifice we make just to please them is as honourable as it is the right thing to do. It's a conviction we will never cease to have. It could be our strength as much as it could become our own downfall.

Most importantly though...in it we can find our strength. It would become, irrevocably, our fortification. It accentuates our confidence, and implants in us emotions all human beings are born to feel, but never had since birth.

It isn't uncommon to have a man say this to a woman :

You complete me.

Yes...they do.

And so I came to believe that for all of my life I had lived has but half a person, struggling unknowingly against time and environment, under a myriad circumstances, the shades of each differing immeasurably. Half a person, until I found something to complete me, to make me feel alive, to give me the strength to fight all battles. And that completion was bliss. It was an overwhelming inflow of unconditional serenity and security. It gave me hope; something I don't find easily, simply because I learned that hope is what makes us vulnerable. But I didn't mind hoping in this case. It's never a crime to dream...it only comes back to haunt you as a frightening nightmare when hope starts to backfire.

And so I was complete...albeit for a while. I can now say that I've been able to experience that feeling; another 'what if' in life answered, though perhaps only partially. It's funny how I remember the words I heard that night. It's not exact, though. I do have a fuzzy memory.

"I'm glad we got the answers to the questions we had, and if this doesn't work out, then I guess it's all I'm going to get."

Sounds...superficial, but understandable if you don't feel comfortable placing ownership on something you're not entirely confident of being able to keep.

The thing is...

That wasn't everything I was prepared to give.

It was...just the beginning.

"Is there anyone in particular you hate in this band?"

"No, not really. I guess it's kind of on a momentary basis for me. Like, when someone pisses me off, I dislike that person, but only for a short time. You could say my anger is short lived."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Anyway, being angry at a person isn't useful, either. I mean, face it. You're the one who has to keep maintaining that emotion. In the end, who loses out? You do. I don't believe in wasting my emotion on someone undeserving, even if it's a negative emotion. Hating a person means you care for the person. I don't have to care for a person I don't like. I mean, you'd feel worse if someone ignored you rather than hated you, right?"

"I guess so."

It's not always when emotions can be used on a directory basis. But over the years I've come to realize I don't need to direct my emotion at a person if I don't feel that person deserves my attention. It's tiring and pretty much pointless. Honestly, the best way anyone I care about could mentally torture me would be to ignore me completely. I'd actually feel better if that person didn't feel good towards me, though good is always better. That way, at least I know that person still cares about me enough to feel something toward me.

If a person tells you "I hate you!" she (I won't use 'he' here because in my context it seems gay.) actually feels deep inside, probably subconsciously, that she could like and care for you if you didn't have to be so loathsome. You've got to be doing something wrong if she feels that hostile toward you. But at least you know she bothers to make that extremely subtle connection so that you might actually do something to make yourself seem less detestable in her eyes.

Enough.

We passed by Suntec and the Bugis area in the bus on our way to the Esplanade. haha, I couldn't help but feel all choked up inside, distracted suddenly from my reading when I noticed the familiarity of the surroundings settling around me. Ah, these streets. memories that are perfect, and yet, in pain.

Beautiful Sunday was great; Yusri managed to whip the crowd into a shameless albeit extremely lifting frenzy of mass freestyle dancing as we played through Dancin' Megahits, our second encore piece. The crowd was made up mostly of middle aged people, and some aunties were dancing really comically! I noticed an older man waving his arms rhythmically in the air, clearly enjoying himself. They all were.

I noticed a few PYians there, khairi one of them, and Amirrul with some other alumni at the back. Initially I didn't believe that they were there; I stared at them with the constant thought in my mind "that guy...isn't waving to me...right?" But I acknowledged anyway with a wave and a couple of smiles.

It's always very pleasing and spiritually lifting to see your audience genuinely enjoying the music you're playing. I always feel so honoured to be able to impart such joy to people by contributing. It doesn't matter what you play. Ultimately, you still play a part in the big picture. And almost always, it's the big picture that really counts.

