Okay I'm back to blog after almost a week of being MIA. just too busy to blog I guess. The rest of the time...just pure lazy.

Yesterday was a very tiring day. Got up at about 8:30am to go to school...moved instruments and stuff, then by 11am we were at VCH already. Ran through a few times...bla bla bla, den concert started at around 7:30pm. Won't elaborate on the concert though. Wasn't exactly the best for me. By the time I got home it was already 12am. Or to be precise...11:59pm. Happened to notice the clock arms when I looked up.

But something keeps bugging me from yesterday and I can't quite seem to forget it. And I'm starting to have doubts about myself.

A few friends of mine said the band was lousy in the first half; I met them during the intermission. Even put it across to me in a joking manner. I take criticism well, but this was too much. It was like telling me straight in my face "it's fucked up" well, someone felt pretty fucked up after that, and that was me.

Sometimes people may innocently think that you're here to support them, and like, they expect a little encouragement and support rather than something as destructive as that. So much for going out and looking for some words of encouragement. I got ridiculed instead.

I guess I was right when I said that besides yan wen, chen pei, atika and chang yuan, no one else was there for the purpose of supporting me.

Well for me and the rest of the TPJC band members, yesterday was our peak. At least for the first two songs. It was our best amongst all the times we played and replayed it over the past few weeks and months...and if that's not good enough, well that leaves me two things to say, but I can't possibly say them at once.

1. "I'm sorry for being a disappointment"
2. "Fuck off."

 okay i'm not in the best of moods so here's a very short entry...a very very short entry.

"who/what have I become?"

don't want to reach a point where I start to become a loner. I can never be a loner...I always need people by my side, and no matter who it is, it always works for me. Don't want to be a loner. sucks. I thought about that for a while today. I wondered why this feeling of emptiness was constantly hovering over me.

*sigh*

 Once again i'm reliving feelings i've felt months ago...feelings whereby you just feel empty...I feel totally weird and without anything that can possibly explain it.

I've noticed I've changed...somehow. But like myself in every situation similar to this; I cannot explain this change...or changes...for myself.

nah...i dunno. I have absolutely no idea what to say nor do I have words to express my feelings in any way. I just feel...like a ghost. An apparition which is missing something...and in its case, it's missing form. Missing colour, and life.

I dunno. Maybe someone could tell me.

Tomorrow seems to be the last straw for the Titans. And it also seems that now I am truly lost for words. What have I to say since I've already said everything months before...and everything I've already mentioned; I feel I've repeated too many times.

Alas, if fate allows that this great family be separated...by the will of so few whose hearts are shrouded in clouds of darkness...then so be it.

If the Titans are to go their separate ways and achieve their own goals in music and marching...so be it.

If tears are to be shed, inspiring words to be said, sorrow to be openly expressed...so be it.

It really is true that there is nothing we can do. All we can do is just take a step back...and remember everything we did in the past, and keep it in our hearts forever for us to ponder, remember, and take reference from. The past of a Titan is a great one. Though people don't see it, we're really a different kind from anyone else. People don't understand. They can only stand back and view our prowess from afar, but they are not even remotely aware of what is going on in our minds and hearts.

But that's another matter all together.

Titans will look back at their past and realize that they're really a different kind; a kind which is stronger, iron-willed, and filled with an endless zeal. And it's this that will spur them to look forward.

Look forward, Titans; do not be held back by the past. The past, which had made you great, likewise can be your downfall if you are to hold on to it too tightly. Make way for new improvement. Let go what is to be let go. But hold on to memories that are close to your heart.

The newest chapter in your book of life is locked...

The key lies in determination.

Godspeed.

 Sometimes..you just feel as if you lose things. Things that you feel...can never be retrieved ever again. And what pulls at your heartstrings as if these things aren't really 'things', but living, breathing humans...those particular group of humans you call : friends. But the bright side always has something to hold, and its mercy for you is bleak, though those who you consider lost...do not leave all at an instant. Sometimes you just feel different around a person, and sometimes you don't, perhaps due to some personal reason. But most of the time you start to see the change...see the difference in someone you saw as close to your heart. So why is it that I say you lose these people?

