woohoo guess what guys i only started studying physics today!!! and my exam is in like between 10-15 days...hahahaha. god bless me. and GP and econs is this coming friday and I haven't started studying econs..and as for GP? I'm counting on luck. Luck that the GP teachers are not deciding on mercilessly slaughtering the J1's on their way to getting promoted to the next year. I wonder if I'll do badly enough to be retained. Damn I don't want any of that. I remember asking my mum just now...

"you said I have to get all B's right. What if I get a C for one sub. Can I make up for it by getting an A for another?"

"okay loh"

wahuahuahua...that was stupid, yet a little assuring. hahahaha.

today was quite a slacking day for me. I only stayed back in school to study for two hours, but the whole of today earned me enough time to get through 5 out of the 10+ chapters for physics. Damn, do I resent physics. hmmm...but I'll work hard for it. I need it for engineering in uni, I should think. Won't elaborate on university goals right now, though. I'm still not very sure of what the future has to offer me.

and tomorrow I'm going for badminton...at temasek poly...well I think it's kinda better than going with my mum to my aunt's house all the way at woodlands there to rot...sit one corner and hide from everybody, hoping for time to pass by quicker so I can get home and calm my nerves.

today my friend almost killed me by shouting the name of a girl (won't say much here)...while her friend was sitting in our class cuz her class had no lesson. damn...I was about ready to smash his face in with a chair. oh well. a little humility would never hurt anyone, yes?

I think letting go of a few things...or rather many things, would be best. I seem to feel...more free in the sense of having a lighter heart to carry around all the time. Emotions can be a heavy bunch. Though they are something that I could actually describe empirically as...imaginary. Just a group of electrical signals, now aren't they? But they can weigh tonnes if you let them get out of hand. And right now, I'm feeling pretty happy with myself and with where i'm headed to. Perhaps a few memories from the past would be suffice to keep myself occupied...or should I say, at ease. But still I always find myself to be selfish in a way, as I had always been during this kind of phases in life. But I ask myself, what more have I do give, then to do thusly? Well I think I can't very much do anything else, so I'll just stick with the status quo...and hope for a light to shine in...

while I continue walking in this dark, gloomy tunnel...full of things I cannot comprehend.

Cavaliers, you've done it again. you've amazed me again and again and every time peppering me with mixed feelings and emotions...most of all, my hair stood on end everytime I watched you guys march! and this year...damn, it's an entire revolution! the fact that every single thing is themed on robots is amazing on the scale from music to marching; everything is so closely related and everything allows us to picture what you are trying to convey, in your actions and musical notes...and of course, you never cease to surprise us with spectacular finales and your intricate moves...damn...GREEN MACHINE ROCKS!

okay i'm done. Had chinese promo paper today...as I always say, chinese is F.O.C. free of charge to take, and full of crap written on the paper. Can pass or not? sure....sub pass. lol. nevermind lah, no need chinese to get me promoted. Been studying for maths and chemistry. Going to start on econs...as for physics, i'm not really sure if I want to start working on that. But I think I should at least study so I can actually do the basic questions instead of just stoning there waiting for time to go by while I see my fellow classmates jotting down stuff and punching numbers into their calculators frantically. lets see...A for maths, A/B for chem, ___ for physics, A/B for econs...think will fail GP but damn it cannot fail if not cannot get promoted...hmmm...and my Written Report FIRST DRAFT isn't even out yet. Wait. I haven't even started yet. lol.

Teacher confiscated my earpiece today for listening in class lol..my form teacher lah. The kind and funny one. He said he'd return to me tomorrow first thing in the morning...sure will return one lah. haha. Anyway my fault for listening in class. The again, we always listen to music during his classes. Like almost free period. usually we'd skip the announcements from him and stuff and chat with him instead...about school, about work, about anything. He's just so approachable...and I heard he's earning a fat paycheck every month too. I think it's just an approximation though...my friend told me that.

right...I heard that the japan trip with TPJC band is in Feb next year..meaning I'm going to Thailand with PY band to watch the Thai Marching Band competition..yeah!! it's like watching some kind of DCI show...but comparing to the American standard...I'd probably be watching something akin to the American DivII or III corps. But anyway, it's the closest thing to DCI I could ever imagine! I wonder what to expect...wait, the trip also means that I get to go to dreamworld again! wooohooo...nice...I wanna go on the go karts again...own them all. bwahaha. Mum says the money involved is far too much, but she's willing to pay nonetheless. She found other options that could get me there and staying in the same place for like $500, but I've never really considered her offer. Gotta discuss with the guys in band first I suppose.

