Once again I'm blogging from the computer lab...just too lazy to do anything else. haha. my teacher's talking about something like defence...just got this huge green card to write down all our personal information...zzz. -.- Today's gonna be a looooong day for me...I finish school at 4:10 but I have extra chinese classes till 6 plus...idiotic lah. Start the day at 7am and end at 6pm. dun complain about today. Friday I start at 7am and end at 9pm. HAHAHAH. got band...got some performance next week. Yesterday two of my section ppl never come then I kena play drumset sian -.- I deprove so much can. Gotta start practicing on the drumset again...too used to playin on one drum already =)

It's been such a tiring week and everyday when I reach home it's already in the evening...and when I do I completely switch off without a care for anything. homework? Save it for tomorrow's breaks. Speaking of which I have two chinese compos which I am supposed to hand in today and I haven even started due to my plain laziness. Poly life better lahhh...no chinese, den so much more relaxed, though the learning depth is the same!! too bad nothing in poly has anything to do with what I want to do in the future...even if it did, it isn't as good as having some foundation in JC... oh well. I just got distracted by my friend to watch some supposedly funny video which wasn't...haha. now I've lost my momentum again. damn my three second memory can. I'm starting to think that this conjecture is true.

Saturday : PERCUSSION BBQ!!! wooooo...I get to see all my dear juniors again. You know what? I wish we could have bbqs every weekend. HAHAHA. that would be just great...well, for me. the section tee is comin today too...hope everyone paid already or the big guy will be in big trouble. the surprising thing is that my mum had no objections to me goin for the bbq...just on the condition that I couldn't stay over...what are the chances of that anyway? I suddenly have the urge to climb the spider web again. hahahaha.

Recently I've been having cravings for white chocolate. first it was those harmless little cookies and cream hersheys bars from seven eleven before going home...then it got bigger...to cadbury dream FAMILY BARS...and anyone who knows me would know how fast I can eat those. Most people eat family bars over a period of days. I finish one in a night. hahahahhahaa....and that great big white chocolate bar is like a gift from heaven melting in my mouth and going down my throat...hahaha. There's piano lesson today so I'm gonna get that on my way home...I HAVE TO CUT MY HAIR TOO!!! It's too long for me already...getting a little uncomfortable...I think this is the longest length of hair I've had for the past sixteen years...serious. hahahaha.

oh and one more thing

farzana's a NOT pervert magnet. =D =D =D =D =D =D

Almost a decade ago...mrs ng gek tiang, ex principal of springfield secondary school, brought the bands of springfield and ping yi secondary school together. That was even before the millenium, years and years ago. Not many people knew of that age of bands. Not many people knew those who were in the band at that time. At that time, the Titans to be were merely in obscurity, faded and blurred by the other bands, and it continued to be that way until after the millenium, where things started to take a turn for the better. It shined brighter than ever. As it continued to climb, mrs ng showed more support, more and more, until its peak in 2004.

"The combined band of Springfield and Ping Yi secondary school : Gold."

That is when the Titans name shined greater than ever. In the past decade.

And again in 2006. GOLD Medal. We had more than half the band made up of sec ones and twos. Although we didn't manage to get into the finals, we showed everyone just how powerful the Titans unity and spirit could be. We maintained the medal, knowing that this year was just not ours. But if fate allows, we would come back together again in the year 2008, two years from now on this month. In two years, we'd get back into the scene and kick some ass. Top Display Band 2008 would be ours. It WILL be ours.

BUT THIS DREAM WILL CEASE TO BE A REALITY IF THIS POLITICAL CONTEST RAGES ON.

the dream that everyone had since too long ago. The dream that I had since I stepped into band.

The someone in springfield (who shall not be named) playing these politics will result in the disintegration of the Titans. A band that had come so far in the past ten years, split in one moment, then ceasing to exist altogether. Just think.

3 days ago on 22nd April. Central Judging of Display Bands. Where was she? PY sent sec2 to sec5. hundreds to come support us. and it was compulsory. Students in PY previously had sessions arranged by the PRINCIPAL to sit down during assemblies to practice their Titans cheers. Mrs woo, principal of PY sec came over personally. When the band was waiting for their results, tired, weary, on the brink of fainting, she brought water over to FEED them. This was the support she gave us.

What about SPF? she WAS NOT EVEN THERE. she sent sec twos to support us. sec twos. SEC TWOS. HOW MANY IS THAT. and it was a saturday. no lessons. no reason not to send more! what the hell is she thinking about? THIS is the support she gives the Titans. THIS is the support she gives CCAs in SPF sec. just because of her I don't even want to be associated with SPF anymore. Because of YOU. you heartless monster. After all we've been through YOU want to separate us because of your bloody POLITICAL goals. YOU think we're strong enough to conpete as individual bands. but have YOU given it a thought for once?

The Titans brought back medals (if that is all you care about you lousy fucker) because of their spirit as ONE BAND from TWO SCHOOLS. ONE BAND. if you split us now, we're effectively HALF a band and HALF OUR SPIRIT IS GONE! What then is the meaning of the Titans when we have to separate, and most likely we are to COMPETE AGAINST EACH OTHER in 2008 if that happens? WHAT IS THE MEANING? WE came this far together since god knows how long ago. As one Titans band. If we split, Titans tee shirt, Titans uniform, we can THROW IT ALL AWAY because it just holds no meaning anymore. have YOU given it a thought? If you think we can bring back medals for your lousy office display as individual bands then you're WRONG.

Let me tell everyone something. the Titans forged a spirit within themselves that is only harnessed when they are as ONE band. If they split, the members get to choose. Fight against what used to be one of you, or don't fight at all. For many if not all band members, the latter is what they are trying to put across. Kill not your own brethren. We refuse to fight against each other. Do not try to tell us that it is time to move on or whatever crap. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. The name we chose for our band two years ago will be nullified in meaning. Everything we worked for till today will go to WASTE. The emotions, the feelings, the achievements, we can toss them all out the window, because THIS BAND WILL CEASE TO EXIST!

