Now...how does this go again?

Shock
Denial
Depression
Anger
Acceptance

Not sure if it's necessarily in that order. hmmm...

I have got...Eclipse now. Got it from carmen today. Had a hard time finding the block she was under! Later found that the block was across the street, away from the cluster I thought it was in =.=

There's something about the way Edward speaks that seems strangely...alluring. Putting a few dots in between words plants that feeling of anticipation within the audience, and it does seem as though it's doing its job right.

Doing your job...doing what you love to do. What is it I love to do now? Is it...seeing the looks on the faces of the audience; is it...hitting something randomly or in a way so that the noise turns to music; is it...dealing with this sense of seemingly false denial to accept the fact that I am where I am and that's exactly where I'm going to be until it's over?

This...feeling of...waste. And regret, yet diluted by the solid satisfaction of being able to do what I love to do more than anything else I could have chosen. And the sense of security and a tinge of gratitude.

Honestly. What...the hell...am I talking about?

...

My mum's going to church tomorrow. That's...a little disturbing. Whatever, as long as she doesn't drag me to church with her eventually.

"Before you,..., my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."

I've become visibly darker, and despite anything my mum would say about that change, I kind of like it. Never liked looking fair. Don't quite know why.

Digestive biscuits, instant noodles and a hazelnut family bar for lunch.

Perfect.

How much would you trust a person with the fact that you could tell them something sensitive and they wouldn't use it for their own idealistic empowerment?

A tells B something, B believes in it mostly because B can use it to reinforce whatever beliefs and thoughts B has had about a certain issue. A has basically enabled and empowered B.

Now B goes and tells C, for lack of an arbitrary audience, or perhaps the entire known world due to the fact that the information got displayed on a widely, very widely, accessible medium.

The world now sees A's thoughts clearly smack dab in black and white (or perhaps a different coloured backing) through B's apparent lack of self control and judgment and for that, A inevitably feels responsible for the 'leak'

The complete morosity of it. Talk about a secrecy fail.

This is why I say sometimes things are best left unsaid.

Because in truth, everybody lies. It's just who you trust enough to think they wouldn't.

Four hours of sleep, going for a GOH that lasted 10 minutes, inclusive of 8 minutes of waiting time, then two rounds around the white house in preparation for COG, staring down at the little black beansprouts that were supposed to be notes. I'm going blind. And if there's one thing I am right now, it's tired. No, no, not complaining. Just feeling some fatigue.

Sometimes words are best left unspoken. 'Silence means consent'. More like, silence gives everyone else carte blanche to run you over with poking assumptions that leave you more speechless than you'd already felt. The...written freedom to annoy someone while the person has no interest whatsoever to retort with a snappy comeback. It's amusing, sometimes.

I've found out what's draggy about New Moon. It's Bella's constant moping over the 'hole in her chest' and the ever appearing metaphor of that serrated knife edge tugging at the edges of that empty space. Nevermind. I'll allow her that indulgence. For good reason.

How am I supposed to go for a run when it keeps raining like this?

March is coming. Hmmm...this really is living life in the fast lane. Faster please. Faster.

On off today for last night's Artillery Dining-in. I had my heart in my mouth while playing the Eagles Medley. I'd been on MC on Thursday and Friday and haven't had the slightest chance to practice the bells solo for Hotel California. I swear, I was still sight reading. Lucky me, I followed through just fine. I so prefer ACPC to this. Too much talk, too little action, horrible placement for the band. Oh well.

If you don't laugh at this, you're either desensitized to humour, or your funny bone's broken.

It didn't exactly turn out as I thought it would.

A man deserves the right to be upset when someone dear to him leaves, even though it's not for forever.

Goodbyes have never been, never are, and never will be easy.

I seem to be in this surreal state of denial, almost the same as I'd felt in December last year.

This is not happening, I think as I gaze far out into nothingness in a random corner of my field of vision. For a split second my eyes move to another point not more than a millimeter away, and I awaken to realize...it is happening, or rather, it's happened.

It's happened.

Mum, I miss you already...

And in ever flowing lies we search for the constant truth
To find nothingness in an empty expanse of words and muted sound
The open hands in which the intangible is offered
To receive is to be in perpetual confusion

We seek in futility
We find the incomprehensible
You see and you believe
I see and discover
No option, only inexplicable contempt

The Heavens give hope and command faith
People pray and are scorned
For in hope we are deceived
And in faith we are played masterfully
As with stringed puppets and paper planes

In life we shall have nothing
In death we shall hold nothing
To live we should seek nothing
To die, we must keep nothing

Life, so simple, is but a lie
In an endless cacophony of truth.

