Woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling outside my window. the first thing that came to my mind was
" -.- oh shit. there it goes. "
And when I begin to ponder...farzana had said that it would rain today. what coincidence is it now? or is she just a really good weather predictor -.-"
Now I stare at my computer...mind blank, left arm still in pain, muscles aching with exhausted agony. I wish I'd have gotten more sleep. Who knew soccer would have been cancelled -.-
I went to sleep last night with my blood boiling and tears welling up in my eyes. But I promised myself not to let them out in front of her. I swear, when I grow up, get married and have children, I will never let them experience what my mum does to me. Make sure I have a steady income to drool for so nobody ever has to worry about money matters. As a matter of fact, for the past few months, almost everything about my family's daily discussions had been about money. money money money. The only reason why my mum is so godamnit pissed off with me going out is because my aunt owes her money. And because the family had money problems a few weeks ago. Now she's chained me tighter than ever to home.
"Go out no need money ah? Want to sleep late? Sleep in your room no need electricity for fan and light ah? So what if you don't sleep with air-con? I work so hard and all you do is throw away my money. Want to buy this want to buy that. You think your own bank got 3 million dollars ah everytime take take take."
I just closed my eyes and wished for her to stop yakking. I didn't need to listen because she was only worried about money due to recent matters. If all this had not happened, money would be no problem at all. In fact, for the past 16 years, the money I spent had NEVER been a problem, up till now. And about sleeping in my room, god damnit, how much electricity does a bloody fan and two lousy light bulbs take every night? Since you worry about me spending money so much, LET ME EARN MY OWN KEEP LAH. The last two months of last year was spent on me trying to persuade her to let me go to work instead of going for that lousy first three months (which didn't count because I kept skipping.) in TPJC. Can you imagine? That measly two months I worked, maybe 500-600 per month would mean a bigger balance in my bank account and more freedom of spending. And don't even think I'd spend more than I usually do. I KNOW how to spend my money wisely.
Do you know what's her reason for not letting me come home late?
"What if you meet with an accident?"
"I can take care of myself!"
"Thats what your father said to me when he left the house that day. He died in the afternoon. Do you remember that? You never know. And all that time he was calling for you name, the paramedic said. He couldn't bear to let you go so soon."
That had me shut up for a while. Thinking of my dad...still no impression of him. I was too young then. But after that moment I spoke again.
"Think of logic. If you say you never know, then what about maybe say, me coming home from TPJC band late on friday nights? I finish at 9pm. Who's to say I'd meet with an accident while crossing the street? And at any time on any day anywhere I could get hit by a car. Who knows? Might as well lock in the house I'd be alive there for as long as you'd like. The fact is, I never know, but I do try my best to take care of myself and stay ALIVE."
Words, words, and more words, and still nothing convinced my mum. I know some others do have curfews, but for me, having a curfew is restricting, frustrating, at some times panicky, and most of the time, embarrassing. A 16 year old having a curfew. Damnit, in the US 16 year olds are going to parties and hanging out after midnight. I'm an only child I know but that doesn't mean you have to suppress my freedom -.-
Where there is trust, there is freedom. I saw that somewhere before. Somehow she still doesn't trust me the way I like her to. Must be because of the countless times I'd lied to her in the past. I don't do that now. I'm smart enough to know that when I lie to her, somehow, sometime, she'd find out. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I come home late. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I sleep in my own room.
Well, you better learn to like it. In a year and a half's time I'm going into the army. I'll see how you survive without me most of the time.
" -.- oh shit. there it goes. "
And when I begin to ponder...farzana had said that it would rain today. what coincidence is it now? or is she just a really good weather predictor -.-"
Now I stare at my computer...mind blank, left arm still in pain, muscles aching with exhausted agony. I wish I'd have gotten more sleep. Who knew soccer would have been cancelled -.-
I went to sleep last night with my blood boiling and tears welling up in my eyes. But I promised myself not to let them out in front of her. I swear, when I grow up, get married and have children, I will never let them experience what my mum does to me. Make sure I have a steady income to drool for so nobody ever has to worry about money matters. As a matter of fact, for the past few months, almost everything about my family's daily discussions had been about money. money money money. The only reason why my mum is so godamnit pissed off with me going out is because my aunt owes her money. And because the family had money problems a few weeks ago. Now she's chained me tighter than ever to home.
"Go out no need money ah? Want to sleep late? Sleep in your room no need electricity for fan and light ah? So what if you don't sleep with air-con? I work so hard and all you do is throw away my money. Want to buy this want to buy that. You think your own bank got 3 million dollars ah everytime take take take."
I just closed my eyes and wished for her to stop yakking. I didn't need to listen because she was only worried about money due to recent matters. If all this had not happened, money would be no problem at all. In fact, for the past 16 years, the money I spent had NEVER been a problem, up till now. And about sleeping in my room, god damnit, how much electricity does a bloody fan and two lousy light bulbs take every night? Since you worry about me spending money so much, LET ME EARN MY OWN KEEP LAH. The last two months of last year was spent on me trying to persuade her to let me go to work instead of going for that lousy first three months (which didn't count because I kept skipping.) in TPJC. Can you imagine? That measly two months I worked, maybe 500-600 per month would mean a bigger balance in my bank account and more freedom of spending. And don't even think I'd spend more than I usually do. I KNOW how to spend my money wisely.
Do you know what's her reason for not letting me come home late?
"What if you meet with an accident?"
"I can take care of myself!"
"Thats what your father said to me when he left the house that day. He died in the afternoon. Do you remember that? You never know. And all that time he was calling for you name, the paramedic said. He couldn't bear to let you go so soon."
That had me shut up for a while. Thinking of my dad...still no impression of him. I was too young then. But after that moment I spoke again.
"Think of logic. If you say you never know, then what about maybe say, me coming home from TPJC band late on friday nights? I finish at 9pm. Who's to say I'd meet with an accident while crossing the street? And at any time on any day anywhere I could get hit by a car. Who knows? Might as well lock in the house I'd be alive there for as long as you'd like. The fact is, I never know, but I do try my best to take care of myself and stay ALIVE."
Words, words, and more words, and still nothing convinced my mum. I know some others do have curfews, but for me, having a curfew is restricting, frustrating, at some times panicky, and most of the time, embarrassing. A 16 year old having a curfew. Damnit, in the US 16 year olds are going to parties and hanging out after midnight. I'm an only child I know but that doesn't mean you have to suppress my freedom -.-
Where there is trust, there is freedom. I saw that somewhere before. Somehow she still doesn't trust me the way I like her to. Must be because of the countless times I'd lied to her in the past. I don't do that now. I'm smart enough to know that when I lie to her, somehow, sometime, she'd find out. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I come home late. She says she doesnt LIKE it when I sleep in my own room.
Well, you better learn to like it. In a year and a half's time I'm going into the army. I'll see how you survive without me most of the time.
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