All those fond memories all of us had, all the scoldings, everything was just so worth it.

this is how that person thinks now. this is just how heartless she is.


ACADEMICS ARE NOT EVERYTHING YOUR HEARTLESS MONSTER!

" I dunch now why, but I see disappointment in all your eyes..."

So this is how it ends.

"Band 8. Pingyi Springfield Secondary School.. Gold"

The Titans showed their might, at around 6pm yesterday. When the results were out, there were tears of joy, screams, wild movements...some, tears of sorrow. What has there to be sad about? The medal? The separation? If you ask me, yes, many of us were aiming for honours, but the gold, for now, is good enough. It's just not our year. Sure, we improved a damn hell lot. But TK, Bowen and Deyi sec...they did the same. Yes, they were better. But why don't you all think of it this way. When years pass, juniors become seniors, the band grows with more juniors, we'll be right back there again somewhere in the near future, fighting yet again with that same Titans spirit.

What have I to say?

"For the past five years...since I stepped into band when I was sec1 till today. This band...this section...I made it my life, and my dream. Today...my dream ends."

*tears*

"But there's one thing I want to say. All this time I spent with you, it's been great. I want to thank all of you, for making this dream so wonderful. But don't feel bad now. You did a great job. And believe me, there will be a day where the Titans come together again, and get that gold with honours somewhere in the future. Trust me on that."

My life...my dream. So ends a chapter. Without this dream spurring me to go forward with each passing day, I feel as if I'd lost a direction in life. There's nothing for me now. And if we really do go our separate ways, who knows how long it will be before it's time to come back together again. For this time, my dream has ended. All those times I spent with the percussion section; both drumline and sideline. Times when I was too harsh with them when I didn't know them well enough. Times when I got too frustrated. And the times they made me smile...all the time. The only thing I regret is not spending some real time with them, to get to know them, to encourage them as a friend. When I see them in the field again, the young ones...will be all grown up. With new additions. Older ones...asyraf and hidayat especially. they'll be with the alumni, am I right?

Snare Drummers --

Syahmi, Khairi, Sonia, Mavis, Carmen, Hidayat...

Except for hidayat, the next time I'll be seeing you guys (if you take part in outdoor 2008) is when you're in sec4, older, more experienced, more confident. Syahmi and khairi...you'll both be taller!!! I wonder how you will be in the near future. Mavis and Carmen!! You two ah, improved really alot alot alot!! except that you are just not confident enough! you know, snare drummers have the strongest confidence in the whole drumline. Remeber that! Continue improving guys! Sonia ahhh...everytime dun wan come school and come for band. Learn to be more devoted! this is your Titans band! and you should be proud to be a Titans snare drummer! As for hidayat, maybe he'll be staying with the alumni cuz he'd have graduated by then. Together, we'll bring up our juniors to be as good, or even better than we are now! Until that time, snare drummers of '06, keep working hard, be more confident! Because you are not just any snare drummers, you are Titans snare drummers!

Toms--

Asyraf, Tahir, Johann, Aqidah...

Oh, the pros of the percussion section. Especially aqidah; I think you're really really special. Like shane said, who would've thought you'd survive on the toms! It's a dream to watch all of you play on the toms. Tahir, Johann, in 2008 you'd be in sec4, and more pro than anyone could ever imagine!! Tahir tahir...keep growin, man. I think you'll be taller than me in '08 =) Asyraf, my snare buddy in '04! I've got nothing to say for you, except to keep that spirit up! You know why I got nothing to say? Because you're already one of the best. As long as you're from the '04 batch, you would know how you're expected to be. Although you would already graduate in '08, welcome you to the alumni! we can always be with the band even after we graduate! rock on, man.

Bass Drummers...*BOOM!*--

Faiz, Sufi, Ibrahim, Zheng Wei...

Bass drummers! you are kings of percussion, kings of the band. You keep the band going, you give the true pulse of the Titans! Being with all of you for the past year was wonderful. Times when teaching you all were frustrating, but look at you today. Bass drum masters. Gotta keep workin on the multiple bass!! By the next outdoor, I wanna hear that multiple sixlets!!! hahaha...Faiz, you joker. Everytime laughing and laughing. You make a really good bass drum leader. Keep leading your bass drummers well, and keep working hard! FOCUS!! Sufi, always listen to one another! When I saw you on the field, you were so pumped up it almost brought me to tears. Keep practicing those strokes! Ibrahim, Ibrahim. So tall, but you mentality is still not there. Learn to be more confident! I know you all were very confident and were not afraid at all durin the competition! keep up the good work! We're gonna KICK SOME ASS!!

Cymbalists --

Huifang, Faizah...

Wow, you two really bring up the spirit of the band alot. With you spinning, and your playing. I know it isn't easy to play the cymbals, because frankly I can't march with them! hahahaha...huifang, always bothering me on msn and sms! Sorry when I don't reply okay. You know why. hahaha. I know you've improved tremendously over the past few months. Keep working hard and keep improving! I know you'll be rock solid durin the next outdoor! Faizah, always playing around with me and giving that face. hahaha. I'm really proud of you for conquering your mentality and having the drive to go forward all the time! I remember you used to fall out frequently because you were tired. None of that now though!! I'm really proud. Like huifang, keep working hard! in the next outdoor, that glitter in the field will be from the spinnin of your cymbals!!! =)

Titans Drumline

I'm proud of all of you, really, for getting this far together. Seems you already have that bond in your heart, althought it's still not that strong. Remember that you are the pulse of the Titans, the heartbeat! As long as you all continue moving forward, I'm sure that there's nothing that can stop you. I love you guys! You were the ones that made my dream come true...and made it so beautiful! THANKS ALOT GUYS! CONQUER THE MIND, ACHIEVE THE DREAM! ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE THE BEST! CUZ NEXT TIME, WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME ASS! GO-TI-TANS, LETS GO!