Remember what I'd said about skipping work if my flu never let up? I went to see a doctor at the polyclinic yesterday morning...big mistake. That aloof little prick of a doctor thought I was trying to chao keng and let me out of the room with 'light duties', expecting me to go back to camp 'after lunch'. FYI, the time was 12:10pm. What does a guy have to do to look 'genuine' when he already is?

"Shouldn't your camp MO be able to deal with this kind of thing?"

Friend, what the hell would I be doing here if I could see the CAMP MO? Of course, it would make PERFECT sense to mosey on down to my camp in Yishun from my home in TAMPINES just to see an MO, get diagnosed with flu and given frickin panadol as medication. Ah, I see. Not all doctors have common sense. This one just didn't have the balls to give me an MC because he was running scared thinking he'd get poked up the ass for aiding a chao keng attempt, which was NOT a chao keng attempt, mind you.

Besides, seeing the MO in my camp is next to suicide. They poke you with an IV and make you stay in on the grounds of being 'put under observation', just in case you walk out and, by some strange twist of fate, drop dead, in which case the MO who'd just seen me would be a little more than waist-deep in decomposing elephant shit.

Well anyway, I couldn't go back to camp in my condition, so I went to see a private doctor. She looked me over and gave me two days' MC. Hey, I said one day would do, but she said she'd better cover me for today too. Oh well. okay.

Honestly, where I'm at now, there's no sane reason for me to not want to go to work. It's not that bad. It's almost the same as being at home, minus the computer. Not forgetting the drum kit and marimba I always have fun with.

Going for the gathering at Edwin's place soon. Here's a little something you guys should see!

Disclaimer : I am not anti-Christian. I just found it genuinely funny.

Family Guy vs Christianity

Sorry I couldn't embed the video. Something wrong with the damn thing. Enjoy!

Woke up with the flu today. Some part of me refuses to believe that it's the lack of rest that resulted in this bloody annoying predicament. It was painful even to breathe throughout the day because my throat and nose were so dry. Was considering RSO before I left for work, but I thought I should just ignore it. My mistake. If I'm not better by tomorrow I'll pay the polyclinic a visit.

Wei Lung's getting posted out, most probably to band A, because some NAFA demi-god from training wing is coming to Central Band. They'd just graduated from their course today. I don't even know the fella, but I don't like him already. We've all just gotten settled down, ready for the new year, especially Wei Lung since he's one batch my junior. And now he has to go. What the lame? What's wrong with having 8 percussionists? Or is it because there's not enough room for two music school students?

I may sound selfish, but I'm also glad it wasn't me who got posted out. I don't know what I'd do in a parade band. Not that they're bad or anything. I just like things the way they are right now.

Three more days...*sigh*

Ran 2.4km today as part of the morning exercise...quite happy with it despite knowing I've yet to clear the 10:30 mark. I really want to get gold for the upcoming IPPT! <9:44 still feels so far away.

Spent most of the day reading New Moon...I'm just over a hundred pages I think. I don't know if the 'draggy' part of the book has started. I don't really feel that it is. haha. Maybe it's because I survived Twilight, so the style kinda sunk in already. The endless babbling about Edward's physical perfection is starting to get under my skin, though. It's kinda...no...very narcissistic. The only thing worse than self obsession is an obsession with someone else. Bella needs some professional help.

Muthu was sitting underneath the table in the office today and as a result of that poor position and an absent minded idiocy he hit his head twice. Of course, both times I was laughing like an idiot. FAIL.

Time actually passed pretty quickly today, and I wonder why. The minutes seem to hardly so much as inch by nowadays, a complete contradiction to the known fact that life's been speeding up a lot since secondary school. Ah...those were the days of carefree indulgence.

I can't wait for tomorrow! Dinner with mum, qz and cy and then mahjong at mum's place. I want to spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves this Saturday. It's strange. In a way, I can't wait for Saturday, but I really really don't want her to leave...inexplicable.

I can't believe how much fun I derive from this considering the fact that I usually don't last more than one round (no, not one wind. one round) while playing at my aunt's place.