I think life is more peaceful these few days. And the people who are really making me happy now are the people I meet in school. Everyday is another day of fun and hysterical laughter...but I'm not saying I don't get the same stuff at band. Just saying that it's an entirely different thing and different atmosphere I experience there. In band I seem to be cool, more reserved, but with my section I go a little amok. In school I'm totally free, free to express myself in my own way..I seem...more at ease in school than I am at band. But then again, I could never be able to make such a comparison, since the two environments are so very different. Sure beats thinking about stuff every now and then. School has become sort of a place to de-stress for me. With plenty of friends around to crack jokes with, some lame, some intelligent...fool around...sing to your hearts' content...so many things I cannot possibly list here. Either that or it's just too late in the night for me to think. Yes, after I come home I seem to switch off, unless I decide to study then it kind of starts up again...like a biological engine. oh what am I talking about anyway. hahahaha. I seem to be blabbering again.

Cp's still in china and I miss her...haha. I wonder how she's doing over there. When she gave me a little insight into what she would be doing there, it seemed to me that she was going there on more of a business trip than a leisure escape. She'll be coming back next friday...hmm...well doesn't make much of a difference. I mean, I hardly ever see her in person besides during band. And band has stopped. Well, I think i'll settle for looking at her bright pink words on MSN then. haha.

One of my guitar strings broke after I tuned it to B,D,D,D,D,D to play Iris...damn it's quite difficult. I think I need to change to steel strings. These nylon strings are killing me. Difficult to get the right tone...steel strings are painful, but the sound that comes out is definitely much better. Gonna get a set of those soon. Right now, I'll have to live without my guitar for a while. Funny. it didn't break when I was playing it, but I noticed it had snapped when I came back to my room from my bath...

Okay...I've got warheads, a crunchie bar, and boost on the table...and I think I'm going to finish them all tonight if i can. Till next time...

I wonder where everyone's gone. Seems tonight may be a lonely night for me.

Perhaps. Been playing Diablo II for the past 3 hours and I managed to finish off Baal within fifteen minutes. He was surprisingly easy I must say...Evil never triumphs...as long as you can rain down fire from the sky and have an Iron Wolf and a blood thirsty grizzly bear by your side.

Today had band at py, and was supposed to do the drumline recording after band. But in the end didn't get to do it because they wanted to lock up the room fast (or so I heard) and band is stopping for exams, which is good for me, so I won't be tempted to go back for band while I can actually be studying for my promos.

I've realized how easy it is to fail english, or should i say GP, in JC. My past comprehension test was a disaster, as with all the other students in the class, save one who passed merely by a mark. I got 13.5 out of 50 and that was totally absurd. Seems no matter how 'right' you think your answer is, and after continous rounds of checking after checking, it all just comes back to you wrong, smacking you right in the face. I wonder how I'm going to pull through for this exam, and more importantly, next year's A's. Maybe my english isn't really up to standard. I can only wonder how I can get through this stage.

right, I've finally gotten Iris from one of my JC mates...and so I can enjoy its lovely tunes and lyrics as and when I like...seems to me that I've been listening to this song everyday. There's just so much to appreciate.

Today's probably not the mood to blog, because I seem to myself to be taking just too much time to think about things to blog about...you know, sometimes I wished I could convey things in cryptic riddles just like how Benedict does. Because I think if I'd expressed all my feelings outright, it'd be the end of me right there. haha.

here's a little bit. I left py today with half a soul and whatever was left of my heart...and the best thing about it is, I don't know why! fortunately I was able to salvage whatever was left over lunch with qizheng and chang yuan...just like old times, the three of us, we were almost always together, always sharing jokes, personal things (well not much of that)..I enjoy their company...I guess as time goes by, you just can't keep most things under your control, and sooner of later it's over, and everything starts to drift away, out of your reach.

"I wonder if we'll still be friends, 5 years from now"

That's what qizheng said to me while a few of us were on a beach at East Coast Park. It was....a long time ago, I should think. And now I start to wonder...

"Will we?"

I remember being very confident, saying "of course..." or something like that, but I never really stopped, took one step back to think about everything and how everything is going to change, how new things proliferate, how old things wither and die. Life is just like that...and I hold faith that tells me the friends I have now...are friends for life, and it's up to fate to see how that comes along in the near future.