Wooo...today finish school at 12:50 instead of 4:10...muahahaha. me and a group of friends ponned the last period..physics lecture to play cards at the rock wall there...HAHA! did a few pullups too...stomach still pain man. idiot. I feel so unfit can! Today I feel so bored, like nuthin to do liddat. It's raining miserably outside. funny, I was watchin a documentary on storms on tv just now, den it started pouring..thunder and stuff like that. -.-"

I was playin aeris' theme from FFVII if i'm not wrong..the one played durin the clip gim kai and qi zheng showed us some time ago. It was the song that made the titans cry....almost made me cry too. The thing is, when I played it...it was just the front part...remembered it from the song that day. It felt...so light, so airy, so calm and peaceful. First it was one hand...as I went on, I suddenly thought about the band...the day when they would separate..how would it be like? Then two hands. Glorified in a sense...the day...this saturday, 2 days from now. Where they would get their gold medal for sure. Two hands playing...my heart sank. I felt like the world collapsed on me...the day they would shake hands and say goodbye, the day tears are shed. I...just stopped.

And I cried.

We humans are a weird bunch. Though we try to live our lives simply and happily, we always seem, by ourselves, to find some way to complicate it, to mess it up, to give us untold, unexplained, and mostly unwanted emotions. We do things the hard way when the easy path is laid right before us. We take things the wrong way even though what's the truth is plain and simple. I'm a good example right now. Currently I'm trapped in one of those moody stupors where I feel I have a lot on my chest, rooted deep inside. But somehow I can't put my emotions in words. Is is supposed to be this way?

Ah, the heart and mind, two single syllable words, yet meaning so much and carrying so much weight! How these can manipulate you however they want and turn you into something you'd never expect!

Oh yes, you may say that only we can control our own minds. How about when you're in one of those occasions where decisions seem to come out of nowhere. That's probably your heart messing with your emotions and sending all the wrong things up to your mind. And that's where you get chained in this emotional abyss I'm in right now. Too profound? You have absolutely no idea how powerful that little red thingy in your chest is. Pumping away happily. It's messing with you. hahaha...I sound like an idiot don't I? Every day I go on rambling about these stuff when some of you may think it's not true at all. Well, for me, it is. Seems I've been like this for the past 16 years. Sad, but true. One of the paradoxes ruling my life right now.

Ever had one of those little mishaps where words seemed to come from out of nowhere? Thumbs moving by themselves typing things dictated by your heart and not your mind? And when you see the pop up "Message Sent" you realize :

"Oh shit."

hahaha...oh yes...one of those funny yet intensely frightening moments. Heart rate increases one hundred percent. Your next received message may spell the end of your life. hahaha. exaggeration? You might have felt that way some time or another. I did. -.-"

Or how about those times when you felt you should've done it the right way instead of the preferred way, like one of those situations you get mixed feelings. That blank, expressionless face you show when you try to make a quick decision. Nope. You end up standing there. stoned. -.-" what to do...what to do. It's amazing how you can make supposed mistakes in this situation. Never had one? Great. I seem to be the only one having all these weird encounters.

So, is this post more impressionist or more philosophical? Don't ask me, because I frankly can't tell.

Oh, the horror. I can count down to the Central Judging SYF on saturday with less than five fingers! Yes, only four days left. Those who have no idea, well, this four days can be counted down to either the BEGINNING, or, saddening. The END. Go figure why.

hmmm...something crossed my mind some time ago. Let's hear what you've to say about this, huh?

Love, isn't it sort of an irreplaceable thing? Like, once you move on from a relationship or at least like tried to move on, you get that empty feeling. Deep inside. Depressing, eh? Yes yes....it is. This comes to a point (which I really do not want to reach) where a loved one becomes a substitute as you move on. Moving away from past relationships find you looking for a new one. Strange? You thought you'd loved the previous one with all your heart, but in the end, found this attraction to another one. So what is the point of loving in the first place then?

It's like going to a money changer and asking him to exchange your old, tattered note for a fresh, new one. In return you get a sneer and a scolding. He shoves you a new note from under the glass partition. New love found, by force? or not by in individual's choice? This is where loving becomes meaningless....hai. four letter words...can be so complicated! still one of the unexplained things in life. Different people have different perceptions of love...true? Different people have different experiences in love...different feelings in love. So many variations, love has become something intangible. You shouldn't find this word in the dictionary anymore...because in everyone's dictionary, its different.

Love:

"Great"
"Secure"
"Painful"
"Sorrowful"
"Heartwarming"
"Breathtaking"

Oh, love can mean so many things. to me, love is :

"Something filling that special place in your heart. Love is blinding, yet love is binding. Love can make you, love can break you. Love can lift your spirits, lighten your soul. Love can dash the spirit, sour the soul"

The list goes on.

Why do I even dare to love anymore.

Went to visit my grandpa today at SGH...had a weird feelin when I reached the block...hey...realized it was the block farz's mum was warded in some time ago. No wonder so familiar. When my mum and I reached the ward we found him sleepin...didn't know what to do can? My mum was like, eh, wan to wake him up or not? In the end she did la. He got up damn fast. hahaha. think he just went to sleep or something. Talked for a while, actually my mum was the one doin the talking, I was just standing there looking at them. I'd answer the occasional question he asked me lah...I feel bad, budden whatever I should've said, my mum say already, so...well. After a while my aunt uncle and cousin came (dad's side). Then talked and talked...ended up talking about driving lessons and stuff. My cousin told me when she was takin lessons her instructor had a cane with him! and everytime she made a mistake, like, if she rested her hand on the gearshift, he'd hit her hand. lol. what the hell. if my driving instructor hit me, I'd grab the cane and cane his FACE! haha...

"Not happy is it? Bring me to ur house. I cane your mother!"

Ok enough of the crappy stuff. haha. after that we talked about my cousin's miscarriage of her third child -.-" I won't go into that....

Left SGH at around...one? sian lehhh. Take cab to and fro 24 bucks...heart pain for my mum. LOL. but anyway if I told her to take MRT she also lazy haha...

