*yawnnnn*...ahhhh...today I damn lazy. No lah, actually just damn tired. Remember I said there was an esplanade full dress rehearsal yesterday?

yup. I went to school at 7:30am in the morning. We shifted everything down and by the time we left it was around 9am. The whole day at the esplanade was practically waiting. Cuz apparently got alot of technical problems and stuff, and each CCA had a scheduled time to practice on stage...When I got on stage for the first time and looked up at the seating areas I was like...wow...so this is how it feels like. Contrary to recent thought, the stage was very cramped and the tiers were very limited in space for each. probably due to the over-sized, over-functionality chairs and stands. Damn, the stands were as heavy as rocks and had these lamps attached to them...cool, sort of.

Well, during the waiting times we were supposed to be in this dressing room, segregated by sex, god knows why. 

But most of the time there were a few groups [yes, TPJC band is apparently made up of many groups] moving around the esplanade taking their own private tours of the place. I must say, the inside of esplanade [really inside. the inner inner areas] look like a damn hospital. Exactly like a hospital. You should check it out someday (well, if you're given access, actually). And it seems as if the inner areas were like mazes. Even people like me would get lost without signs to show the way. hey. I don't get lost easily okay. I have good sense of direction =)

Okay, bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda, and my bumblebee was lousy yesterday. Bloody vibes keys so small. And of course, that, in everyone else's view, is a sad excuse to hide my inability. Well, it's true. More practice for me, I know.

And by the time everything ended and we were loading stuff back up the truck and getting into our buses, it was, well, hallelujah. 10:15pm. heh heh. trapped in the durian for more than twelve hours. Some experience that was. And did I mention...in the loading bay, everyone saw something truly jaw-dropping. Seated at the back was a black Lamborghini Gallardo. OH MY F*** GOD. It really made me stutter. My friend could only understand what I was saying when he followed the direction of my outstretched hand toward the beauty. And boys will be boys; we took pics of it with our phones, and I got some up-close ones. The guys from other CCAs, while walking out to the main road, had their eyes pulled towards the car, and they, too, took pictures and let out surprised and awe-inspired cries...haha. quite an experience. I've seen too few lamborghinis in singapore...and the one I saw yesterday just took all the lethargy away. Funny how material things can instill confidence in a person...give him drive and motivation.

I won't go to that. Or I'll start the impressionism again -.-"

Okay recent updates tell me that I got 18/40 for my compre and 20/50 for my compo (well, fuck.) ...95/200 for chinese (freakin sub-pass? -.-") ...74.5/120 or physics (damnit I wanted an A.)

greaaattt...all that doesn't make me feel any better. Just shows I'm not doing as well in school as I used to. time to fuckin buck up. -.-" Spending two years in JC just to get the damn degree and a good grade in GP...why the fuck do I need maths, chem and physics to get a place in Law in NUS for...I can't relate everything to anything and that unnerves me the most. A year and a half more. But first, short term goal = do WELL for promos.

Time to make mum happy again. That's the only way I get the freedom I want. And how did freedom ever begin as a reward? Forget it. Talking about it is just going to make me dislike my mum more.

I don't like that.

 Here to blog again, out of sheer boredom. I've been home since 10:30 and I gotta go back to school at 5:30 later -.-" managed to rush out my econs report which is apparently due at 5.00pm today. who gives a damn? going to hand it in at 5:30 later...well, I didn't actually do most of it. Just copied and pasted it from some website very closely related to my report...Who's to feel bad about it? I still havent gotten back my econs results due to the fact that I ponned the lesson just now...apparently the teacher had wanted us to stay back after our chem paper just to go through the paper -.-" and tomorrow I sort of skipping school cuz of the esplanade rehearsal...damnit. Sometimes it just gets too much.

-________-"

HOLY SHIT! I just realized that I did the wrong godamnit question for the econs project...aaarrrghhhhhh...and the real one is much longer than i expected. How am i supposed to rush this out in an hour or so. Oh what the heck. See you guys...off to do it now.

Oh, and did I mention I'm going to fail my chem exam TOO? great...you must love me.

cheers

 Finally I can confidently say that I've finished studying...all chapters for the chemistry exam tomorrow. Now my aim is not only to pass but to do well too. I want to get at least a B. An A would certainly throw me into an adrenaline-busting fit. Apparently my Need for Speed most wanted has not been working because it keeps crashing. Need to fix that. and to do that, I need my CD...crap. I guess i'm gonna have to wait another month or two to get that back since zach wants to borrow it.

Yes, I want a new computer too...and fast. This one is not fulfilling my needs as a mainstream gamer...seems the only things this is good for is surfing the net and playing lame games from the past. How long would it take to get me 1.5k to build my new computer...perhaps cheaper since i've found a way to cut costs =]

okay, springfield didn't move back today. It was both a huge relief and a minor disappointment; the latter being because I had the whole of last night on my bed and this morning after I finished my maths paper to think about a menacing speech to deliver to james tan. Oh, and did I mention I only used 3 out of 8 sheets of paper provided for the maths paper? Yup. It's failsville for me this time. Just couldn't make it in time. Going for maths tuition starting this Sunday. mum's arrangements...okay, back to the Titans thing. A huge relief, it is. Somehow this event has inspired some hope in me that the Titans would have until much later till the splitting day. Does this really mean that that wretched animal james tan still has some dignity and humanity left in his soul? Or maybe the spf management thought of a better way to seek out their political needs. Nobody knows. All we know is that the Titans are not moving...

for now...

Today was a lazy day, with only two hours spent in school and the rest of the day being one third study, two thirds completely rotting at home. No motivation to touch the piano today...though I played some o2jam. Okay, I know that's not a good excuse. O2 jam and piano is so so so different...trust me. I had two slices of pizza and three drumlets from the pizza hut dinner I ordered yesterday for lunch and it was not very filling I must say. Chang yuan came over today too. Apparently he was just lazing around. I let him play one or two songs on o2 jam and that seemed to satisfy him. it seems he was just intent on coming over and stoning at me as I used the computer. I mean, talk to me, for goodness sake. That's why you walked a few hundred steps here for. Well, we shared some stuff about ourself, and quite frankly I wasn't interested in it...we don't seem to talk much these days. Must be because of the bumpy road we all traversed over the past year. Things change...and so do people.