Funny, qizheng also told me today that the ice in Antarctica is melting at 3 times the normal rate...up from 1.5 times which we learned in geography last year. Flooding is increasing in countries already experiencing high water levels...and Singapore I believe...in formerly a no-typhoon, no-hurricane, no-flood zone, is going to be hit hard by these natural disasters soon enough...I've always thought to myself

"because of how we treat the Earth, I think I'm leaving this world before my time is offically up"

And I believe so. I have little faith in what is to come; whether Earth will hold out for the next fifty years or so. But just as some people seem to be far from optimistic, there's always the few who are. I think the newest green technologies are going to save us all...the last thing I need to be worried about is the Earth being hit by a meteor of some sort..that's not a pretty way to die. hmmm..what would I do if a giant ball of fire was headed toward the Earth...reddening the blue sky, sending an intense, menacing roar throughout the skies....and Earth's people stand on the ground below, terrified, crying, regretful...

What the hell am I blabbering about!? I always seem to go off topic and end up talking about something else...must be the little things messing with my head. and no, this is not why I fail GP.

It all seems so cold, and unfeeling, or perhaps that's just me. I seem to think that indifference to things makes me a much happier person, just that there would definitely be a lot more on my mind than what my actions would speak for. I feel that...not caring so much...seems to ease the pain. Cowardly, you would say. Running away from what's causing this distress to me...but hell, if it makes me feel a hell of a lot better then...perhaps...just perhaps, I won't mind being a coward.

*sigh*

where has everyone gone.....

I cannot possibly sit next to windows while doing maths nowadays...I'd be sure to smash one or two of em' with my bare hands without giving it more than two thoughts. The first would be "I need to destroy something." The second would be "Don't be stupid you moron."

Still no luck getting Iris. I meant the song Iris. Yeap.

Have I suddenly become indifferent? or is it because I chose to be? Either way, it's working well for me I guess.

Who has Iris by Goo Goo Dolls I want it I want it I want it!!! The first time I listened to it, like I listen to any song, little impression on me, but when I listened again, and again, and again some more, the lyrics seemed to be catching my attention..and now I feel everyday listening to songs like this is a plain necessity...I must have it.

Today stayed back till 5:30pm in the school library to study maths, well actually, doing (or trying out?) the maths revision papers given out by our teacher...did the MJ one. Damn that's already enough to have you pulling your hair out by the handfuls. Oh well, practice makes perfect, and I seem to be reliving the days before sec4 prelims where I used to practice maths EVERY SINGLE DAY up till the day before the exam...I remember being astoundingly confident on the exam day for prelims, as for O levels...I wonder if I can take my promo paper with the same assurance of getting a good enough grade.

Another thing new came up today, and that is our crappy GP teacher had been replaced by an australasian (is that the right term?) who was posted here...apparently her former teaching environment was Monash University...damn, from a University way down to here? There must be something wrong somewhere...Oh well, what seemed to be left of her Australian accent in terms of speech is her traditional Australian "yeah", which is kind of their way of saying they agree with you. Special thing is that the accent they use to say that isn't at all American or British...just a special Australian accent. I also learnt that her daughter had just graduated in Aeronautic Engineering and is working for LOCKHEED MARTIN...damn it. I'll be the next. lol. And her son is doing a Masters in education...good for her she gave birth to two hard working smart asses. Must be a good life for them, too. Well, the only bad thing, I guess, about changing teachers is the removal of the privilege to sleep or do other stuff in class. She seemed to project this 'motherly' aura, and that was reinforced by telling us that she would treat her students as she would have treated her children, and she is very approachable, or so she said. Erm, no thanks, I wouldn't want to have any of my teachers as my parents or something.

Right, I've almost finished reading Band of Brothers for the second time, and it's already been two times my friends had told me that its better to watch the show than to read the book...damn I've not a choice, do I? I'll just make do with word processing in my brain. Seems a little difficult to imagine...the maneuvers, the pain, the suffering, the ghoulish wounds, the gunfire. Pretty much shows how little imagination I've got up there. Oh well.

Exams are coming, and I'll pretty much be staying back in school to study...so I think I've only Saturdays left to go for band...for those who are feeling a slight tinge of disappointment, or any disapproval, I can only apologize, perhaps. The grades come first this time. I don't want to waste a year for nothing.

hmmm...haven't taken my dinner yet. I'll probably hop in front of the tv later to watch the 'new show' on channel 8 and eat my dinner at the same time. cheers!

hmm well I've nothing much to say today...except i'm glad to see that msn's becoming of use to me again, though sad to say I've lost the privelege of using windows live messenger becuase I stupidly deleted it in order to install an earlier version to see if it would work. oh well, looks like i'll be stuck with this for quite a while.