I had to face the one problem I've always had during concerts, though. Stagefright. Shaking hands aren't good for a percussionist. Suffering from a recent string of tremors (involuntary shaking of the hands due to mental stress or something like that, as the doctor said) didn't help either. I was shaking like a leaf. I wonder, after years of public performances, how I can still be like this today. It's...discouraging and disturbing. Fortunately it didn't really affect my performance today, though I feel, from every concert I've performed for, that it always has. I always feel as if I hadn't given my 100% during the performance, much less the 110% I always strive to give. Maybe I'm just not as confident as I think I am or make myself out to be.

On off tmr; going to go for lunch with mum. I really miss her! She's going overseas soon, so I think I'd better make the best out of my time by spending as much of it as possible with her before she leaves, that is, if she has the time for me. haha.Somehow I always feel I'm taking up too much of peoples' time. I always feel undeserving in a way. I'm going to miss her so very much while she's away. Sure, we don't meet up much even when she's around, and there's always MSN, but it's just not the same, you know?

I'm still at a loss as to how I'm supposed to direct my emotion. Ironic, considering the fact that I claimed earlier that emotions cannot be directed. It's just that I don't really know how to feel, or more specifically, how I am supposed to feel. Sure, there's no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart, but doing the right thing is always better for yourself, and for your soul. Maybe better for others too.

Is it really so hard to want to feel okay, even though you're always all choked up inside? Is everything going to go back to normal when you think you've changed? How do you deal with things you cannot anticipate? So many questions with answers I cannot seem to be able to find on my own.

As time goes by and emotions start to fade
The heart and soul converge again and new ones are made
But in my entire existence, even with an eternity of time
This wistful spirit remains...because the memories never die.

Went for PY orientation this morning. As usual, CY made me wait, and this time it was for half an hour at the bus stop near his place. Yeah, yeah, you slept at 3am. Big deal. We cabbed there anyway; I made him pay. He was the one who suggested cabbing anyway.

There are just so few sec1s this year! Only about around 200; which, technically, averages out to only about 10 per CCA. Imagine, having only give 40-student classes for an entire level. The orientation was boring at best; aside from the band performance in the hall, we weren't allowed to do anything at the booth, which meant no playing of instruments at all. Zack and I had real itchy hands but they weren't going to be satisfied, sadly. It gets testy, being within 5 metres of a drumkit knowing you're not supposed to touch it. haha.

Strangely, I drew a few more-than-casual stares from quite a number of girls at the school. What, never seen a 19 year old in a polo tee before? =.=

Went for lunch and then went back to PY to help out a bit with the percussion; well, actually, I was only trying to brush up on a few basics with whatever was left of the section with Zack. Too many alumni, too few members, it seemed. They seem to be...a little zoned out. I don't feel the concentration and drive from them anymore. It's as if everything was starting, or had already become, a chore to do. Where's the voracious learning spirit I used to know? The insatiable hunger for self improvement and the zeal to keep moving forward; they don't breathe that aura anymore. Maybe it's just me, like it almost always is. I tend to read a little too much into things...perhaps too much for my own good.

I left at around 2:30 to meet my JC classmates to catch Red Cliff 2. Decided to walk to TM, but by the time I'd reached around the church area near Red Swastika, it was already 3pm, so I had to stop and take a bus instead. It was refreshing and calming; a walk accompanied by good music to hum and lip sync to. Yeah, I probably looked like a moron, but I don't care. How embarrassing could it possibly be to be lavishly enjoying a good song or two? CY thought I was crazy to have wanted to walk. I don't think it's crazy...

Well Red Cliff 2 was not bad! Thankfully it didn't end in a cliffhanger like the previous movie. Next up will be Ong Bak 2 and Valkyrie!

I finally got my birthday gift from them today; a white watch. I love it! I think I'm going to start wearing it from now on. I'd never really looked good with a watch on. Maybe that's going to change.

