What's happened...We got that far and then it all just stopped. I can't remember the last time we spoke as brothers, or the last time we looked at each other the same way. It's like everything just changed before either of us, or I, at least, could do anything. It was only last year when everything was looking so good, where we worked together, played together. I actually felt comfortable that time. But it seems in just over a few months everything just faded. I don't even recognize you anymore, man. It's like you're a totally different person. I bet other people have thought this way too, or is it just because I'm being too sensitive? I've lost a lot of people but I never would have expected you to be one of them. The people I chose as my friends were far more than who I really have with me today. And just a while ago you just left that circle. Maybe it's our differences, maybe its just the people we'd prefer to hang out with, maybe its just the image we want to exude to other people, that's why this distance between us came about. We used to be a team, but now it seems we're working as individuals. We used to have the same mindset, but now it seems...we're going in different directions altogether. I thought I had your support. But how quickly things change. And now I'm doing this alone.

Where have you gone my brother?

Feeling the need to blog again, and still I stand reluctant to 'upgrade' to the newer version of Blogger. Since I'm already so used to this one, why change? Better to be familiar with the stuff now...other than that, I'm just too lazy.

Went for band today at 9:30..all the way to 6 plus. Mostly slacking the whole day lah. If there were a day in this week to pon band, it would be today. But I had to do it yesterday, and tomorrow they're doing lots of sectionals and combine so I don't wanna miss out. The attendance is still...erm...uncomfortably low and I bet there are a lot of other zeros in the attendance book besides on my column for these few weeks. I just can't bring myself to feel better about being in the band. But I always do feel better cracking jokes with my friends and making the music that I went there for. I guess that's my only motivation for going for practices. I think it'll stay that way, whether it's good or bad.

I gotta start working on the solo I've promised Sufi and the others. I swear I've almost got it done, well at least the snare part. But I don't really have the time to work it out this week, even though its 'due' on Saturday. I'll have to find a way then. Most of the time when I write a solo it comes out all wrong. But I have a strong feeling this time it's going to be okay. I can't get it wrong all the time, can I?

Stokes havent been getting any better for me and my traditional grip isn't improving. The american style of playing is completely different from anything I've learnt and quite frankly I find it difficult to adopt. I hope I can cope with learning this new skill while expanding my musical horizons...I want to pass this down to the percussionists as well. Traditional grip by 2010 was what I told them...I want to make that happen. But I can't just make it happen without teaching them the proper foundations first. As to that, I am still lost. haha. I wish I could seek someone for help or something...like anyone would have a sound knowledge of that here in Singapore. I just wonder. Who could share this keen interest of mine? The thing is, I don't just want to play like american marching drummers, as in make the same music in the same way that they do. I want to truly understand the deeper facts about this style and how to really bring out its potential. If only I knew anyone who could teach me. oh well.

haha I guess everyone has dreams that cannot be fulfilled, as they know it. For me, it's being in a drum corp. Laugh as you may...that's what I really want. Well, other than saving lives. haha.

ahh...today's been a better day. Besides the fact that somebody impersonating huifang tagged my board today...haha. What a lamearse. But I wont say anything about it...that infantile sodomite isn't worth my finger strength.

I'll see you guys!

Recovered from the flu today thank Heavens I do detest the flu. It's been getting to me again and again and again and quite frankly I'm damnit sick of it. Well today's a better day...I suppose.

I came up with a new drumline cadence today after listening to a few clips on youtube. Though most of what I've written is totally original...took me quite a while to think out the rhythm and stuffs...Should be ready by this saturday. Not that anyone other than the percussionists would appreciate it though. I wonder how this one will fall through.

Seems O levels are over. Bless them all with fun and joy; they deserve it. After all the long months of studying...it's all come to an end. I still remember the day of my last O level paper...it was just like yesterday. Kinda reminds me of how time goes by so very fast, without waiting for you to delve deeper into thoughts of how your lived for the past year. Everything that happened to me this year just seems to go by in a blazing flash. I can see everything. Everything.