Today was a long day for me...finished school at around 5:30 and reached home like five minutes later (i do live across the street, and it's kind of a blessing...but it could also be a curse, though I haven't exactly thought of how that could be true)...spent rest of the time on the computer. Tomorrow i'll start studying for real, because first of all, tomorrow is a shorter day.

right...i seem to think Bring It (from Snakes on a Plane OST) and Yellow are nice songs to listen to...even if the lyrics are a little difficult to relate to. It's always the musicality that draws me nearer all the time...the chords are really nice to listen to. Probably shouldn't go into detail...i may start talking about stuff even I cannot comprehend.

And today I also got busted for skipping math lecture and the tutorial which came later, as well as the extra class during the hols, and an econs tutorial. Needless to say mum got to know about it, or I wouldn't be talking about it at all now, would I? Got a whoopin when she got home but that didn't last long. I think I've grown up enough to know how to keep arguments and lectures short and sweet.

I'm having the mood to compose again, but I am not exactly sure what to do with that motivation. Syafiq has been pestering me to do his guitar score, and frankly I don't want to abide by his wishes in the sense that he wants it to be arranged for a song the band has played before, so that he could relate to it. But I want to try something else..something new...from my mind. But I don't quite have a tune yet, so I'll probably put that on hold. When people pester me to do something related to music, I tend to get very irritated...I mean, music is from the heart. If people keep crawling up my skin, I very well won't be inspired to do it in the first place.

I think I need to visit a beach soon...probably East Coast...alone, though the journey there alone would be terribly boring. I'll probably sit on the sand like I love to do...looking up at the sky, soaking up the atmosphere, probably try and send some questions to the sea and see if anything comes back. Escapism? Yeah, this could be a good example, but hey, everyone needs a little time by themselves, right?

omg i just navigated out of the page and i panicked...clicked 'back' and i'm back here again...damn i don't want the same thing that happened to me a few weeks back to happen again. I'd throw my keyboard out the damn window if that misfortune were to befall me again.

I think I'll spare you guys here...goodnight.

currently using web messenger to chat online..totally sucks man. I wonder what the hell is wrong with the damn thing. Anyway, today...first day of school...sept 11th. lol. my friends thought I was a ghost or something, because I actually turned up for econs..which was the last two periods of the day (i usually skip =D) needless to say, my teacher was surprised too...she was looking at me with that face...and I said "well I'm here aren't I?" lol...lame lah, everytime towards the end of the day I go absolutely crazy..so the last two periods for me and my friends was crapping all the way. But don't think I didn't do anything productive okay. We went through stuff...and I TOOK NOTES!

okay...for the first time, I'm using the computer with my hp earpiece in my ears...listening to music from my phone. I seem to enjoy music better when it's played through earpieces (is that the right term to use?) than from windows media player...the music quality seems different, or should I say, I don't get the most out of the two creatives standing on each side of my monitor. I'm listening to...right now...Sweetest Goodbye...at full blast lol. So I can't even hear my own typing. Quite an experience...typing so fast with no sounds coming from the keyboard at all. Feels smoother, somewhat.

Mum's coming home late again tonight, and that is exactly why I'm up this late. Well, technically, it isn't really late. Just late by my mum's standards. Or should I say, house standards...

Promos are coming...in...1 week and 2 days!? WHAT THE HELL! ok maybe can say 2 weeks, cuz the first paper is chinese and we ain't studying shit for it. There's absolutely no way to study for chinese at this level...depends on luck lol. and I havent studied today at all. going to start tomorrow..probably staying back with my friends in the library to catch up on maths or physics...my most hated subs.

okay, not much to say today...so i'm going to end this right here.

have a great night...

Discovered a flaw in SGH today...visited grandpa yesterday and today, and my relatives and my mum had been making noise about nurses taking X-rays of patients in the same room as my grandpa, and when they were doing it, they'd ask all the visitors to go out so as 'not to get exposed to the X-ray radiation'. The first thing that came to our minds was.."so what about the patients?"

Well today we got the answer. A dissatisfying one at that.

"Well it'd be almost impossible for us to wheel out all the patients when an X-ray needed to be taken. Especially since they require so many machines and tubes, it would be terribly inconvenient and risky."

that was my version. The one given to us came in substandard english...so there it is.