"People change...and what's so disheartening is that you know...and you can't change them back."

That is when your little world starts to darken a little and a slight cloud of regret starts to form over your soul. So you say you can't change them back...poof...they're gone. You lose them completely, not in the physical state, but more as psychological. And that piece of a puzzle you took so long to assemble...starts to fade away. And the emptiness, though so small that it could've been insignificant at first sight...starts to sink in. But other pieces around it stay solidly settled though the order had been broken.

Why?

That's a question left unanswered for me. Friends...pieces of a lifelong puzzle...can you just imagine the thousands...tens of thousands...hundreds of thousands of such puzzle pieces being put together throughout the course of your life...and most of the time, you are just not able to step back and view the picture of your life from any angle possibly. Get it? Simply because it's not finished. And it never will, until the day when life starts to fade away from your body, and when people take notice of the loss of someone dear to them. Then the final piece is put in place. It's like...putting together an art piece...something to represent your life; what you did, where you went, who you met, who you loved, cared for, hoped for; what you dreamed for. It's like sending the finished picture to a competition held in Heaven where the Angels are the judges of your workpiece...

how are you to represent your life?

A peaceful garden filled with bliss, beautiful blooming flowers, low trees providing shade while being careful not to completely block out the warm, decadent rays of light. And in the middle of the garden...a loving couple. Your life as one with everything anyone could ask for. Not the material things.
Not the things adolescents hanker for every now and then these days. But the things that everyone else considers eternally priceless; love, care, concern, contentment, humility, wisdom. The little things the majority consider to be second priority, while the minority...the enlightened minority...consider to be second nature.

Or a vengeful or sorrowful picture...a battlefield where soldiers are dying, the wounded crying, the epic sight of both cold blooded murder and hopeful tears flowing from weary eyes. In the soldiers minds flash vivid pictures of their family...their mums, dads... children... Ones they  hold dear, the only ones they could ever tear for. The drummers continue playing their zealous rhythms with frightening tenacity as the huge cannons behind them blast away, hurling giant balls of metal and steel into ranks of soldiers on the other side...A scene of horror, death, and sorrow.

How could you paint your picture of life? Or rather...how would you fit your pieces of your lifetime puzzle?

Finding it difficult at times...when the people around you seem to turn into others you cannot possibly recognize...their words you cannot accept and understand; their actions a mere blur because you cannot believe that they are capable of such behaviour. One piece of the puzzle is missing, as day by day, the puzzle continues to grow. That piece is but hope dangling by a thread...You ponder over its fate...

Its fate?

Your fate?

There isn't a chance for you to pick up the pieces and start over; what's done is done. But there's a hopeful catch : what seemed to be lost...could be retrieved...perhaps for a price. But any price...would certainly be worthwhile. Because that piece...is a testament to your entire life.

Fate does not decide which pieces you pick up along the way.

Fate does not keep inside you, the words you wish to say.

Fate does not remind you that your life is getting worse everyday.

Fate is a liability to yourself....if you wish to accept fate, you accept the consequences. Don't trust fate, but instead trust your intuition, your feelings; your heart, mind and soul. Don't follow the crowd because fate allows.

Don't succumb to pressure. Don't hold back because of the past.

"People change...and what's so disheartening is that you know...and you can't change them back."

 Ok I've not updated for quite a while and I think some of my avid readers are starting to miss me...so here goes.