Got a new book after the movie, but not before going for dinner with CY at TM. We had that taiwan mee sua on the basement level. Anyway, I managed to get my hands on another Steve Berry novel, The Charlemagne Pursuit. Looks very promising, and the first 20 pages have been gripping already. Maybe it's just because of the sense of familiarity and the fact that I know, for sure, that Steve was born to write conspiracies with an impeccable flair. I aim to finish this book within the week so I can get another! This one set me back $35, but I don't feel the pinch. Always willing to invest in a good read, and a good escape from the boring existence that is my life.

Alright! Gonna take a bath now and get back to reading. Cya guys.

It's a Friday night. hm...

It's been a day of unexpected relapse. Damn, I realize there's more music I should be avoiding! What a shame; I really liked one of them. Some of my demons; I'm just not prepared to stare in the eye.

Apparently today while I was just playing some random stuff on the drums my friend told me I was doing something called "displacing", or as he explained, playing a regular groove while starting the first beat of the groove half a beat earlier after each bar. I didn't really understand what that meant. haha. I was actually just messing around with the time signatures. Its fun, messing around with tempo and time. Makes people feel you're screwing up but you're not!

Maybe its just me; I like to mess with peoples' heads. haha. I almost made Daniel believe he would sign extra for signing in on the wrong page on the book in book today. He would've left the room thinking he was in deep shit if I didn't tell him I was kidding. I guess he's one more person to realize I'm a better liar than I seem to be. Don't be getting the wrong idea; I only use that ability to mess with people. I don't like lying, because I hate to be lied to. Anyway, lying makes me feel all choked up inside. Not a pretty emotion.

Got my esplanade pass for this Sunday's concert. Just another concert to me...I don't find anything particularly interesting about this one. It's not surprising I realized that on the actual day I'd still be sight reading a piece or two. haha. And no, that's not supposed to be a good thing.

I really regret getting The Rose Labyrinth. It's so verbose and deep that it's been really hard for me to imagine what's actually taking place in the story. Verbose. That sounds familiar. Hey, I can't be that bad...can I? I should've just controlled my urge and waited till I could get my hands on another Steve Berry novel. Or The Seven Ancient Wonders by Matthew Reilly. Maybe I should just put The Rose Labyrinth aside and try looking for something else this weekend.

Today's mood has been...rather wistful.

This is Waiting Game by Yellowcard.



You and me
A little different
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves
And when it changes it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this depth
Wait for the light to come
And take away these images I kept
In my head

Chorus

More than ever
I need to feel you
More than ever
I see the real you

You are me
Our worst disaster would be waking up alone
Now we're free
We're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silence here
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know

More than ever
I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever
I see the real you
And it surrounds

Everything, everything
We have had
Out of sight out of mind
Given that
What I see when I dream
Hurts like hell and back
X2

Chorus

Sometimes I just can't understand the irony. When my bedtime was set at 10:30pm in the past I always found myself wide awake past that time. I never seemed to be able to fall asleep when my head touched the pillow, with me curling up in that familiar position wrapping myself up in the comforter as if in a cocoon. It was frustrating. The feeling of sleeplessness.

And now when I have the liberty of sleeping pretty much any time I want, I start to feel tired from around 9pm onwards. what the lame? My body tells me I need to go to sleep, yet something always manages to wrestle the urge to lie down and have myself spirited away to some distant recess at the back of my head to delve into the dreams I see so often and those I've never seen before; the ones I could either cherish or fear.

Sleep has become nothing more to me than a futile and yet welcome means of escapism. Funny, because I remember mentioning repeatedly to my friends back in secondary school and JC days; and I quote, albeit quite fuzzily,

"The only thing I look forward to everyday is sleep. It's the one time I don't need to worry about anything!"

This is true, actually! It's undeniable that we lose the ability to coherently, or should I say willingly and ably, reason with whatever sprouts up in front of us in the lawless realms that make up our dreams. Even when we dream nightmares I feel it's almost always up to luck to decide whether we snap awake or continue to writhe helplessly at the mercy of our own sometimes morbid imaginations. Perhaps the imagination running wild that results in the spawning of such torture. Daily events, coupled with concerted thought and a rather creative (creativity has become a double edged sword to me as of today.) imagination can conjure up images we might consider happy or frightening.

