I get to wake up late tomorrow...that's comforting.

What's less comforting is the interview I have at SMU's school of business in the afternoon.

Hmmm...

Today's rehearsal was a waste of time, kind of. Report at 12:30pm. Rehearsal 'started' at around 3pm. Yes. 3pm. And when we actually went down to the parade square, it was 4:30pm, and rehearsal ended at 5:30pm. So basically I was only useful for an hour. Yeah, that's supposed to be a good thing, but the last thing I need on a weekend is to have my time wasted. I'd rather be down for the whole thing instead of waiting for almost the entire afternoon.

Well anyway, did a few rounds around the parade square with the parade people and boy did it hurt in the beginning. It's kinda like running; body gets numb after a little suffering. We're doing a street march this year so it's going to be quite a long way. Twice the distance we covered today, I heard. I guess that's a good thing. We get a lot of attention on parade.

Quite frankly I feel strongly about NDP, well not in a patriotic sense, but I really don't mind participating. It's just the rehearsals that are always so detestable.

I have to start strengthening my back just like my SL told us. My lower back is killing me right now, and I was only carrying a snare. Might just slip a disc if I have to play bass in this condition.

Going cycling with my cousins and cy tmr, wonder how that will turn out.

The colours were transparent and worn, and I couldn't see them at first. Through their lucidity I saw warmth, I saw love, I saw a happiness I'd wished for for a very long time, and wanted to have for even longer. In its simplicity I saw truth, faith and trust, and in the breeze it left in its constant circling, the sweet breath of a life long deserved to be lived.

Slowly though, but irrevocably surely, the colours began to embolden, and I saw in them things I'd never expected, with them, experienced emotions I could not understand.

They are, and ironically always were, always there, and so richly emblazoned in front of my eyes. I couldn't see them at all. I needed to have my eyes opened, the cloud of bias removed, and my mind open to my ears which received that which I never wanted to hear.

The colours were all there. And in their mass I saw everything I couldn't see in the beginning.

Violet...the colour of apathy
Blue...the colour of the unfaithful, the cold, the self-righteous, the untrustworthy
Green...the colour of indifference
Yellow...the colour of deception
Red...the colour of brutality

They were...intertwined, yet by taking a step back and surveying the chaos, I could individualize them, and finally understand.

All of them were lies. All of it.

All of it.

Yet another week is coming to a close; barely.

There should be another COD with the kids and other contingents this saturday in camp, though I don't really mind going back. A few hours there, and we get monday off. Isn't really very tiring either, anyway. Realized I don't really mind playing bass drum despite my pathetic size. haha.

NDP fever seems to be in the air even though things don't really seem to be picking up from my perspective. Maybe the kids are excited. I do know most if not all of the others aren't as much. There's a slight difference between having to do it and wanting to do it.

It seems I've gone back to living life as how I had a long, long time ago, or so it seems. Living day by day, looking forward to things that happen within the hours instead of what would happen in the days, weeks or months to come. It's...rather boring. Perhaps the recent boredom's been lessened somewhat by Angels and Demons. I've finished reading it already, anyway. Love the epic twist at the end. And why did they have to end the story where Vittoria just took her robe off? 0_o

Been awfully tired this week. I always find myself dozing off whenever I can. Am I just not meant to sleep late? It's strange sometimes. I can wake up feeling more tired if I'd slept for 6 hours instead of my usual 5 on weeknights. The inverse relationship just doesn't make sense. And oh yeah, I long for the days I get to enjoy my full 12 hours of sleep. Yes, 12 hours. I grew up with that kind of luxury...so you can't really blame me for it.

Gonna check out epiee fencing after NDP. I hope my cousin can make the right arrangements for me when I'm ready. What am I talking about? Of course she can...

