just another sunday. People came over to visit and so mum was damn busy the whole day. cooked a lot of food, cleaned the house all the way through...what shall I talk about today...I've not much idea.

Well let's just say I've changed and I know it. I'm tired of making comparisons with people. Tired of living my life relative to other people rather than making something out of myself, for myself. Tired of standing in a corner feeling awkward rather than living the moment as I'd want to, all the time. Tired of listening to people belittle me when they themselves are nowhere near the top in their field. Why not just stop and start living for myself rather than living for other people. Seems in this cruel, unjust world, this "rational" behaviour just isn't possible. You have to bootlick your way up to the top just to realize that you're still at the bottom. You have to please people you can't even work with. It's all stupid. well I won't go to that anyway. Mine's on a much lower level.

So many things have changed and I seem to have lost inumerable things in the recent years. It just seems so sudden and so uncalled for. I'd never thought things would change the way they did. But they did...and the fucked up part is that I have to live with it, whether I like it or not. Apparently this life isn't quite cut out for me. Maybe there can be a time where I stop being myself and turn into somebody else whom I don't even recognize, just to adapt to the changes taking place. I feel I just took my first step towards that point.

ahh just forget it. Ranting about this i hardly even understand. Nobody else does, I'm pretty sure of that. It seems trying to change for a better self isn't as easy as the effort it took to say it.

Being myself is even harder when things around you seem so cold and restricted.