What i noticed was that the nurses who performed the X-ray had suits which were probably leaded, because they hung like rock filled aprons from the X-ray machine. From my knowledge, wearing leaded clothing blocks out X-ray radiation...and sufficient shielding can be enough to shield even gamma radiation.

but the point is, if THEY had leaded protection? so why not provide it for the patients? you don't very well have to wheel them out. Just cover them with leaded suits to block out the radiation. Sure, it wouldn't block out all of it, but some protection is better than none, now is it?

can't believe the hospital staff couldn't outthink a sixteen year old in terms of patient welfare...they probably did, but just didn't want to do anything about it. 185 years of establishment, eh? still looking like a hospital in the nineties...

oh well. School starts tomorrow....and I feel bored already.

LAZY!

okay people...i am currently bored with no hope of deliverance...so I'm just going to blog here. Funny, alot of stuff that should be on my posting toolbar has disappeared, and the blogging font looks different...though everything is normal when I've posted it on my blog...forget it then. I guess it doesn't make much difference.

Waited for mum to come back at around 1am last night...struggled to stay awake despite being hopelessly tired. Seems the fatigue caused by sleeplessness at the alumni chalet was carried forward to today even. I collapsed on the bed when she was taking a shower and went out like a light. The funny thing is that I don't remember ever waking up at night, which is common for me on other days. Sometimes I get up two or three times to find my grandma and mum sleeping soundly, while my pillows are all over the place, and my comforter is horizontal instead of vertical -.-. well, this morning mum had trouble waking me up as I was still as groggy as a bear awakening from hibernation...and I think she was getting pissed about it. We did fight in the end, from the time I woke up till much later, but won't elaborate on that. It was resolved anyway.

So well, went to visit my grandpa at SGH. His condition as apparently worsened, and he'd been admitted to the high dependency unit at block 5. He had a hell of alot of stuff attached to him, and an equal number of machines that were apparently overseeing his entire livelihood. When we got there the first person we saw was my grandma...she hugged and kissed me den we stopped to talk a while. Grandpa was looking weak...and I wouldn't need to wonder why. Didn't speak much though. I was just standing there like I always do, answering the occasional question, being as coherent as I could, and giving the fleeting nod once in a while. I always blame myself for that, for not talking much to relatives, but...that's just how I am. I just can't seem to get the words out of my mouth. I care, but I don't show it in speech, that's all. But I know my grandparents would have very much loved to have a conversation with me...

There was this malay guy who was admitted to the same ward for subutex abuse (you've heard of it haven't you guys?), or so I heard. His right leg was amputated from the thigh, and he was on oxygen support...when he breathed, it seemed as if every breath was laboured, as if he was in very much pain from simply breathing. So are the consequences of drug abuse...the things those shit can do to your body. Didn't look at him much; didn't want to draw any attention to him.

Well anyway, there was this part where my grandpa stressed to me the importance of being flexible in study...and doing the best I can...and my mum told him not worry...cuz I'm a 'good boy', never giving her problems. WELL, as to that, I'm not really sure...I can handle studies (or so I think), I don't smoke, do drugs, go clubbing, drink excessively, hang out with bad company (you guys aren't considered bad company right? =D), I don't have children I don't know about, I don't curse or swear (in front of family of course)...maybe she's right. On the whole...I'm not much of a troublemaker, now am I? Well I guess that was enough to put his heart at ease. I just want him to get better as soon as possible, to alleviate any of his pain.

Right. That's about my day. Had a nice dinner with my aunts. Black pepper crabs, veggies, cereal prawns...and to think just last night I was having a god damn expensive dinner over at Raffles City. My balls nearly dropped when I saw the bill; $400 plus bucks for a seafood dinner. Sonofabich, we could've eaten the same stuff at East Coast for half the price at most. Well, my aunt was paying for dinner as she had just gotten a promotion...so I guess it didn't hurt my mum that bad. They even charged for the god damn iced water! yeah...chinese people, their goal is to get every penny from you. =D

I think I was nice to my cousins today despite the fact that I find them irritating. Being nasty to them is depressing. So I decided to make the best out of their visit today by playing with them, offering them internet access and fixing one of their toys...I think i'm a good boy today. I wonder how the coming week will be for me...

There seems to be less things to do with the computer these days...waiting for my new com to come so I can have my fill of the newest games on the shelves...by then, well, it'd be around two months. nah, maybe by the end of next month. Depends on how lucky I am I guess.