I feel it's only a matter of time before I "walk with the Lord". That sentence just overflows with irony, doesn't it? I guess it isn't really so bad anyway, minus the cheesy parts, whatever they might be. I suppose I'd be doing my part in making my mum happy by making the same choice she did. It really does make a lot of sense; the religion so to speak. Any faith can make sense if you're willing to believe in it, accept it and live a life with it as your support. On a slightly less optimistic note, my dad's side of my family is going to be some pissed. I guess my mum would know how to deal with that. In time.

Contrary to thought, I have absolutely no intention whatsoever. Things have...changed, and so have perspectives. Well essentially they haven't changed; just gotten clearer. People change. We all have to take it in our stride.

To end on a rather strange note...I find myself slightly numbed to incessant whining.

And I thought I had all the answers. Well I pretty much did. Most of them, actually. But now I feel I have enough to let everything go and in its passing smile upon my good fortune in moving forward, instead of being hopelessly and helplessly stuck in this void which I'd inadvertently created all on my own accord.

What a fool I was.

Why did it take me so long to come to understand and accept the fact that I'd been lied to and manipulated like a tool?

All that wasted emotion. And all that time. All that trust. Whatever hope and faith I had was utterly destroyed and now I know that it was inevitable in the first place.

Well now I know.

And I am humbled by the fact that I had been so weak.

I have suffered enough.

What a nice way to start the week. Half a day of work, then a trip down to Orchard for lunch at the Rice Table, compliments of Captain Yusri. Had a good time shoving down the ala carte buffet then playing LAN. All those hours on COD4 paid off! I was owning in CS. hahaha...although I still feel playing CS is an insult to my FPS prowess. Decent player. Not good. haha. It doesn't take much to play CS. DOTA? As usual...feeder. =.= I was 8 levels behind the highest leveled player at the end of the match.

Had kimchi rice with carmen yesterday at east coast park! I never knew I could have so much fun being with that moron. hahaha. Like can never run out of things to talk about...random stuff, funny stuff, weird stuff...it just kept coming out. And the rice was good too!

Surprises, surprises, surprises. I do love giving surprises. Only a matter of time...

There are...a few ways to look at this.

Forgiveness?

Come now, don't be a child. Be mature about this, and don't bear this grudge. Forgive the soul, and gratitude shall be yours to behold. Animosity brings sin, and with it, a perpetual downcast on your personal well-being. Forgive. Be a grown up. Forgive.

Forgiveness?

This is the ultimate gift; there can be no greater. To forgive is to accept and relinquish the accused of all sin, of all grudge and hate, to provide for him a clean slate that belongs to you and you alone from which to continue his relationship with you. You are giving more than the verbal weight of forgiveness. More than trust. You are allowing him to be cleansed. Free from all sinful obligation, of reproachful self-punishment.

Come now, don't be a child. Give the ultimate gift.

I've just realized that today marks the 1 year anniversary of my enlistment into NS. Up till now, I've learnt a few things.

1. Route marches are boring, not tiring.
2. The SAF takes great pride in educating the masses in the importance of waiting as a pastime.
3. The M-16 is a real bitch to clean.
4. Digging a hole is harder than it sounds or looks.

It's been quite some time already and I really wonder if this particular reflection is appropriate. I feel as if I've been desensitized, somewhat, placing little or no importance on the 'feel good' factor of a relationship. No, not in the physical sense, you with your perverted little minds...or is it just me? Well anyway, I wonder if this is normal. Or maybe I've just been accustomed, somehow, to being single that I don't really feel the need to be...in a sense, 'whole'. Live life as half an entity. What? I've survived. Why not a little longer? Or very much longer, perhaps.

To see things as they are; horrifying, a blasphemous statement engraved in stone to haunt you as you wish and worry your bleak days by...It's a torture. To accept things as they are; everything is in its place, everything has its place, and everything is well worth its place...sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's the only way to live life as is its commonly perceived purpose : To suffer, to endure, and to experience in its entirety the meaning of pain and all its allies and constituents, and to move forward in life stronger everyday.

For this phase in life, I have suffered enough.