*laughs*...I do realize that the source of my bitterness lies somewhere very close to my heart and it tears me apart to understand that what I hold dear is the one that is doing this to me. I feel...emptiness, though my resolve has carried me forward from the beginning of this fall till today. My heart will always remain with what threatens to sour it now. It's become a part of me that I feel...I can never let go. Well every little thing that goes by, every negative emotion that comes along...I have to dispel it quickly before it becomes the foundation for others to see it as an attention magnet. No, it's not. How quickly words can be realized as false premises.

I got an unknown call today on my handphone and as with other unknown numbers, I refused to pick it up. Turns out it was Syafiq calling from god knows where and I don't care. Seems I'm in the creative band competition. Definitely. Anything band related, I'm in. Though I find his cold jokes very unamusing.

*sigh*...this cold and unforgiving feeling.

Today was an okay day. Woke up at 6am to go to PY. The band and drumline performed at Ngee Ann poly today, for some minister of state guy and a whole lot of other high society people. Apparently most of them didn't know how to appreciate a good drumline performance like this one, even if it wasn't spectacular. The PY VP and principal and those related loved it though. I liked it too. It's a big feat since we got guys from other sections inside. Really gotta hand it to them. The hard work put in for this performance was immeasurable.

Damn, my spelling is a little off today. I actually stopped to recall how to spell two simple words.

After band went to play soccer with the guys, and 4 girls...sharifah, aqidah, jiafeng and chelsea who came much later. The sun was frickin blazing today man. And I was wishing that it wasn't raining in bedok while I was in NP. Must've heard my cries and set the sun on full blast. But despite that it was really fun. Scored 2 or 3 today, which was...sort of a low compared to past times. Yeah, those great times at opera estate there. Too long ago. Seems...awkward to be thinking of those times now. I kinda feel much more comfortable with everyone now, especially the ones with whom I played soccer with this afternoon.

And yes, I can do the Casey Claw and Hulka Helicopter now. Not on snare though. On a table or floor and stuff. haha. taught a few others the trick. They all seem to like it. Especially asyraf. Keep practicing people. It ain't that hard. haha.

Today felt...a little awkward in places. haha. Second time I've used awkward in this post. Not a common thing. Well, some things are not meant to be said or revealed...and I don't expect that to change now. In my case...haha...well, a lot of things need to be kept inside. Things change here and there, feelings move around faster than you can expect and have no chance of controlling...sometimes the joy I get can be immediately broken by something else. Perhaps...happiness is in short supply for me this time. I used to always want to go back to the past to change things. Make my life better, or so I thought. But now I realized that neither the past nor the present is good enough a vision for me...so I shall patiently wait for the future to reveal my fate. Yeah, there were good times...really really good times. I want those back, but nothing can change.

euphoria of the past, bitterness of the present, fear for the future.

i'm back to blog...just for the sake of updating so that my blog doesn't go dead, well, besides the faithful readers who tag on my board. Just had a tiff with my mum, you know, one of those short moments where an argument breaks out and then when I win one round she picks something else to shoot me with...this continues till she wins, of course, and I'm forced to shut up. Well, I can't blame her...some things she said are true, but sometimes she's just plain unreasonable. ahh...must ren...must ren. I dun wanna sour things at home.

Back from class chalet yesterday. Did a lot of things there, xbox gaming, pool, night cycling and stuff. Wah the night cycling ah. I remember clearly one of the things I said. "I used to think night cycling rocks. It sucks big time man!!! I think I've got bruises on my ass!" *laughter from everyone* night cycling once in a while is cool, man. Too many times and you'll have to hop over to surgery for a butt transplant. Set off for ECP at 1:30, reached ECP mac at 3:30 then had breakfast there at 4...then headed back to the chalet at downtown east at around 4:45. Reached there about 6:50 - 7:00. Not very tiring leh. haha. Feel kinda refreshed, besides the fact that my shirt was drenched in perspiration and I was dying to take a bath. haha. Thank goodness I was third to bathe in the morning. Boon and SK beat me to it first haha. By the way, Gin tastes like soap damnit. lol.

Drumline's having a performance at Ngee Ann Poly tomorrow morning. God bless them all. I hope, no, I know everything's going to go smoothly. Of course! Cuz I'm not in it this time. haha. Damn I sucked that day I filled in for Tahir. Complete and utter embarrassment man. Yeah, snare's my thing, but people would just think that's an excuse. oh well.