The worrying, as I imagine, comes after waking up. Personally, I haven't had much luck in trying to recall what I'd dreamt over the past few nights. So far the two most striking emotions I find myself experiencing (in the past) are :

1. An uncomfortable yet strangely pleasing churning of the stomach figuratively resembling the feeling of having a rather excited group of butterflies darting about inside, and

2. Goosebumps accompanied by a wrenching ache in the left side of the chest, mind in a whirl, perhaps slight perspiration.

Over the past few days I've come to notice that it wasn't sleeping that was difficult. It was waking up!

Strange, how I don't feel in the least bit rested even after a good night's sleep. Of course, I would hardly consider 7-8 hours of sleep a 'good night's worth', taking into account the fact that on lazy day I would wake up after accumulating around 12 hours of sleep. But then again, 7-8 hours is more than enough, actually. We all have to step out of our comfort zones sooner or later. 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and still tired? One would expect to feel refreshed and energized after a good dose of shut eye.

Ah, now even the escape I look forward to every night when I shut off the lights and clamber into bed seems slightly distasteful. It's almost certainly unnerving.

Finished The Six Sacred Stones this morning at work; great action, suspense and accompanied by a decent dose of humour too. Good book. The only thing that pissed me off was that it ended in a frickin cliffhanger! Damn it, I was reading this morning when I realized that there were only 20 or so pages left till the end of the book, and from what I'd acquired, the story wasn't even half over yet! The dread then set in making me realize I'd have to wait for the next book to be out before I could finish the story.

Got a new book today, The Rose Labyrinth by Titania Hardie. Some conspiracy again. Don't really know what it's about...but for some reason I'm itching to read more Steve Berry. Damn, I should've controlled my urge to get a new book today and waited till I went to somewhere more decent to get a good book, like Borders or Kino as opposed to the pathetic excuse for a range of books Popular has to offer.

Met CY at Yishun to bus home together. Ddin't talk to him much on the bus; I was being all moody again. It's like some kind of disease that hurts when it feels like it. haha. hm. Damn, if I'd gone home alone I would've reached 45 minutes earlier. But what the heck, I wouldn't have much to do at home anyway. Having finished watching the 3rd season of Heroes, I must admit I'm feeling a little lost. Now I'm going to have to find something to entertain myself with every night.

It's getting on my nerves, not having anything in particular to look forward to every day and night. I used to be perky about going home everyday; I'd have something to do, people to talk to. It's kinda different now. haha. Oh well. Things change. There're only a couple of things here and there I'm looking forward to these days. Not much encouragement and even less incentive to hope. It's hope that keeps us alive, isn't it? It's probably what allows us to retain our humanity.

I've been experiencing it for years, but it still gets all weird when I realize chinese people talk to me in chinese and malay people talk to me in malay. Thank god the indians still speak english. Do I really look that chinese? You know, that could actually be a compliment. But honestly, I think the brown skin more than speaks for itself. Frankly I don't think I could tell if someone was mix-blooded unless the features were striking enough.

You know, I really can't wait to go back to school. No, it doesn't mean I can't wait to ORD, but I suppose since they're related in a way, well, alright I can't wait to ORD. It's not like I hate the life here; in fact, I pretty much like it. Still looking forward to Italy in July. Anyway, about school, I think I'd be leading a much more productive life studying instead of whatever I'm doing now. Life seems pretty pointless in this period. It's like being in a dull void; you feel irrevocably stupified and at the same time, the best way to describe your zest for life would probably be...limp. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to survive life in Uni without the faintest idea about projects, presentations and the like. I guess I'm more of a structured kind of person when it comes to academics, and I don't really know what the even means to me.

Going back to school takes another load off my mind; social stigma. That is, if you know what I mean. Being back in a civilian context leaves people with less material to judge and much less incentive to make you feel like crap. Or rather, I make myself feel inferior. I don't need this, neither do I want any of it.

I broke, and nope, I didn't breakeven.

