I'd just like to announce that today I spent half a day at the Turf Club for the purpose of performing three times, 5 minutes each. Do the math, and curse the ratio. What a great way to spend your precious Sunday, counter-marching continuously on a small patch of uneven green grass and playing boring marches for thousands of people who don't even care.

Inhabiting the place was a hodge-podge of sore-eyed smokers and by god I do mean incorrigible litterbugs as the entire internal space was strewn with 4D tickets, tissue paper, newspapers and other forms of paper one would consider rubbish. Accompanying those would be cigarette butts and plastic drink cups left over. I felt sorry for whoever had to clean up that horrifying mess. Imagine this, a huge crowd of mature old men and women, with sufficient knowledge as to how to get there and how to conceitedly attempt to make some kind of killing that would be book-worthy, at least to them, and they don't even have the ability to make the tiniest consideration that their incessant chucking of random trash was making life a hell of a lot harder for the cleaners. And I don't mean a ticket here, a piece of paper there. It was bloody EVERYWHERE. The floor was made up of small square tiles, perhaps 15cmx15cm, and I can confidently say there was at least one piece of trash on each tile. Go figure.

These guys (and girls) really need to get a life. They've reduced what I believe used to be the magnificent grandeur of the Turf Club into a loathesome, crowded, filthy cesspool filled with uncouth, underdressed, grubby retirees and housewives.

From now on I look at Turf Club deployments with pure disdain.

On a lighter note, it is a good day for surprises, isn't it?

Funky drums, great chord progressions, rockin' beat. That's Big Machine.

Ecstasy is all you need
Living in the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care

Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel

Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you No I can't believe it's coming true
God it's good to be alive
And I'm still here waiting for you
No I can't believe it's coming true
I'm blind and waiting for you

----------------------------------------------

I'll be leaving my house soon (and I haven't even had my bath yet), gotta be in camp by 2:15pm cuz we're having a performance at the Turf Club today. Should I bet on horse races? I'm running out of money here. haha.

I think it's a good day for surprises. Don't you?

It's already past 1pm? And to think I woke up at around 9 today...I feel extremely bored, the way I've been for the past few hours, but time still seems to pass me by without any conceivable difference. The world really is passing us by faster than we'd prefer, and I think I can speak for most of us when we say that. Living life in the fast lane can get pretty scary when we begin to feel that things are starting to run out of control, and we start to lose our grip on things, fail to cherish what we have and stop to appreciate the beauty of something when we're too focused on getting our hands on the next best thing and getting over and done with the next task.

I miss the slow, relatively carefree and most importantly, hugely enjoyable life that was secondary school. I spent three and a half years caring about close to nothing. Studying just wasn't 'there' till after the sec4 mid-year examinations. I just got tired of being at the bottom of the class. That's all. Before that revelation everyday was a joy to live; being with friends, surrounded by laughter and the things we enjoy to do so much, that omnipresent fluttering feeling when your crush passes by, followed by the agonizing realization it's not going to happen..hahaha. Oh I do remember those feelings. Fondly. There really wasn't much to worry about. Especially for someone like me, who has this not-so-desirable knack of dodging responsibility like avoiding bullets. I have no regrets.

What was I again? The 'melancholic'? The follower, the perfectionist, the slow-witted, the chronically depressed and unconfident, the list goes on and I can't write out what I can't recall, so let's just leave it at that.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a good or bad thing that everything around us happens so quickly. This can be a double edged sword...the years pass us by and leave us pondering our gains and losses; and we think, how have we lived our lives? Have we learned, given, shared, gained in things both material and intangible, or have we lost, forgotten, neglected, denied? Balance...sometimes balance operates on dubious principles. Nobody wants the stuff that hurts, depresses and destroys. Everyone wants to feel good, to gain something or someone, to give and receive trust, to love and be loved, to be able to say "If I die then it will be without regret". Balance takes that away. It's as unfair as it is fair, but what can I say? If it's perfect, it's not life.

I wonder what is it really that has put me in this deeply reflective mood these (this?) past few days. It seems both a chore and a relief to be able to put down whatever that has been going through my head. No, it's not because I'm lazy. It's just that I'm not sure if what I'm saying is from my heart or from my head. And everyone knows what happens if you speak too much from your heart. Funny how the heart can make split second decisions based almost entirely on the face value of something and can either be right, or so very wrong. The head just takes too long. There is, though, a very subtle difference between intuition and impulse. Where do we cross the line? That's hard to say.