Today was NBC...and Titans Marching Band got a Gold at 85% which made us the Top Band for the 3rd Div!!! Don't look down on us just because we joined the third div okay. For a band which switched from outdoor to indoor in just a matter of months, getting top band is an achievement that was once unimaginable in our minds...Well today I played the new snare, which Hidayat was right because the unseasoned-feel made if very difficult to feel with, and even worse to roll with. Rolling at very low dynamic ranges was a horror for me. I was trying my very best to keep it as smooth as possible. Damn that new snare. Need to season that for a few years...HAHA! A FEW YEARS! did I mention I froze for one count in the middle of the fast section? Maybe most of you guys didn't hear it. But what scared me out of my wits when the song ended was what I heard from Faiz and Aqidah

"Why you suddenly stop sia one part?"

Oh my god. That's how obvious it was. But maybe not so to the audience, since it was only in close proximity. Everyone else didn't notice (or did you, guys??) I thought that stupid move would cost us the gold. Can you imagine having one count of semiquavers empty...in a section where the snare drum should always be heard. It was downright scary. But the results made it all worthwhile. It's proof of our versatility. Yah, if we were SO DAMN versatile we could've made it in div 1 right. To be frank, we ain't that good YET. =)

Okay...new topic. A thought came across me today about how my mum 'cares' for me. I'm stuck in a grey area and I'm wondering whether I am to decide on how she treats me overall. Sometimes I think I'm just a ragdoll for her everyday use. Other times I just feel like I'm handcuffed to her. Here's a few examples.

No. 1 : "Better do well for your promos...If you retain one year very malu you know (malu = paiseh = embarrassing)"

Anything wrong with this sentence? Maybe not at first. But wouldn't it be better to encourage me with more inspiring words to motivate study then to use her MIAN ZI (face/pride) instead? So she's saying the downside only falls on her where my retaining results on her losing face. Not very caring of her.

No. 2 : "Faster come and sleep okay tomorrow I have to wake up early for YOU!"

So it's not about me, is it? It's about you.

Continuation from No. 2 :

"I'll sleep in my room then. So you can sleep in peace and I can wake up myself tomorrow"
"Sleep in your room no need electricity? Who's paying for the e-bills around here? ME!"

Okay...so it's about the money isn't it? It's always about the money.

And after seeing zach's parents coming to give their support for NBC today, I felt embarrassed as to how much my mum is unsupportive of me being with the Titans Band. She has no sense of appreciation for passion beyond imagination. Musicianship could be alienlike to her...thought she admitted that she once joined the band in her secondary school days. The school? Bukit Panjang Govt High. Surprised? She quit not long after. So it doesn't count. No wonder she has no experience of what I have till today.

Alright, I'm just about done. And tomorrow (and every sunday, in fact) I've got tuition for Maths [you know, the one i failed just because i didn't study. JUST BECAUSE.] which she firmly put me in in effort to improve my maths before the promos so that she doesn't lose face. In the end, it's about her, isn't it?

Negativity seems to be the theme for most of my entries this month and last month. Sorry about that. Well, that's my life for you.

 Today was A level chinese oral...HAHAHAHA..you guys can almost guess how well I did for it (or, to better put it, how badly I did.) Oral for me ended at like 4pm, so it didn't make a difference whether we went for lessons or not. We were dismissed at 12:50 to prepare for the exam (prepare what shit?) then the exam started at like 2:00pm. The last few people were there stoning lah...till our turns came...that included me mind you. I seem to always be at the back at ANY oral examination. Wonder if I'll have to retake chinese next year. Hope not...my timetable will be seriously screwed up if I do.

Nothing much to say now, except that I'm still very patiently (and excitedly) waiting for my mum's 1.5k grant to build my new computer...the one i'm using now, frankly, is pissing me off. I can almost taste the jump of performance when I build the new one. Won't go into details. You guys would probably call me a geek. Well, if I am a geek, when I finish with my new computer, I'll be a proud one!

