"Is there anyone in particular you hate in this band?"
"No, not really. I guess it's kind of on a momentary basis for me. Like, when someone pisses me off, I dislike that person, but only for a short time. You could say my anger is short lived."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Anyway, being angry at a person isn't useful, either. I mean, face it. You're the one who has to keep maintaining that emotion. In the end, who loses out? You do. I don't believe in wasting my emotion on someone undeserving, even if it's a negative emotion. Hating a person means you care for the person. I don't have to care for a person I don't like. I mean, you'd feel worse if someone ignored you rather than hated you, right?"
"I guess so."
It's not always when emotions can be used on a directory basis. But over the years I've come to realize I don't need to direct my emotion at a person if I don't feel that person deserves my attention. It's tiring and pretty much pointless. Honestly, the best way anyone I care about could mentally torture me would be to ignore me completely. I'd actually feel better if that person didn't feel good towards me, though good is always better. That way, at least I know that person still cares about me enough to feel something toward me.
If a person tells you "I hate you!" she (I won't use 'he' here because in my context it seems gay.) actually feels deep inside, probably subconsciously, that she could like and care for you if you didn't have to be so loathsome. You've got to be doing something wrong if she feels that hostile toward you. But at least you know she bothers to make that extremely subtle connection so that you might actually do something to make yourself seem less detestable in her eyes.
Enough.
We passed by Suntec and the Bugis area in the bus on our way to the Esplanade. haha, I couldn't help but feel all choked up inside, distracted suddenly from my reading when I noticed the familiarity of the surroundings settling around me. Ah, these streets. memories that are perfect, and yet, in pain.
Beautiful Sunday was great; Yusri managed to whip the crowd into a shameless albeit extremely lifting frenzy of mass freestyle dancing as we played through Dancin' Megahits, our second encore piece. The crowd was made up mostly of middle aged people, and some aunties were dancing really comically! I noticed an older man waving his arms rhythmically in the air, clearly enjoying himself. They all were.
I noticed a few PYians there, khairi one of them, and Amirrul with some other alumni at the back. Initially I didn't believe that they were there; I stared at them with the constant thought in my mind "that guy...isn't waving to me...right?" But I acknowledged anyway with a wave and a couple of smiles.
It's always very pleasing and spiritually lifting to see your audience genuinely enjoying the music you're playing. I always feel so honoured to be able to impart such joy to people by contributing. It doesn't matter what you play. Ultimately, you still play a part in the big picture. And almost always, it's the big picture that really counts.
I had to face the one problem I've always had during concerts, though. Stagefright. Shaking hands aren't good for a percussionist. Suffering from a recent string of tremors (involuntary shaking of the hands due to mental stress or something like that, as the doctor said) didn't help either. I was shaking like a leaf. I wonder, after years of public performances, how I can still be like this today. It's...discouraging and disturbing. Fortunately it didn't really affect my performance today, though I feel, from every concert I've performed for, that it always has. I always feel as if I hadn't given my 100% during the performance, much less the 110% I always strive to give. Maybe I'm just not as confident as I think I am or make myself out to be.
On off tmr; going to go for lunch with mum. I really miss her! She's going overseas soon, so I think I'd better make the best out of my time by spending as much of it as possible with her before she leaves, that is, if she has the time for me. haha.Somehow I always feel I'm taking up too much of peoples' time. I always feel undeserving in a way. I'm going to miss her so very much while she's away. Sure, we don't meet up much even when she's around, and there's always MSN, but it's just not the same, you know?
I'm still at a loss as to how I'm supposed to direct my emotion. Ironic, considering the fact that I claimed earlier that emotions cannot be directed. It's just that I don't really know how to feel, or more specifically, how I am supposed to feel. Sure, there's no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart, but doing the right thing is always better for yourself, and for your soul. Maybe better for others too.
Is it really so hard to want to feel okay, even though you're always all choked up inside? Is everything going to go back to normal when you think you've changed? How do you deal with things you cannot anticipate? So many questions with answers I cannot seem to be able to find on my own.
As time goes by and emotions start to fade
The heart and soul converge again and new ones are made
But in my entire existence, even with an eternity of time
This wistful spirit remains...because the memories never die.
