hm.

2010-05-06T19:28:00.003+08:00

For the sake of those who actually read my blog and care about how I'm doing:

I am perpetually bored.

Driving is easy, safety is not.

All female dentists remind me of my cousin Yilin for some reason.

The redshirts said they'll pull out by Sunday, which puts me somewhat at ease.

I have been gymming solo, which is damn boring but damn productive.

I'm neglecting Map of Bones, the new James Rollins I bought a week ago, even though it's an excellent read.

I've 11 posters. Eleven. Of Girls' Generation in my room right now, and both my grandma and mum are thrilled. Surprise, surprise. By the way, I've Christopher to thank for the fact that I have them.

Sony Ericsson X10 price went up unexpectedly, which sets back my plan to replace my NS phone indefinitely. Damn.

I need to get out of this country because I'm so bored and I feel trapped.

I'm pissed because even when I have the means to go to Korea, I've no one to go with me.

Oh, I've got a new computer, though that should've been at the top of this post. Nothing to brag about.

Did I mention I was bored? Yeah, I'm bored.

Ciao.

2010-04-18T10:05:00.002+08:00

I've come to realize how long it's been since I've typed a blog entry with any hint of emotion. Well, there were those occasional moments, but what I felt was nothing compared to the pain-ridden entries I used to write back in the day.

Remember those times, in 2006-2008? Yeah, that's right. The outdoor times.

Mr Poh shared a link with me on FB and I checked it out, and was mightily surprised to find that it was the link to my own blog; to an archive dated 8 April 2006. 14 days before the 2006 SYF Outdoor. I read through it and was...rather taken aback. Was this really me? The 'me' who put everything he had into the Titans Marching Band whenever he could? The 'me' who hated and cursed school just because it kept him from attending theTitans' band practices?

I think back to those days and I recall them with both bitter nostalgia and intensely sweet joy. Those were the days which I led with focus and purpose; probably not in the best sense, but they did teach me a thing or two about maturity, love and the power of spirit and determination. Those were the days were I had a second family many times bigger than my own; people I loved and cherished and took great joy in seeing every day. Who gets bored of people who are dedicated and fun?

Now I look at myself in the mirror and ask...what has become of that person? Compared to what I was in the past, I could very well consider myself homeless. How could I have fooled myself into breaking an attachment that ran so deep in my blood and into the very root of my soul, thinking that I'd moved on; replayed countless useless scenarios which sought to enforce that decision though they now seem completely moronic to me? How could I have left my home, shunned those whom I loved and lied to myself about where I did and did not belong? How could I have left the Titans Marching Band?

I say it with pride that after 2006, I became an alumnus of Ping Yi Marching Band. Sure, I could be seen as a traitor to many SPF loyalists, but it was a choice I had to make, and that I did. I don't have to explain why I did it, but suffice it to say that it was a choice I never regretted. I still consider myself an alumnus of PYMB, though I find it difficult to imagine myself so because of my lack of commitment and dedication, well, at least, compared to that which I had a few years ago. I can only wonder...do I really deserve to be an alumnus of this band?

I don't know what exactly defines an alumni other than the fact that he/she is a graduate from the band and decides to come back to help out and stuff, but when it comes to loyalty and dedication, those are things I place great emphasis on. Personally, if you don't show your commitment to something, you don't deserve to do it. So do I deserve a place with PYMB? That's something I'm not exactly sure of, and I don't think it's a question that I can answer myself.

"Regret is a useless emotion." - I remember saying this to my juniors, albeit with a different meaning at the time.

All I feel now is regret.

Where do I belong?

2010-03-28T20:00:00.001+08:00

A night of endless slapstick fun and a rather embarrassing fixation.

Zombie-fied =.=

2010-03-18T23:39:00.002+08:00

I don't know who to ask, or what to say...but with the utmost sincerity and humility I ask of but one thing.

I have a dream for 2010. A really big dream. I fear that this is the only time I will ever have the chance to make it come true.

All I ask is for this dream to come true this year. Just this once.

My love is true, and my heart is pure. Just this once...can my wish be granted?

Just this once...let my dream come true.

2010-03-09T23:05:00.002+08:00

Call me crazy, but it's past 11pm now (which means a new day has begun in Seoul), and I can't help but feel a little sad that a wondrous day has passed.