Oh yeah, I miss you too, mum =)

It scares me each time I find myself staring into blank space, or at a computer screen, and realize that somehow, I'm without direction, without motivation, and just plain simply without something specific to do.

How ironic life can be, when one yearns for rest and deliverance from everydays' routine tasks; mundane and tedious no matter how trivial they can be, boring, devoid of excitement, undesirable by personal perception. And then when you're finally able to enjoy that well deserved break from all your burdens and responsibilities, you find yourself lost in a light-less void. I don't mean to sound melodramatic. Just feel that way.

The day to day activities a person partakes in can bring joy and laughter, reproach and regret, anger and that oh-too-familiar frustration. What a wondrous mix of emotions...the thing is, people can wake up everyday and envision the entire day ahead and begin to expect what to see, hear, touch, taste and feel; when they might very well experience something woefully different. You might end up head on pillow, recalling today's events and think...tsk, what a waste. Another day ended up in smoke and more often than not you find yourself choking in the midst of a discouraging mass of days not well spent.

Why anticipate the near future with that shy little smile or that indifferent frown when it might just turn out to be the opposite of what you expect? I guess this is what makes people think that it's better to live each day as it comes and goes, to be content with the gift of living through it and waiting with bated breath for the next.

It's been about a year since I've graduated from TPJC and yet a surprising yet discouraging revelation constantly knocks at my door. I don't know if it comes and goes, or I just don't get up to let it in. I still can't confidently tell myself that what I've chosen to do is what I really want to do, and that the choices I've made are right and best in their entirety, not just for a few reasons here and there.

It's too easy to lose sight of the big picture when people like me tend to allow a multitude of renegade factors sprout uncontrolled from the main focus. It's these little buggers that make you stray, that constantly confuse, contradict and instigate action, that encourage recourse, rethinking, and some just bluntly tell you that you're wrong. How difficult is it, really, to find the right answer in the middle of this raging mess of directionless wisdom? It's hard to see through the fog if it's only getting thicker by the moment.

Maybe the reason why I'm not feeling the urge to ORD is because I don't think I'll be able to handle life outside of this safe haven, this sanctuary, if you could call it. It provides food, shelter, allowance, education. It provides, or rather forces unto you, direction. No, I'm not going to sign on. There's always greener grass somewhere else, if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone to seek it. But then again, it's how you look at it. Hey, if I could take the life, why not be a Commando officer? Pays well, good recognition. However some things are just not for you I suppose. I don't want to be discharged from NS a lost sheep with no aim, no goal although I most likely have somewhere to go to have a fresh start in civilian life. Then again, what is it I really want? Looks like someone needs to go for a goal-setting class.

Sheryl's coming back tonight...I do miss her. It's just one less person to talk to and confide in this week, and it just doesn't feel right. Sorry, I just happen to have this attachment to close friends. I hope she's had fun over in Genting. I'd like to hear if she's had one or two scuffles with the locals, or should I say natives. I'm not sure if I'm going to this holidays...A couple more things I'd like to say but should probably shut up about. I'll just shut up.

A short tribute to the men of Easy Company, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment of World War II in the European Theater:

From this day, to the ending of the world, we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we Band of Brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother.

I'm taking some time to look over December's events and my, my...it doesn't look too pretty, despite the fact that my block leave begins on the 3rd week and carries till after the New Year. You can't always enjoy the good stuff without having a price to pay, do you?

Let's see, I've got deployments (out-of-camp activities like parades, performances, etc.) on:

30/11 (Sunday) - Turf Club performance
01/12 (Monday) - Corp of Drums for COC (OIL, if any, for 30/11 is forgone and accumulated)
02/12 (Tuesday) - GOH for Costa Rica minister
04/12 (Thursday) - Rehearsal for COC
05/12 (Friday) - ACPC Dining In (Night gone)
09/12 (Tuesday) - COC Actual
12/12 (Friday) - Ex-Cope Tiger parade (Morning or afternoon?)
19/12 (Friday) - Tan Tock Seng Hospital - Art of Healing performance (Night gone?)

And the very next day...the 20th, I'll be in M'sia for my rather poorly timed holiday. God damn it. I finally get some respite from my deployments and then I've gotta hop on over to the Motherland and forcibly socialize with the English-impaired. Pardon the insult...I'm known to be brutally honest.

As you can see I've got deployments on 4 out of 5 days next week...including a precious Friday night. Seems I'll miss another Friday evening on the 19th too. Losing two Friday nights in a row is kinda upsetting. No no, actually...it's VERY upsetting. God damn it.