Come to think of it, there are so many things to do out there that would be made all the more fun and fulfilling when done with friends. I always used to say Genting would be much more fun with friends around rather than just family. Must be a phase. Doesn't that phase usually occur in teens aged 16-18/19? I'm 20 this year. Holy crap. There's a '2' in front! And I'm so not acting my age yet. I wonder what it's going to be like to be an...adult. Boring. tsk.

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.......I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."


Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (Official Music Video) - For more amazing video clips, click here

Woah, I think I can still feel my stomach burning from the mara beef ramen I had at Causeway Point just now. Yes, Causeway Point. I had dinner there with qz and cy while waiting for cy's friend to arrive with the PS2 which cy bought from him. That guy seriously needs a lesson or two in addictive consumerism. But I'll stop here in case he decides to go all anal on me (no, not THAT kind of anal) next time for nagging about his insatiable obsession to spend.

Went for a run this morning with chang yuan (JC)...you know what? I'm just going to call him Evan from now on. That's his christian name. So anyway, we did a timed 5km run, and finished in about 30-32 minutes I think. Not very good since we'd aimed for 25 minutes...but it's a start. Not to mention the hilly terrain (though there were quite a few downslopes to take advantage of), especially that incline up along the main road going into Kembangan. The sprint up the slope on the second round was damn awesome. I felt like my lungs were going to implode.

Went home in quite a rush after that; had to get my hair cut, but I didn't in the end, because the hairdresser who usually does my hair was busy with someone else, and it didn't take a genius to figure that she wouldn't be done anytime soon. I was pressed for time. I noticed one other free hairdresser though. The chinawoman who took 40 minutes to make me look like a total idiot the previous time I allowed myself to become her practice doll. No. Way. I went home.

Went to meet cy and then carmen at somerset. The moron was late!! tsk nevermind la. We had Botak Jones for lunch. The portion was HUGE! Not one of us could finish our lunch. $7 well spent on the fish and chips! It was a big plate, and the fish covered like half the plate, set on a bed of red peppered fries with a huge chunk of cheesy potato on the side. Awesome.

After that walked around Cine and decided to go to Plaza Sing to watch Love Matters, since Underworld was M18 and LITTLE CARMEN was only 17 =.= Wanted to watch Curious Case of Benjamin Button but it didn't take much to convince carmen that it wasn't a good idea to do so. Running time : 166 minutes. HOLY CRAP! I'd need a miracle to stay awake through a movie that draggy. But Love Matters was good anyway! I still find Valkyrie more satisfying. Caught that with CY last night.

Walked carmen back to her sis' place in some ulu street in somerset...some colonial house. I swear her sister is rich. She was on the phone with her earlier in the afternoon before the movie, and when she got off she told me "eh my sis just got a new car. A porsche SUV."

WHAT!? SHE JUST GOT HERSELF A PORSCHE CAYENNE!?

The world is unfair. hahaha. And it's during times like this where we need rockin' music to soothe the nerves.



Anyway, atiqz says I've been sounding different. Trust me, it was as much a surprise to me as it was to her. Maybe it's just because she was so used to my cynical, self destructive side for a long time that she finds it rather out of place to see the way I talk when I'm genuinely happy. hahaha. No matter how strange this might sound, I like it.

These eyebags are starting to get obvious. It's like some kind of sick balance. Pimples going down, and other things start to sprout to replace and maintain the perpetual unpleasantness of my face. How comforting. I really should start sleeping earlier.

I just started to think this morning about what I want to do in uni. After a while it seemed as if all the little morons running around in my head stopped and came to a brief consensus. Stay in mechanical engineering, get a job in a automotive firm. Work with cars. Do what you love, not what works. Most people hate things like Calculus, Dynamics; the stuff that fries circuits in your brain whenever you try too hard. Too bad. I like that kind of stuff. Call it my curse. Okay, a consensus is somewhat different from a decision. So let's just say I haven't yet decided, and leave it at that.

I've started to fall in love with this marimba piece that my SL and Joachim have been playing for some time. Decided to try it out myself, and figured I liked it! 16 pages of serene rotations and an ever flowing line of mellow subtleties...



And then there's Lily Allen, whose music is always so strangely alluring. There's definitely something about a great singing voice and a British accent.



A little conversation I had with my friend Muthu on the way out of camp

Muthu : "I don't want to be mistaken for a Malay."
Me : "Yeah, I don't want to be mistaken for an Indian, though. That's a bigger insult."
Muthu (probably didn't think through what I said) : "...Yeah."
Me : "HAHAHAHA SELF OWNED!"