No, nothing happened to me today! I woke up at 9:30am to a call from an agent at Adecco offering me a job opening, which I accepted. I then spent the rest of the day sitting in front of the computer, doing the random stuff that I invariably find myself doing everyday.

I didn't meet any new people, didn't have a great time with my friends...and the only things that made me smile were the old SNSD videos that I'd decided to watch again to relive the beginning of my fanboy days. Good times.

I didn't help an old lady cross the street, nor did I do any other good deeds.

I was just being...me.

But today was a special day. It was a very special day for someone so near, yet so far away.

Call me crazy, people. Today was Kim Taeyeon's birthday.

Today, 21 years ago, someone was born into this world who would grow up to spread her love with a zest and passion that would be an inspiration for many. And she did it whilst holding hands with 8 other hopefuls who have stepped out of their comfort zone, showing the world what the years of training, countless hours of sweat and tears have moulded them into. And what fine sculptures they had turned out to be.

Today, 21 years ago, Girls' Generation's leader Kim Taeyeon was born. It was a worldwide blessing 18 years in the making. It was a blessing showered upon us when the girls debuted in 2007.

If I were to identify just one feeling I felt throughout today...it would be thankfulness. Thankfulness that amongst all the others in this world whom we've come to love and treasure, we have Taeyeon to join that exclusive circle.

Haha...look at me, I'm pouring out some sort of one-sided love or something. Fanboys can be a little strange sometimes, huh? Well I can't help it, honestly, because I feel that this is something I have to say. I have to say it because it comes from the very bottom of my heart. I feel proud to share the love that hundreds of thousands of sones all over the world have for these girls. I feel proud that whenever the girls cross my mind, I sometimes stop to say a little prayer to whomever would accept it. Be healthy. Be safe. Be happy.

And today has passed, and the only thing we can do is move forward; leaving yet another milestone behind. As time moves ever forward, the plot of life thickens, complexities weaving with mysteries shrouded in enigmas that continue to unfold around us, little by little, leaving us completely and utterly confused at ever corner we turn.

I want to dream with you forever, girls. I want to dream with you forever Taeyeon. We all love you very dearly, and I sincerely hope you know that. Wherever you are and whatever you do, we will always be behind you as the sones who will never give up, just like you never gave up.

I hope you've had lots of smiles, fun and laughter today! I know you can't hear me like this...but perhaps somehow, my sincerity will touch your heart in even the tiniest way. Be healthy, be safe and be happy our beloved Kim Taeyeon =)

We will always love you =)

2010-02-27T21:42:00.000+08:00

The girls are having their encore concert today and tomorrow in Seoul.

And I'm still here.

WHAT THE F***

2010-02-23T00:43:00.000+08:00

There are a million and one things to express from oneself but almost always no way to do it.

Such a bother.

2010-02-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

I don't like a certain kind of people.

This particular stratum never fails to grate at my nerves and saw at my bones every time I encounter them.

It's people who are insensitive. People who are mindlessly blunt. People who don't give a second thought to the feelings of others before unloading the shitload of what they want to say unto you.

Of course, I haven't always been on the receiving end, and I do admit that I'm trying to cut this horrible mannerism out of my personality. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job!

But some people...

Some people just never change, do they?

2010-02-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

"It's no use being fluent in English when you've the vocabulary of a first grader."

I'm sure I've heard or read that from somewhere, and I think I should be on the receiving end of that comment.

Such shame. I've come to notice how very limited my vocabulary is. I'm not saying that I should be using big, colorful and sometimes rather frustrating words in writing, but the thing is, I'm not even close. All those books I've been reading...is this really the result of my scatterbrain?

I should read. Again. More.

2010-02-11T00:32:00.002+08:00

ORD LO! Hmm...wait, that was three days ago.

The feeling's kinda overrated, you know? Except from the unexplainable mirth I had roiling in the pit of my stomach as I laid my fingers on my pink IC once again, there was...nothing. The feeling lasted a little more than four and a half seconds, I suppose.

Now that I'm free of the SAF's clutches, I find myself staring into what looks like a new world. It's the real world, welcome to life as it's supposed to be lived! Not. very. encouraging.

I suppose I've gotten too used to sitting around and waiting for money to fall from the sky every month on the tenth, and since that source of income has halted, I'll need to procure some other means of income soon. Very soon.