I do hope the ex-Cope Tiger parade is in the morning. I'll be damned if it's in the afternoon. I do hate afternoon parades...

Just this morning I had a GOH at the Istana for some Belgian visitors...royalty, apparently. Didn't really notice who was royalty and who wasn't. It was the same as any other GOH. Mundane, boring, incredibly moist inside my uniform, and cursing my gloves for their lack of grip on my drumsticks.

Everytime I think of how tired I'm going to be I smack myself for even thinking of complaining because I'm very much living the good life right now. For those of you who had the thought of me being a selfish, lazy bastard while reading whatever was before this paragraph, well, you can swallow your words, because I'm not complaining. I'm just thankful I'm not in some jungle making friends with the insects and wild animals...I made my choice.

I guess next week is due punishment for a week of laid back living which started monday this week. It's because my band director is only coming back from O/L tomorrow. And it's going to be ACPC pieces all over again...being in here has really improved my sight reading, because that's what we're usually doing. Nobody actually really practices the pieces, honestly. They're simple enough to sight read anyway.

It's going to be a loooooooooooong week...but better things will come. I know it.

I sit here, oily faced, with this inexplicable pain in my right thumb joint, trying to control a pimple/rash outbreak and aching from another daily set of 120...

I don't know why I even went to work today. So I took half a day off. I did two things today. Nothing, and absolutely nothing. Did I mention nothing? No wait, I said nothing. Okay, I said nothing. The only thing worth doing today was sitting in my little safe haven in the corner of the band office reading the March issue of Readers' Digest. I think its a good idea to start reading it. Got some pretty interesting stuff in these books. I still think I'm gaming too much and reading too little...I'm starting to let this brain go to waste again. wake up wake up!

Viknesh asked me why I was so downcast today. Nah, I wasn't feeling down, blue, lost, sorrowful, anguished, depressed, emotional......today. In fact I've laughed more today than I have in a few days...I think its that comedian spirit kicking in from somewhere to draw in the endorphins and cover up anything that was making me feel uncomfortable. Endorphins...I almost forgot the word.

I went to get my hair cut today. God damn bitch spent 40 minutes combing my hair more than she was cutting it. She stopped somewhere near the 20 minute mark and asked, "is this short enough?" in mandarin. I don't know if she could sense the piercing frustration I directed at her through the mirror as I replied in mandarin "no, could you make it shorter and thinner? I don't see much of a difference." God damn it, you harlot, you even spent the first minute trying to cut the hair off the back of my neck before realizing it was a lost cause and picked up the electric shaver. 40 minutes...40 minutes!! just to cut my hair short and thin it. What's so difficult? I'm not asking you to make my hair look like Elvis' or Tom Cruise'. And it cost me $12. And 40 minutes of my time. Screw it! She didn't even do a good job, for Hitler's sake. My head looks like a freaking inverted triangle. Go figure, why dontcha. Trying to turn me into a brown, short, thin Yao Ming or something. Stop converting people! You've already got more than a billion up there.

Caught a bit of 'Doomsday Clock' on the History channel today...any of you guys think I'm a nerd just because I happen to watch the History channel when something interesting's on, screw off. Well anyway, it seems we're currently '5 minutes to midnight', where 'midnight' refers to 'catastrophic destruction' occuring to the human race. The amount of time left on the clock apparently shares an inverse relation with the current degree of threats, nuclear, environmental, and technological, to the human race...so basically, 5 minutes to midnight should mean somewhere along the line of "We're this close to screwing ourselves so bad we won't live to regret it" I guess it isn't so bad because it was just 2 minutes to midnight back in 1953 when the US and Soviet Union were going all trigger happy test firing their nuclear warheads. That was around the start of the Cold War, which till now I still have little knowledge of. Ain't enough war games for PC based on the Cold War. WW2's been all the hype..

Back to band again; today there was a briefing, entailing a few events for next year, including an eye popping 3 concerts in total; one every three months starting in Feb...not forgetting the Modena trip in July...and a few other things I fail to recall because of their lack of importance, I suppose. It's going to be busy...people like Richard are dekitting already. I do envy them...but it's like my journey's just begun. Why end it now? Right now my main concern is the OCS ACPC Dining In on the 5th of Dec at SAFTI...I don't know what to expect. Maybe I'll see familiar faces like Sadil and Benedict. Benedict....hmmm. Well surprises are part of life.

I'll just wait and see what's to come.

whats to come...

