Once again, I'm blogging from school...two period of computing class (the whole class crashed it cuz nobody wanted to go for chem lecture...) I've been skipping chem lecture for dunno how long...I doubt I'll miss much anyway. What they're doin...learn back in secondary school liao.

I've just learnt a weird indian accent from an indian friend...

"This is fantaaaastic"

LOL. it sounds damn funny lah. you have to hear it yourself...haha. remind me to say it okay.

Eh...nothing to type leh. -_______-"...ok la, thanks estee for givin me ur email add...now I can extend my contact list...see u online =D

I have just realized how un-romantic singaporeans are. Damn, I'm one of them. duh...not ready yet. can tell ba. back to the drawing board.

I'm back from playin mahjong at my aunt's place...I stink of damn cigarette smoke...my uncles la. keep smokin in the room, air con, door closed. What do you expect? Damn, sometimes they're like freakin chimneys man...sian. passive smoking kills! but boredom without mahjong is worse! HAHA!

Bleah, just attempted a 30minute pursuit on NFS most wanted...I frickin got busted at 25:50. PRESS ESCAPE, QUIT GAME. -_________-" sometimes I wonder why I'm like this lol. everything seems to be going fine when...poof! you find yourself surrounded by some lousy corvettes and SUVs who refuse to budge...fine! I'll get your asses next time...I'LL FLIP EVERY FRICKIN ONE OF YOU! your mums and dads will laugh at your cars spinning in the air whilst they watch the pursuit back home on tv...

"We now bring to you live, where a lamborghini and a fleet of police vehicles are in a high speed pursuit"

Damn, I'm getting damn lame...ok forget it. Back to reality.

I just remembered an interesting sight in the band room from a few days back...six letters made out of plastic cardboard arranged on the message board at the back...

"L O S E R S"

Followed by a list of around 30 band members...the problematic ones...the egoistic ones, well, put simply, the fuckers. lol. hai, if they weren't ready to commit, they might as well dun join band right? band is a damn demanding CCA...and YOU...are not prepared to accept what we dish out every practice...you're too weak and pampered...you're too lazy...you're too much of an asshole! want quit ah...not so easy man. You just wait and see...what you've become. I just hope there are no more additions to the fucker list. better not.

And...as always...there's school tomorrow...damn the weekend passes by quickly when you're busy. I hope I get into MJ man...most probably Friday will know liao. oh well. all I can do is hope.

see ya.

Disrespect, self superiority, egoism...all results of INDIVIDUALITY.

they're coming for band not as sections, but as individuals.

Furthermore, they're supposed to come as a band, not as sections.

So, they're kinda at the bottom right now.

Not the right place to be two months before the competition.

Where is the UNITY that kept the last batch together? kept them strong, kept them going all the way. the UNITY that conditioned their minds, that strengthened their spirit, that solidified their will, that boosted their confidence, that focused their concentration, that worked, strained, pulled every muscle in their body to the max. all the time. 9 to 5. alternate days. 3 days a week. four weeks a month, 12 months a year.

And the competition came. That same UNITY stood strong. we stood strong. against all odds, we made a name for ourselves as one Titans Military Band. we rose up, others feared and respected us, but we made our glory short termed. yes. SHORT TERM GLORY, LONG TERM DEDICATION. dedicated to our music and marching. dedicated to get things DONE, not halfway.

And it is this name we made that is threatened by what the band attitude is today. dun say juniors. some seniors. after their first outdoor. what happened? became proud, became so damn fucking overconfident. can slack. can relax. no need to work hard, no need to motivate others, no need to always find ways to improve themselves. no need at all. sure get gold.

"we got it before, we will get it again". they think this way.

no. you CAN get it again. but you will not if you continue being this way.

The gold is up there. you aren't tall enough. what do you do?