ORD LO!!!! Nope...shouting that out didn't help very much either...should I make a wall-size poster of my pink IC instead?

2010-02-07T23:40:00.003+08:00

Let's see...I ORD in...20 minutes.

Ask me how I feel!

Really? How I feel?

Nothing...in particular...

Really? Aren't you happy and all that?

Well I suppose I'd be full of mirth parading around with a pink IC and all, but...that's all there is to it, I suppose. I suppose.

You're weird.

That I am...that I am.

So what are you plans for the near future?

If by 'near' you mean the months leading up to the start of my first semester in university then...work.

Are you looking forward to that? Work, I mean.

Let's just say I'm looking forward to getting paid.

What about new friends, work experience and all that?

I suppose it comes with the package of getting paid.

Superficial, aren't we?

Poor, aren't we?

Money isn't everything.

Why, no it isn't. Not when I'm old and loveless, no it isn't. But right now, it pretty much is.

Right. And I suppose money is going to make you happier than anything else right now.

Why...yes it is!

Why the hell am I talking to myself?

2010-02-02T15:52:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking about this for a while (in a rather depressed manner) and decided that if I had to choose one thing to describe me best, or something that I personify the most, it would be "jack of all trades, master of none"

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as someone who picks things up fast; someone who can grasp the concept of something just enough to put it into decent practice, and yet I never find myself to be very good at any one of those things.

Perhaps it's my laid back, procrastinotorious attitude towards life that leaves me lacking interest in something soon after I've jumped into it.

Let's see some of the 'trades' I've picked up over the years and chosen to pursue for at least a while (at least, those I can remember)

1. Piano
2. Drumming
3. Parkour
4. Archery
5. Bowling
6. Gaming (this is a skill. Look at WCG.)
7. Pool (is snooker more appropriate?)
8. Dancing (very recently, and I'm not even decent in this)
9. Running (is this a skill?)

I can't really remember anything else, if they do exist. Anyway, I'm not very good at all at these things, and that leaves me wondering how this fact reflects upon my image. Am I... an excessive personification of the mandarin saying "san fen zhong re du" (which literally translates to 3 minutes of heat), meaning I only give my fullest attention and devotion to something for a very short while, after which passing it on as if I'd never picked it up?

I think this kind of attitude is very dangerous...especially when it comes to more serious things in life such as studying a subject in university, getting a job, getting into a romantic relationship and the culmination of all, getting married. Oh, the horror.

Has 20 years on Earth not been enough for me to accurately identify something in terms of its appeal to me? Oh, I like this! I'll want to do this a lot from now on. And a while later, something else comes along to pique my interest, and I suddenly find the former activity or commitment to be part of my distant past.

On a more current note, what about my zealous, unconditional love for the nine girls that are SNSD? Could there possibly be a time in the near future that I would let go of this emotional attachment and pursue something else? This very thought scares me. Profoundly. What is it, exactly, that binds me so closely to these girls whom I've never met (and probably never will meet), and is this binding emotion or object strong enough to withstand the test of time and possibly some external influence?

Perhaps I can say that I still have a certain interest for the things I've mentioned above, but the thing is, I haven't exactly put in enough time or effort into these things to be able to call myself 'decent' doing them. How disappointing. What's more, I don't really have an excuse other than that of laziness for not having become proficient in them.

"All trades known, all trades dull.", said the Chinese.

Embarrassing.

2010-02-01T20:25:00.005+08:00

Something weird happened to be just now.

My mum called earlier, and I told her that I'd be home for dinner and she said okay, and then she wanted me to sms her the optician's number, and I did.

Later, she called again, this time to scold me about being home for dinner despite telling my aunt I'm not earlier today, because of the fact that my aunt tends to cook just enough for everyone who's eating. I said well that's okay, if there's not enough, I'll have instant noodles. She then said why are you eating instant noodles when I pay her to cook?

Thinks to myself : "So what do you want me to do?"

Then she hung up.

She comes home later, throws the key onto the glass table and shouts at me saying "how many times have I told you not to tell your aunt that you're not eating at home?" and goes on with all that 'she cooks just enough' stuff. I already know the main issue here is the fact that she's PAYING and is not getting enough for her money.

...What?

No, seriously, ...what? I was literally scratching my head while listening to my mother rant.