It seems as though now I treat watching the Cavaliers like taking drugs; a few days without it would have my fingers twitching and myself breaking out in cold sweat -.- perhaps not so extreme in terms of withdrawal symptoms, but I keep having this urge to watch that incredible Corp's impressive shows. Particularly, and most recently is the Cavaliers' The Planets show that was performed way back in 1995. It's the kind that makes your hair stand. Common with any Cavaliers show, the viewers' hair always stand on end during the final movement. And The Planets is a wonderful example of how awe-inspiring they can be. And it seems that this particular drum corps has been the one that had inspired dreams and visions in some of us. Well, specifically speaking, me. Watching this drum corp perform makes me just plain jealous.

"Damn, I wish the Titans could perform like that."

Well, they're a long way behind. And they've got alot more work to do if they want to put up an internationally recognized performance such as those in the DCI. I've got plans for both bands; syafiq's got plans for both bands...and we plan to come together and discuss each others' thoughts and ideas in months to come. I don't understand why bands in Singapore prefer to keep to the traditional British style.

They all know that the DCI is the leading authority in marching bands and their drum corps can perform much better than any british band (perhaps). What's important is that we feel the American style would open up new areas for us to build on; and on the performance side; it's much more entertaining and requires a much higher level of expertise than what is judged now, on both the marching and musical side it's like combining the SYF Indoor AND Outdoor.

Oh well. We'll leave that up to the government to decide. We can't keep hiding in our own 'british musical box'.

Personally, and a little eye candy for any snare drummers who come by this blog : I plan to change the grip to traditional by 2010. TRADITIONAL, SNARE DRUMMERS!

Singapore wants to get into the World Cup by then. Well, they probably won't make it, but many singaporeans will see that the Springfield and Ping Yi Marching Band drumline will perform in a totally new concept and with skills pioneering in Singapore. I won't leave out the pit percussion either. These guys are not to be looked as those with a lower level of skill. In fact, personally I think they need to have skills that surpass that of the drumline in order to be of performance-quality. I'll make sure of that.

I'm off to watch the Planets...for the 10th+ time this month =)

cheers

 Looks like I'll be joining NBC afterall...nice to play concert style with the main band after such a long absence. The last time was like, last year or something. And playing the snare drum is really something else. Seems the snare drum is getting lower and lower. Now not only do I have to modify my position...I have to arch my back so that I can reach and get a good response...good thing mr poh's buying a new black swamp snare for the section. The snare drum in TPJC band now is black swamp and it's really really SHIOK to play man...hahahaha. Can't wait to perform accolada.

I've taken note everytime this happens and today I'll share it with you guys here. My mum has a nasty habit of bullying my grandmother...she seems to pick at every little thing she does. She's old! can she help it? Things like blocking the tv while cleaning the table (yah, she cleans the table instead of mum), doing things slower than my mum expects her to, well lots of stuff that happens around the house (well negative ones) are mostly blamed on my grandmother. I mean like, she's your mum, for goodness sake, the one who brought you up from nothing to something for the past like twenty-odd years? So what if you're the owner of the house; the breadwinner? You have to respect your benefactor! your own mother man...I should tell her; when I grow up and start earning for myself, when I afford my own car and lodging, would you rather me treat you the same way you treated your mum, or would you like me to give you the most comfortable life I can provide? It's against everyone's principles to treat one's mum this way. I want to speak up, but in the end I get scolded, and then her sour mood turns to me to release her rantings. Sometimes I wonder....

oh well. The scoldings have stopped. And I expect more later. Still deciding on whether to speak up for granny.

Concert for TPJC band and guitar ensemble at the end of this month at VCH...looking forward to it. Especially playing Movement for Rosa on the snare. It's freakin wonderful man...really really really fun to play. Lots of skill involved; speed, accuracy, feel.... I like it when a snare piece is demanding. More on the concert side though. Marching snare pieces are like torture devices. hahahahahhaa. to me, actually, since development on the marching side hasn't been going up since the end of the SYF. gotta do my best this time. and everytime after. =)

see you guys..cheers!

 okay...this time my updating of this blog has been quite irregular. Sometimes I spend minutes just staring at the internet explorer icon asking myself whether I should update my blog. Well obviously most of the time laziness got the better of me; and my especially twitchy fingers today should account for my interest in blogging. Things have been happening lately.