YOU REACH.

how do you reach? when you reach up high, you feel the strain in you arm, your neck as your eyes behold it all the way, you back as you arch upwards, your toes as you tiptoe, your fingers. eager to at least touch it.

strain in your arm : you TRAIN. you WORK. you PRACTICE.
strain in your neck, eyes fixed on goal : you KNOW what you WANT, you WANT it.
strain in you back : your steadfast stand, your solid determination, your perserverance.
strain in your toes : you stand ready for any challenge, to overcome them with passionate drive.

you fingers : music is at your very fingertips. Embrace it, enjoy it, love it, use it, exploit it.

What you were.......is in the past.

What you become.......is up to you.

Damn it, what kind of teacher am I man, I teach and teach and teach from 9:30am to 5.00pm and still no marked improvement in the sideline...I haven't conquered ANY of the songs in the repertoire yet...and there's still alot to go. God knows whether they can make it by April, or perhaps, only I know, if I ever try. Is there something wrong with me or my teaching that I just can't get the stuff into their damn thick skulls? Why can't they count, why can't they feel the rhythm, feel the song, why can't they concentrate WHY CAN'T THEY PERFORM!!!!

My fault, right? I do agree...no use reproaching myself over and over again...I spent a solid half hour outside the band room this afternoon figuring out a way to teach them...an effective and sure win way to get them to be able to play properly. No answer. No solution.

But I will not stand to see the sideline dropped right before the competition week or day. They've trained too much and too hard (I feel so.) and Shane, Syafiq and I have tried and worked too hard on them for them to be given up now. No matter what it takes, still have to try.

Anger, frustration...all these negative feelings towards teaching them...all figments of games my brain is trying to play with me...

This time, I'm not playing along.

Trying to compose Freedom and Justice on finale...I'm starting to wonder if this is even possible without professional guidance...like guidance from mr poh. lol. The chords seem fine...its just the nitty gritty details that, although small, add alot of feel and are very important to the song...and the transposition is driving me damn crazy. oh well. try, try, try again.

I'm beginning to doubt even my own purpose every now and then. Since I left band early today for tuition I've been thinking to myself :

Am I going for band just to see my friends, or am I there to help bring up my section, to guide and to teach?

This is indeed a very interesting question, because, truthfully, I'm unable to answer it myself. I'm starting to think that I'm contributing nothing to the band in terms of music and marching proficiency. I'm just a nobody standing by and watching, even though sometimes I step in and take charge, it always comes to nothing.

Is it that I've been so used to working with smart people; people who are fast, take initiative, go with the flow, never break the balance of music and tempo, that I've grown lazy to teach and guide who aren't?

What have I become?

Currently I'm in J212...a computer lab in TPJC. you all must be thinking, what the f***? you're blogging in school?!

Well, yes. And I'm right under my form teacher's nose right now amazingly he doesn't seem to mind at all. Seems JC life is all about choices, isn't it? A few friends and I decided to skip the chem lecture and come for my form teacher's computing class instead. And here I am...blogging...a friend of mine is sitting beside me playing sudoku on miniclip. LOL. I've also decided to leave school at 12:50 today along with a few others...school actually ends at 4.10 today but the last four periods are MTL double and Physics tutorial double...SIAN!!! I'm going home!

The past few days, can say have been very busy for me, working from morning to night (chen pei's been working even harder lah, haha. jia you kay.) Morning to afternoon school and band, night spent doing the marching percussion and sideline percussion scores for the repertoire...that means I skipped the 9pm show on channel 8 for the past few days!! That, to me, is a big sacrifice. I'm like, a 9pm drama sucker. haha...

Tomorrow I'm going badminton...looking forward to playin with farz and the others...I WILL NOT LOSE TO THE HOBBIT AGAIN! =))

Still got band this afternoon. And I don't know what to expect from the section...let's see, shall we?

Someone asked me this question a few days ago :

"What is the meaning of Freedom and Justice?"

At first I put it off as a childish thought about those Gundam things, but when I put some thought into it, I realized that there was actually some meaning to it after all. Let's see. This is a little something I wrote down out of inspiration during a break between classes.