I feel
This overwhelming sense of anguish
Sorrow and apprehension
Is this liberation
or is this revelation?
Is it regret?
Deluded and confused
Trapped and obscured

My heart and soul
Drawn and quartered
Shot to pieces
Process repeated

My mind aches to comprehend
What's best and what's right
Whispers in the night
They haunt me

I cannot lie
I want to cry
I need to live, yet,
I want to die

Looking into your eyes
I am lost
and instead find myself
In an endless void
Silence seems desirable
But the feeling is terrible
For words cannot speak
What I feel

Who have I become
What have I done
Just take a gun
and shoot me
It'll feel better
Ridding this world
of a monster like me

Do I deserve
What you offer
What you give
For me, you live
This wretched life
Your dreams, I fear
I cannot give

You're naive
You're mature
What difference does it make
When what I've done
Is not your fault

Will I ever understand
This gift I tossed aside
And let die
Why?
Let live
I have only myself to blame

Wallow in my shame
It's what I deserve
For giving this life
and bringing it death
One last breath
Whose is it to take?

Will it be the last time
or the first time
What does it take to try?
Faith? Humility? Submission?

Paths to take
Choices to make
All to decide
Where will I go
I can't just sit here and die

Losing something
or losing nothing
It's a difficult choice to make
A risk to take
Is it worth it?

Who am I worthy of
What makes me think
I'm made for anyone
That I deserve
Anyone's love
This shadow inside me
This heartless, merciless abomination
Is it human?
Or just me?

All this time I thought
I would make it through
and now I'm stuck in a corner
Which way to go?
One or another
Pain is sure to follow
It hunts, it stalks
It hurts, it manipulates
It destroys
Pandemonium, it enjoys

And here I am
lost
cold...so cold
No shoulder can support me
For I am not worthy
The tears have dried, I've no more
No soul can warm mine
I don't deserve anyone's kind
Is my only salvation
Divine?

My body is weak
and I ache so very deeply inside
To see
What I've become
What I am becoming
What I've let go
What I've let slide
Am I really doing
What's right?

Should it really have ended tonight?

I've been pondering over something over the past few days about something I never really came to see until now.

Faith.

Faith, apparently, is the act of believing in something with the knowledge that things will go the way you pray it will. Prayer. Communicating with a higher being to achieve inner peace in knowing that the doors will be open and all you need to do is step inside. Knowing that there will always be help no matter how hopeless the situation, how dark it seems to be all around you. That there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, the one some people find themselves to be in for the most part of their lives before they finally find a purpose for themselves. Faith is different from hope. Hope is optimism put in a more profound shell. Optimism is good, yes. But optimists do get disappointed sometimes.

What is faith? Is it just an intangible form of divine belief, or is it a source of false hope?

How many people wake up everyday, take a short moment of respite from their daily routines, to kneel or to sit in silence, and pray to God, to honour their faith and to grant them safe passage, good health for them and their friends and family, a smooth working day, immunity from worry and sorrow?

How many people were in the World Trade Center towers thinking to themselves amidst their work "I can't wait for tonight, my son's just graduated from college and we're going to have a big dinner to celebrate!" or "I do miss mum, finally she's coming down from Chicago to see us!" or "I've been so busy I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my daughter this morning. I have just the thing to surprise her tonight."......and moments later a hijacked commercial jet comes crashing into the building. If they aren't ripped to pieces by the metal shrapnel, or crushed under collapsed ceiling supports or walls, they're burned alive to the bone by the ignited jet fuel, or choked to death by the smoke. If they survive...then perhaps we can say God had saved those who believed in him. For the non-God fearing who survived, perhaps we can say it was luck.

But what about those who believed in Him, trusted Him, prayed to Him for his Mercy and Protection, who had faith in Him and his power to safeguard them and their homes...and died a tragic, horrible death?

World Trade Center attacks aside, how about those elsewhere, who learned that his father had died in a car crash, whose mother was just diagnosed with last stage cancer, whose son was in a freak accident and shattered his spine, never to walk again. How about the evil who thrive on taking the lives of others, that guy who killed a priest or holy man, who set fire to a religious building, and lives? Why do bad things happen to good people? What have they done to deserve this suffering? Why did their faith and prayers go unanswered, and were punished instead?

Why are there wars, why is there an eternal cycle of suffering and sorrow; no perfect world for everyone to live in? Because people made it that way? Because God had a reason for letting this happen?

What exactly is faith?