One of which is getting back my maths and chemistry results. Nope. Failed miserably for both. I've never been too shy to share results, good or bad, so here it is.

Maths: 18/70
Chemistry: 39/100

There you go...the after-effect of inadequate study time and depth. Aiming for top in chem and an A in physics for my promos. Maths? a B will do I guess for this time. Perhaps I can pull it up if I can work hard enough.

Second thing...Today my band teacher in charge announced the new committee posts, and I was there sitting on the floor at the back of the band room with the rest of the percussionists. My section leader had given us cards and chocolate early that afternoon to mark her stepping down. In addition me and bertram had to take warmups separately and each conduct one piece...I had to to second suite in F -.- I must say it's stressful looking at the conductor's score and listening intently to how the section plays. and conducting 5/4 is a little awkward for me. Corrected quite a few things. Quite happy with that I think. Back to the cards. She'd hinted that I'd be a "leader" soon. I knew when I saw that it was time to panic. Fortunately her little notion didn't result in as big a dedication as I imagined.

"Okay...section leaders...would you like me to start from the front or from the back? Ok, from the back...percussion section....Khairul"

"Oh great." -- the flabbergasted khairul

Didn't I tell doctor lee that I'd prefer not to have responsibilities in the band? Yes, perhaps it's just me trying to escape being reprimanded and having to organise things when I know I'm not good at it. But not now. I've been through these situations long enough and I choose not to run away from things now..better make the best use of the chance now, I guess. It's not everyone's chance to be a section leader. Just grateful (kind of) not to be the ex-co. Another of my section members became the president. Now it gets stressful as I have to give instructions to my boss. That makes the other members call him....the "boss's boss???" -.-

okay. enough of that.

Well, I have to wait till the end of the year in order for my mum to get me the parts for my new computer. Apparently prices have been dropping and will continue to do so until the end of the year. So I should be expecting to spend around 1.3k or even 1.2k for all the stuff. A good deal, I must say, for the good stuff I've chosen. The end of the year seems so far away to me. And in the middle of that long wait I've got promos. Oh yeah my A level chinese oral is next week. What the hell lah. What I hate the most. And it's coming this tuesday -.- speak more mandarin...nope. Maybe not. lol.

Sad to say I've wasted almost every cent of money I spent on subscribing for Newsweek. It was a painful two hundred plus for a two years' supply. Do you know why it was a waste? Tens of copies lie in a drawer collecting dust; some not even taken out of their plastic wrappings. I think I've only read say, five percent of all the information collected over the past few months. What am I going to do with all these magazines...I've never been a reader. What was I thinking to subscribe to that!?

I'm done. There's band tomorrow and due to the five day week (is it?) thing it's half day again. James tan...you faggot. Come tomorrow so I can shoot you a nasty glare and make your balls drop right to the ground.

"Hey...whose are these.....?"

it was boredom which drove me to blog today...I know I've not been around for quite some time. Here's the breakdown :

Friday : Band at TPJC from 2:30pm to 9.00pm
Saturday : Supposed to watch SYF Finals with the band, but fell sick (damn it!)
Sunday : Spent almost the whole day sleeping due to drowsiness caused by strong drugs
Monday : Youth Day (sorry poly guys =] ) had combined rehearsal from morning to noon then went to see doc... then played com the whole day; no mood to update (or rather just plain lazy)
Tuesday : Concert Day. 7.30am to 11.00pm out of house.

And today...is the deferred TPJC Polling day holiday. Yes, it seems weird and to some even unfair. But when given a holiday...damn, any student is obliged to take one.

The past few days have been hectic. It's either JC practices or being plain sick. That's me for you this week.

I gotta continue tomorrow. It's past bedtime and every tap from my keyboard mum hear's it aggravates her mood. Best not to receive a lecture before i  go to sleep.

cheers

and someone has been crawling under my skin all this time. such a bother.