The day is coming and everyday as it gets closer the pain grows...I feel selfish in a way, not wanting you to go. It just won't be the same; we'll keep in touch, but I feel as if you'll be so far away, and it's strange having to feel that way when I know you're quite possibly the closest person I have to me.

There's so many things I want to say, things I can't put accurately in words because any compliment would be an understatement and any measure of how I feel about you and care for you, and how much I'll miss you is...a gross underestimate. And to tell you the truth, I'm never good at putting this kind of thing down in words. Surprised? Its true. haha.

I guess the best possible way I could tell you what I feel is that I'll miss you, and, from a son to a mum who's closer to my heart than anyone else on this planet, I love you.

Now I'm deciding whether, at the airport next week...will I ever let you out of my arms?

It felt like days and weeks
When I was still suffering in a corner
I lost my faith, I couldn't believe
Felt like I was living a lie

Then you came, you found me, and picked me up
And showed me life was still worth living
Helped me speak the words I could not say
And loved me truly everyday

When life was losing colour
And love was filled with pain
You came to me like a Godsend
And I could live through everyday

How do I tell you how much you mean to me
Other than with these words that don't come out easy

I love you

Now you're leaving
Yeah I know I'll see you again
But it won't be the same
Cuz I can't touch you with my hands

And yeah, I'll miss you
And that smile on your face
So beautiful
So beautiful

When life was losing colour
And love was filled with pain
You came to me like a Godsend
And I could live through everyday

How do I tell you how much you mean to me
Other than with these words that don't come out easy

I love you

I love you (not in the same way but it feels the same)
I love you (cuz I still think of you everyday)
I love you (don't want you to go and I know you feel the same)
I love you (I'm gonna miss you more than anything)

I love you

It's not about being upset.
It's about being stuck.

It's not about not having.
It's about wanting.

It's not about missing.
It's about remembering.

It's not about thinking.
It's about the urge to think.

Is it really so difficult to trust someone? You think that there's so much of a connection between two people that it's almost impossible not to trust. Believe? Understand? Hope?

Everyday is like living in a manipulative irony from which I cannot draw any sensible conclusion, probably because I think I know, yet I know only so little. And what I do know is always never enough to fill gaps between thought and emotion, and never enough to make any decision based upon the issue.

How do people live with being stuck? Or is it only possible because they live overlooking the fact that they are by thinking that they're not, and they're over it, or something similar. Time always moves forward. I'm just messing up the space-time continuum by planting myself in a spot and somehow refusing to move.

Do I want to move? I'm damn sure I need to. There's a distinct difference between wanting something and needing it. Just as wanting and being able to do something are mutually exclusive, no matter how many connections one can put between them.

People change and that fact of life doesn't help when it's happening more often than what's 'socially acceptable'. No, not months. Weeks? Days? That how much someone can turn out looking like someone totally different altogether in a matter of days is mind boggling. Not to mention frustrating considering the repercussions. Who the hell is this person? What happened to the last one?

Nah, it's okay. I'm being selfish. No, more like judgmental. Sure, go ahead. I'm overreacting. Don't mind me.

And so he said, the world seems like such a different place. It's people never look the same after two minutes, and quite sooner than usual even the way they sound comes to you like a new note on the scale. Fourteenth note; the random accidental and the one minor detail enough to completely derail any assumption you could ever have about anything to do with someone.

It's always changing, isn't it? They always are.

Wah I feel tired today...was damn lethargic in the morning. Had full band which was boring as usual! I was getting high telling my friends about the Rambo movie and watching them cringe as I laid out the gruesome details. hahaha. I was right. I am kind of a sadist. What's wrong with seeing someone get torn in half and calling it cool?

Lunch was good, for a change. Bloody SFI, only serve up something decent when the reservist people come in. We had fried chicken that was half the size of our plates, rice, mashed potatoes, all drenched in a yummy black pepper sauce. On top of that there was jelly and buns!

Spent the afternoon jamming in the studio and watching House while indulging in three soft boiled eggs. That makes four eggs I've had today, including the one with the rice I had this morning.

I am so in love with Paramore now!! The drummer sounds 0_o And Hayden's cute too!