I fear I will never know.

disclaimer : this post was not made with the aim to sow seeds of discord or to pull people from their faith. it was merely an outlet to express the true feelings of a spiritually confused person. Please do not use this as a basis to flame me, or to start a riot, or form an angry mob outside my house. If you have something to say, say it to a mirror. The guy in it probably cares more than I do.

Back from another day out! I don't really know why, but my appetite hasn't been really good today. Yeah, I can eat, but not as much as I'd prefer. haha. I can still finish my food; its just that I don't go for seconds like I usually do.

Yesterday? What about yesterday? I had a 3 hour masterclass with Mark Latimer and damn did I learn much. I even got the chance to sight read a snare duet with him...it was daunting as much as it was fulfilling and quite invigorating. It wasn't very difficult, but I still had a few hiccups...though I can't attribute my lousy performance to the 16 degree environment and great anxiety. Come to think of it, after so many years of music making, I still can't shake the feeling of anxiety when I'm performing, be it on home ground or at a performance venue. How can I go about doing that...hmmm...Well anyway, the afternoon was used for full band. I swear my arms were hanging from my shoulders after everything ended. I've never felt that way since I've entered SAF Bands. Then again, who am I to complain, when there are people out there chionging their guts out, rifles in hand, endlessly running...

I spent an hour or so at Borders today at parkway, sitting on a comfy black leather armchair reading a book about negotiation by George Ross, one of Donald Trump's closest collaborators and advisors, and VP of the Trump Organization. I came across something I found quite interesting.

It mentioned that in a negotiation, most of the time people don't go home with what they want, due to concessions, unexpected surprises, or other things along that line. Rather, sometimes they go home with something else that they soon realize was what they really had wanted, not what they thought about before the negotiations began. And they're happy with it! this is because during that journey of discussion, they earned things along the way that more than made up for what they 'lost', or what they didn't manage to obtain as part of their original plan. Things like trust, friendship, insight and wisdom. It looks to me as though it's alright to not have what you want, because there are other things you can pick up that may act as fitting compensation.

It's important to note that during a negotiation, the objective should be to settle for something that's of mutual interest and that provides benefits to all parties in question, and not with one or more parties exclusively getting what they want at the expense of another. Makes sense. Everyone gets something in between, and more importantly, everyone's happy. Now if only all negotiations went in this direction...No tension, no wars, no dissension, no conflict. If only.

All that aside, I've set a daily goal for myself! it's to do at least 100 pushups in an unstructured format, that is, I can do as many sets as required, with as many reps as I choose. Is it too far fetched to want to look like Randy Orton within the next decade? I only wish I had more body mass to work with.

I just sent my uniforms to an army shop near st.hildas to get my new rank sewn on. Nothing to brag about la, LCP only. and a $20 increase in my allowance...would I rather have been an officer? yeah...for the money. haha. Gotta pick them up tomorrow..and go to the library to borrow a book or two!

I still remember Boon Chin's (the idiot who signed on with the army as a specialist) joke about the hungry and the homeless back in JC. "get the hungry to eat the homeless. problem solved." Damn it was as good as it was absolutely stupid. hahaha...

Gotta go do more pushups.

Today was rather refreshing...allowing me to draw on some valuable insights offered by the US Marine Band's principal percussionist, Mark Latimer. The Marine Band members arrived today accompanied by their director Col. Colburn...a rather tall, lean and ageing man with a style of conducting that rather arouses curiosity and interest rather than our DOMs'...which instead inspire a little boredom and blank, mundane routine. Mark was not too tall, ewan mcgregor-ish, medium built, friendly with the slighest hint of pride. But who am I kidding? I suck at reading people. haha. Looks as though understanding first impressions isn't really my forte. Anyway, it was humbling to be in the presence of a percussion great such as him, although he looked a little impressed and humbled by my SL's drumset technique on a couple of songs.

I took a short look at 'You Have 3 Minutes', a book by a successful Brazilian entrepreneur who managed to sell his idea to Donald Trump in just 3 minutes, and walked out with a closed deal. 3 damn minutes! that's how long it takes? that's it? So it piqued my interest...but my friend's still reading it so he's going to pass it to me, maybe tomorrow...so I can have a better look into it. Apparently the book seeks to preach the importance of making snap decisions, understanding the impact and importance of first impressions, the weight of one's intuition...and a few other factors which.....yes. I forgot, okay? haha. At least this memory's doing something for me rather than forgetting EVERYTHING i try to remember.

