today is teachers' day and I've yet to personally wish my piano teacher and my JC form teacher...since yesterday i ponned school and didn't wish my piano teacher, I guess today would be a good day since it's the actual day.
Woke up at 8am today...den forced myself to go back to sleep, only to awake half an hour later...so i thought ah what the heck, wake up means wake up lah, dun be so lazy. besides, it didn't make a difference whether i woke up earlier or later. i'd still be visiting my computer first. And it's one of those times again where i feel I have no purpose for being at the computer...there's nothing to do...well that's me, once i've got a taste of anything that comes my way i tend to get bored with it.
The only exception though, is music, because it seems everytime I play a piece of music it always seems to come out different. Well, as people say, music comes from the heart and soul, and there is no guarantee that i'm feeling the exact same way each time I make music...so I guess that would be the reason. critics would say that it's just a sorry excuse for a lack in skill and musical consistency....I tell them to piss off. lol.
Well, seems to me that I won't be able to buy any new games to play because this old bird sitting on my computer table just can't take the punishment the newest games deal on the processor and graphics card...and by modern standards, this computer of mine has long been outplayed in terms of performance. The only solution, though, is to upgrade after my promos...and note that...after my promos...seems somebody's needing to study more intensively...just how was it that I went from ultimate slacker to top 3 in secondary four...it's amazing i tell you...must be the mid years' results pissing me off so bad I didn't want to get looked down upon anymore. Well this time its different. Nobody's lookin down on me because I've yet to show anything...and the only reason I'm going for it for promos is my new computer. Wrong motivation eh? well, if that was the case, nobody would need to do anything any more. You think everyone's that noble to pick the best and most righteous out of all motivational options....i say noooooooooooooooo.
okay, i seem to be falling into one of those moodless stupors where nothing much seems to be of any importance to me. it's one of those times i take a short step back and take a look at what i've done and what i'm going to do. like some kind of -once in a while- self inspection and reflection...something teachers always tell us to do and we put it off as something to laugh about...now i'm doing it myself. Sometimes things you see just doesn't register as good in your heart...and that's where my emotions start to play games with me. This time, it's close to winning. But fighting on isn't the worst thing i can experience right now. To me, i've got plenty more lives to go before the "Continue?" sign comes up on my screen....too bad in real life, there isn't such a thing as putting in an additional fifty cents or a token to carry on.
On another note...i've misplaced my faith...as I have had since one or two years ago. I think in the previous years, any attempts to secure a bond with my faith and religion had been like a chocolate filled cookie...hard and solid on the outside, but soft and insecure on the inside. It seems now i don't have such a good idea of what or who i am. feels as if some part of me had broken off. I remember my mum telling me, every time you pray, talk to God about your father. Each time you do, he gets closer to heaven...I guess with my insolence...he's still stuck somewhere in between...but somehow i just can't muster the determination to pursue faith once again. and frankly I feel no pity for myself because in this way I feel I'd just given up. funny how it is in youngsters nowadays, with their extravagant lifestyles and priorities made to benefit themselves...they seem to turn to religion and faith...last.
Material things and friends are what and who they turn to, and only when they've exhausted all their options do they really sit down, look up, and pray...to implore the Heavens to provide some sort of divine solution...well, it just doesn't work that way. I seem to think Heaven grants pardons and divine help based on merit...religious merit..you can't ask God for help if you don't give him the utmost respect. In a Muslim's case, piousness, as much as you can afford to give, guys going for friday prayers, everyone praying five times a day...to the modern teenager, it's too much. For the teenager who chooses to make time, it's not enough.
I chose not to make time...
well as always, when I falter i always pick myself up...and unfortunately I don't really prefer sharing my woes...especially those which hit me hard, and hit me the most. and everytime emotions come knocking on my door...they leave an irremovable mark. I think..i can't count all the emotional scars left on me with just these 10 fingers of mine...then again, I could use my toes, but then it would just seem to be too much.
are freethinkers really so 'free' in their lives? I seem to be missing a part of me...and I don't quite like it. Is it because they do not believe, or is it because they do not wish to carry this extra responsibility, or to some, a 'burden'.