Well, I guess you can't expect everyone to stay the same way as you'd remembered them.

Such things pull at your heartstrings sometimes. You feel as if you'd lost someone. Especially if that person had been very close to your before. I can't imagine the feeling. Maybe I'd felt it before. I don't have the energy to reach deep down and find the answer right now...Now I just feel like slacking. haha. I've about half an hour left till bed time from now...and the 10pm curfew, as always, makes my blood boil. Another household paradox...That's my family for me I guess. Things don't change until something big happens and knocks some sense into them. And I always fall in the middle, neither to benefit nor to lose.

Like a mouse scurrying around in a battlefield. Perhaps not that intense, I suppose.

Homework? Nah, I haven't touched. I've even forgotten what homework I'd been given before the start of the holidays. Pays to be organised most of the time.
Sometimes when you find the inspiration to pack up your room, things you'd never thought existed surface, and things you always see lying around disappear into the recesses of drawers and cupboards...only to be unearthed again soon later. It's a vicious cycle, I tell you. Maybe just for me, I think.

Okay, I think this post is starting to bore you. Should I stop here?

I read your thoughts.

Cheers.

 apparently I made my mum angry this morning about mentioning to her that I was going to go th PY today [ which I'm not since they are not moving today =) ]...she said

"Why so kaypoh? It's none of your business already what?"

"Hey, I've been making it my business for the past year. Why can't you just let me be?"

"Eh. Don't be rude okay."

Fuck, you haven't seen how rude I can really get. What is it that you don't understand. See lah. I told you you should have watched that MOE thing yesterday. Then you will understand and realize that EVERY TEEN HAS A DREAM. and that dream, for me, lies in the Titans band. It's my passion and I love being there. So why the fuck can't you just let me be? What have you got to lose by letting me go for band? You don't have to pay, you still have me around in the evening, I still spend weekends at home most of the time. 

After all these years I still can't understand why she won't let me have the simplest freedom to go for band back at PY although I've already graduated. I didn't join the Alumni for nothing, you know. And even if I hadn't, that place would still be every bit as special to me as it is now. The band is where I learned character, respect, determination, undying resolve, where I sharpened my skills, made lifelong friends and experienced the unimaginable. Where else can you get that stuff?

Like what a mum of a french horn player from TK band said last night on tv:

"Winning competitions, learning new skills, gaining character...it's just something we cannot give."

I wish my mum was as supportive as this. She has no idea what I stand to gain from being with this band and with the Alumni. There's just so many things that I've picked up, learned and applied throughout these years. I meet great people like mr poh, who, although should be concentrating solely on studying in school, makes time to work at bandworld, organising events, and come for band to build up our standard. He's really something, I must tell you. Bringing up the band singlehandedly from nothing to something in a matter of years, and he's just twenty years old. The youngest conductor in Singapore to achieve two gold medals in a row. I cannot imagine the sacrifice he had conceded for so long. Too long for others, but for him, it's just part and parcel of a man growing into excellence.

I really don't know why. hmmm...maybe I should just rebel one day to show her that she can't dictate my life now. I'm already sixteen godamnit. What can I do to get the freedom I deserve?

God knows.

 I spent about an hour from around 11am just now reading through my maths guide book for my exam TOMORROW...words and numbers that just didn't register in my head. Yes, I could've started earlier, but what for if I don't understand a single thing that's going on?

fg(x) exists when the range of g is a subset of the domain of the domain of f...
So the range of g is 7. and the domain of f is 2. Thus the range of g is a subset of the domain of f and fg(x) exists.

WHAT THE HELL!? SINCE WHEN IS 7 A SUBSET OF 2? isnt it the other way around... WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Yup. you guys could imagine the sordid look on my face when I went through that merciless collection of advanced maths...I loved maths in secondary school and sorry to say I can't say the same in JC. It'll kill you. Really. It will. Maths is tomorrow...and Chemistry is on tuesday.

So that means I have the rest of today and a little of tomorrow to study both subjects... -.-"

Describe my impression of these two subjects in one word?

FLUNK.

okay, enough about all that stuff...yesterday after the band was dismissed...for the last time...me qz farzana and chen pei went to eat at sumo house. Met the majors [wei siang, andrew, boo keong, joseph and norman] there...norman and wei siang were our pool buddies after lunch. My playing was lousy yesterday lahh (was it ever good in the first place?) but personally I think pool is fun. Though it's kinda too slow of a game for me. prefer street soccer...muahahaha...soccer is the greatest! I found out later that most of the percussionists and alot of the usual malay guys in the band went to ECP to hang out and play like they always did. Damnit, I wish I was there with them. It was kind of a special day anyway. And most of the percs were there too. Damn wasted.

Ok i'm sorta out of words to put in here. The last fifteen seconds were spent pondering on what to write next.

*thinking...*

*still thinking.....*

Oh yah...any percussionists who want the pics from me from yesterday...you know, the drums and everything. Msg me...I got too many. lol. Plenty to send around.

Alas, my dreams remain broken. Time to build a new one. And I think that opportunity is not too far away...because the Titans spirit still lives on within me. Forever a marching percussionist...forever a Titan.

cheers.

The final day has gone by. And this is how it all ends. 6 years of history. Gone.

I look down...and I see tears rolling down carmen's face.

"I never thought I'd see this look on your faces. Never in this past year."

And though I was speechless, the looks on their faces broke my heart. The Titans family...the Titans drumline, the Titans percussion...ended today. 24th June 2006. Everything we built up from the year 2000, gone. In an instant. 

Never did I ever imagine that it would end this way.

Oh God, I'm still speechless, yet my heart remains empty, and my soul yearns for a miracle.

Those I used to see so much every other day, I won't see anymore. The music we used to play together...no more. The Titans uniform we used to wear, loud and proud...The pride it instilled in us, such a simple form of motivation; motivation in the threads of red, white and blue, the colours that struck fear in the hearts of other bands, and inspired others to be like us...The uniform is gone.

T-I-T-A-N-S Marching Band...ends here.