What is Freedom & Justice? What is the meaning, the story, their purpose?

Freedom is the right of all mankind to do whatever they please at their comfort, it is a fine fabric with a very fragile threading which must be treated and handled very carefully. Acts of evil, greed and lust for example, evils that man have committed up to this day, strains this Freedom, pulling hard on the thin fabric of Freedom that gets us by everyday of our lives. It is this Freedom that all mankind needs to survive, or it would be no different than to be ruled with an iron fist, with no rights whatsoever. If Freedom is misused, misunderstood, if it is exploited by underhand means for personal gains, then chaos will break loose. And that is why we have Justice to enforce law and order on the people, to sufficiently restrict and restrain the use of Freedom, while not condemning and withdrawing the right of it.

Justice, on the other hand, in my view, is never fair. The law is sometimes blind, and most frustratingly and disappointingly, not everyone may think the same as you, and not everyone is as pure of heart as one may think. Justice may come by chance, it comes by predestiny; Justice cannot truly be served by man alone, because it is man who is unjust, it is man who is biased, unfair, untrustworthy. Man can be consumed by greed, suffer the fatal seduction of wealth and worldly possessions and other things that he may find beneficial to himself. Ultimately, it will be man who will be judged by God when he dies, who is, of course, the most Fair and Just. The true meaning of Justice lies above Earth, not on it. No man has the right to judge upon another; no man can tell what is truly right or wrong. Man can suffer the brunt of Justice, while others enforce it upon him. The truth is, Man cannot handle Justice.

Without Freedom, there will be no Justice. But without Justice, Freedom will run right out of control; the pure and complete right and extension of Freedom will destroy us all if not used carefully. Without Justice, Freedom will end the world all on its own; crime will be rife, wars will erupt, men, women and children will be sacrificed. The world will start from scratch, without Freedom and Justice to begin with, because it is these two which supposedly betrayed Man in the first place. The point is, Freedom cannot exist without Justice.

Freedom and Justice. What does it mean to you?

"I can play!"

"Yes you can play. So what? No X-factor."

What is this X-factor we speak of in music? Notes can be read and played, movements can be made, formations can be done, timing can be shouted. So what is this little extra thing that makes something go all the way, makes it different from any other, makes it ultimately the best?

The X-Factor present in you. It is the power of your passion for music, your drive for marching, your determination and resilience, your never say die spirit, your intense concentration, your fluid, precise, ballet-like movements. The intensity in your eyes, the roaring tiger trying to break free from the the binding of your heart and soul. Your built in creativity.

What else?

YOUR SWEAT, YOUR BLOOD, THE WAY YOU ROAR LIKE A TIGER WHEN YOU SHOUT YOUR TIMING, YOUR SHARP, FLEXIBLE, FLAMBOYANT MOVEMENTS, YOU WANT TO KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU JUST DROP DEAD!!

I can't tell you, but damn hell I can show you. Bring me back two years.

I will show you. We all will show you.

The wrath of the Titans. We roar in unison. We stand our ground against sun and rain. We suffer punishment with pride and revelance.

Roar with the Titans spirit.

Sleep was peaceful last night.

Grateful that I could find some relief in closing my eyes altogether.

My heart still aches.

I shouldn't have people look at me now as they did in the past. That's because I'd be lying to them through my skin, not my teeth.

Outside, I'm happy, cheery, loving, encouraging.

Inside, I'm a nervous wreck, World War III in my heart and mind, soon my soul.

Don't look at me now.

Crying will not solve the problem, though it helps sometimes.

I refuse to cry.

I'm glad she knows now.




It's time to move on.

How complicated is it for someone to follow his heart instead of his mind? When one tells him something and the other tells him another thing, one saying yes, the other, no. Confused.

Mind says infatuation, Heart says Love
Mind says study, Heart says Friends
Mind says confidence, Heart says Fear

I always follow my heart, I've been this way since who knows when. Even if my heart is nowhere near rational, far from logical and definitely not forgiving in the choices it gives, it still persists as a path for me to follow, whether good or bad.