Sick since yesterday...so went to see a doctor this morning. She said it was sinusitis, the inflammation of the air cavities within the paranasal sinuses. Hm...as if any of us would actually understand that. But anyway, got a 2 day mc to rest it off.

FEAR2 is one freaky game. Girl's face appearing suddenly on your screen...extremely bloody decapitations and dismemberment, writing on the floor and walls...see for yourself.

One of the many gruesome scenes in the game. This was set in a hospital, of sorts.

Here's a closer look, where you can see (i hope) the words and symbols written in blood.


All things appear equal and just, righteous and fitting...until you've been wronged.

A patient on the House S05E15, an atheist who works in a church (oh the irony) mentioned this :

"God wants life to be meaningful, but life is meaningless without free will. Free will brings suffering, so...God wants suffering."

WIN!

Gotta go back to camp tomorrow for BO. Gonna stuff my PSP with prison break. Got myself a new book too! Well actually it's kinda an old book. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. The movie's coming out this year. I wonder if I can finish it by tomorrow...in which case I'd have to source for another read sometime this week in preparation for NDP rehearsals. I can't be psp-ing ALL the time.

NDP rehearsals are starting! Guess when? Next Saturday! And NDP is in August! DO THE MATH! Every Saturday for the next four months is going to be burnt, spent mostly waiting than anything else. Oh well. Who am I to complain?

Left 4 Dead is always so exciting. For a guy who gets bored of even the most spectacular of games, getting hooked to L4D for more than a week is pretty hard to believe.

"No...this isn't right."

This week's been a few things, and the two that stand out the most are : eventful and tiring.

Went out with my JC classmates to celebrate Jon's birthday at Jurong Point, of all places, although it's really not that bad a place once I actually set foot in it. We had dinner at Billy Bomber's, much to my dismay at first because if it's anything at all, it's overpriced. I did a keblakang-pusing in that thought when my Naked Gun burger with almost all the works arrived at my table. I didn't recognize it at all man. What I saw wasn't a burger. It was a ginormous monster of a meal with a beef patty the size of a small dishplate, as thick as a 300 page book, surrounded by jalapeno peppers, onions and lots of other stuff, all tucked into two huge bread buns, with onion rings on the side. That's not all. Accompanying the monstrosity were two bowls, one filled with mexican salsa, the other with melted cheese. I don't even want to talk about how enjoyable and filling that meal was. I might just jizz in my pants or something...

We went to the SAFRA near CMPB to play pool after that till around midnight. Was a really good game! A lot of laughs, a lot of ridiculous tyco shots which made it damn interesting.

Jon's driving was...spectacular. hahaha. I won't discuss that here. Let's just say it was a heart-in-mouth experience.

I slept at 2:30 that night, and had to wake up at 5:45 to go to work. I swear I was stoned man. Was considering taking U/L because I was so shack.

And last night Jem brought me to LFI to check things out. To my surprise, I met a few of my SAF Band mates there too. Was there till quite late, so I reached home at midnight. I didn't quite expect the introductory lecture to take such a long time. But I've got to hand it to some of the more accomplished guys there. There are people taking in $20k+++ easy every month. The power of multi-level marketing never ceases to amaze me, though I do admit it takes a lot of luck and opportunity to be able to be successful.

I've finally finished Breaking Dawn! And I am officially non-clinically depressed. That's like...the end of Twilight. THE END! I saw a 'The End' on the final page of the book and was just... T_T stupid Midnight Sun leak. I feel like such a SINNER having read it, though I only went through a few pages. Come on Stephenie...write a few more! WE LOVE YOU, NOT EDWARD!

With the rather exhausting mood of this week I've never really realized how much I miss mum. I do think of her often, of that I'm sure. I just can't wait till November till she comes back, then we get to try that retarded prank on people! I just know it's going to be so much fun. 7 more months! It'll pass sooner than we think.

Be strong and be happy, and soon you will be home. Love you =)