After that went to my aunt's house..to do the usual...gave my cousin some deliverance by taking over my aunt giving him tuition. HAHA. man, you should come over to my aunt's house when she's givin him tuition. WARZONE MAN. shouting, screaming, yelling, my cousin there poor thing can. I can't even bear to watch. but what can I do. haha. I only go over and give him some encouragement and help him out when my aunt goes away to do something. and when she comes back, it starts again...haiii. nothing to say. sometimes it's his fault for daydreaming lah. but the scoldings he gets are just too much...

haizzzzzzzzzzzz...still thinking of my lostlessness for not being able to go to ping yi next week. stupid TPJC band. my SL msged me just now to tell me that there's COMPULSORY sectionals tomorrow...with capital 'COMPULSORY'. fuck. that spoiled my mood really fast. Shan't talk about it anymore...if not I'll start breaking things.

see you =)

Long day today...whole day band. Though very very satisfying =) i've got good things AND bad things to share...hmmm...well, let me share the good stuff first, for the sake of all my readers out there =)

First thing, mr surapon came back to help out, just like he did last time. Man it's been a long time, but his face haven change. haha. and farz was like goin crazy over him la. head over heels man. hahahaha. "mr surapon fan club". lol. go figure. He really did lots of stuff on the music side with the band. The result? Fuller, rounder sound, excellent dynamics, better articulation. Too profound? Nicer music lahhh. =) He made gimmicks for the percussion section too. LOVE the swing part wave can. DAMN cute and DAMN nice lah. the band was cheering for them...haha. good job guys. Really appreciate to have him around to chip in all the extra stuff.

Second thing, SO MANY SENIORS came back to today can?? alot lah. to help out with the fans, some just to watch, others (well, the usual ones, doin the usual stuff). When they went up to the carpark it was like the entire stretch of the last level la. so nice to see all the alumni come back. And there's still more can. But they busy lah...-___-" still, a nice sight to behold.

Third thing, mr poh, mr liang and gim kai found a spy outside the school with a video cam. FILMING THE TITANS BAND ARE WE? Ohhhh did that guy get it good from the three of them. HAHA. GO BACK TO YOUR BAND AND TELL THEM HOW SCARED YOU WERE. trembling while holding the camera. and don't be such an idiot. hide behind the bushes no angle on the band also...another case where there is no limit to stupidity...hai. Anyway, I put this under the good stuff because it felt good catching a spy red handed. HAHA.

Fourth, last but not least, the percussion section. Really putting in effort today, and for that i'm proud. Especially at the end of the day when aqidah, johann and khairi fell down during the formation. aqidah and johann fell backward at the same time (wtf?) den khairi fell over johann. Disaster can. although aqidah picked herself up damn fast and got back into the formation. hahaha. must have panicked or something. Gim kai ran over to help johann and khairi. They also picked themselves up, must have had that sense of urgency. Ran back to their positions and played their music. Just like that! I was so proud watching them. I think they finally found it! =) Damn, I was so happy. Others would think I'm an idiot for thinking that way. Oh well. Anyway, huifang also fell at the terrace there...heard that she bled (NO, NOT THERE.) den she hit herself again and bleed again...zzzzzz. Be more careful can.

After band went off alone, then met khairi and the other band members at the bubble tea shop...den went to bedok interchange with a whole group of people. Went alone again...to take shuttle bus to parkway to meet my family...so tired, so moodless can. Janice actually thinks me and khairi are brothers. haha. great. we are what. =)

Ok after saying out all that BAD STUFF, I do feel much better. HAHAH! ok lah...7 more days. not much time left. put in your all, get yourself psyched up, pumped up, geared up...feel that gold with honours in your heart, feel that unity in your soul. And you're read. Roar with the Titans! =)

All the wasted days
Take the pain away

I thought my love would never change
I thought I'd see a better day
But still I'm broken deep inside
If I could only touch your face
Fix your eyes with that lovin gaze
Everything still seems to be a lie

Angels keep the love inside me
Devils try to take it from me
Voices always want to tell me
Give it up it's not that easy

But I fight back my heart keeps beatin'
Though my feelings are deceivin'
Cuz I see the day when we're together
One heart one love lasts forever

Standin' bold I won't be leavin'
Sleepin' soundly I'm still dreamin'
Of a day when we embrace each other
Ends the years I bravely suffer...

Proven that my love won't die...
With wings of love I will fly...


[to be continued]

Can't go to Ping Yi's speech day performance today because I've piano later...hai. This is the kind of situation where I really feel lost. But still, I can't afford to be sore about it. Like chen pei, always wanted to come for band, but mum dun allow, instead make her stay at home and work like a horse, keep giving her work to do. Last time it was working which let her go for band pracs (that was her so called 'salary'). Then it was not goin for band at all and workin all day and night. Now it's better lah, at least she lets her go...nevermind. I believe the band will do well. I can picture their performance in my head. In fact, I've been thinking of their performance since I was in school...wonderful...absolutely spectacular.

Oh the competition day is drawing nearer and nearer...the number of days left has dropped to but a single digit. Nine days, people...nine days. One saturday practice, a couple or more next week to get everything done and straighten out everything else. This comin saturday I plan to make justin more confident in playin the timpani...he still doesn't have that guai lan face an outdoor performer (and timpanist, in fact)...haha. Yup. Lots of time to do it on saturday. As for the rest of the sideline, see what I can do. Sound not compact enough...so it ends up sounding horribly messy. Gotta settle that. Though I think shane's done it already, haven't you shane? =) drumline...well, confidence not there, as always. Seems that they haven't found *it* yet.

Speaking of which, percussionists, only nine more days. I seem to be saying something stupid, and in fact it may seem impossible, but you need to get that unity bond within you...you need that innate telepathical ability. I know, because that was what won us the gold back in '04. Trust me. Something as ridiculously simple as unity can do so so much. Such a powerful thing. Respect that word, because that is what brings you together (literally) and that is what will make you perform....like a Titan. Titans earn their name through unity, perseverance and the like, the stuff you learn during your tough, tiring, yet so satisfying years in band. Not just any band. You get the picture. The top of them all : A Marching Band.