So, you're scolding me because I told my aunt that I'm not having dinner, and then I do, which is apparently wrong because then there won't be enough food (you know what, there WAS enough food. too much for me even on a good day, in fact). Does this boil down to...money?

She spends the next half hour or so throwing things around and slamming doors, not forgetting tossing her plate and utensils hard into the sink after coming out of her room (whose door she'd very conspicuously locked after slamming it for good measure)

Now, this tended to scare me at a younger age...but right now I find it embarrassingly amusing. Things will start to fall apart sooner or later, as a product of her overly expressive anger. Yes, of course it all started from me, but everyone should know that human beings are rational, and anger can be controlled where reason can be seen. A very obvious reason would be the natural unwillingness to see a door ease free of its hinges and come crashing to the timbered floor in the middle of the night, or at any other time for that matter.

Did I mention she burst into my room telling me to "get out because I want to use the computer", at the same time throwing her thumbdrive onto my table? Touchy. Is your anger enough for you to forgo the future use of that thumbdrive?

All this is...interesting. I find myself tickled having to witness such a spectacle, which makes it even more strange because I'm supposed to be on the receiving end. It seems the house is taking all the punishment for me instead. Interesting...

Touchy, touchy. And this, once again, brings me further from Christendom. Is this, perchance, a blessing in disguise?

Yes.

No.

Perhaps?

You shouldn't be feeling this way.

Christendom is good for you!

My mother demonstrates otherwise.

It's not Jesus' fault!

I'd blame Jesus over my mother.

You terrible child.

She's my mother! I should choose her above all else! That makes me a wonderful child, no?

But over a God?

Sue me.

I give up.

Why, thank you!

Argh!

Touchy. Care for a chill pill?

2010-01-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

I will not tolerate SNSD bashing.

Watch it.

2010-01-24T21:31:00.003+08:00

What a bloody depressing Sunday. And yeah, it's my fault. Again. So I can't really complain.

If there's one thing I've learnt over the years...it's that people. never. change. period.

No matter how much you want to think or hope that someone will change for you or for some other reason, no matter how much you think something will have such a profound effect as to alter a person's personality; change his habits, his attitude toward things, his perception of things...I'm so very sorry, but you're getting nowhere.

People sometimes say that they've become a changed person; that something so deeply inspiring or frightening has affected them so much so that their entire lives seem to have been broken and then rearranged. I think they're bluffing. LOL, what a blunt way to put it. I think they've just come to so ardently believe that something is so great enough to change them that they do things differently in order to accommodate that belief. Get my drift? They try to do things in a way to show that they've changed; in fact, it happens subconsciously so they think they really have, but deep down inside, what do you have? Same person, same personality.

Someone gets involved in a plane crash. He says he'll never fly again. Do you think he really can't? He's just scared out of his wits at the thought! Of course he can if he wants to! The fact that he can do it means he still thinks the same about flying inside. Think about it this way: if a person had really changed, he would look at something and say "I can't do it." rather than "I won't do it." It's really two very different things, you know what I mean?

"I've changed." puh. People never change.

I need to dance this off tomorrow.

Dance it off.

P.S. I don't know how I am going to survive February because I just spent a little over $200 for my DnD outfit. GOD DAMN IT! Well, at least they're nice clothes.

2010-01-20T21:08:00.002+08:00

I hate people who pass judgments on SNSD members when they haven't even taken the time to get to know them.

I have 230GB worth of their videos, so I can confidently say that I've been following two years' worth of their progress closely, and yet there are still things that I don't understand about some of them.

If you guys out there haven't spent this much time trying to get to know these girls, who the hell are you to insult them and pass snide, immature remarks about them?

I say this because I know that I'm not that kind of person. If I don't fully understand someone, then I have absolutely no right to judge him or her. Isn't that the right way to look at people?

We're not looking at apples or pears here, ladies and gentlemen. We're talking about people. Human beings, who are billions if not trillions of times more complex than the average fruit. They're more complex than the unsolved mysteries of all time, and some people just want to blurt worthless nothings about them in a way that makes them out to be someone who has studied those people for all his life.

What gives you the right? The freedom of speech? The power of human judgment? The belief that you're about as witty as the next genius anthropologist?

I'm not being particularly defensive about the girls. It's just that I'm against this entire practice of judging people based on a handful of information that, by itself, means basically nothing.

So if you have a judgment to pass, God damn it, keep it to yourself.