Heart says Love.

And it all comes to this. Third in standard, straight A's, a great satisfaction for myself as well as my family. The victorious feeling lies not within getting good grades, but the ability to make my mum and my family happy and proud of what I have done, for a change. One of my relatives even cried. I'm happy for them as well as myself. It's better than always having them scold and chide me for doing all the wrong stuff at the wrong times. Finally I can hold my head high in my family and cease to be someone who is compared with another who is better, and become someone to be a role model for my cousins in the future. Of course, I'll always be down to earth when it comes to society. I never like reveling in glory. Once passed is passed, and it's time to move on to another great step in my education : the step to university. What comes after that? Time will tell.

Seriously, it's ridiculous how I managed to come up tops with such little time studying : less than around two hours everyday, or every two days even. I'm just faster, I guess. I study smart, not hard. It's just the way I am.

Oh yea, I need to give a special THANKS to my great friend FARZANA for studyin my combined humanities with me every other day, helping me to pick myself up everytime I see red crosses all over my answer sheet, helping me to answer the questions in the best way possible, always encouraging me!!! Thanks alot. Without you, I wouldn't score that well in something I truly disliked so much. THANK YOU!!!! =)

Can't help but blog today eh? Results will be out around 4 hours from now. What can I say? My mind is numb and my heart is playing scissors-paper-stone with my brain to decide what emotions I should feel. Last night was a pain, I didn't get much sleep at all. It was like sleep half hour, wake up toss and turn, then suddenly found a way to go back to sleep again. Woke up at 9am this morning cuz I opened my eyes, saw the daylight and didn't feel like going back to sleep.

The moment of truth is today, the turning point, the day tears will be shed, the day where screams and insane laughter will be rife in the air, the day I decide my fate.

Bless me.

72 more days to SYF outdoor and yet the band is still nowhere near its intended mark. Far from it, in fact. After such long months of training they still havent conditioned their mindset to what is required in the field. I remember when I used to be there. What my section believed is that UNITY brought us together and it is that UNITY that will not let us fall. Think of all the scoldings and punishments, rounds and rounds around the field, rounds and rounds of scoldings thrown at us by mr poh like a machine gun, all that negative treatment, only made us STRONGER and more UNITED. We fought back with full strength, always picking ourselves up and jumping to our feet whenever we fell. Never once the thought of GIVING UP crossed our minds. Why? It was the way we trained ourselves, the way we conditioned ourselves to a point beyond all understanding, even our own understanding. We forged a will of STEEL during our training, we knew when was the time to joke and laugh, but we also knew when it was time to get serious, that it's time to get to work. Everything we thought of was, what to do next, what's our next move, what's the section leader gonna do, what's mr poh up to? Nothing else. All intensely FOCUSED on what we had to do and what we were going to do, no thoughts of going home, no thoughts of being thirsty or hungry. Somehow our minds were only set on what was on the field and nothing else. This was that special ability of ours to concentrate completely on our marching and music. Why did we grow STRONGER after all the punishments and scoldings, while our juniors CRUMBLED and COWERED in fear and uncertainty? UNITY. We had that special trait that allowed us to achieve what we wanted.

I remember when mr poh and gim kai used to ask us what we wanted to get for the Central Judging competition two years ago.

"What are we gonna get?"

"GOLD!"

No hesitation, no stopping to think. Pentium 4.5. We knew what we wanted and that was what we were going to work for. It was that UNITY, DETERMINATION and FOCUS that pushed us way far beyond our physical and mental limitations, that gave us that adrenaline rush and intense concentration when we were doing our formations, our music, even our little sectionals where laughing and joking was commonplace. Somehow, we dunno how to explain it to you, but there was that special something that spurred us to go further, faster, stronger, quicker. Gave us gifts of precision, quick judgement, the ability to pick ourselves up after a mistake, after a fall. I've always told my drummers, especially the snares.