Lets see...I weigh approximately 119 pounds. And according from what I've read, I'd need to take in at least 1-2 grams of protein per pound of my weight to gain the muscle mass I need. Now that's around 240 grams of protein, taking the high side of the equation. And get this. A chicken breast gives you around 24grams. Imagine having to eat 10 chicken breasts in a day to meet that requirement. WHAT THE HELL!? I shoulda kept my protein powder around. That stuff gives you 120 grams in one serving, I think. That leaves only one question...where the hell am I supposed to get hold of that much meat? Chugging it is another thing. 10 chicken breasts...who are they trying to kid. haha. I gotta think this over.

I was being a moron at the lunch table today...much to everyone's amusement. I think I do a pretty good job at making a fool out of myself just to incite laughter. BUT I also think its worth it! haha. This guy named Joel from band B was at our table, and we were talking cock after finishing our food. We were talking about outdoor, and band back in secondary school and JC and stuff...so he asked me "are you from ACJC?" so I said "how would you make that connection?" and he said "well ACJC students are under Dr Lee, and produce good players, AND they do very well for SYF"................................"I'm not from ACJC" haha! no connection at all, totally. especially the SYF part...then he asked me "are you 89? (born in 1989)" so I said "gosh no I'm 19." hehehe...if stupidity was a skill I am SO close to mastering it.

So mum told me yesterday that it's confirmed we're going sunway lagoon from 20-23 December. Damn I do hate going to Malaysia. I'm going to have to carry a sharpened pencil in my pocket again so I can stab the next bored motherfucker who tries to do something even remotely undesirable. You know how those malaysian thugs are. "Eh mat, I still not full sia...you got more money for some more prata?" "don haf balls...you?" "tak de seh...we go parang someone la, k?" "steady ah, i go get my moto"..............lowlifes.

Ah well look on the bright side! I'll be shopping, and going on rides made for people half my age. How...tittilating. Sorry, been looking at too many 'Xiang' bak gua ads.

Did I ever tell you about the sharpened pencil? If you're wondering. There was this girl who was, I think, kidnapped by this guy, and it so happened she was carrying a pencil with her. So she stabbed the dickhead (no she didn't stab his dickhead. he's the dickhead.) and got away. Smart, eh? It's not necessarily a weapon, its not illegal, but can still give you a good dose of lead poisoning! serves you right.

Alright...I think I've been going on and on about the Malaysia thing for quite some time already. I don't think I've ever stopped since last year. hahaha. Bad experience. Not easy to accept people once you've formed a rather developed stereotypical view of them. I'm not one to hold grudges though! so things might change...might change. might.

Tomorrow is another long dayyyyyyyy...so I'll get back to you tomorrow. cya!

Ever felt the itching sore of an opportunity forgone? Well it sucks. hahaha...one does loathe to live with such a regrettable incident.

Colonel Colburn is coming tomorrow with the principal players, and my West Side Story is still nowhere near the standard. Sure I've got few notes to play, so why can't I perfect them yet? Not enough practice perhaps...so what have I been doing for the past month, exactly, if I haven't been practicing? hmmm...

I've been following the wrong diet, for goodness sake. I should have been taking more protein but here I am chugging down carbos like there's no tomorrow. Now here's the problem. How am I supposed to get hold of a continuous, enriching source of protein...rice is so much more readily available but they're carbos. What some of my friends said was that if I take too much carbo I'll be gaining 'fat mass' instead of 'muscle mass', which is the result of protein intake. God no I don't want to start having a belly and stuff...shall see what I can do.

Something I did today reminded me of band life back in TPJC. Joachim and I were eating calbee hot and spicy potato chips at the back while the band was tuning! We found them in a carton on the percussion riser...apparently a part of the NDP goodies we received a few months ago. I think we had a total of 4 packets today, just between the two of us. haha. A few others soon realized what they were missing and soon the carton started becoming emptier and emptier. I remember back in TPJC when Dr.Lee was tuning the band or spending countless hours working on the band's intonation, leaving the percussionists trapped in the room but free of duty...we used to eat, play cards or watch movies on my friend's ipod. yes. We had time to watch movies.

I just realized something. All this time I've been blogging and I don't remember ever having mentioned anything funny or even remotely amusing. hahaha...I'm starting to think this blog is an outlet for me to dump the days' seriousness and smile-less encounters. It didn't use to be this way, did it? Maybe that's the reason why I don't think many people come here anymore. haha.. tsk, what can I do? I'm tense, serious and cold.

ah...an opportunity forgone...now I must wait.