Right, I guess I'll end here then...no inspiring words to share today. Not that I've shared much over the past few months, in fact. I'll see ya around.

back from alumni chalet! well, actually, I was back since this morning...at around nine plus? I left the place after staying awake the entire night...with the exception of one or two five minute naps while drowning myself into an uncomfortable chair (but the again, anything soft is comfortable enough...better den the floor right?)

the chalet was good lah, and i actually pity those who didn't stay over. haha. cuz the REAL fun was during the wee hours of the morning...before that we were watching movies...well, movie, actually. Saving Private Ryan...goddamn it. That movie is damn shocking. And sometimes damn bloody funny too!

German sees American
*both realize they are out of ammunition for their rifles*
German : "FUCK!"
*throws helmet at american soldier*
*american throws his helmet back*
*both take out pistols, american shoots german dead first*

there was another scene where two guys in a room of a building were talking while fighting off advancing german infantry. After a few words, a potato masher (german stick grenade) would come in through the window. (there was two or three) the american duo took it as nothing! one of em would pick it up and throw it back outside, where it would blow up the soldier who threw it initially...pretty funny stuff lemme tell ya.

wah lau eh, the helmet thing ah...the whole chalet was roaring with laughter...hahahaha...super funny. The thing about this movie was that we watched the DVD version which is uncut and uncensored...M-18 woot. The gore was...erm...how do you put it...unimaginable. you could actually feel the pain.

Especially the part on Omaha Beach. Poor damn soldiers got riddled with lead from heavy machine guns before even setting foot on the beach. some were worse; their landing craft got hit by artillery or mortars before even reaching the beach. others drowned in the supposedly 'shallow' water under grossly cumbersome equipment. The sea was awash with blood, carrying bodies along with the current. Guts and limbs all over the place.

Damn it, people think, when a person gets shot in the head or something, there's only a hole where the bullet were.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! it's much...more gruesome than you think..haha. Go watch it. Saving Private Ryan...dvd. I wouldn't give a high rating for the storyline though. The most captivating element of the movie was the harsh realities of going to war, fighting, and winning. And of course...pain and suffering, and dying.

I wonder if I could go to war...stare my enemy in the eye and kill him in cold blood. I wouldn't want to die. My family would be devastated. Then again, if i shot the guy and killed him, wouldn't his family be equally anguished? I wonder if I could take the risks, running across zeroed in streets under machine gun, mortar and artillery fire, planting explosives on tanks (watch the movie and you will know why) and buildings.

I wonder if I could outfight a german SS soldier in hand to hand combat. LOL. of course I'm not talking about modern war. there's no need for such risks to be taken anymore nowadays. But somehow, I feel winning in WWI and WWII are much more glorifying in the sense that there is really that unexplainable surge in emotion and energy, that will to fight and live. It's really a fight just to survive...rather than something more noble than that. It's a fight so you could live to go home and see your mother...your family.

Generals plan the battles, but soldiers win the war.

okay, enough about that. Last night we were playing some team game akin to pictionary...and it was damn fun lah. mr poh was making so much damn noise all the time. yah lah, we stupid lol. and zach is just like me, cant draw even if our lives depended on it. HAHAHA!!! but i do admit..i draw better =)

I struggled to stay awake throughout the morning and I did, but when Ivan came at around 3, I buay dong liao. He was playing CS. I was lying down on the bed beside the computer...den started to fall asleep. In the end I dragged myself to my mum's room to sleep...bwahahaha. when i woke up...OMFG! 6:45pm already! PIANO IS AT 7pm!!! haha so I quickly got up, still bloody groggy and aching all over. Braindead. haha. Ivan was still playing cs...so I asked him to stop...den we left together..he went home while I went for piano. My music theory is getting better!!! aiming for distinction this november muahaha. it's actually easy if you think about it...only the composing part not sure now.

haha okay..i think i should stop now. mum's coming home late again tonight..which gives me reason to stay up late..again. I wonder if i can take it. haha. nevermind. not sleepy now. afternoon naps can do wonders for me =)

cheers!

 and then it all just comes crashing down, now doesn't it? seems to be so for me though. well, at least right now.

there comes a time when uneasiness builds up to become a burden. a very large one, in fact.

there comes a time when words seem to carry no weight, no purpose, and no motivation.

there comes a time when everything starts.....fading away

 argh, I feel as though I am being taken over by some unseen force...just that now I have quite some idea of what that force would be. While my soul remains uneasy, I can only dream of having some relief granted to me. But then again, whatever relief I always find...always come in the form of dreams. Short lived relief, I should say, because I tend to feel worse in the morning =) ah well, as I always say, sometimes things just don't go the way you wish it to, and most of all, most things don't happen to your liking. Most other times you just don't expect things to happen as they do. Take this for example. I would never have dreamed of Steve Irwin dying, much less being killed doing something he loved so much.