My room is a mess and I don't really know what to do with it. Next week I'm having a band camp the entire week...not staying over though that's a relief. But still damn sian. No choice ba.

I think that's all I can think of right now. Spending so much time with my classmates kinda had an effect on me. I kinda miss them now. haha. see ya.

The first thing I saw before I clicked the 'New Post' sign was something that told me to switch to the newer version of Blogger...I was just too lazy to bother. Read through it a couple of times and decided that it wasn't worth my time. Yeah, and DotA is, eh? For now, hell yes it is! hahaha. I've been playing that since about 6pm and now it's time for my little break. i was just so bored so I decided to update my blog, since it's been dead for the past few days.

Well I think I should start by cursing mathematics...or right now, statistics. Screw Bernoulli and his trials! Screw Binomial and Poisson distributions! Screw stats!!!! ahhh forget it. It's something I gotta learn even though I hate it so much. I feel maths in JC is just so pointless in what it imparts to us. I see absolutely no point of learning something that's of no direct use to me!

Oh well. Playing games isn't too, right? But it's all in the enjoyment. Temporary satisfaction, someone said to me. Well if it makes me happy, why not? haha. It teaches you things that you don't really see at first, too. But I won't say how. People gotta find out by themselves, you know?

Well cy's asking me to go karaoke again but I just can't make it. It's been this way for the past few weeks. I can't really remember when was the first time I went to kbox. But I have the urge to sing again. But this week I'm tied up with my class chalet, and on the other days, the poor poly guy has school so well, yeah. Too bad, I guess.

I watched Wimbledon this morning while having prata for breakfast...I only watched the ending part, but damn was it nice! Quite an adrenaline rush watching them play. I'm actually starting to think Kirsten Dunst is pretty, too. haha. I never used to think that way. The first time I remember seeing her was in Spiderman 2. But she looked a whole lot better in Wimbledon, I must say.

Bah, I've really not much to say already, besides seeing a certain someone in pe attire with her hair down on friday. gosh. hahaha. I'll see you guys around then.

[man...this feels funny. haha.]

I quit my Call of Duty 2 game just now after about half an hour of playing...it all just seems to be getting to me, suddenly. At one point everything just started to slow down and I had this really really bad feeling inside, like I was in a bad dream, or something like that. Everything revolving around me, "German Infrantry!" "Kill those Fascists!" "Give me some cover I need to reload!" and those pixelized comrades getting shot and blown up. I never knew that after all these years of being desensitized to killing these fictitious enemies, my heart would finally give out today. I just wanted to stop everything, stop the killing, stop seeing the dying, all the bullets whizzing past. When I first felt like this I thought ah, it was nothing. But with every bullet fired every head hit scored, every german I blew up with a grenade, perforated with MG42s, hearing the dying moments, stopping at a squirming body to shoot him and make sure he's dead before he pulls out his Luger to shoot me; the screams of pain and death.

It's just a game, but it's damn hell getting to me. War is a terrible thing, and I feel ashamed to have been part of one, whether real of fictitious.

Today was fun...went for band from 9 to 5. the band played pop songs, and practiced a few concert songs. Can say improving a lot. They must really put in effort into practicing during sectionals and such...congas are starting to be my liking.

Well yesterday samantha came over to my house after her studying thing with yong zhen and jaslyn...i think. Met downstairs, went for bubble tea...stupid me offered to buy her a drink. Dumb me blurted out the name of the most ex one. Mocha ice blend. 2 bucks. and I was the one drinking it most of the time lah! i hate coffee. haha. oh well. damn lame la she. Hang out with her ah, can go crazy. if not become stupid. hahaha. but must thank her lah...free entertainment. haha.

I am just feeling so sleepy now. haha. today was a really tiring day. I was stinking like wad when I came home. Despite that I played com before bathing though. I think I'm going to go to bed soon, but I don't really want to. Because after this fitful night of sleep...comes a day...where I have...TUITION. for goodness sake, tuition on a sunday. What a wonderful way to spoil such a day. sunday is a day for slackers like me to wallow in comfort and bask in entertainment and the like....not for staring at words and numbers, reading through maths notes that seem to be full of Greek, Russian and a little Mongolian, rather than English. I actually told my teacher that and he agreed that some maths stuffs are stupid, lame, and not worth learning, but like everyone else; it's gotta be done. He was actually the typical student, skipping lectures sometimes, not doing tutorials. But of course he got back onto the right track. Oh well.