2010-01-15T20:07:00.002+08:00

Gosh it's Friday! Oh how I've been waiting for this day, especially after yesterday when I started taking Rinafort for my flu. Damn it, I'm still feeling its effects even though the last time I took it was 10pm last night! That's some seriously potent stuff. I'm so gonna wake up past noon tomorrow after taking it once more tonight.

Another reason to be depressed : Andre told me today that he wouldn't mind going with me to Seoul for the concert, but air tickets are just too expensive! *Sigh*, if only I could get tickets for about $700, then we can go. WHYEEEEEEEEEE!! Maybe I should just settle for catching them in Shanghai/Bangkok. Still, I have a feeling that their best performance of all would be, without a doubt, in Seoul. It's home ground, after all.

It's been 4 days since I last gymmed and my chest is still aching halfway to hell. What the heck? This is what happens when you don't gym for a full week and then chiong headfirst into bout after bout of muscle shock. Wait a minute...why isn't 'chiong' underscored in red? =/

I'm running out of stuff to watch! It's amazing even for myself to believe that my SNSD folder is over 230GB and I've watched...all of them. Well not all of them, I think. I might be left with around say...1GB worth of videos? I shouldn't rush the subbers, but I'm really hoping for another release of Invincible Youth and Hello Baby. Much more so for the latter, because the non-Korean inclined are wayyyyy far behind! There are about 20 episodes in total, yet only the first 9 episodes have been subbed so far. And that's not including the X File episodes that came after the series ended.

I think I'm getting back the calves I used to have when I was still running long distances on a regular basis. Damn, I should've picked up dancing a long time ago. We're planning to do a full dress rehearsal next week...Friday at the latest, then I might upload the video onto YouTube, so look forward to it!

Till next time...

Sorry sorry sorry sorry!

2010-01-12T20:45:00.001+08:00

I swear this is like a double slap to the face.

Now SNSD's holding an encore concert at the same place in Seoul on Feb 27/28.

Problem : Cheapest air tickets start at $800+ for return trip.

2nd Problem : No one can go with me.

This. Really. Sucks.

Really.

2010-01-05T20:22:00.002+08:00

After yesterday, I have begun to experience but a tiny inkling of what SNSD has been putting up with for the past month or so.

Yesterday, I had dance practice with the guys for a good 2.5 hours, with breaks probably totaling about 15 minutes.

I sweat right through my shirt and it was as damp as a damn washcloth, and I found myself falling comfortably asleep in the bus on the way home, and later on my bed, an hour before my usual bedtime.

Today I went to work with eyes like this : =.=, and that expression never really changed for the rest of the day. Needless to say, I slept easily on the bus again.

I WAS SO TIRED FOR TWO DAYS, BECAUSE OF A 2.5 HOUR DANCE PRACTICE!

God knows, then, how tired the girls are when they've had performance after performance in the later weeks of December. We've got their Solo Concert on the 19th/20th, and, just as famously, the SBS, KBS and MBC Gayo Daejuns on the 29th/30th/31st, all of which lasting late into the night (well past midnight). That's not even counting the time they'd spent in between practicing for these performances as well as other scheduled commitments! What amazes me most of all is the fact that after everything they went through to the end of the year, the performances they presented on SBS, KBS and MBC music festivals were...absolutely phenomenal. Top notch.

What right have I to feel tired, then?

I'm gonna push harder! We're increasing the number of rehearsals...from Mondays to include Wednesdays and Fridays. Hopefully we'll finish Sorry Sorry and take a video by the end of next week so we can start on Gee.

FIGHTING!

2010-01-01T10:31:00.002+08:00

Holy crap, is it 2010 already?

Don't mind me...it's just that I had an uneventful New Year's Eve. What was I doing at midnight? I was sitting in front of my com, chatting on Soshified's SBox and wishing the GMT+8 sones happy new year. lol. Seriously, I'm pathetic, right?

Ah, whatever. I swear, my nonchalance will one day be my downfall.

When you talk about the New Year, the first thing that comes to my mind is New Year's Resolutions.

So...what exactly do I want to accomplish this year?

I'm going to uni in the latter half of the year, and quite honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. Nor do I have anything to say about it! So I'm going to leave it out ^_^

People who know me would very quickly notice how embarrassingly short-sighted I am (not in the literal sense, though that could apply too), so I'm going to live up to that reputation by coming up with a few rather short-sighted goals.