Seems I've been repeating my words over and over again over the many days and weeks I've been blogging. It's just this little thing that's been bugging me for so long. I worry you won't be able to find that special unity within yourselves that you will not be able to perform on the field on that day. NO, I'm not concerned about the medal. I'm concerned about your bond. This bond will bring you up, sometimes it can bring you down. This bond is what will make you cry bitterly when you separate. This bond...stays in your heart forever.

You guys laugh it off as something far too emotional when I talk to you about it. You don't understand, do you? I speak the truth when I speak from my heart. I don't know whether it's because you don't care, or because you're too young or not mature enough to understand. But I don't care.

Unity.

Think.

9 Days.

AHHHH! I wouldn't be blogging now if I wasn't so insanely angry!!!!!

Five minutes ago samantha told me that ping yi speech day was from 4:30 to 8:30pm tomorrow. SO HAPPY CAN!?!?!?

Went outside ask my mum. She said ok.

THEN

"EH! you have piano tomorrow remember! no...sorry."

WAH LAU EHHHHHHHHHHHH I ALSO JUST REMEMBERED LAH!!!!!

so pissed off can. from happy to sad in less than one minute. The things I can do.

-________________-"

"Gold With Honours"

Why?

The simplest yet most powerful word I've ever known.

Ready?

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unity.

This is how I feel.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with youis a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wonderin' if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing



never want to miss a thing...

Feeling quite moodless now...when I dun get to go for band, there are so many things I don't get to do, so many people I miss, so many emotions trapped inside me. The Titans feeling stays, thats what attracts me to them so much. Even that day after the spf speech day, when the Titans were boarding the buses, I stood there, trying so hard to decide whether to go with them or not. It was either go, and get scolded by my mum for reaching home so late, or stay and get home early...I don't know which part of me chose to stay. And I did. As I walked out of school toward the 293 bus stop, I felt just plain lonely. I felt as if I'd done something terribly wrong...haiz...

Is it a crime to be devoted? Is it a crime to hold something so close to your heart...

14 days to the competition. I started counting down from one month. There's already just 14 days left. Every passing day I log on and change the number...and I dunno whether I should feel excited, or to feel scared. Not scared for myself, but something me and the other seniors, and mr poh, and all those who came back to show support, to help out, to sharpen every single member. Scared of the disappointment, scared of the sheer waste, scared of wasting this one last chance. It really is our last chance. Once this is gone, there will still live the Titans Marching Band, but not physically.

Sometimes I think to myself, what would I do on the day we separate? Would I shake hands and just simply say goodbye, like I did two years ago? Or would I shatter, and cry bitterly. I think the latter suits me more now. All the memories, all that I've seen them go through, every little thing, I remember. And when it's time to go, obviously, I won't want to. Perhaps it's partly my fault in the first place for deciding to feel so lousy. I've made this band my second life, though people tell me to move on.

"Oh come on, it's just your secondary school band."

No. Not just any secondary school band. It was my Titans Marching Band, the one which made me what I am today. The one which holds a special place in my heart, the one which made me realize the true power of my spirit and soul. The one which brought out the most extreme of emotions. The band where my best friends are, the ones I really cannot live without. The ones I care for so much...Let's not go to that. This is my Titans Marching Band and I am proud. And this band will remain my second life until I choose to renounce it. Right now, I'm not ready. The spirit of the Titans...is unforgettable. I can't abandon it just because I want to.

How difficult is it to abandon something so meaningful, it's become a part of you?

You can never begin to imagine.

Today's practice was absolutely phenomenal...I've never felt so afraid standing in front of the band when they are performing. They're so good, they're scary. Of course, no matter how good you are, there are always those little things that can be improved. Gimmicks cannot overpower music. Something very important there. Whatever it is, whatever you're supposed to play MUST be played. Not only played, but HEARD. dressing, every little inch you're out of, will cause the band's overall dressing to be out by metres. And every little detail in the marching aspect : posture, every step and every movement, how high you hold your instrument...everything's counted. If you're not interested in the points, then at least, for yourself, for your own satisfaction, hold yourself, and your instrument up high to show, this is the way a Titan should be.

"I am a Titan and you who stands before me, cower in fear."

Isn't it true?

There was something wrong with the percussion section today...not just the drumline, but the sideline too. When shane came we had a long talk with them, with mr poh as our audience, though he didn't say anything. Maybe he thought we had everything under control. Attendance was the problem. Yesterday apparently 8 out of 13 sideline percussionists turned up, out of which two left early. And yesterday was a special practice arranged for them. That really got shane pissed off. If it were me, I'd be blowing my top too. Two weeks to the competition and people like michelle are still not turning up, for reasons that are well beyond valid. It's all about choice. Simple as that. Want to take michelle out of the competition...she's not worthy. Don't care how much she worked EARLIER. What matters is now. And after the talk, the sideline really performed well. Much better than when I took them in the morning. It's these little pep talks that gear them up. Works very well with the percussion section, I see. The same thing in '04, just that our talk was full of tears and anger. But still, it pulled us together, and that's where the bond was formed. There and then. Under that wooden shelter, next to the courtyard. I still remember.

After that when mr poh mr liang and qz went to the carpark opposite the school to film the band on the videocam. Oh did I mention, there was a spy there. And that moron thought that we actually couldn't see him. Don't tell me all of our hundred over people are blind? What an idiot. Can be more professional. Sounds like I'm inviting trouble. I look forward to seeing you on 22nd April. I'll have you heads rolling across the floor. Oh well, no need to anyway. I bet you're so terrified seeing our band performing that you peed in your pants, ran off screaming and forgot everything you saw. muaha. okay, back to the point.

They were filming the band perform, everybody was performing as if it was the competition itself, it was so good, until the end of fight club. Apparently the percussion section forgot to give the four beats to start off the next song, so there was a long pause...eerie silence. The kind you don't expect. Then the band broke down. That's where our hearts sank. I bet mr poh felt just horribly disappointed. So they went back and did the formation all over again.