I seem to be changing in the fact that I prefer to go home alone nowadays rather than with people. One reason (or excuse, as you may have it), is the fact that I am a horrible conversationalist. People who go home with me would most likely hear nothing from me, at least till I think hard enough to come up with something to say to break the silence. I've only myself to blame for that I suppose. Another reason is the freedom of space, where I get to sort out my thoughts in absolute peace without another person cutting in at the wrong time. What thoughts? I dunno. anything, I guess. Shaking off thoughts I deem improper to ponder, then going back to a state of mind where everything is blank and I just stop thinking. Staring at landmarks helps. Anything. Grass, signboards...just to get my mind off something. How long would it take for something like this to consume me fully? I cannot let this happen...whatever it is.

well, sorry for the senseless blabbering once again. I'm off...

I had a really weird experience just now. I was playing Call of Duty 2...you know, world war 2, fighting the nazi germans what whatnot. What got to me was that moment where I was on the top of this silo of a farmhouse with a sniper rifle, with two of my squadmates beside me. It was the end of the waiting time for reinforcements, and sherman tanks were closing in from and over the hedgerows. So the german troops retreated. There was this one guy who was running away on a long road. Alone. Perfect target huh? So I shot him once. He fell to the ground, but got up and started limping away. Then I shot him again. This time he fell to the ground, but still wasn't dead. He was crawling away this time...so I shot him again. In the head this time. And as that bullet spun its way into his skull I heard him scream in agony...for the last time.

3 shots to end a life.

World War Two was a total disaster. If it wasn't for that sonofabitch Hitler, millions of people could've kept their lives just as they had been granted them. But from what I learnt, Hitler was abused as a child, and was from a poor family. One cold winter night he was out in the cold, while he saw two Jewish men in thick coats and tall hats, warm and happy. I think that was the point where his hatred for the Jews began. It was just coincidence that the couple of Jews he saw were those coming from more well off families, probably working for the government. Ah, it's usually this kind of thing leads to the individual developing thoughts we deem insane.

On the other hand, Hitler's troops, or rather, the majority of them in the german army called the Wehrmacht, were conscripted from the countries that he had taken over over the duration of his conquest. Poles and the like. None of them had wanted this war. And none of them had wanted to fight. A good example is on June 6th 1945, D-Day, where Allied Expeditionary Forces 'invaded' the Normandy beaches of France to begin their liberation of Europe from Hitler's clutches...the Atlantic Wall, as it was called, which was Hitler's main defense against the invasion, was stretched for miles across the Normandy coast. And manning those walls were machine gunners and a whole lot of troops dug in in trenches at the top of the cliffs outlying the coast. Thing is, most of those manning the Atlantic Wall were conscripts who were not even German! the only reason they had the heart to fire down on the American, Canadian and British troops landing on the beaches was because in every machine gun bunker and trench, there would most certainly be a German officer with a Luger in his hand...aimed at the machine gunners. Do or die.

So how is it that we seek and derive pleasure in playing games such as these, battling the Nazi War Machine...which was made up of so many unwilling troops forced into battle of the Germans, by the Germans? We're most likely shooting down people we're supposed to save in the first place. Of course, these 'enemies' in the games are made such that they're to resemble that of pure bred German troops, who never faltered in their determination to fight and almost always came back for more, in bigger numbers than before.

I wonder if that guy I shot down from the top of the silo was German. From the way he struggled to escape, I can say he most certainly was not.

It's like in a blink of an eye 11 months have gone by. Ever stopped to think about all the things that happened this year...and how you would remember them? Don't ask me. I don't think I did. Maybe I will. soon.

As you guys can see I've got a new blogskin...don't ask why I chose this theme. haha. Just being me.

yeah, nothing much to say today. it's only been like 3 hours since I woke up, so I guess nothing much interesting happened to me then, besides playing DotA.

signing off.