"No, not really. I guess it's kind of on a momentary basis for me. Like, when someone pisses me off, I dislike that person, but only for a short time. You could say my anger is short lived."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Anyway, being angry at a person isn't useful, either. I mean, face it. You're the one who has to keep maintaining that emotion. In the end, who loses out? You do. I don't believe in wasting my emotion on someone undeserving, even if it's a negative emotion. Hating a person means you care for the person. I don't have to care for a person I don't like. I mean, you'd feel worse if someone ignored you rather than hated you, right?"
"I guess so."
It's not always when emotions can be used on a directory basis. But over the years I've come to realize I don't need to direct my emotion at a person if I don't feel that person deserves my attention. It's tiring and pretty much pointless. Honestly, the best way anyone I care about could mentally torture me would be to ignore me completely. I'd actually feel better if that person didn't feel good towards me, though good is always better. That way, at least I know that person still cares about me enough to feel something toward me.
If a person tells you "I hate you!" she (I won't use 'he' here because in my context it seems gay.) actually feels deep inside, probably subconsciously, that she could like and care for you if you didn't have to be so loathsome. You've got to be doing something wrong if she feels that hostile toward you. But at least you know she bothers to make that extremely subtle connection so that you might actually do something to make yourself seem less detestable in her eyes.
Enough.
We passed by Suntec and the Bugis area in the bus on our way to the Esplanade. haha, I couldn't help but feel all choked up inside, distracted suddenly from my reading when I noticed the familiarity of the surroundings settling around me. Ah, these streets. memories that are perfect, and yet, in pain.
Beautiful Sunday was great; Yusri managed to whip the crowd into a shameless albeit extremely lifting frenzy of mass freestyle dancing as we played through Dancin' Megahits, our second encore piece. The crowd was made up mostly of middle aged people, and some aunties were dancing really comically! I noticed an older man waving his arms rhythmically in the air, clearly enjoying himself. They all were.
I noticed a few PYians there, khairi one of them, and Amirrul with some other alumni at the back. Initially I didn't believe that they were there; I stared at them with the constant thought in my mind "that guy...isn't waving to me...right?" But I acknowledged anyway with a wave and a couple of smiles.
It's always very pleasing and spiritually lifting to see your audience genuinely enjoying the music you're playing. I always feel so honoured to be able to impart such joy to people by contributing. It doesn't matter what you play. Ultimately, you still play a part in the big picture. And almost always, it's the big picture that really counts.
I had to face the one problem I've always had during concerts, though. Stagefright. Shaking hands aren't good for a percussionist. Suffering from a recent string of tremors (involuntary shaking of the hands due to mental stress or something like that, as the doctor said) didn't help either. I was shaking like a leaf. I wonder, after years of public performances, how I can still be like this today. It's...discouraging and disturbing. Fortunately it didn't really affect my performance today, though I feel, from every concert I've performed for, that it always has. I always feel as if I hadn't given my 100% during the performance, much less the 110% I always strive to give. Maybe I'm just not as confident as I think I am or make myself out to be.
On off tmr; going to go for lunch with mum. I really miss her! She's going overseas soon, so I think I'd better make the best out of my time by spending as much of it as possible with her before she leaves, that is, if she has the time for me. haha.Somehow I always feel I'm taking up too much of peoples' time. I always feel undeserving in a way. I'm going to miss her so very much while she's away. Sure, we don't meet up much even when she's around, and there's always MSN, but it's just not the same, you know?
I'm still at a loss as to how I'm supposed to direct my emotion. Ironic, considering the fact that I claimed earlier that emotions cannot be directed. It's just that I don't really know how to feel, or more specifically, how I am supposed to feel. Sure, there's no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart, but doing the right thing is always better for yourself, and for your soul. Maybe better for others too.
Is it really so hard to want to feel okay, even though you're always all choked up inside? Is everything going to go back to normal when you think you've changed? How do you deal with things you cannot anticipate? So many questions with answers I cannot seem to be able to find on my own.
As time goes by and emotions start to fade
The heart and soul converge again and new ones are made
But in my entire existence, even with an eternity of time
This wistful spirit remains...because the memories never die.
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