"Don't stop when you've made a mistake. The important thing is to keep your hands, body and mind moving. Thats why you have to look AHEAD of what you're doing. Pick yourself up and continue, cuz if you don't, then it's all over."

True enough, there is NO SECOND CHANCE when you're finally on the field, in the judges' and audiences' views. None at all. It's do or die. Other bands look at you, try to intimidate you before you go onto the field. They try to scare you into thinking that what you're aiming for is impossible; beyond your reach, while it's probably in the bag for them. How would the band react now? They would step back. Us in 2004? We FIGHT back. We show them what we're capable of, and after all that intimidation, who steps back in the end?

OUR BAND MEMBERS LACK CONFIDENCE. Confidence in what they have to do, confidence in what they want to achieve. Some may think,

"I want that gold. But some others don't. Can I still get the gold? Maybe I should stop working so hard and follow what the rest are doing : GIVING UP."

That's the destruction factor in our band members' mindsets. That's the thought that will destroy us all in a matter of time, and time is something we're running short of.

I've just got one thing left to say.

If you can just search within yourself for that special something that drives you beyond your physical and mental control, something that pushes you further, forces you to go faster, eliminates all thought of exhaustion, thirst, hunger. That special something that makes you look around at who's behind, beside, and in front of you, those who are working their bodies and minds to the max, then think of yourself as what you think you are : tired. That special something that fuses your mind, body and soul together into something that's more than human. Then, you are no longer human.

You have become


A TITAN.

Some must wonder how come I'd be home at such a time on friday. Went for TPJC band at 2:45 (who cares if I'm late?) went in to the band room at like, 2:50, some J2 comes up to me and tells me that all my percussion J2s had gone for some chingay thing and would not be able to come today, so she just asked me to practice my own part for a new song. None of the J1s came either, from my section. So I put down my bag, grabbed a pair of sticks, went around looking for the new score which I NEVER found. Did some strokes on a drum pad just to loosen the rust. Removing the rust would come on Titans band practices. Then I sat down for another five minutes and thought to myself.

"Nobody from my section is here. Hm. Definitely not worth it. See ya."

Picked up my bag, walked out the door, went home, and here I am. Nobody noticed. I've totally had it with this band man. Give me the O level results quick so I can transfer schools.

I hate band life at TPJC. School life not bad. Just that it's far too slack for me. Which part of that does my mum not understand. She's not studyin there thats why she doesn't know. Oh well, guess she just wants me to study...knowing she cares has never been this frustrating.

*beep beep beep* -------signing off--------- *beep beep beep*

Seems like 4 months passed by in a flash, and next week or so I'll be receiving my 'O' Level results...how many years have secondary school graduates worked for this examination? Four years....FOUR YEARS! for two or so weeks of examinations. Stress, fear, excitement, some of the many feelings we've experienced during that period. And after our final paper it was our time to rejoice! but now, when revelation dawns down upon us, proof of what we have studied, what we had revised over and over, what we had painstakingly memorized and at least, tried to understand. Proof of whether we're fit and deserving of what we want and what we had been striving for. All in a computerized piece of paper. Computers don't lie, and now it's time for the machines to take over and hand to us either the joyful, or painful, truth. Don't look like that. It's not a scary thing. If I could, I'd want the results to be released TODAY! why wait? it's going to be released anyway. What we all do in the future depends on what's printed on our certificate. The results may be in singapore already, probably in some vault in the MOE, or on it's way from cambridge right now, nobody knows. They have our path to our future...whether it's bright or dark, it will be written in black and white.

P.S. I've finally started usin friendster...add me...

Angel of Love, set me free.
Because you know I can see
What's to be, who's to be
Who's not to be.

Angel of Love, set me free
From pain, from sorrow
Give me light, at least till tomorrow
I long to cry.

Angel of Love, set me free
Free from what's not meant to be
Meddle not with my dreams
Stop giving me hope.