I've come to realize the many different facets of meaning when it comes to 'letting go'.

It could be the total diminishing of all feelings toward the person. But is that really possible?

It could be the granting of forgiveness. I feel only those with the biggest of hearts are able to do this.

It could be erasing the person from your life in all its entirety, being that there would be no feelings for it if it were not there at all. This, to me, is contemptuously immature, though.

It could also be the acceptance of the person in all its character and ways, be it amiably or in contempt. Seems the best way?

Is it really possible that acceptance can be achieved without any forgiveness? How can someone accept something when every time he sees it or thinks of it, his heart is torn over and over again, and his eyes are searing with hate?

Is it really possible to come to understand and accept a person's character as something so overwhelmingly loathsome and still allow it to exist in your life?

Everyone has his own set of choices to choose from, neither of which we have any power to influence with any confirmed effect. Choices are made and pathways are set; they are not for us to walk on.

But like any physical pathway on the face of this Earth, it can remain a scar on the map of your life.

A scar I can do without.

For thee who hath sinned against me, seek no forgiveness, for you shall be granted none; and cursed be thy name, a presence which ignites my loathing, the constant beckoning a nightmarish haunting.

It's Saturday night. That means the day of wasting time is almost over. Almost. But who am I to complain? Wasting time is part of NS life anyway, regardless of which unit you're in. I should be glad I'm not sitting around sweating my ass off in long 4.

Some things, in general, haven't changed...and some things will never change. That's a little sad considering what I'm talking about. No one knows what I'm talking about, right? Good. So what I've said can either make a lot of sense, or most probably right now, no sense at all.

It feels almost easy to wipe someone right off the face of the earth. No, I'm not talking about murder. Oh, it's so very cruel, yes. So immature. Such a stark display of a serious lack of interpersonal ability! Yet so very tempting. Childish things can be tempting at times, no? Once you've accepted the fact that you want it, it's that easy not to turn back.

I must have been telling lies all this time, then! Then again...lies are kind of a one-for-one thing, aren't they? Trust is so overrated. Notice how people say things differently to suit their current situations? How can there be any truth anymore, when every opinion yields a different understanding...on top of that, opinions are always changing.

I'm tired of being used. Used? No, how could I ever say that I'm being used? Manipulated is a better word. Wait, I'm not even sure if that's the case in reality. Everything seems very cryptic right about now, huh? Some people are going to suffer. How very selfish I can be. Does one really need to be cruel to be kind?

If there's one thing I've learnt over the past few months....

It's that my room is inexplicably and unbearably stuffy.

Feels like a night of randomness.

Pseudo-magic, walk this way
Always the lead in every play
You bring suffering
You bring pain
Life's like this it's just a game

No more hope, no need to pray
Get what you want and walk away
Afford yourself nothing but disdain
Joy and love was what you claimed

I see you.

I see time slip away.

I see lies.

I see gut-wrenching pain.

It has surfaced.

The passing of today has reminded me about a few things.

1. Nothing ever goes according to plan
2. Rolling on a snare drum to a tempo that resides in the middle of nowhere, i.e. 100-128 is rather vexing
3. Being asked to roll 'tighter' on a piano roll to a tempo that resides in the middle of nowhere is even more vexing
4. It is possible to induce great laughter under stress in the confines of a recording studio.

I need a better excuse for not being able to handle my instrument better.

Being back at work is a little more than a shock after 4 days of wasting my time away at home. Long weekends do feel very, very brief relative to shorter (or rather, normal) ones.

Dota-ing also makes me miss out on conversations I would much prefer to have over chasing pixels. It's already happened one too many times and with every instance I feel more guilty than the last.

I miss you like wolverine misses the moon. Except I do get to touch you again.

The "boys life application" study bible.

Wonder what's in it.

Been a long time, but I still feel the disgust in my gut.

Strange.

Why can't I just understand?

This could be debilitating.

This is why I hate it when my mum talks to be about Christianity and how much I need it before 'the world ends'.

It's a good conversation, until a biased point is made (usually by her). An argument follows and I then have to choose to be aggressive in defending a point or defensive in hopes of not aggravating the already exceedingly awkward situation; a situation I never chose to be in. These arguments never end well and in the end, one or both of us walks away feeling less than happy.

Call me a classic cynic, but preaching has a totally opposite effect on me from what it is intended to achieve. Repeatedly pounding onto me something you believe to be true makes me more skeptical with every attempt.

Don't push me. I apologize for the abrasive use of language, but don't fucking push me. For with every push, I move further away from what you seek.

Here comes the long weekend!

My entire upper body is aching from working out at Raffles Place' California Fitness. Sorry, I've joined the dark side. I'm going to be $63.13 poorer every month for yet another commitment. Add that to the protein shakes I'm expecting to fork out for at least thrice a week...Okay let's not go there. It's getting rather depressing.

The SMU interview went pretty well I suppose. It's...unconventional. Interesting and rather stress-free, though. Lucky me, I didn't prepare anything business-related for the interview. I didn't have the time, anyway. All I had in my head was dota and that particularly mesmerizing marimba piece. They didn't test anything business related at all. I still kinda like that foot and a half tall jar of mustard and the fact that I actually had the idea of running around campus pelting everyone with mustard filled balloons.

Got myself another Steve Berry. The Romanov Prophecy. Promises to be a good read...another trusty companion for my boring work afternoons (when I'm not practicing, anyways. And yes, I do practice and not slack off the entire day as some people might think.)

When will this longing fade...