This time it was okay since it was only during practice and the only problem was filming it again. but if it were to be on the field, the aftermath would be disastrous. Like mr poh said, once the band breaks down, even a silver could be a miracle. The band has such a mature and exciting repertoire, one of a kind formations, excellent gimmicks. A gold with honours is no problem, provided the band shows their spirit, that they absolutely have no break downs, a smooth flow through the entire formation, when everyone is 110% confident and united. That's what the judges are looking for, and that is what makes us great! This is what makes the Titans Marching Band, the Titans Marching Band.

So after band practice mr poh gathered the percussion section and talked to them, lectured them for having no initiative to start off the band even though the four beats were nowhere to be heard. True, they didn't. It just seems to weird that none of the 16 percussionists had the initiative to continue. They just stood there, stunned. Waiting for something that never came. Mr poh told them, everything was dependent on them. They're the pulse, the rhythm, the heartbeat of this Band. The percussion section, in itself, is different. The drumline is special in its own way. Not because of their physical appearance, but because of their spirit and flamboyance on the field. A percussionist can be indentified very easily in uniform. Even without his or her sticks and drum. There's something special in each of them that people can recognize, but can never understand. After that, shane started off the inspirational talks and 'waking up calls' for the percussion alumni...shane, syafiq, zack and I chipped in...and each time we spoke, they looked up, with that look of revelance on their faces.

After everything, I could feel from the section, the feeling of realization. Had they woken up yet?

"Regret, is a useless feeling on the field when the results are announced"

"On the competition day, I can tell you, you will NOT check your dressing, you will NOT listen to the bass drums, you will NOT look at the person in front of you and beside you. Why? Because everything is already right here in your heart. Once your are connected in your hearts, there is no need to do all those anymore."

As minutes pass, the time of the competition day gets closern and closer. And everyday is a day I think, will they make it? Will we make it?

Those who really put in effort, those who put their heart and soul into the band, those who offered their blood and sweat, those who cried for the band, those who want to be true Titans. On the night before the competition day, as you lay on your bed, trying to sleep early for the big day, your heartbeat races, you can't control it. You close your eyes but everytime you open them and hope it's morning, only a few minutes had passed. You toss and turn, run the formations, the gimmicks, the notes through your mind, you feel the power, you feel the rush. You wonder, are you ready yet?

That's right guys. You can't sleep. And I believe, only true Titans will feel this way.

I f***in hate school for the time being because it's keeping me from going back for band. There's only one more saturday left before the competition, and that's the only day I can go for band. F*** TPJC band man. F*** it for taking up my precious time. NO, it's NOT more important! I think I know whats more important at this point in time. And trust me, I AM thinking straight. Out of 6 practices left, I can only go for one. SUCKS TO THE BLOODY CORE. Maybe I'll pon TPJC band on wednesdays to go back. Finish school at 2:10 so can make it.


14 Days left. To the beginning, and the end.

Had a song in my mind today during physics tutorial...I could even hear the melody in my head! penned it down of course! how could I miss such an inspiration. Though a heartbreaking inspiration, well, haha. At least I can be happy with myself. I've written my first song! though the chorus is the only part I really like. The rest, well, I dunno. Make effort to improve? Maybe if I have the mood some other time......

Had sports day heats today...quite efficient of the teachers to have heats durin PE lessons...so it doesn't take up any more of our LONG DAYS...and you know what? I ran 4 x 400m today. HAHA! along with another three of my classmates...and did I mention that one of them is also named CHANG YUAN? But his surname is Tiang and he's from TKSS. haha. Ok, back to the topic. Most of you who are reading this would know that I am a sprinter, not a stamina runner. AND, when I say sprint, I mean...ZOOM! okay...haha.

But anyway, three of my classmates, sadil, raymond and chang yuan volunteered to run for the guys, then nobody else volunteered. Didn't want to waste any time or we'd get scolded by the teachers, and I thought it was a good experience since I haven't run 4 x 400m before in my entire life...so I volunteered =) and I was the first runner can. lol. stress ok. But still I think I did okay lah. teammates also said so. Although I slowed down during the last 100m cuz I was so damn tired and puffing [sorry la, no stamina right.], our class finished first, way ahead of the rest. This was thanks to raymond's long legs (HUGE STRIDES), sadil's impossible stamina, and chang yuan's long legs too. hahaha...wonder if our class qualified for the finals on sports day. gonna check it out on the webby later. Damn, I dunno if i'm gonna run for the class on sports day if we qualify. dunno if my legs can take it. Oh well, since today I already know how it feels, then on sports day I can push myself even further!! muahaha. anyway, this term we've got three fridays of NO LESSONS.

1. Sports Day
2.Good Friday
3. Vesak Day

Yes, to you all, this rocks. hahaha. but for me, it's got a downside too...you have no idea how much stuff you miss when you miss ONE day of school. Just how much can you learn in one day, you'll come to know soon enough. Damn, I found that lectures are absolutely indispensable...you learn so much in so little time! it's amazing. tutorials? For that fine tuning of your knowledge, I can say. The only time you waste in school are those boring, misplaced breaks on your timetable. Had two periods of consecutive breaks today...spent time in the canteen learning how to make straw hearts...HAHA! STRAW HEARTS OKAY! and I can make now! Maybe I'll pick up a pack of straws somewhere this week and start making some...hmmm...one day make 10, ten days make 100, 1 month make 300! LOL.

Okay, that sounds gay la maybe, but I think if guys can make it it's really cool. haha. don't ask me why okay.

Haiii...got GP homework to do and I'm not in the least of mood to get started. Maybe later lah...8 or 8.30. You know me. I do homework damn fast one. hahaha...signing off!

Everyone wants a little piece of the time machine...when I look back...to those good old times in '04, I realize, so many things have changed, so many new things have come, while the old ones seem to fade away, only brought back by the occasional graphic reminder, sometimes by oneself, like me, because frankly, I miss the past. So much.

When there were 96 people.

6 snare drummers
4 bass drummers
2 tom playas
2 cymbalists
2 field mallet percussionists

these were the fifteen (sixteen excluding me) that made the difference in my life. They were my heart and soul, well, at least we were each others'. Nothing can describe the bond between us. Yeah, we might not have known each other so well, but there always was something special. Really special. It was an aura. At the back of the band, on central judging, 17th april 2004, the aura spread. Together it overlapped with the aura of the band, then people knew.