Another boring day; no full band, no nothing. Just my book, drumming to a few songs in my psp and a run this morning. Ran around 4km today. Surprising thing was that I didn't really feel tired. I guess having someone to talk to during a run really helps a lot. Well it does for me. Its ironic how disrupting my breathing through talking actually was a boon instead of a bane. Hey, 4km isn't a lot, I know. But I'm not from OCS or something; I don't eat 10km runs for breakfast. Considering the fact that the last time I ran was during my last IPPT, I think today was quite a good run for me.

I was just watching tv just now when I noticed a bubble drift through my door and wafted around in front of the tv before settling down onto the table and popping. Strange. I haven't had a weird surprise like this for a long time. Hm. I like surprises.

Breakeven by The Script has become my favourite song to drum to; I can really feel the groove. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. Since back then about 2 months ago, when my drumming was, well, to me, better than ever.

Hm.

Helping people to help yourself. Saving people in the course of seeking your own salvation. Ending someone else' suffering to end yours.

Helping yourself at the expense of others. Saving yourself and leaving the rest. Ending your own suffering while watching the other die away.

Hm.

One can find no happiness in being completely selfless, nor in being completely selfish.

Duality would claim that there has to be a balance in everything, and in being selfless there is always a little selfishness, and vice versa.

Humans are born selfish. It's a universal, innate survival instinct that lives not only within us, but within almost all other species of life on the known planet. Our will to survive can sometimes drive us to do impossible things, or rather, things we would consider impossible until that moment in time arrives. The immense desire to preserve ourselves can be both a curse and a gift; depending on how we tap on that strength. The instinct of survival can give us fortitude, it can strip us of all morality; it can change us.

Selfish acts of humankind are everywhere. Education. Homicide. War. Oppression. Genocide. Medicine. Love.

I suppose selflessness and selfishness are also linked in a way. Think about it this way. It's the same concept as survival. One survives at the expense of another. There is no such thing as being totally selfless or selfish. There's a little of each other in both.

When you give, you lose. Don't give me that 'in giving we gain happiness' crap. Let's think about it on the basis of absolute practicality. When you give someone something, you have to lose it. Sure, you feel that warm fuzzy feeling inside when you give someone something; when you feel the joy emanating from that person. That's called reward. We do appreciate that. In fact, we've come to appreciate it so much since the beginning of time that we've formed the universal truth - that in giving, we do gain happiness. Being rewarded doesn't mean you haven't lost anything.

And I'm not just talking about tangible things, like money or some item. Even in love. When you give your love to someone, there's less of it to give to other people around you. Think about it. Can you confidently say that you are capable of showing everyone exactly the same amount of love as everyone else?

As much as we're born selfish, we're also born biased. It's human nature. But, as always, as human beings, we have a choice. There is always a choice. Bias, in this case, is something that can be controlled. Because bias is a choice. Don't tell me you can control love? Or hate, for that matter? Sure, we can forgive. We can let go; forget. Does it really erase all of the hate you once had?

Can we really be totally selfless or selfish?

Selflessness is a perception.

We look at Mother Teresa and can honestly, sincerely say that she was a person who was selfless beyond description, and no honor high enough could be bestowed upon her. I totally agree. The world needs more people like her.

But putting people ahead of you every single time, missing out on opportunities, on things you could have done...doing these things lets life pass you by, leaving you without the happiness you could have derived from them.

Then again, there is one thing I know for sure. The world isn't based on absolute practicality. In every single one of us who understands the importance and significance of love, kindness, and the peace that is a pure heart and soul...

It's always better to be selfish to yourself than to someone else. For in the happiness of others, we, those who have good hearts, may find our salvation.

"I promise."

I've heard this one wayyyy too many times on Heroes. There seems to be at least one mention of it in every single episode.

So many promises, but how many are actually kept? I'm sure all of you have made empty promises before, as have I.

When you make a promise to someone, there's a mutual exchange of trust involved. I don't know how anyone else may have felt during this exchange, but every time I make a promise I feel a subtle sense of solemnity and humility.