Two months ago I remembered a moment in the canteen in the evening, a talk with all the percussionists after their SYF competition...22nd May. The Golden Day.

"Today, my dream ends."

What was I saying? Today, on 24th June 2006, my dream ends here. And so does many others'. I just can't stand to see the looks on some of the members' faces.

I cannot bear to see the pain hidden in their joyous eyes. The sorrow buried in their hearts. It tears me apart, just like how this once happy family was torn apart in an instant.

I just feel so empty. so very empty, so very alone. So lonely. Like something inside me had been torn out. My soul is dark.

Titans...if you are reading this.

Though those you hold dear seem to be gone, the Titans spirit still lives on. Remember that. Although we are separated by distance the fire still roars bright and very much alive in our hearts, the Titans cheers remain replayed..over and over again, deep down in our souls. We sleep, we dream. But then, it is not a sin to dream. Dreams can come true if we can muster the courage to pursue them. Don't stop dreaming, don't ever stop believing. Because I...the Alumni and I all believe in you guys, both ping yi and springfield. Don't ever give up.

As I had said to the percussionists today...

"I know some of you might think...After today, everything we had accomplished in the past 6 years, well don't say the past 6 years. The past year. The SYF period. Everything had been wasted. But let me tell you this. Never, never ever give up. Because it is only when you give up that everything you've done is wasted. Don't let us down, don't let yourselves down. We are always behind you. Work hard."

Never ever give up...that was our attitude for the past years...and it was what made us strong enough to reach where we are today. But alas, the wind of authority blasts us back down the mountain which we took 6 years to climb. And we are back in square one.

But that is not the challenge. The challenge is that...

Some of those you've climbed that rugged, risk-laden mountain with, are gone. You don't see their faces, you don't feel their hard breath next to you, you don't hear their footsteps, which you've learnt to identify after being with each other for so long. But yet you feel the urge to climb again. Do you know what inspires you?

Their faces. Their smile, their laughter, their kind, encouraging words. Their childish gimmicks that tickle you all the time, even if repeated. The things you used to do together. The words you used to say together...and most of all, the music you used to make together.

All that...infused within your soul, burned into your mind.

Then you know what spurs you forward.

...

Titans Drumline, if any of you are reading this...I just want to tell you.

I love you guys, really. From the bottom of my heart. It's been an honour teaching you and training you, and especially having fun with you. I really can't bear to let you go. I can't bear to see you guys in this state, but you must be strong. For me, for syafiq, for shane, for all the percussion alumni. Most importantly, for yourself. Everything you've accomplished up to this day, is mostly due to your hard work and selfless dedication. I'm proud of you guys. I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything to let you guys be together just a while longer...I guess I can only blame myself. I want to see the day where you meet each other again in the National Stadium in 2008, not as enemies of competition, but as old friends, blood brothers and sisters. Titans.

Please promise me, that you guys won't give up.

I really love you guys...

Till next time, keep the tears, hide the sorrow. The Titans spirit still lives on.

 Hallelujah once more, and the Heavens have granted me a full day at TPJC tomorrow with Panorama's first full dress rehearsal. Thank god I bought the outfit already, but I was very much hoping to go for band at PY, thinking that the rehearsal would only last half a day. Don't know if that hope could stand for very long though. What worries me is that I won't be able to perform because of my lack of practice (funny, this seems the same way for TPJC practices) furthermore its the final week of the Titans and even though the performance isn't something grand or prestigious, I want to make it the best I can give.

Study is another problem, with distractions clouding the holiday air...it's already the last week. Time flies when you're having fun and cursing heartless creatures. And next week it's time to start the school term...all over again. When's the next holiday? Oh, that one week break on september...september...that reminds me. I wonder what James has up his sleeve. Or rather, up his pants. Going back to studying, motivation is one thing I am finding and apparently have not found. Maths, in JC, is one of my most hated subjects, because I cannot relate everything to anything and nothing seems to make sense to me. Maths in secondary school was a breeze, come to think of it. And that particular subject is going to be assessed in an exam this coming monday. It's wednesday. I have only four days to study over a hundred pages of my guide book. Read the notes? Don't give me a heart attack. Anyway, where did all those notes go? I seem to have misplaced everything and anything since the start of the holiday. I have to start being more organised and much more responsible for my work...I just hope I can find the time to inspire myself to do well once more.

Ahh...the itch in my left arm stays. It was a joy having the bandage taken off at the doctors' today. Even the alcohol he used to wipe down my arm felt good. He was doing me the favour of scratching it for me. Too long has my arm not breathed clean, fresh air. I was so happy that he took it off, only to realize that he was going to give me a fresh one at the end of the treatment -.-".

I woke up at 9am to see the doctor today all the way in ang mo kio. A stone, I was. A thinking statue sitting on a seat in a bus set off in an hour plus journey. Now I know how it feels to go to a school far away. I saw students from st.hilda's sec and ngee ann sec get on the bus somewhere near ubi. And all the way my eyelids were so godamnit heavy I was straining to keep them open.

I had a nice time chatting with farzana today about how bad men were. (well, according to her, at least) damn whats wrong with this thing. Sorry if you guys can't see properly.

Well anyway, I was listing down all the bad things men did to women, and she was like 'yes, yes ,yes' all the way. Then I started pointing out the good stuff. there was a 'huh' from her, then everything else I saw in a different colour was 'oi....eh....hey...stop!'

I guess she just couldn't take it. hahahahah. 

ok end here I guess. this thing is irritating me.

cheers. 

 Oh james tan that deplorable yet cynically admirable son of a bitch. That heartless animal, that gutless creature, you need to crawl back up into your mother's womb cuz your brain is still missing a part. The CONSCIENCE part. I have nothing more to say about your sorry ass. The words are just too much for you to take. That day in the band room, you deserved every bit of it. And I know everyone else in the band room enjoyed every bit as much. How long had we waited to give you a piece of our mind? Oh, did I say 'give'? I meant throw, and bombard. You did get that, didn't you? Benedict certainly did an excellent job of pissing him off, but of course, not in any old ah beng way, harsh and uncouth, but rather an intelligently annoying approach. hahahhahahaha...and Syafiq, much less to say, was crawling under that bastard's skin the entire time. Oh, what a day, what a day. I can still remember every single bit of it.