These guys mean business.

The endless scoldings, punishments, endlessly flowing encouragement, discouragement, the rounds, the pushups.

Together. As one. as sixteen, then as ninety-six.

How was it that we could forge this unbreakable bond between us? I cannot possibly explain that. ninety six people. can you imagine? 96 people linked through heart, mind and soul. Remember when I said,

"I could take one look at that person and I know what he or she is thinking. I could look again and know what he or she is doing or is going to do. I understand the movements, I understand their motives. I understand their dreams. I know everything."

Might seem much of an overstatement. I'm not saying I'm God. But I'm saying...well, it was just that unity that mattered.

Everytime I think of that day, I still cannot comprehend. Nothing. I just don't know why. When I was performing...my soul seemed to seep out of my body and watch me from a higher place. Everything...my movements, strokes, all the formations, every little step came naturally. It was as if I had been programmed to do everything like a robot. But I didn't act like a robot at all. I was just this one passionate drummer, giving my all, or rather, more than my all. Aching muscles, jagged pain didn't slow me down. Chin up to the sky. Shoulders back and rigid, chest out. It was as if not even a bulldozer could move me. I could only control myself. Or rather, something else was controlling me. It was...an enormous adrenaline rush. [IF ANYONE HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE, TAG ME.]

And eight minutes passed. It just zipped by. At the end of everything I seemed to snap out of a trance I never even knew about. Something magical about it. Who wouldn've thought passion could be such a powerful thing? And no one could ever imagine what wonders unity can produce. Performing in front of a smaller crowd as compared to the thousands during the finals, was both a breeze, like sitting on top of a rainbow, and a destructive tornado. Musicality and passion are such intangible things [did i get the meaning right?] up till now, I still can't understand them. Even on the piano, playing a slow, minor nocturne, letting my imagination run wild, fingers softening to liquid. When it ends, I feel warm all over...I realized...I didn't even take one glance at my score. And it was only just that one time. Afer that I couldn't do it again.

Seems to come naturally doesn't it? As with many others.

And once again, '06 Titans are going to the national stadium...20 days from now. To beard the lion in his den [confront TKSS for the top band place]. Can we do it?

Let your Unity and Passion decide.

Went over to my aunt's house in the late afternoon yesterday to play mahjong...although I must say I did spend more time on the xbox than I did at the mahjong table =) that bloody ninja game was so difficult it had me hooked...and my cousins were always beside me, supporting me, though they were really annoying when I made mistakes and ended up dying -.-"

"Oh, die. K.O. So fast die already? How come you always die one?" -_____-"

Oh well. On to the main topic.

My aunt's dog wasn't very lively yesterday, and that troubled me and my mum. I told her last night, sparky [the dog's name] wasn't very lively today...I think he's getting old. You think it's his time to go already?

"Yeah, maybe. He's just about at the end of his life already, unless he has the strength to live longer."

That just pulled at my heartstrings...sparky's nine, same age as russell, my eldest cousin. For a dog, nine years old means he's an old man already...senior canine! But even at this age, before yesterday, he was as lively as a puppy. Everytime we arrived at my aunt's house, we'd hear this clicking noise coming from inside [the sound of sparky's claws hitting the parquet floor as he was scurrying to the door to greet us] and we knew it was him. And when my aunt or her maid opened the door he's jump up against the gate, claw it it, wag his little tail and stick out his tongue to greet us.

And you should see him when we got in. He'd greet us with licks, scurry all around us, jump up and expect you to catch his paws and walk with him [I always do. it's so cute!] and when he was done, he'd scurry back into the living room and play with the kids. But there was one thing I noticed about him. He really liked me alot. serious! everytime he'd follow me around, and when I sat down on the chairs in the living room he'd either sit below them, or jump up and sit beside me. Sometime's he'd crawl onto my lap and *ask* me to pat him or something. When we were on the floor, he'd roll onto his back and wait for you to scratch his tummy, or shake his paws. He really was an ecstatic dog. Sometimes my uncle even had to shout at him to tell him to stay put. He didn't really like my uncle because of all the shoutings. But he really loved the rest of us. Sometimes when you're a little distance away, he'd point his head in another direction, but really, at the corner of his eye, he'd be looking at you. And when you give in and ask him to come over, he'd run right over and jump onto you. Yeah...great times with that dog.

Although he's only been with us for 1 year or so [my aunt bought him when he was 7 or 8 years old], he really was part of the family. Before he came there was my aunt, uncle, 3 cousins and our maid. And when he was around, we remembered my aunt's family as, aunt, uncle, 3 cousins, maid and the humblest little creature, sparky the dog. Most of the time I'd ask my mum to go over to my aunt's house to play mahjong, but my real motive was to get to see sparky. Man, you can really tell when he misses you. He likes to cuddle beside you and really make you feel like he loves you. Well, I can tell because he always spends the most time with me. In a room full of people, and my cousins, he'd always come sit beside me.

Ok, to the point. If it really is his time to go soon, well then, there's nothing anyone can do, is there? What pains me is to see his energy draining and all he wants to do is sit down, lie around. Of course he enjoys the patting and cuddling, but really not as much as before. You know, it's times like these I'd say, the smallest things can make the biggest differences.

I really don't know what I'd do if he's gone one fine day. I don't know.

Guess why I'm blogging...cuz I just realized today that I've got fans! I'VE ACTUALLY GOT FANS! lol. ANDREW you're one of them. Anyone who tags my board. You're added to my fan list. hahaha. Since when have blogs become fan sites for individuals. It's crazy...

Okay. What happened today? Woke up at 7:30 to go for band...and gim kai showed the whole band this intensely touching video about the '04 Titans...the golden ones. [no airs] some guys cried...it was surprising at first, but I was at ease cuz I realized...these are the members who really want to be Titans. I respect them. Whether they realized that what they've been doing was not enough, or what would become of them if they weren't up to standard, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that they know now. I still remember back in '04...17th april. First step onto the track...the feeling was.