I am struggling, once again, to keep myself in place...and stand strong against the hurricane winds of rugged, frenzied emotion.
Woke up at 8am today...den forced myself to go back to sleep, only to awake half an hour later...so i thought ah what the heck, wake up means wake up lah, dun be so lazy. besides, it didn't make a difference whether i woke up earlier or later. i'd still be visiting my computer first. And it's one of those times again where i feel I have no purpose for being at the computer...there's nothing to do...well that's me, once i've got a taste of anything that comes my way i tend to get bored with it.
The only exception though, is music, because it seems everytime I play a piece of music it always seems to come out different. Well, as people say, music comes from the heart and soul, and there is no guarantee that i'm feeling the exact same way each time I make music...so I guess that would be the reason. critics would say that it's just a sorry excuse for a lack in skill and musical consistency....I tell them to piss off. lol.
Well, seems to me that I won't be able to buy any new games to play because this old bird sitting on my computer table just can't take the punishment the newest games deal on the processor and graphics card...and by modern standards, this computer of mine has long been outplayed in terms of performance. The only solution, though, is to upgrade after my promos...and note that...after my promos...seems somebody's needing to study more intensively...just how was it that I went from ultimate slacker to top 3 in secondary four...it's amazing i tell you...must be the mid years' results pissing me off so bad I didn't want to get looked down upon anymore. Well this time its different. Nobody's lookin down on me because I've yet to show anything...and the only reason I'm going for it for promos is my new computer. Wrong motivation eh? well, if that was the case, nobody would need to do anything any more. You think everyone's that noble to pick the best and most righteous out of all motivational options....i say noooooooooooooooo.
okay, i seem to be falling into one of those moodless stupors where nothing much seems to be of any importance to me. it's one of those times i take a short step back and take a look at what i've done and what i'm going to do. like some kind of -once in a while- self inspection and reflection...something teachers always tell us to do and we put it off as something to laugh about...now i'm doing it myself. Sometimes things you see just doesn't register as good in your heart...and that's where my emotions start to play games with me. This time, it's close to winning. But fighting on isn't the worst thing i can experience right now. To me, i've got plenty more lives to go before the "Continue?" sign comes up on my screen....too bad in real life, there isn't such a thing as putting in an additional fifty cents or a token to carry on.
On another note...i've misplaced my faith...as I have had since one or two years ago. I think in the previous years, any attempts to secure a bond with my faith and religion had been like a chocolate filled cookie...hard and solid on the outside, but soft and insecure on the inside. It seems now i don't have such a good idea of what or who i am. feels as if some part of me had broken off. I remember my mum telling me, every time you pray, talk to God about your father. Each time you do, he gets closer to heaven...I guess with my insolence...he's still stuck somewhere in between...but somehow i just can't muster the determination to pursue faith once again. and frankly I feel no pity for myself because in this way I feel I'd just given up. funny how it is in youngsters nowadays, with their extravagant lifestyles and priorities made to benefit themselves...they seem to turn to religion and faith...last.
Material things and friends are what and who they turn to, and only when they've exhausted all their options do they really sit down, look up, and pray...to implore the Heavens to provide some sort of divine solution...well, it just doesn't work that way. I seem to think Heaven grants pardons and divine help based on merit...religious merit..you can't ask God for help if you don't give him the utmost respect. In a Muslim's case, piousness, as much as you can afford to give, guys going for friday prayers, everyone praying five times a day...to the modern teenager, it's too much. For the teenager who chooses to make time, it's not enough.
I chose not to make time...
well as always, when I falter i always pick myself up...and unfortunately I don't really prefer sharing my woes...especially those which hit me hard, and hit me the most. and everytime emotions come knocking on my door...they leave an irremovable mark. I think..i can't count all the emotional scars left on me with just these 10 fingers of mine...then again, I could use my toes, but then it would just seem to be too much.
are freethinkers really so 'free' in their lives? I seem to be missing a part of me...and I don't quite like it. Is it because they do not believe, or is it because they do not wish to carry this extra responsibility, or to some, a 'burden'.
I am struggling, once again, to keep myself in place...and stand strong against the hurricane winds of rugged, frenzied emotion.
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