Another relatively tiring day...full band the whole day. Fortunately for us we were granted early fallout at around 4pm. Sight read a bunch of pieces for ACPC dining on next month at SAFTI..interesting collection. Somehow I dread performing for the ACPC...I don't know what to expect. Spent some time thinking about what could possibly happen on that night. Got distracted till I lost count hahaha. No wait, that happens all the time..

Was laughing like an idiot with my friends from lunchtime all the way till we got back up to the White House...damn I never knew putting people we know and professional wrestlers together could be so agonizingly hilarious. I felt like the two plates of rice I had at lunch were coming out.

Yeah...I'm trying to down two plates of rice from now on to fuel my weight gaining goal. Anyone think I can hit 60kg within 3 months? Well I sure hope I do because that's the weight I should be at given my height. It's not how full I feel...it's how badly I want it.

Spent the last hour or so doing up a list of financial terms with their corresponding meanings and I gotta admit I lost myself a few times there. Think I gotta ask for help from someone who actually knows something about this stuff. I think I have an idea of who to ask. Keeping yourself motivated for what you want isn't easy...but it's one of the main driving forces that keeps you going. Julian told me this morning that I'd have to get through in interview to secure a place at SMU. Damn it, I honestly have no idea how to get through interviews. No practice, no experience. Once again, I have an idea of who to ask. How badly do I want it?

Does anyone feel I've become too serious for my own good? Too serious that sometimes I could come across as aloof and cold. I don't remember myself being that way most of the time. I always thought I was that brown joker and the sight of me could tickle anyone. Don't think so. haha. Well if you ask me, being cold and arrogant is not something I want to be known for. Definitely not something I want to be part of my personality...But how do I loosen up? How badly do I want it?

The things I pursue and hope to conquer...how badly do I want it?

I'm afraid I'm going to turn into one of the many mindless ignorant fools NS seeks to create by depriving me of one the things that had been keeping me going intellectually for the past 12 years before my enlistment...school.

Sure, I can't blame NS if i'm lazy, I don't bother to read the newspaper or find a good book. It sure as hell as a good time to start, though. I feel I need a re-education. So from now onwards I'm going to do my best to learn at least one thing everyday from a reliable source.

Gotta start putting on weight too. I've been feeling and more importantly looking worryingly thin for most of my life and that changed a little after my enlistment...although after BMT I went back to being the skeleton that I had been for a long time. Funny how one should in fact gain weight when he gets into the SAF Bands. They always tell me enough time spent in there will make sure I grow horizontally whether I liked it or not. Trust me...they have no idea how much I'd like that.

Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? I'm in so many right now. Short term goals, long term goals...maybe if I want them badly enough, I'll find that light somehow. Someone once told me : "It's not a matter of 'can or cannot'. It's whether you WANT it or not." I try to live by that everyday now.

I still regret not being able to get a silver for IPPT that day. I reminded myself of that quote continuously before taking the test and did well for the static stations, but somehow I didn't manage to make it for the run...I stopped, I threw up, and couldn't go on. God that redbull tasted horrid coming out.

Digressing...goals are important not because they are an ending point for people; somewhere to work towards and then you can just stop what you're doing just because you've met those goals. You have to keep going to improve yourself and bring those goals to higher levels if you want to be a real achiever. Goals can make or break you...they can be motivators once met, or they can crush your spirits if they're not. Whatever it is...I remember a saying from Rocky Balboa : "It's not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit, and stand up and continue fighting" or something along that line. If everyone lived by this mindset then they would be a whole lot stronger both mentally and physically.

Re-education.....help me find my goals...and my sanity.

Fresh Start

Anyone who's observant enough to notice would know I just changed my blogskin...lol.

No real reason why I changed; I just wanted something refreshing...something I felt I needed to do in this reformation of myself.

OKAY that's all I'm just posting this to remind you that MY BLOGSKIN HAS CHANGED

It's been another tiring week of full band, full band and more full band...Yesterday was a whole damn day of Celebration, and mind you the mood was nowhere near celebratory. 500+ bars with CPT Tan and he had this habit of stopping every few bars to go through things we could touch up with IP. But what can I say...concert is coming. Then again, rehearsals are not for supervised individual practice.

And today? Cappadocia (literal translation from the Japanese name of the song, which actually meant Elves hiding under some rocks or something like that like wtf right.) was bullying me on the toms. Five of them. West Side Story had its way with me with four mallets and a big ass marimba with mallet rotations that never fail to drive me nuts during every rehearsal. But it wasn't as bad today as it was before. Looks like all that practice worked for me. Not enough, apparently.