Time for some encouragement, after all that senseless verbal massacre!

Seems the Titans band will split. Now they are known individually as Springfield Marching Band and Ping Yi Marching Band. I really hope that both bands will strive to improve tremendously and participate in 2008's SYF. For the SPF side, by all means, take every opportunity to mess around the piss off the fucker. But also remember that you have your own reputation to uphold. Be strong, live strong. Ping Yi side, you're the so called more fortunate batch, since you're not under those springfield bastards anymore. Although technically you're weaker on the music side, I'm sure that with enough dedication, you too, can rise to the top.

"Though those whom you hold dear seem to be gone, the TITANS spirit still lives on!"

Can you imagine? SPF and PY marching bands taking part in SYF together. If both of them are good enough (we plan to train them to the exact same level =) ) I think they can take turns holding the top band status. hahahaha. 2008 ping yi, den 2010 springfield, and so on. The current top bands can *GO FLY KITE!*

Okay, I guess that's all. Don't be too disheartened, guys, because the alumni, and all your friends will be by your side. There's nothing to stop the guys from meeting up and going to ECP or playing soccer right!?!?!?!? hahahaha....

cheers!

 Woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling outside my window. the first thing that came to my mind was

" -.- oh shit. there it goes. "

And when I begin to ponder...farzana had said that it would rain today. what coincidence is it now? or is she just a really good weather predictor -.-"

Now I stare at my computer...mind blank, left arm still in pain, muscles aching with exhausted agony. I wish I'd have gotten more sleep. Who knew soccer would have been cancelled -.-

I went to sleep last night with my blood boiling and tears welling up in my eyes. But I promised myself not to let them out in front of her. I swear, when I grow up, get married and have children, I will never let them experience what my mum does to me. Make sure I have a steady income to drool for so nobody ever has to worry about money matters. As a matter of fact, for the past few months, almost everything about my family's daily discussions had been about money. money money money. The only reason why my mum is so godamnit pissed off with me going out is because my aunt owes her money. And because the family had money problems a few weeks ago. Now she's chained me tighter than ever to home.

"Go out no need money ah? Want to sleep late? Sleep in your room no need electricity for fan and light ah? So what if you don't sleep with air-con? I work so hard and all you do is throw away my money. Want to buy this want to buy that. You think your own bank got 3 million dollars ah everytime take take take."

I just closed my eyes and wished for her to stop yakking. I didn't need to listen because she was only worried about money due to recent matters. If all this had not happened, money would be no problem at all. In fact, for the past 16 years, the money I spent had NEVER been a problem, up till now. And about sleeping in my room, god damnit, how much electricity does a bloody fan and two lousy light bulbs take every night? Since you worry about me spending money so much, LET ME EARN MY OWN KEEP LAH. The last two months of last year was spent on me trying to persuade her to let me go to work instead of going for that lousy first three months (which didn't count because I kept skipping.) in TPJC. Can you imagine? That measly two months I worked, maybe 500-600 per month would mean a bigger balance in my bank account and more freedom of spending. And don't even think I'd spend more than I usually do. I KNOW how to spend my money wisely.

Do you know what's her reason for not letting me come home late?

"What if you meet with an accident?"

"I can take care of myself!"

"Thats what your father said to me when he left the house that day. He died in the afternoon. Do you remember that? You never know. And all that time he was calling for you name, the paramedic said. He couldn't bear to let you go so soon."

That had me shut up for a while. Thinking of my dad...still no impression of him. I was too young then. But after that moment I spoke again.

"Think of logic. If you say you never know, then what about maybe say, me coming home from TPJC band late on friday nights? I finish at 9pm. Who's to say I'd meet with an accident while crossing the street? And at any time on any day anywhere I could get hit by a car. Who knows? Might as well lock in the house I'd be alive there for as long as you'd like. The fact is, I never know, but I do try my best to take care of myself and stay ALIVE."

Words, words, and more words, and still nothing convinced my mum. I know some others do have curfews, but for me, having a curfew is restricting, frustrating, at some times panicky, and most of the time, embarrassing. A 16 year old having a curfew. Damnit, in the US 16 year olds are going to parties and hanging out after midnight. I'm an only child I know but that doesn't mean you have to suppress my freedom -.-

Where there is trust, there is freedom. I saw that somewhere before. Somehow she still doesn't trust me the way I like her to. Must be because of the countless times I'd lied to her in the past. I don't do that now. I'm smart enough to know that when I lie to her, somehow, sometime, she'd find out. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I come home late. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I sleep in my own room.

Well, you better learn to like it. In a year and a half's time I'm going into the army. I'll see how you survive without me most of the time.

 I just don't understand...We had accepted the fact already a few months ago, that we would eventually split around the end of the year, after spending good quality time performing together and being together as one band, with our first (and last) concert, and our grand ROD. But now, everything is gone. No more concert, no more ROD, no more Titans. The name we strived so godamnit hard to achieve, from the year 2000, has ended after its death certificate was finalised a few days ago...year 2006.

6 years....6 epic years that had led up to this point. The gold in 2004. The gold in 2006. The wonderfully established Drumline. Everything that my dreams were made of. Everything the Titans' dreams were made of...just gone, just like that. In an instant. Digitised, finalised, sent to inbox. No eulogy written. Just an authoritative suicide note.

How can they be so heartless. I don't understand how it is within human nature to act within authority without consideration for the Titans' feelings. I don't know why. Up till now, I still cannot accept the fact that a group of people personally came up with the Titans' death cert. They justified their actions by saying that they had the members' (well, the SPF members. they're ALL they care about) welfare at heart.

WHAT WELFARE?

DON'T YOU SEE THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES, THE TEARS IN THEIR EYES? WHAT WELFARE DO YOU HAVE AT HEART? WHOSE DO YOU HAVE AT HEART? THEIRS, OR THE MINORITY FROM WHOM YOU'VE RECEIVED COMPLAINTS FROM?

why...must you treat them thusly? Why must you break their hearts at their peak of ascension...I do not understand. Why do you tear apart the fabric of our unity, why do you demolish the building we have been building for the past SIX YEARS...why....tell me WHY! why don't you stop and think for the members, who had all gone through so much, springfield and ping yi alike, why do you only think for the interests of the school? why don't you put yourself in their shoes and take a moment to ponder, what will their reaction be?