"Wah....!!! the time has come...HIONG AH!!!!"

And 8 minutes after...just 8 minutes, after months and months of gruelling training, it was all over. Combined band of Ping Yi Secondary School & Springfield Secondary School. The pause was short, but it seemed like forever! Everything seemed to slow down at that point. Ask any '04 Titans. They all had the same experience.

...
......
..........

GOLD.

Tell you frankly. I stood rigid, I stood fast, gripping my sticks hard. Chin up to the sky. And I cried tears of joy. Cried my heart out. There were guys on the field looking at me cuz I was crying. I didn't care. I think najib was beside me. He was cryin too. Smiles, tears of joy, the occasional laughter. I remembered how some burst into a joyous fit and geraldine had to turn around and make sure we stood fast. I don't know how she did it, but everytime a drum major puts your under his or her attention, you just stop everything. Everything. And everything ended at that instant. Marched up to our supporters, replayed the repertoire, in a tempo we didn't think we could manage. So fast, percussionists' strokes were a blur. But it was all within our reach. I think we actually wanted deep inside to go faster and faster. I looked up, elmi was smiling at me, nodding, clapping furiously.

"You did it man. You all did it."

I also remember, at one of the gates where everyone was celebrating after everything was over...I saw paul, holding his tuba up high, as if it was nothing like that. haha. I don't know why, but I went up to him and shook his hand, and said

"Paul, you're one of the best, man. good job."

He smiled...

That made my day. Looking back, it was the best day of my life. The very best. Nothing beats the feeling of performing like a Titan, winning like a Titan, and going home proud to be a Titan. Of course, at that time, we weren't actually Titans by name. But we all were, in our hearts and souls. The spirit was overwhelming it was an aura around us, it intimidated our opponents, it made us feel stronger by the moment. It was our X-Factor, this band's Weapon of Mass Destruction. We came, we saw, we OWNED.

A Titan : Someone who stands out in greatness of achievement.

I'd say we'd achieved GREATNESS. We are one band, we fight as one, we are on Titans Marching Band.

As for the '06 Titans, YOU'RE GETTING THERE! continue to put in your 110%. YES, 100% is NOT enough! Push yourself beyond your known limit, and soon you will discover, how great it is, to perform not as a normal band member, but as a TITAN. People will look at you on the streets, this person is special. They won't know why, but it's just that way. The Gold With HONOURS is within your reach. All you have to do is REACH!!! continue working hard. You'll get what you deserve.

Ok, I just got out from a bath [ yes, i left halfway. what were you thinking. ] and I lost my momentum...HAHA!!!! what else to say?

Yeap. The Titans legacy will continue...Gold to Gold with honours and after that, who knows? Maybe we'll be the first marching band to do stuff american style...wouldn't that be cool? Or maybe we should just stick to our own styles...we ARE after all...SINGAPOREAN! haha I'm being lame again.

Told my pit percussion before. Forgot when...[yes i AM forgetful...forgive me ok.]

"When you step up on the field to perform, in front of thousands of people, it just changes you forever. A competition as intense as this changes someone. It's something that makes people discover, how much one can really take. Truthfully, in all my training, I have never broken down even once. No matter how difficult it gets, us, all of us, manage to pull through. It's the mind. It's all in the mind! Pain is temporary, Glory is forever. CONQUER THE MIND, ACHIEVE THE DREAM! Everything we perceive is what our minds tell us. Pain. What is pain? Pain is a chain of electric signals send to our muscles in different parts of our body to tell us that that part hurts. Do something about it. But our mind says, forget the damn pain. The signals stop. They just stop! *surprised face*

What we feel is what our minds tell us to feel. What we don't want to feel, our hearts take over. Hearts bearing the Titans spirit. Hearts of steel. Cast aside what's insignificant. Concentrate on the task at hand. I remember, we used to do formations, from beginning to the end, over and over again. No, it wasn't stopping halfway then starting again. From beginning to the end, then,

"Ok, go back, fall in first block formation."

It was either after 2 or 3 times of the whole thing then mr poh gave us break. and the break? if he thought we were damn tired, 10 minutes. ten. if he didn't, 5 minutes. Just enough for us to put down our instruments, have a seat on the field and relax. I only ran to the canteen to drink during ten minute breaks. Usually the snare drummers and I would race to see who got to the coolers first. It was damn cool la, sprinting from one end of the school to another even when you're actually so tired. Maybe it was because we were having so much fun. Even though it was serious business during the formations, most of us, if not all of us, loved doing it. We loved marching, loved making music, and after all those scoldings, when mr poh didn't scold us at all for one day, we thought he was crazy. Getting scoldings became second nature. Wonder how. Wonder why.

We were SO familiar with our music and marching, we came up with those little gimmicks that put so much more soul into our performance. Sure, they were nowhere near what we're doing today. Today's gimmicks are so like.."WOW...WOAH MAN! LOOK AT THAT! COOL!!!" I do envy them now. Seriously. I wouldn't mind taking part again. If only wasn't so old. HAHAHA!! It was just something inside us that made us so great. And surely there's something inside all of you that makes you feel the same. Maybe there's a Titan in all of us. It just takes some effort, some heart and soul to bring it out of us. Like I said, when you've found that special something, you're no longer human. You're a Titan. Two different entities! It takes a little more perception to see the difference, actually.

DON'T YOU THINK I'VE SAID ALOT!? LOL. there's just so much coming out of my heart right now. yes, all those were from deep inside. how to phrase and spell those words, that's my brain's job.

Yeah. It takes alot...really alot. and tell you something, it takes alot for something to make my hair stand on end, okay. When you're doing the fightclub, it happens. Congratulations. But still, so much more could be improved. And when everyone's done with the fine tuning here and there, poof. Gold with honours. Settle. Promise you. If everyone maintains there musical standard and puts in alot more effort, gold with honours, no doubt about it. But what it takes to get there, is your BEST, and nothing less. Think about it.

A Titan : Someone who stands out in greatness of achievement.