Digress again...I would very much like to blow the foreign workers living opposite my house to bits with a bit of C4. Or maybe watching them singe and burn in a stream of fire from a flamethrower would be more satisfying. Then again, smashing their skulls open like watermelons with a baseball bat would be nice. How about castrating them? Nah, I don't want to see them with their pants down. Or sarong. Whatever they wear. I think I'll stick to the C4.

Came home at around 6 and went for a run. Super warm today la! I don't think I'd sweat this much even on my much longer runs. Ran to TP, past SPF then back to my house. Didn't cover very much today...Gmaps tells me I did 7.4km. I took about 38 minutes to cover that much...felt super lazy and heavy today and only started opening up in the last 2km back to my place. I think I'm getting too used to running with a buddy.

I'm done with Blasphemy already! Actually, I was done yesterday. I need a new book! I'm choosing between getting New Moon from carmen and buying another Douglas Preston novel. Hmmm...

There's seriously something wrong with someone's English in the band. I saw a double fail on the whiteboard the other day. It said something like "GOH for Monoglia (Mongolia) visitor". Beside that was the bracketed word "Postphoned" WHAT THE LAME. 0_0

I just finished watching Rambo 2008 (yes I'm slow, I know.) and I must say I've learned quite a few things along the way! Let's see...

1. It is possible to rip out someone's throat with your bare hand
2. An explosion doesn't just make you fly a few feet. It can...well...take your feet right off.
3. If you think an execution is cruel, try playing 'mine games' with captives and flinging a young boy right into a flamethrower jet right after yanking him from his mother's grasp.
4. A .50 caliber machinegun (I think it was the Browning M2 that was used in the movie) is a hellspawn of a weapon. Must've been some tool in WW2. It's still mounted on things like Humvees now though.

Here are a few of the many things it (well, its bullets, actually) can do :

-Tear a person to pieces at point blank range (and I do mean pieces.)
-Sever a person's leg entirely at the shin
-Cut a person in half at the abdomen
-Take an arm off
-Take a head off
-Put a hole cleanly through a person
-Cut down a tree

And what scares me, really, is the fact that during the last part of the movie where all this was happening, I couldn't help but smile through the unimaginable carnage that was unfolding. I guess it did look pretty cool despite being utterly gruesome.

Damn, it's late. The reason why I'm only updating now is because...This is the only time I can! I've just reformatted my OS drive and reinstalled everything because my com kinda screwed up somewhere, and I had no choice but to start from scratch. Thank God I didn't have any super essential data that I could've lost through reformatting. My mouse seems to be a little cranky though 0_o

I had BO duty on Friday...went to sleep at 9pm and was woken up by my friend at midnight, just to tell me he was still awake =.= I tried going back to sleep but ended up tossing and turning till 7am and it was time to go.

Went home, dropped my stuff, and went to sk's house to meet my JC classmates for visiting! Was a really fun day full of crap, good food at Swensens and mahjong at hui tian's place. Her house is like full of IQ toys lah...we were going nuts trying to figure them out.

There was one particular toy. It was a 3 x 3 cube made up of 27 smaller cubes. It kinda explodes into a jagged string of little cubes and what you're supposed to do is fit them together until you get the big cube. That was pure hell. haha. She then got her sister to totally humiliate (albeit unintentionally) us by showing us how to do it, all in under 15 seconds. It took us a few hours between the four of us to figure it out later. haha!

Sadil found out about my recent running obsession from sk and started ribbing me about it. I should really start trying to run without music soon. haha. Maybe music could be the difference between serious running and running for the fun and psychological benefit of it.

Got home at midnight and went straight to bed after a bath...had to wake up at 7 this morning for my run with chang yuan! Ran only about 5km though...today was really an off day. Too tired, too crowded, too hungry. haha!

I wonder who has plans this coming Saturday, though I have a pretty good idea who does and who definitely doesn't. I know I don't! Yeah, it's Valentine's Day. No, to me, it's just a Saturday. hahaha. poor, sad old boy.

Mum's leaving in two weeks and I'm already starting to feel the ache. I never knew I could grow to be so emotionally attached to her, actually. For her, it'll be a great experience, but likely one laden with wistful homesickness...something she can't help but feel, though. It isn't easy pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to pursue what you want to do in a foreign environment. The rigors of adjusting, living and working can really get to you, and the fact that you miss your friends and especially family so much back home doens't help either. But I know she can do it. She's strong and motivated!! And she'll always have people like me giving her support and encouragement whenever she needs it. You know you can count on me mum!! =)

Midnight midnight midnight...run in the morning tomorrow. GOODBYE!