To be able to receive the honour and faith in the form of someone's trust is almost always humbling. Unless of course, you don't mean your promise, even though the trust that's handed over to you is sincere and firm. It has to work both ways, as does everything else in the known world. Sigh, it's the duality of life again. I should be a Taoist. The taijitu is starting to make sense.

Trust is a gift as much as it is a responsibility. There is hardly a sin greater than the betrayal of trust...Think about it. Cheating (as in dishonesty, or adultery, or whatever broad spectrum it entails), murder, blasphemy...it's all betrayal of trust. To your teachers and friends. Your parents. Your spouse/partner. The people who could never have believed you would turn to killing, to those who believed you would never speak ill of your religion.

To be honest, before today, I'd never really thought about how everything in life could be linked to trust.

Is there any greater possible bestowment a person could place in another? Love, perhaps? Oh, that's trust. Trust that you won't betray that love and will cherish it with all your heart. What else? Forgiveness? Hey, that's trust too. The person trusts that you won't repeat your mistakes, right?

Hm. Trust.

It's...fragile. Trust is hard to give, but it's even harder to keep. People give you the one thing that's hardest to part with; a piece of their heart, some sliver of the blueprint of their soul, and expect you to guard it with whatever conscience, integrity and honour you have within yourself. Imagine the immense weight of this endeavour.

“Loving honesty builds one up, bitter honesty makes one strong, whereas secrets, even those kept with good intent, are death to the fragile flower of TRUST.”

What happens if you had betrayed someone's trust?

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

And what happens when trust gets inconspicuously linked to hope? (I particularly like this one)

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”

And for those who've found that they cannot trust anyone anymore for fear of being hurt...

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"

And this is from myself...

Trust might be a fallacy
Trust can be a vulnerability
And yet, trust can be your strength, passion and life.
Decide quickly, or your life will pass you by.
But first, you have to trust yourself.

P.S. hey atiqz, this is a whole lot better than just 'hm.', huh?

hm.

Here's a part of my conversation with atiqz and me just now :

Atiqsss says:
and oh someone asked me tdy too if im religious
Atiqsss says:
haha
khairulzzz says:
HAHA
khairulzzz says:
AND? what did you say
Atiqsss says:
haha what do u think i would have said
khairulzzz says:
"i don't leave home without a tudung and if I miss a single prayer I make it up to God by redoing it five times everyday for 30 days"
khairulzzz says:
"and then i make it up to my parents by doing it 3 times every day after that for 30 days"
Atiqsss says:
ok lemme rephrase.. what do u think i said
khairulzzz says:
"and for anyone else who i think i'd disappointed with my sin I make it up by doing it 2 days every day after that for 15 days"
khairulzzz says:
ok fine
khairulzzz says:
simple.
khairulzzz says:
no
khairulzzz says:
haha
khairulzzz says:
or
khairulzzz says:
not really
khairulzzz says:
or
khairulzzz says:
"what?"
khairulzzz says:
which one's right?
Atiqsss says:
i said "no i'm not.. liberal in fact"
khairulzzz says:
close enough
khairulzzz says:
and?
Atiqsss says:
and he said okay haha

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Spent my Saturday in camp, wasting my time away in the bunk waiting for today to arrive. Fortunately I had 11 episodes of Heroes in my psp and a new book which served as my rather effective escapism for the day.

I've finished watching the first season of Heroes! Yeah I know, I'm wayyyy slow. But at least I'm working on it. I'm also almost halfway through my new book, The Six Sacred Stones. It's a little cheesy, and I have to admit the author's gone a little over the edge in terms of reality. Maybe it's not my ideal kind of conspiracy read, but I'll still finish it anyway. I think I'll either move back to Steve Berry or try something else the next time I set foot in Borders or Kino.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel...lonely yesterday. I usually get that feeling when I'm stuck in that building with just two others. I didn't really feel as empty as I used to, being in my bunk alone for the whole day and night. Sometimes I found myself standing and staring into space considering my predicament : "I'm alone but I don't feel lonely. hmmm." No, I'm not being dramatic. It's just that I'm not someone who's used to being alone. Well, maybe I was, but not anytime recently as I recall.

