Again with incomprehensible ambiguity.

In life there's always at least two ways to look at something and there are truths and lies in every one of them like in infinitely faceted gemstone riddled with impurities. Almost always, all or none of them could be true. This is one of the tricks of life. We have to decide for ourselves which of these we choose to believe in. Some people are content with the little truths, inconspicuous, sometimes inconsequential, boring. Others choose to be wrought with lies; the things they want to hear and see, that which makes them feel less human than they are (the lot of man is to suffer and die), and almost always, these lies are always present on the surface of things and its this very facade that blinds people from the realities which lay deep inside. Bah, what the hell am I blabbering about anyway. Forget it.

I went to macs at tampines mart with cy and qz after the gathering at edwin's place after what seemed like an awkward exit. very awkward. I can't say if I was paying any attention to what cy and qz were talking about on the way down the hill as we walked toward the place. Was too preoccupied with my thoughts, whatever they were, because I can't seem to be able to pinpoint the source of my incoherent, immeasurable and constantly convulsing worries. I fell behind as they walked ahead, chattering about things I didn't really hear.

I felt hugely hypocritical of myself, regretful and ashamed, to have expected to go there, mingle, laugh and have fun. At least smile. Well, I did. Not much. Instead I spent most of the time keeping to myself, staring at random points of the walls and ceiling, expressionless and quite surprisingly thoughtless. I felt very uncomfortable, extremely out of place like an alien set in the midst of human beings. It's strange, the way I managed so easily to effectively outcast myself from the crowd, to...'involuntarily yet willingly' avoid the simple pleasures that could have been derived from at least participating. A few times I felt claustrophobic, other times I felt this inexplicable disgust. My stomach turned frequently and the light hearted laughter that would have normally emanated from my lips in response to something genuinely funny was somehow trapped and stopped at my teeth. I was...soulless.

We talked about things, the three of us. I came to realize a few truths I'd never seen before. Surprising, considering the fact that I thought I'd already identified almost everything I should have and needed to know. I never knew they were capable of such wisdom. That was my fault. This is what happens when you neglect your best friends in favour of quite possibly everything and everyone else. There was one particular notion which caught my attention. I'd never felt so...enraged all this while. It's been quite some time since I'd felt my cheeks go taut, my eyebrows cringed into a brutal stance, nostrils flared, breathing deepened and prolonged, and my teeth gnashing inside. I'd almost decided to rip the table off its stand.

So easy it is to judge people and say things that are quite possibly untrue just to fortify your own self esteem. Especially when you feel you didn't need them anymore; cast them aside like an old toy. Those words, and all those judgmental assumptions thrown forward; they're unforgivable.

Tell me something. Do you feel more like God now?

The coming of the New Year has taught me more about myself. I am :

Hypocritical
Emotional
Cold
Anti-Social
Shallow
Dependent
Conscience-less
Immature
Wrathful

And yet...I feel

Loving
Hopeful
Sensitive
Considerate
Sincere
Honest

But still, I cannot seem to escape the melancholy and this...infinite sadness.