IT'S NOT IN HUMAN NATURE TO ACT HEARTLESSLY! EVEN THE MOST COLD BLOODED OF MURDERERS HAVE FEELINGS! THOSE FEELINGS ARE JUST CLOUDED BY PSYCHOPATHY!

are you even human.....are you even human to separate the Titans....they love each other, I love the Titans, I love being a Titan. The Titans spirit is fused within mine. I cannot bear to see the Titans name end just like this. I can't do it.

My drumline, I love my drumline, the one me and syafiq spent days and nights, dreaming, building, achieving. The one we built from scratch, from a passing dream into a reality. The Titans drumline ends here...We've always wanted the Titans drumline to be the most recognized marching percussion unit in Singapore. Now...the Titans name is nothing.

why teachers, why springfield...why do you do this to us? why can't you understand....

why?




why?

 just a random post...

Gonna get myself a practice pad...

Gonna get myself a new pair of drumsticks...

And I'm much more comfortable with the traditional grip now...

Wanna improve lots...

Learning all the drum rudiments lately...

Up my standard!

cheers =)

 A tribute to faith...

To have faith is to believe, to believe, there can be miracles.

Miracles may not seem to happen around us most of the time. In fact, I think that for most of us, miracles have been virtually non-existant throughout our lives. It seems everytime we look for one, it pains us that we don't find it around the corner. But the truth is, miracles happen everyday. A flower sprouting in a barren garden thought to be infertile, a patient in coma for months or even years awakening to the voice and gentle touch of a loved one, or a tear shed in emotional desperation. There are so many miracles in this world that I cannot possibly list. Right now I only have two. But are these two enough to inspire the lot that miracles exist?

Miracle or coincidence?

To those who do not believe, or to those who have never experienced a miracle, it's just a matter of coincidence, the right thing happening at the right time, something unexpected showing up on your front door when it had apparently eluded you for what seemed to be an eternity.

To those who believe, to those who have experienced its magic...a miracle is one of the most heartwarming things that could be granted to a person. Perhaps a gift granted from God? A pardon approved by the ethereal authorities. Divine Angels struggling to hold back the dark Angel of Death to discourage his heartbreaking authority. 

To have miracles, there must be faith. The bright aura that culminates around a person, seen from the heavens above, made brighter and larger by the people around that person, having faith, believing. The Heavens recognize this desperate cry for divine deliverance, and out of the blue, grant their great pardon. How powerful this ethereal feeling is : Faith.

The wisest mind has something yet to learn (by someone); the purest of hearts has something yet to believe (my version).

Love, by itself, is not enough. It's too simple an emotion to be seen by the ethereal.

You must have faith. It is the ultimate motivation, and the stairway to Heaven.

i, too, pray by your side. as do others. have faith.

 lazy, lazy, lazy. Today is all about the word 'lazy'.

Had Panorama [TPJC concert] practice today, combined with all the other CCAs. Yes. Boring. hahahaa...got up at 8am today. Then just came back. I also woke up farzana at 9:30 in the morning just to piss her off. apparently it worked. HAHAHA!!! =)

Actually, the good thing about today was that one of my band seniors came up to me and bertram (my section mate) and told us that the drama club needed a 1 minute percussion recording for the concert. Where? We don't know. But we had to come up with something.

Bertram looked at me. He had this sinister smile on his face.

"Bumblebee?"

I was like @_@ (literally!) uhhh....

"Oh come on!"

"uhhh....!!!!! okay okay okay lets go."

Woot, it was great to be in the spotlight once in a while. hahaha. I played bumblebee on the vibraphone with glock sticks -.-" after that we decided to extend it a little, so he did a drum solo, then i went over to the bells =) i played MORTAL KOMBAT! den another short solo, I ran back to vibes den played a little bumblebee, then ended it off big. oohh, it felt good. hahaha. Though I missed quite a few notes cuz the keys on the vibes were smaller! [this is not an excuse. you'll know why later =) ]

Then back in the band room we did a real recording..this time I used the marimba.

Bigger keys, less misses [i made only one mistake] and alot more control tone-wise.

When we were tryin to listen to the recording after that my senior almost scared the shit out of me by saying she didn't record. -.- turns out when she was playing the didn't turn up the volume. @_@

okay, thats it. hahahahaha. eating now.

cheers!

 Hey guys, back again. At the beginning of this post, I must admit that it's not so bad for me goin for TPJC band pracs, as I've realized. I have lots of fun with the guys in my section, and our skill levels are almost on par, so music wise, we can really click. What unnerves me, in fact, is the hours and the frequency of band practices. Apparently due to band practices I miss most of my holiday, and that includes going for Titans band pracs, which starts next week. Yes, we have a concert coming up and that should be of upmost importance. But since when have I paid attention to 'importance'?

Kampong Ubi performance is next week and I feel...slightly weird about it. Seems to me like "oh it's just another performance". Rather than the usual excitedness I draw from it. There's going to be a drumline segment, so watch out for that! I don't intend to miss it, and 99.99% I'm goin for it. haha. the 0.01% is of course, my mum. -.- sunday...a day where I am always chained to the house and act according to the whims of my family. Its not a bad thing, to spend time with family, but sometimes she just overdoes it -.- makes it seem like an absolute necessity. Well, working, for you, is an absolute necessity, but do you like it? nooooooo... (russell peters style)

Okay. The percussion instructor at TPJC taught us traditional grip [for those who don't understand..its the grip drumcorps use. For those who don't know what a drumcorp is... -.- think cavaliers.] and four stick tricks. Well, three, actually. One of them is so stupidly simple it shouldn't even be called a stick trick. My percussion mates and I (well, the guys, actually) spent the entire afternoon practicing the tricks after the instructor left at 12:30. So you can imagine how psyched we were about them. And now we can use traditional grip freely during practice, according to our preference. Nice to have a little more freedom. =)

Titans drumline! Interested in the stick tricks? I'll come by and teach you guys next week =)

Okay, thats all. I still haven't finished reading Da Vinci Code. I feel like such an idiot. Goal for myself this week : to finish the book by friday. That leaves me two days. Goal setting is so motivating...don't you think? =)

cheers!