Sleep was difficult. I put down my book at around 10:30pm, turned off all the lights and tried to go to sleep, playing Crack The Shutters in my head over and over until I gave up and realized I needed to hear it for real, so I stuck my earpiece in and played it. Then I realized it was keeping me awake, so I tossed it aside, forced my eyes shut and silently prayed for sleep to whisk me away. It did, and the next thing I knew it was 5:51am. Went back to sleep again and woke up at 7:15. For the first time sleeping alone in my bunk I hadn't had paranoid thoughts about something coming to haunt me or give me some kind of heart stopping scare. I guess I just didn't have the capacity to think of such things anymore. haha.

I read a few quotes from my new book which I found particularly interesting...just thought I'd share.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

To see things in the seed, that is genius.

Health is the greatest possession,
Contentment the greatest treasure,
Confidence the greatest friend,
Non-being the greatest joy

There are three paths to wisdom : the first, by reflection, which is the noblest; the second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest.

While it can never never replace the real one, you can make a new family with your friends.

The greatest thing to fear, as always, is man himself.

These came from Heroes :

To save what is most important, one must be strong enough to cut out his own heart

Death is the one thing that connects us all. It reminds us that what's really important is who we've touched and how much we've given. It makes us realize that we have to be good to one another.

I think I'm going through some kind of identity crisis. haha. funny, eh? For the first time in my life I've actually felt the need to find myself and decide and believe who I really am. The fact that I've succumbed involuntarily and inevitably to change leads me to believe that I've almost or already become someone else, and it's important that I know who this person is, this new person I see in the mirror everyday, and adjust to what I've become before I can continue living this life.

Maybe I just need to find and do something I used to love in the past, in the 6 years of my absolute prime before I started living life in the fast lane, where everything started to move so quickly and sometimes inconspicuously that I'd never noticed the things I'd missed along the way. I know that it's impossible to go back. I've told someone that before and I meant it. I just need to find a way to understand this new shadow, the one I started casting only recently. It's difficult, not being able to go back, nor move forward. Being stuck. That's life I guess...people change, or are changed, by such circumstances as time and environment. I cannot be stuck in this position forever, or for long, for that matter.

But moving on or not, I know there's one thing that's not going to change. Not anytime soon.

Again with incomprehensible ambiguity.

In life there's always at least two ways to look at something and there are truths and lies in every one of them like in infinitely faceted gemstone riddled with impurities. Almost always, all or none of them could be true. This is one of the tricks of life. We have to decide for ourselves which of these we choose to believe in. Some people are content with the little truths, inconspicuous, sometimes inconsequential, boring. Others choose to be wrought with lies; the things they want to hear and see, that which makes them feel less human than they are (the lot of man is to suffer and die), and almost always, these lies are always present on the surface of things and its this very facade that blinds people from the realities which lay deep inside. Bah, what the hell am I blabbering about anyway. Forget it.

I went to macs at tampines mart with cy and qz after the gathering at edwin's place after what seemed like an awkward exit. very awkward. I can't say if I was paying any attention to what cy and qz were talking about on the way down the hill as we walked toward the place. Was too preoccupied with my thoughts, whatever they were, because I can't seem to be able to pinpoint the source of my incoherent, immeasurable and constantly convulsing worries. I fell behind as they walked ahead, chattering about things I didn't really hear.

I felt hugely hypocritical of myself, regretful and ashamed, to have expected to go there, mingle, laugh and have fun. At least smile. Well, I did. Not much. Instead I spent most of the time keeping to myself, staring at random points of the walls and ceiling, expressionless and quite surprisingly thoughtless. I felt very uncomfortable, extremely out of place like an alien set in the midst of human beings. It's strange, the way I managed so easily to effectively outcast myself from the crowd, to...'involuntarily yet willingly' avoid the simple pleasures that could have been derived from at least participating. A few times I felt claustrophobic, other times I felt this inexplicable disgust. My stomach turned frequently and the light hearted laughter that would have normally emanated from my lips in response to something genuinely funny was somehow trapped and stopped at my teeth. I was...soulless.