Woke up at 4:45 this morning and hopped on a cab to camp...god damn ride cost me $19.20. Should've stayed in the previous night! Oh well. At least I got to sleep on my own bed. haha. It was a welcome ceremony for some foreign general at MINDEF. Easiest ceremony ever. Especially since I was playing bass drum. People don't usually see how good you've got it when you're made to play bass. haha. They think the weight will kill them, but it's really the playing that counts. Nothing beats straight beats throughout a whole piece!

Anyway I thought I saw Priscilla Shi down at the holding area! I wasn't sure if it was really her so I didn't go over and say hi =.= She hasn't replied my msg yet, too. Is she really that busy in her army life?

Got back to camp, jammed a bit, then went off at around 3. I gave into temptation and stopped by TM to pick up an iPod Shuffle at the apple store. $78 poorer! I'd need it for the run later. I can't keep on running with my big ass psp whenever I need to run without an available buddy anyway.

Yeah, I felt the need to run today after stopping since Sunday. So today I tried something new. Usually I'd run from my house to Bedok, then bus back. Today, I ran back, with a little hydration break at PY in between. Managed to up my max to 15km, in about 1hr30mins.

Here's the route :

I saw a couple of interesting things along the way on the run to Bedok. First was this amazing looking girl who couldn't be much older than I was; she was running toward me on the long stretch along Expo. Looked at me with this pair of curious eyes...she was tanned and had this great pair of legs (well I'm sorry, I was running so I look at things from down-up, not up-down xD) I almost smiled; I think she did too. Hey, it's just a little courtesy between runners (though I could hardly consider myself a runner).

Next was along Chai Chee. There was this little indian boy holding an mp3 player running toward me, but stopped before we passed each other. He was staring at me and I returned the look with a raised eyebrow. haha. Must've scared the fella.

Speaking of Chai Chee, the slope up along the railway track up to the police station was a bitch to run.

Damned stock iPod earpiece sucks balls during running. It was like hanging on the edge of my ear, going to fall out, yet somehow still in place. I need to get a new earpiece...inner earphones. Going to cost me another bomb! great. =.=

I passed by the spot at the traffic light at the T junction near S-11 and the old folks' home on the way back...I couldn't stop staring at that particular spot for some reason. It was distracting, and before I knew it I was taken back. Way back.

"We're in public..."
"I don't care."

And my eyes just went damp. Lucky the green man came on and I could continue running before anything found its way out.

I didn't know it could still hurt like this.

I'm home...halfday today because sports day was held in the morning. Ran in the 10 x 1km relay, though Central Band managed to come in only last. I was the last runner, which made me the last runner of all, quite literally. Felt like I was pushing the whole world with every stride in the last few hundred metres. At least I managed to finish with some dignity. Don't know how long I took, though.

Spent the next three hours sleeping off a heavy dizzy spell that took over when I stopped running. Couldn't participate in the games, though I heard they were pretty fun. I can't appreciate something when the whole world is spinning in circles anyway. haha.

Wanna share something I'd read in my book. It's a conversation between a small mission pastor and a nobel laureate scientist, apparently the smartest man on Earth. Fictional, of course. Don't mean any malice, by the way.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"To what denomination do you belong?"

"We're unaffiliated. Evangelical."

"But you are - what? Protestant? Catholic? Mormon?"

"None of the above. We're born again, fundamentalist Christians."

"What does that mean?"

"That we've accepted Jesus Christ into our hearts as our Lord and Savior, and we've been born again through water and spirit, the only true way to salvation.We believe every word of the Scriptures is the divine, unerring word of God."

"So you think that Protestants and Catholics aren't real Christians and God will send them to hell - am I correct?"

"If they haven't been born again - then, yes."

"Jews? Muslims? Buddhists? Hindus? The uncertain, the seekers, the lost? All damned?"

"Yes."

"So most people on this little mud ball out here in the outer arm of a minor galaxy are going to hell - except for you and a select few like-minded individuals?"

"You have to understand-"

"That's why I'm asking you these questions, Russ (the pastor) - to understand. I repeat: Do you believe that God will send most people on Earth to hell?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you know this for a fact?"

"Yes. The Scriptures repeatedly confirm it. 'He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. He that believed not shall be damned'"

Hazelius (scientist) turned to the group. "Ladies and gentlemen: I present to you an insect - no, a bacterium - who presumes to know the mind of God."

