Woot! it's been a long time since I've last updated (isn't that what I say all the time?) but this time, i'm here to rant. haha. my evening was ruined and I missed about half an hour of Alias (an important episode might I add) because my mum was scolding me during dinner. Why did I miss it? cuz everytime I looked at the tv she'd use her spoon to bang on my plate to get my attention lol. I do admit that it was my fault for starting it (kinda), but some things just didn't make sense. Let me go deeper. haha.

Okay, we were havin dinner, den I was talking about possibly going to Yishun SAFRA on friday with my classmates for bouldering since that place has a good rock wall. Den she asked, are you sure you're studying in school?? so I was so sian lah, cuz she asks me that like everyday as if she doesn't believe that I'm studying in school ( FOR THE LAST TIME I DO!), so I said "haiii...I don't want to say anymore lah."

Then all hell breaks loose (right in the middle of the show)

She starts shouting at me for being rude or showing attitude problem or whatever she calls it, then moves on to another topic (which is her pattern lah.) which is my grades (well kinda linked to my 'not studying in school') being less than viewer worthy for my most recent exam, for which I clinched three U's (lowest grade possible), an E and a D for GP and Physics respectively. Now that is real bad, but I've been improving, trust me. then she says she keeps asking cuz she worries for me and such, and I totally understand that! I know...but like, she keep asking like damn sian right. haha.

So she moves on to the next topic, which is usually about money in her machinegun firing pattern, and today, it was! she loooooves scolding about money. JACKPOT! (no pun intended)

She shouted at me for spending money on buyin new drumsticks (cuz one of my last pair broke) and a drum pad (which is my first one. FIRST ONE in 17 years!). Here is the irony. She says, why can't I put aside some money from my daily allowance to save for what I need to buy? She says I spend more than her everyday (i get $10 a day; she spends only $5 daily for lunch.), and I don't bother to save on my allowance, and instead keep reaching out my hands for more money to buy things.

First of all, I remember a contradicting statement in one of my previous scoldings (no, I do not keep a log of my mum's scoldings.) which mentioned SAVING MONEY from my allowance for stuff, making her pump more money into my wallet every day. So that's a bad thing in the past. NOW she scolds me for not saving money? err....where is the focus???? =.= I didn't argue lah. no point. haha.

Den the next thing was my new phone (money again). She claimed that I kept pushing her to buy the phone, not wanting to wait for that starhub voucher that she could save $100 with. Okay, first thing's first. I didn't push her loh. haha. I only occasionally reminded her so that she wouldn't refuse to buy it for me in the end, since she already promised to do so. I wasn't pestering her for it. I could wait! but in the end? bought the phone with SingTel plan at $298. Do you know how much the phone would have been with Starhub + voucher? $398. So she would rather me 'wait for the voucher' den she could buy it at starhub for $100 more. okayyyy...errm.....where is the focus here??? =.=

Then she talked about studies again, saying that I wanted to wind up like my cousin who never made it in school and ended up signing up with the police force earning peanuts; saying I didn't want to do well and whatnot....I had hoped she was more mature than that and knew me well enough (for god's sake I am her son!) that she would know I knew what I wanted for myself, and I never want to end up like a nobody who can't even support himself or afford the things I like most. Yes, I don't seem to be putting in the best of effort now, but I am working towards it!

nobody will believe me. seriously. NOBODY. but we'll just wait and see.

Aiyah, she never gave me any encouragement for my studies, only scolded me when I failed to meet her expectations or my own when they were high enough for her to be pleased with. why? because she lose face loh. but because I didn't do well. she gave me opportunities. tuition. it helped in the past! not now when they're on sundays where my brain is less than functional. I never liked tuition after sec 4. it was as blasphemous to me as vulgarity in church is to christians. the second most important reason of hers for me to do well in A's is to save her face. TO SAVE HER FACE! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!!!!

Okay, this is the part where I tell nothing but the truth; not that any of the above were lies. When I get my own good paying, stable job, I'll take care of her as much as I can, and I will NEVER treat her as how she did my grandmother. I won't say she deserves better or what, but I just don't want to be the sort of mini-tyrant that she can be sometimes. Being a teenager for so long, I know what it feels like to be treated as such now, and I'll never impose upon my children what I used to loathe so deeply. And all this, without the spite and hatred that I harbour for her sometimes. After all, she's my mum. She loves me. Yes, she can be a FUCKING BITCH sometimes but she loves me, I know. And I'll give her the best if I can.

*fooooooooooooooooooooooo* end of rant...what a heartwrenching hour. but its over now...I hope. haha. The last thing I need before bed is another lecture which leaves me going to sleep with teary eyes, not because of the heartache, but the thought that I have no means to defend myself verbally against her. haha.

I think I've forgotten one part of the scolding. something feels missing...but I'll get to that when I figure it out. haha!! goodnight!