 I went to bed with a heavy heart last night, but surprisingly I was appreciatively granted slumber...and the next thing I knew it was morning already. I had band today, and contrary to how I portray it most of the time, I actually had fun. I did always have fun everytime I went for band. I just didn't want to admit it. Yet again, selfishness for personal benefit. That fact had been drifting about in my mind for quite some time, and though I wish it to leave me, I seem to have some form of attraction to it, because within it, I believe, lies the key to a better future. One in which I'd become a better person than I am now.

Looking back at how I was last time, despite the care and concern shown by friends, I take it now all as pity. The way I acted, how I extracted benefit for myself, and refused to compromise accompanied by a speck of sacrifice...I can only say one thing.

"To keep me is no benefit. To kill me is no loss."

I can only wonder now why I was appreciated by anyone. Did I appreciate them just as much?

And I still live...in search...

for myself.

To reach in, and grab my soul by the neck.

Deliver me...please.

 After seemingly endless consideration I came up with one stark decision, senseless to some, relief to a few, beneficial to one.

I only made that decision because I refused to let myself become a burden, as I have had for the past sixteen years of life. A burden, is something I wish to free myself from having become. Sacrifices did not show up on my life list too, and I never wanted to make any, for personal benefit only. No sacrifice whatsoever, if I remember correctly.

So dire the consequences of my selfishness, so heavy the burden that lay on my chest, as regret; as revelation.

"If you want to achieve something in life, you must give yourself absolutely NO leeway."

That is what I had learnt today, as I have been learning new things everyday, today wasn't an exception. Looking back at choices not so well made, regret takes over, and that justifies this simple sentence. If you want something, work hard to get it, and nothing else. There must not be any escape route for you to take just in case you do not achieve your intended goal. In most minds, it constitutes only one notion.

"Get it big, or don't get it at all."

This...made me remember my decision last year. I wasn't doing well in school. I should've set my goal as getting a good score to get into the JC of my choice earlier that year, but instead I opted to go with my mum's fright-inspired decision to go through DSA.

I looked back with nothing but regret as I got stuck in a JC I wished to explode every morning. And into a band which I wished a fire broke out and melted all the instruments so it'd close down. But now, I look ahead with new prospects.

To give myself no leeway and achieve what I have set before me. A place in NUS, a job paying 5k a month or more, a sports car modified to make others drool, a gaming PC to die for (I intend to stay an avid gamer even in later life) a modest flat, a beautiful and loving wife, who comes last.

The decision has been made, and this was the first I had, which involved a sacrifice made by myself, for the benefit of another. I do not wish to become a burden.

I live...in search...

for myself.

 Something disturbing just happened...I told my mum about the river valley high concert at the esplanade tomorrow and obviously she was sulking about it. She never did like my affiliations with bands, even though it wasn't mine, directly. After that she called me out from my room again, and mentioned visiting my grandpa over at my aunt's house (dad's side) as she had apparently received a call from one of my cousins saying that his condition had worsened. Something about a ruptured kidney if I remember correctly. So she told me,

"You better call your auntie tomorrow and ask her how your grandpa is doing. I shouldn't be doing everything since he's YOUR grandfather. You want to follow your father's surname and not my surname so you're of THEIR blood and not MINE. You're his grandson and I'm not his granddaughter so you better do it yourself this time."

Earlier this morning at Hong Kong International Airport, while waiting for our departure at ten something, she'd asked me a question I considered to be laughable. She asked whether I'd like to change my surname to 'Lim' instead of following the traditional malay name, having my dad's name at the back. I certainly did laugh it off, and I said I'd prefer to have my dad's name within mine. It was like a kind of recognition. That relates to another story.

According to mum, dad was a great guy, and from what I've heard about him from my aunts, my mum and my grandma, he was probably one of the best men a family and a wife could ever had. He didn't earn much, he drove a modest car, but he gave everything into our family, and that's how I came along. He was the gentleman dad I almost never had. And so I tried to take after him...

okay, to the girls, I respect you, I try to be gentlemanly, but I'm not quite there yet I presume. Don't take this as an excuse because I'm dead serious that I should treat women equally or even better than men. You laugh this off because of the usual ways I act and how I carry myself. That's just the way I am. But the true meaning lies just beneath the surface. Under millimeters of skin, within endless reaches of soul.

So why the sudden stereotyping by pushing me toward my dad's side all of a sudden? What, I choose to remain with my original name and all of a sudden I'm not my mum's son anymore? Just because her name is chinese and my name is malay, so she doesn't feel a sense of belonging...two pieces of a puzzle which don't fit. And probably for the past sixteen years they'd been welded and melded together just to seal the spaces in between. Has the solder diminished? Since when has my name ever been a problem for my mum? And for her info, MY GRANDPA IS HER FATHER IN LAW. she's only one step down the family tree from him and she considers me to fall under another branch. I just hope she doesn't stereotype me further by blatantly sending me off to stay with my dad's side. She'd threatened to do that everytime I'd done something terribly wrong or disappointed her to the edge of her mental threshold. And frankly, though I consider them family, nothing makes me feel more at  home than right here...with my mum's side.

The chinese.

Suddenly I seem to feel caught in the middle of a cultural collision and religious conflict.

"I'd prefer to be called a very dark chinese rather than a malay"

That's what I'd said not long ago, and I wasn't very sure that was the notion I was going to live by for the rest of my life.

So much for living as someone with mixed blood. You not only draw attention, but the implications swamp you like piranhas to an ox which, unfortunately, just fell into the river.

I HOPE this is just another one of her untimely mood swings.

cheers, with wine in a dirty glass. I do not appreciate woeful posts.