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Can you say ownage?

Speaking of religion, more Christian books along with a study bible have appeared in my mum's room. So she's serious about this. Talk about diversity. Now we've got a Japanese Buddhist, a Muslim (albeit so liberal I don't seem so), and soon, a Christian in the house. Harmony, harmony, harmony. This might get interesting.

So. I think I'm out of the identity crisis and I feel this personality, if changed, works for me in a way. Or in ways I have yet to learn to appreciate. I can laugh like a maniac again and feel the ache in my gut and cheeks, I can smile to feel good, although I don't think I'm as retarded as I'd used to be. haha.

Maybe it's best that I keep my focus on the front and sides and stop glancing ever so often into my rear view mirror. Everytime I do, I see the same euphoric nightmare that carries both the light heartedness of a string quartet in the clouds and the sick morbidity of a bloody massacre. It seems minding my own business and keeping my attention off a thing or two helps me move a little bit forward all the time, though it does feel a bit like petty ignorance and escapism.

I still have this feeling in my gut and heart because there isn't a day where I don't spend a little time to think...and everytime I do, I regret it. To poke repeatedly at your soul to invoke unnecessary emotion is psychological suicide.

I need to run this off.

Registration for Adidas Sundown 42.195km is CLOSED and I am officially pissed. DAMN! Now I'm going to have to wait for the Standard Chartered one. Nevermind!! I'm still gunning to hit at least 20km on my own time!

Tell me if I'm crazy when I say I'm thinking of trying this tomorrow evening :

If you're wondering why I'm starting from my home but only stopping at Bedok Interchange, I'm running with an ezlink card so I can bus home from there. Otherwise it would be another roughly 6-7km back home from there.

hmmm....

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I woke up pretty abruptly this morning, though. I remember hearing the distinctive beep of my watch announcing the arrival of a new hour and snapping wide awake before noticing it was already 6am. 5 hours of sleep doesn't feel like very little nowadays.

Felt a little stupid though. I transferred a few episodes of House into my psp after I got up, but after I'd left the house and was waiting at the bus stop for my bus, I realized I'd forgotten to put the damn thing in my bag 0_o

I learnt a little bit of bass guitar today; we were jamming in Studio A. The guys were practicing for the SAF Bands D&D. The bass riff from Hysteria was fun to play! I still feel as though I've got retarded fingers. I never thought coordination would be a problem for me at all. One of the guys said the only reason I picked up bass pretty quickly was because I was malay. 'It's in your blood'. Pfft. Yeah, we can play everything in a rock band, except keyboards, right? But I can, so that makes me a little less mat, I suppose! haha.

I think I'm going to sign up for the Adidas Sundown marathon afterall. But first, I've got to train. First hurdle to clear : at least 20km by the end of this month. Now...how do I cover 20km? Bedok to the other end of East Coast and back? hmmm...

Oh yeah, Felicia Chin looks irresistable in an office suit. oh. my. gawd. what a cute butt. couple that with a cute face, great hair and sparkly eyes and you've got one attractive looking babe.

Feel a little...dizzy since lunchtime. Couldn't even stand straight while falling in. Hope a good night's sleep will make it go away.

And Blasphemy is one hell of an addictive book. No regrets!!

Gone are the days of waking up at 11 on a weekend!

Here's today's route :

Steamboat at Aunt's place later in the evening. Till then I'll probably be staring at a screen holding an xbox360 controller with my idiot cousin playing WWE 2009 or FIFA.

Did I mention playing that with him yesterday? It was awesome. I was using AC Milan, and he, Manchester United, as usual. He's a Red Devil fanatic. It was a pretty close game! He scored three times and gloated over it in the most annoying fashion possible. I was pretty darn convinced I'd lose. That is, until I equalized before the final whistle xD We went into extra time and I scored another. In your face kid! That made us even. Previously he'd won one match by penalty shootout. Damned pointless way to resolve a tie. It's all based on luck!

Well anyway, I'm still considering signing up for the Adidas 42.195km marathon. Yes, I'm totally nuts.

I think I'll take a break this week. Got the 10 x 1km this Friday and my foot still hurts. Damn these flat feet. Hurts to hell after running too much. I don't know if I'll feel totally out of it if I don't run this week at all. hmmm...I need to start running faster.

Back to House and gaming.