We talked about things, the three of us. I came to realize a few truths I'd never seen before. Surprising, considering the fact that I thought I'd already identified almost everything I should have and needed to know. I never knew they were capable of such wisdom. That was my fault. This is what happens when you neglect your best friends in favour of quite possibly everything and everyone else. There was one particular notion which caught my attention. I'd never felt so...enraged all this while. It's been quite some time since I'd felt my cheeks go taut, my eyebrows cringed into a brutal stance, nostrils flared, breathing deepened and prolonged, and my teeth gnashing inside. I'd almost decided to rip the table off its stand.

So easy it is to judge people and say things that are quite possibly untrue just to fortify your own self esteem. Especially when you feel you didn't need them anymore; cast them aside like an old toy. Those words, and all those judgmental assumptions thrown forward; they're unforgivable.

Tell me something. Do you feel more like God now?

The coming of the New Year has taught me more about myself. I am :

Hypocritical
Emotional
Cold
Anti-Social
Shallow
Dependent
Conscience-less
Immature
Wrathful

And yet...I feel

Loving
Hopeful
Sensitive
Considerate
Sincere
Honest

But still, I cannot seem to escape the melancholy and this...infinite sadness.

The irony. Telling people that they should have fun while I end up passing myself off pretty well as a cold, anti-social person who can't seem to find the motivation or strength to open up. hmmm...strange, how I'm apparently turning into someone else. And I don't like it. Not one bit.

It's 3:17am in the morning and I'd decided to jot down my thoughts after a night well spent!

Went to countdown at marina square with swee khoon, sadil, jeremy and bryan today. We had dinner at Secret Recipe (well, me and sadil just had the marble cheesecake and strawberry yoghurt shakes, which were pretty good), and then hopped over to the arcade to entertain ourselves while waiting to join the impossibly huge crowd outside to watch the fireworks.

It was insufferably crowded today! Everywhere was a jostling mix of pretty girls, plain looking guys, and possibly everything else in between. Not many families out. I didn't think I'd have to squeeze and nudge this much this year. It was really annoying sometimes as much as it was refreshing and warming to be able to soak in the spirit of welcoming the new year. Yeah yeah, I might be being melodramatic, but I speak from the heart.

There was some kind of a 'one way pedestrian traffic' going on outside, in which police marshals only allowed movement of the crowd in one direction; from the esplanade to the marina bay floating platform. We got held up at one junction while trying to go the opposite way to get to the open space outside marina square, so we had to duck behind some bushes and hightail around them to get to the other side. Spotted a green lamborghini gallardo roadster parked in front of a hotel whose name I forgot! Damn, it was a beauty. But not as beautiful as what we saw next.

We found ourselves a spot outside a restaurant skirting the open area outside marina square, whose name I've also forgotten...beers in hand, waiting for the fireworks to start. And it was absolutely breathtaking. The blooms of light and muffled pops seemed to come out of nowhere and the finale was a stunning display, lighting up the entire sky in our immediate view. All that jostling and pushing was well worth enduring for the reward that was what we saw.

We headed back after that, stopping over at Starbucks at Raffles City for a short rest. I was dizzy and actually forcing myself to walk in a straight line. Apparently downing half a bottle of beer in one gulp wasn't such a good idea after such a long time of having a complacent liver. The crowd was still immense and immeasurable.

Sadil and I stopped at Bedok to walk home. Well, we walked to his place, then I cabbed from there. I wasn't prepared to walk the rest of the way alone. We actually contemplated walking all the way from marina, but decided that though it was tempting to have accomplished that as the first incredibly stupid thing to do of the year 2009, it was too stupid to go through with. haha. We talked about relationships and stuff, just sharing.

That just about wraps up today. I'm going to leave the rest of my New Year ranting for the morning (or afternoon, as I predict I'll awaken) because any more I say is just going to make my post look verbose again.

Happy New Year, people.