Well, life's a bitch, and the Grim Reaper's fingers are almost always itchy for a quick pick. How fragile life can be...it seems everyday, you take risks. Even the normal, everyday things are risks. Crossing the road despite the risk of being run over. Eating despite the risk of choking. Standing under a running fan despite the risk of the fan dropping from the ceiling and eventually decapitating, if not dismembering you. All these things just cannot be avoided...what you do everyday is almost inevitable. We might as well be in some kind of floating capsule surrounded by bullet proof glass and wearing a diamond coated vest...flying around like some alienated human...yes...there's no escaping the rules of life, no matter how much you try. So why not treasure life as it is now?

Ahhh, life sucks, some of you guys say, but almost always, it isn't as bad as it seems to you, now doesn't it? what about that boy starving to the bones in Africa while you study, frustrated, tired of studying life. He wants to study more than you do, but the first things he needs are food and water! As the less fortunate struggle in their fight for survival, we take life for granted. Not that I don't. But then, doens't hurt anyone for me to preach a little, now does it?

I do not pray, I do not openly practice my belief and religion, but I do believe there is one God ruling high above us, watching everyone of us like a security guard of some sort with billions of eyes and CCTV cameras (okay that was lame.) ...and somehow, He could be able to control some of us if He had felt the need to. One thing I don't believe in is fate...how God has our lives all drawn up in some kind of blueprint...a schedule lasting decades on end, but then again, our life is limited to how much he sees as suitable. I don't believe in that. He made us, and now it's our turn to make it into what we want it to be...There may be divine intervention in any part of our lives, but in the end, how we mould and shape our lives, to me, is all up to the individual.

Now then, how the hell did I start talking about life...from the problems I face today? As to that, I don't really know right about now. Perhaps...I'd understand somewhere in the near future, when my soul has been cleansed and when my mind is in the right state to think rationally and critically of things.

Speaking of my mind...studying has been becoming a difficulty for me since I always lack the concentration and conviction I need to study. Don't talk about distractions, because when I study, I tend to block out anything and everything around me, save the occasional verbal call from mum or grandma. It just seems as though nothing seems to register this time. I gotta patch this up before it's too late. Exams are starting on the 29th of september...well, 20th, but that's chinese, and I don't study shit for chinese. Econs is on the 29th...and I haven't started studying. Instead I've been focusing on math and chemistry...I think physics would come last. I do resent that subject...now that I've been learning all the nitty gritty not-important-to-me-in-life stuff in JC...irks me everytime i realize that I need to study physics for the exams...but what is there to do anyway...there's no escaping the fact that i'm in jc...a so called expressway to university...and all I can do now is do my best, and produce eye candy on my A level cert for all to see.

Right now my goal is to get all B's for my promos...doesn't sound like much of a noble conviction, is it? I know poly people are all aiming for A's an distinctions and stuff like that...but I pretty much don't care. I'll work my way up...slowly. And the reward for achieving that goal? well, if I do make the mark, pay a visit to my home and I'll show you. Wouldn't interest many of you, though. Most probably I'm the only one out of the few who really understands what I am prepared to undertake...along with 1,500 dollars.

Some Acer engineer came to my house to check out what was wrong with my computer...apparently it had been shutting down randomly when I used it. I opened the side panel to see what was wrong, and I got a real surprise when I touched the CPU heatsink (i think i only know what that is, for now) ... it felt like you could fry a damn egg one it...if it was any bigger, cooking an omelette wouldn't be much of a problem either. I then remembered that most motherboards have a function that causes the PC to shut down when the CPU exceeds a stated temperature, for safety reasons. Better to have erratic performance than to have your CPU fried, trust me. Well, the engineer came and fixed the problem : faulty fans. now the new fans are roaring like fucking rockets inside the casing...now I understand why pc geeks stress the need for low noise cooling fans -.-

well woke up early to go spf for mdm ho's class today. and farzana was amazingly high...must be one of those badly timed swings. fortunately purdee was around to keep her on her leash. or was it the other way around? I wonder how chen pei and purdee stand her wild behaviour...

Haven't taken my dinner...........no mood?

 Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died today after being stabbed in the heart by a stingray's barb while on a shoot today...damn, it's a waste. Such a great man, always preaching to people the need for environmental conservation and how it'd do good to us and to future generations. He willingly gives much of his earnings to wildlife conservation and never ceases to amaze us with his skill with animals and his love for anything living. I was just watching his show yesterday I think...in the morning...and today I came home and heard the news from my mum. Damn, how unlucky can a guy get? Well at least, I can confidently say that he died with no hatred for that stingray which killed him..after all, he loved animals, and even in death, he should hold no hatred towards an animal that cut his life short.

ahhhh........!!!! good people die young...sigh.

 today is teachers' day and I've yet to personally wish my piano teacher and my JC form teacher...since yesterday i ponned school and didn't wish my piano teacher, I guess today would be a good day since it's the actual day.

Woke up at 8am today...den forced myself to go back to sleep, only to awake half an hour later...so i thought ah what the heck, wake up means wake up lah, dun be so lazy. besides, it didn't make a difference whether i woke up earlier or later. i'd still be visiting my computer first. And it's one of those times again where i feel I have no purpose for being at the computer...there's nothing to do...well that's me, once i've got a taste of anything that comes my way i tend to get bored with it.

The only exception though, is music, because it seems everytime I play a piece of music it always seems to come out different. Well, as people say, music comes from the heart and soul, and there is no guarantee that i'm feeling the exact same way each time I make music...so I guess that would be the reason. critics would say that it's just a sorry excuse for a lack in skill and musical consistency....I tell them to piss off. lol.

Well, seems to me that I won't be able to buy any new games to play because this old bird sitting on my computer table just can't take the punishment the newest games deal on the processor and graphics card...and by modern standards, this computer of mine has long been outplayed in terms of performance. The only solution, though, is to upgrade after my promos...and note that...after my promos...seems somebody's needing to study more intensively...just how was it that I went from ultimate slacker to top 3 in secondary four...it's amazing i tell you...must be the mid years' results pissing me off so bad I didn't want to get looked down upon anymore. Well this time its different. Nobody's lookin down on me because I've yet to show anything...and the only reason I'm going for it for promos is my new computer. Wrong motivation eh? well, if that was the case, nobody would need to do anything any more. You think everyone's that noble to pick the best and most righteous out of all motivational options....i say noooooooooooooooo.

okay, i seem to be falling into one of those moodless stupors where nothing much seems to be of any importance to me. it's one of those times i take a short step back and take a look at what i've done and what i'm going to do. like some kind of -once in a while- self inspection and reflection...something teachers always tell us to do and we put it off as something to laugh about...now i'm doing it myself. Sometimes things you see just doesn't register as good in your heart...and that's where my emotions start to play games with me. This time, it's close to winning. But fighting on isn't the worst thing i can experience right now. To me, i've got plenty more lives to go before the "Continue?" sign comes up on my screen....too bad in real life, there isn't such a thing as putting in an additional fifty cents or a token to carry on.

On another note...i've misplaced my faith...as I have had since one or two years ago. I think in the previous years, any attempts to secure a bond with my faith and religion had been like a chocolate filled cookie...hard and solid on the outside, but soft and insecure on the inside. It seems now i don't have such a good idea of what or who i am. feels as if some part of me had broken off. I remember my mum telling me, every time you pray, talk to God about your father. Each time you do, he gets closer to heaven...I guess with my insolence...he's still stuck somewhere in between...but somehow i just can't muster the determination to pursue faith once again. and frankly I feel no pity for myself because in this way I feel I'd just given up. funny how it is in youngsters nowadays, with their extravagant lifestyles and priorities made to benefit themselves...they seem to turn to religion and faith...last.

Material things and friends are what and who they turn to, and only when they've exhausted all their options do they really sit down, look up, and pray...to implore the Heavens to provide some sort of divine solution...well, it just doesn't work that way. I seem to think Heaven grants pardons and divine help based on merit...religious merit..you can't ask God for help if you don't give him the utmost respect. In a Muslim's case, piousness, as much as you can afford to give, guys going for friday prayers, everyone praying five times a day...to the modern teenager, it's too much. For the teenager who chooses to make time, it's not enough.

I chose not to make time...

well as always, when I falter i always pick myself up...and unfortunately I don't really prefer sharing my woes...especially those which hit me hard, and hit me the most. and everytime emotions come knocking on my door...they leave an irremovable mark. I think..i can't count all the emotional scars left on me with just these 10 fingers of mine...then again, I could use my toes, but then it would just seem to be too much.

are freethinkers really so 'free' in their lives? I seem to be missing a part of me...and I don't quite like it. Is it because they do not believe, or is it because they do not wish to carry this extra responsibility, or to some, a 'burden'.

I am struggling, once again, to keep myself in place...and stand strong against the hurricane winds of rugged, frenzied emotion.