 Just got back from Hong Kong! dun wanna talk about it much since I haven't been paying too much attention to detail while I was there. The only thing that really broke the ice and warmed the heart were the fireworks displays at Disneyland which I went to see on two consecutive days...yesterday and the day before. Initially I'd been very disappointed with the attractions there. It obviously wasn't a place for a 16year old to be -.-

There WAS, though, something that got my attention on the first day, which was some kind of makeshift percussion performance by three staff members, rolling out garbage cans on wheels fitted with buckets to sound like toms...deep though. They had acrylic tipped drumsticks...pretty much suited for the job: playing on metal. I must say they were pretty good, but not nearly as good as their american counterparts though. Maybe we could compete with them, but of course, on real drums. I'm sure they'd do fine with marching drums with the strokes they'd displayed. People only went for the entertainment value. I guess that's something we gotta work with on the DRUMLINE too. Entertainment...yes, sometimes scorned by members, but we have to ENTERTAIN as well as showcase talent and skill.

I remember going on some buzz lightyear ride-cum-shooting game over and over just to improve on my scores. In the end, I only managed to maintain a level4 out of the seven levels that were available. can you believe it? level 7 is 1,000,000+. I'd have to spend an entire day there just shooting at stuff. -.-

Ok, enough about the small stuff (literally true because almost everything there was for small kids!) more about the big stuff.

Fireworks at Disneyland hong kong were held EVERY night at 8pm sharp. *sharp* for me being the fireworks always started exactly at 8.00pm on MY phone clock =] The first night we heard about the fireworks, we were hurriedly trying to finish our food in some posh chinese restaurant within the park. We had no idea what we were going to miss. By the time we went out, the lights had dimmed, and everybody seemed to gather like a mass congregation at the center of the massive intersection facing the Disneyland Castle. We, on the other hand, were stuck near the entrance to the restaurant behind a crowd of hopeful people. I did manage to get out my phone to capture the whole thing on video. It was ABSOLUTELY spectacular. the best thing, or rather, one of the best things I'd seen in my entire life. The music, the fireworks, the gaping awe of the crowd ["wowwwwwww..."], everything seemed to fit right in place, like a massive jigsaw puzzle.

More about the fireworks though, I filmed  it AGAIN the following night, I think more out of respect than interest, just to get it right, and I tried as hard as I could, but the images were still not sharp. So much for a 2.0 megapixel camera. It simply wasn't enough. I even tried to  convince my mum to buy a camera while we were in the city area earlier that day [our camera had recently been damaged by my uncle, somehow.] just so that I could capture the fireworks on film. Didn't work. Figures.

But this time, the video was a good 11 minutes instead of the 7+ minute version I managed to get on the first night. In addition, I had a relatively better place on the second night, despite the fact that people were using umbrellas, and there was one occurence that made my blood boil. The couple from behind me moved directly in front of me so the guy's GIRLFRIEND could get a better picture for her camera, and it so happened he was holding an umbrella. DAMN, that guy held it high. For goodness sake, there are people behind too! I was forced to inch towards the right, careful not to block anyone else's view, and thus I got an off center orientation despite moving to the center fifteen minutes earlier just to find a good spot. So much for being prepared.

After everything was over, I was relatively satisfied with the video...despite the intermittent feelings that I could've done a better job. But then again, who's perfect? Once again, so much for being a perfectionist. Others would have ruined it for you. =_=

Anyone interested in seeing the videos, msg me...send you online.

cheers.

 oooohhh.....ooooooooooohhh....TITANS BOLEH!!! TITANS BOLEH!!!! ALL THE REST CAN GO FLY KITE!

yeah. yesterday's BHF was a BLAST! way better than the previous days' one and in fact, I can say it's also ten times better and more fun than last year's BHF. really really really pure fun and enjoyment. The moves, the grooves, the dancing! One of its kind, where one thousand five hundred over students coming together to make music in their balloon hats and costumes earn respect in their own way, and of course, WE DID TOO!

we might not have looked *fun* on the outside, because of our TITANS uniform, you know, looking all smart and intimidating. but damnit we were overflowing with it from the inside! you just couldn't stop yourself from movin to the music and to the cheers. I wish I could do it all over again. NEXT YEAR. lol. but by then, maybe I won't be inside. Too old. hahahaha.

damn lame. before the parade even started, part of my hat popped. It felt like someone had just hit me on the head -.- then, five minutes into the parade, the rest of my hat popped! =_= a lady picked it up for me, but I just said forget it, you can keep it. den smiled to her. damn lame...hahahaha. but funny too. everyone was impressed with zack too!!! damnit, his throws much higher and nicer den he did in SYF la!!!!! that idiot! he caught every throw, and with every catch the crowd cheered. did i mention he was the only DM who was spinning and throwing the mace? nice work, bro. like a true drum major GOD. hahaaa...

after every band reached the end point, we did the calls and answers, grooved to the BHF theme song, and when everything ended......

"DRUMLINE! FORM UP!"

*echo* *pass message*

"DRUMLINE!!!"                               "drumline!!!'                            "DRUMLINE!!!"

oh man, it was absolutely perfect. Despite the disappointment from early that afternoon, the drumline made a huge success in front of hundreds of people including band members from other schools. We set a standard for bands, the drumline sets the standards for percussion! it may not have been flawless, but it was good enough to win the cheers and love of everyone who watched, and the attention of countless photographers. and when everything ended with the fight club and all, we WERE loved and cheered on. felt good. hahaha. as we eased up there was this young chinese photographer who came up to me and shook my hand -.- I think he was one of those who were takin pics of us all the way. Even when the drumline was playing Party and doing the cheers, we were dancing like nobody cared and STILL we were being photographed and videotaped. hahahaha...sounds wrong? feelin' proud, guys!

TITANS DRUMLINE, NICE JOB, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE ENGRAVED OUR TITANS AND TITANS DRUMLINE NAMES INTO SENTOSA HISTORY, AND INTO TITANS HISTORY! I'M PROUD OF YOU GUYS!

and i'm sure, Asyraf was proud. =]

 Packed the percussion store today...most of the time only sufi and asyraf were helping; the rest were just fooling around. What's the use of asking you guys to stay back and help then? It took three people four hours to clean up the percussion store, and now there're four to five boxes of trash accumulated over the past 10 years headed for cash converters or the rubbish dump.