Colonel Colburn and a few godlike musicians from the President's Own Marine Band are coming over next Tuesday onwards to rehearse with us for the upcoming concert. Damn it's going to be stressful performing with a percussion god standing within the vicinity. I gotta tell ya, their uniforms are some awesome stuff. Colonel Colburn's concert dress makes the other DOMs' outfits look like well...they aren't even there. haha. I wonder how much I'll be able to learn from the Marine Band percussionist. Sorry I forgot his name...haha. 3 second memory still part of me.

Thankfully I could take half day off today...was so tired. Can't wait till tonight. I'm going to sleep with a vengeance.

But enough about band...time to look forward to things which can actually make me feel good inside! like JEFF DUNHAM videos. yeah I might be a little on the slow side but watching these vids always crack me up. Especially the Walter and Peanut ones. You guys gotta check it out if you've got the time. BEGONEEEEEEEEEE SATANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! okay that's just me.

I was thinking of changing my uni course but I don't know if I should go through with it. I was thinking of switching to NTU's Bachelor of Business while majoring in Banking and Finance or the Bachelor of Accountancy degree...not even going to look at the double degrees. Yeah I know, what's a guy like me doing studying Business? All this time I thought I was made for engineering but after some thought, I did realize some flaws in my choice. Engineers are underpaid in Singapore, their job scopes are not likely to be classified as anywhere near exciting or interesting, and well...it just seems pretty damn boring per se. Maybe I should ask around and seek some insight before pondering my options. Afterall, I've got a loooooong time to think before I make my decision.

I think you guys have noticed that my standard of english has dropped drastically since I'd graduated from school...must be the lack of forced reading and blogging since my enlistment. I've somehow begun to feel inferior while trying to bring my point across or express myself, whether verbally or in words (i know there's a one word substitute for 'in words' but I forgot. see what I mean?) I never knew I could lose touch with my first (and most of the time, only) language so easily. I thought people only got rusty with stuff like math and science. How wrong I was.

I've also noticed that since graduation I've been becoming increasingly lazy to read up on stuff. Gone were the days where I spent hours staring at the computer screen reading through endless tabs of information off Wiki (although not all that information may have been correct, but it works for me.) and filling my mind with ever more knowledge than I'd prefer...but it did feel wholesome at the time. It just seems like a damn chore now. Gotta make it a habit again to fuel my curiosity whenever it itches under my skin.

Anyways, do you guys think the font on my blog is too small? or is it just because I've been playing psp too much and my eyesight hasn't been getting any better...I just can't really seem to see what exactly I'm posting sometimes. Maybe I should start looking for a new blogskin...hmmm.

Khairul is lazy and he wants to change but it seems difficult right now...

It's been another week...you know, everytime I think of saying I'm tired or something similar, I think of where I am now and I feel I don't have the right. haha. So I won't. Life's been good here and I really appreciate the fact that I got to where I am now, so I shouldn't complain!

Tomorrow is COG at the Istana...with Central Band being the main band (I think it always is, since we only do it twice a year...tomorrow's the second.) Just a joywalk from Heeren to the Istana with the MP Provost unit. Damn those guys are awesome. Silent Drill is always so cool.

I gotta go pick out an outfit for ROD soon..I still have no idea what I should wear. A shirt and smart pants? I'm not going to FC again that's for sure...I was thinking of trying Zara but GOD KNOWS if I have that kind of money to spend there.

I won't ask God anyway. He probably won't tell me. haha. Condemn the non-believers! He has not been to the mosque for months! And the last time he did it was forced!! I'm going to Hell, aren't I? hehe.

Jeff Dunham has been my continual source of entertainment this week...his acts just drive me nuts. It's great to have a laugh once in a while especially when you're down. It isn't difficult to find happiness. You just gotta look in the right places, that's all. I also managed to catch a couple of episodes of Charlie the Unicon. Good heavens that was a waste of my time...chaaaaaaaaaarlieeeeeeeeeee....chaaaaaaaaaaaaaarlieeeeeeeeeeeee!!! god damn it.

I think I'm going to spend Tuesday reversing the names of everyone in Central Band and pronouncing them backwards to keep myself amused.

Alright! gonna take a bath and go out now. catch ya guys later...my neighbour's kid is making a hell of a lot of noise outside...bitch. oops, did i say that? =x