Take a whole new look at the percussion store:

The entire drumline can walk in together, basses to the left, snares to the right, toms in the middle.

Pick up their drums, strap up, and walk out. All in under like, two minutes.

That's the amount of space in the percussion store now after a major revamp in a trashy attempt to clear up some space and tidy up ALOT. I can't imagine how much dust and dirt and rubbish we sweeped off the ground today. It was enough to fill an entire box. We even hung a banner outside the percussion store. Take a look this sunday! We've got enough space in the store to put in a sofa. =]

Too bad my idea of using raffia string as a hanger for the carriers didn't work out. It seemed like a great idea until the weight of the carriers sent the string drooping to the ground -.- bad move. Unfortunately most of the unused stuff are still chucked one side in the corners, not in a very tidy and orderly manner. I'll probably get to that next week.

Cleaning the store was both clearing trash and hunting for buried treasure, long lost under the recesses of the instruments and tools clogging up the room. I have no idea how much stuff we found in there that we never thought existed. Asyraf even came up with a cymbal stand with a splash cymbal in the middle. It's really cool.

Yep, it was an absolute horror cleaning up the store...but it looks great now. Sense of satisfaction! I think we all get that once in a while. I didn't enjoy sneezing throughout the sweeping and cleaning of the store, but hey, I enjoy the look of it now. I just got sick of seeing the store in a complete mess...for the past few months, even before SYF.

Next story.

Drumline on Sunday at BHF. It's not going to be the same with one of our drumline members off the squad. It was the result of a foolish mistake incurred...why man, why did you have to follow? It's really going to feel different on the actual day with someone else in the line. Yeah, of course he can fill in for him, but it's just......weird. No matter, the drumline HAS to go on on Sunday. Nothing has stopped us before, and we're not going to let this stop us now.

People make mistakes, and it seems you've made it at just the wrong time. Don't brood over it, really. Be strong, and your mates in the drumline will too. Drumliners who're reading this post now, on Sunday, it's going to be different, but he'd want us to do our very best and put in a good show regardless of whether he's there to guide us or not. Let's do it with the best of our ability, and the ferocity of the Titans Drumline. Lets do it for ASYRAF!

 Readers....sorry for not updating for a long time...maybe I was just plain lazy. Yesterday was BHF rehearsal for Sunday's performance [this is your cue to come see us on that day!]. The day before was BHF rehearsal for Saturday's performance, which we did not participate in. A few percussionists, eng heng, the majors and I went to Sentosa to check out the competition, learn the moves and routes; very much like a recce operation...I was actually at home playing my new game...until sufi called me and asked me to go. Tired and reluctant, I agreed, and soon I was taking the train to Harbourfront to meet them. But it was a good experience, though, save the travelling time from Tampines to Harbourfront. I hate taking long train rides alone...

The only two bands that caught our eyes (and could pose a potential threat to our grasp for best band) were Yuhua and River Valley sec. They were just great, their choreography was not the best, but what was interesting and eye catching was that every member of the band danced and moved together, every single one, to their hearts' content. Unlike our band...What I notice is that some of our band members don't give a damn what's happening around them. And it just pains me to see that everyone else is trying hard and they're pulling us down. Showing lack of concentration, reluctant to actually have FUN! what's so difficult about having fun? is it the embarrassment? oh come on. having fun has nothing to be ashamed about. so what if you notice someone giggling away at you in the distance? the rest of the audience love you! =.=

I can't say that the band had remained in the same tip top condition that they were in just before and during SYF. What happened to the discipline and determination? I may not be one who displays that all the time, but I think I've been there long enough to be able to speak my mind.

And yesterday...was our BHF rehearsal...apparently the route distance was half of what it was last year...1.6km march down to 800m. A short route, and I can't say it was equally as tiring as it was the last time I was there. Some said it was boring...and hidayat was surprised at how short the thing actually was when the first rehearsal ended.

"Liddat only? Boring sia!"

True, but what can we do? Just play along. And the idea of playing the tempo through the PA system was absolutely brainless. For one thing, none of the bands were following the bloody irritating beats played throughout the route all the way to the beachhead. We tried...but in the end, 'FUN' got the better of us, and like all others, we fell into temptation of raising the tempo. I mean, 124? yes, faster now, up from 116 <-- funeral tempo, but still not fast enough! 130-140 is more like it if you ask me. And the songs we're playing...all the bands. If we play them so slowly, what's the fun of it? I can't say that the tempo causes us to march sloppily, because I don't think our band was doing that =) . Fortunately it wasn't WMP's idea. It couldn't have been! all the band directors would have been against it (i think).

But I can still say that last year's BHF was more of a blast. I dunno. We'll all find out this Sunday. A little intrigue for those who don't know. We've got a little surprise for everyone on the actual day.

I noticed that the percussionists from all the schools yesterday were quite intimidated by our drumline. All it took was for syafiq to call out to all the percussionists nearby from other schools to join us, and they did! one big happy drumming family was what I called it. It was really great playing with other drummers, though of course, they weren't quite as good as us. But then again, how good are we? haha. No matter the drumming experience and skill level, we all should really play together to bring up our spirit. It's all in the fun, isn't it?

And today.......I wake up at 7 plus to the sounds of my mum moving about the room getting ready for work...then at 9.30 because I THOUGHT that I had classes today. A friend of mine reminded me that it was tomorrow =.= and here I am staring at my computer screen. I am so damn physically tired. I noticed that from everyone yesterday. I think I'm using half my strength to finish typing this entry. So damn tired. My muscles are aching...crying for deliverance. I can only hope I can regain my energy soon.

For those who don't know...I'm leaving for San Francisco next wednesday...the 7th of June. And arriving on the 7th of June, San Fran time. That's right. A one day plus non stop flight all the way from east to west. =.= First landing in San Fran, check out the sights, den heading to San Diego and LA to spend time at the theme parks...Disneyland, Disneyland Adventure Park, Universal Studios.....the works. Will be there for 2 weeks, comin back on the 21st. Don't worry guys, I'll get presents for MOST of you!

Till next time...*yawn* zzZZzzZzZzzzzzZZZzz