Disclaimer : I am NOT ashamed to say ANY of this!

1. Spend my first post-ORD paycheck well. I am going to treat my entire family to dinner for the first time in 20 years. What the hell! Took me long enough.

2. Experience an overseas trip with friends (currently planning Japan trip in May, but as with everything else in life, things can go terribly wrong =/)

3. Experience a live SNSD concert FIRST HAND (along with a few other SNSD-related goals)

Let me elaborate a little on the third point. Words cannot describe how torn I was when I kept thinking of the fact that I was in Singapore on the 19th/20th of Dec when SNSD had their FIRST SOLO CONCERT TOUR starting in Seoul. I swear, I will never forgive myself for missing that.

Ever.

And so, I'm just going to have to make it up to myself by catching their second tour this year.

4. Make the best use out of my clothes. I shall not tolerate excess space in my long sleeved shirts any longer. I'm wearing size 'S' for goodness sake! To hell with thinking that this small chest has to do with genes!

5. And probably the best resolution so far : be a better 'bigger brother' for my cousins. I've been far too mean to them over the past years. Maybe I do need anger management classes...

6. It's been too long since I got that Korean language pack with my friend. It's high time I practice myself up to decent fluency. SNSD's obvious influence aside, I've found that it's a beautiful language. Definitely worth learning.

7. Maintain better control over my money. I think the fact that my money supply is unforgivably low is due to this soft heart and the annoying weakness of being easily influenced by the opinions of others. I need to start standing up for myself more.

8. Speaking of control, maintain better control over my emotions. I have embarrassed myself far too many times over the years by letting my emotions get the better of me. An angry man is an irrational man. An angry man is not cool.

Well right now I can't really think of much else...

I am going to be a better person in 2010! It's a promise I must make myself.

2009-12-27T12:11:00.003+08:00

Ah, I can't use the mouse or type very well now because my right hand is swollen and hurting halfway to hell.

Silly me, because I brought this upon myself. See, I was resting on my aunt's chair yesterday (well, it's actually a really big heavy wood bench with a thin mattress set across it) because I was feeling bloated in the stomach. In fact, I was in a really sour mood because I was having a flu and I was hungry but I couldn't eat because of the bloatedness. Then my cousin decided to come along and be annoying, pulling the pillow out from under my head. I got so pissed, I punched straight down into the chair =.=

Painful experience aside, I had a great Christmas dinner at my aunt's place on Friday with my cousin Yilin and her mum and grandma. Apparently there was a Christmas surprise too: she was to stay over at my place for the night.

Had a good time watching videos and just talking about random stuff and family until about 1 plus in the morning...actually I played MW2 till about 2 after she slept lol.

Remember that flu I mentioned? Damn this sensitive nose. I got it because I slept on the floor while she took the bed. I think it was the comforter my mum pulled out of the storeroom after god knows how long.

Followed her (or rather, was kinda dragged) to a worship rehearsal the next morning with a raging nose...I guess it was enjoyable since I had her for company.

She wants to make me a drummer for her church band because they've only got one (according to her, he's been their drummer for every performance for the past few years). I mean, I'm okay with playing the drums, of course, but well...you know. Baby steps...baby steps. It's so very hard to let her down, you know? Plus, I get to see her more often.

Anyway, I heard that hall expenses for NTU have risen. Significantly. What was it, $75/week? Forget it! I'd rather do 1.5hr one-way commutes than pay that much! If I don't like staying in camp as it is, why should I PAY to do the same elsewhere? I would spend time to save $75 a week, not the other way round.

I feel so soft. Shouldn't have skipped gym... =.= It's really annoying when you try to pull up the sleeves of your shirt and they keep slipping down because your forearms aren't big enough.

And...I think the New Year Eve gig at Sentosa is a bust. No news of rehearsals yet. There goes my $100.

Damn it, I need money.

2009-12-25T13:47:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas!

...how boring. LOL.

Pretty tired today because I reached home at 1am last night after meeting my JC classmates for pool. I pride myself on not drinking yesterday despite them ordering two jugs of Jack Daniels and Bacardi coke! I just don't see why I should drink when everytime I do it seems as if I'm forcing myself.

Anyway I think yesterday's morning session at work was productive, although we didn't get very much done. I think I can safely attribute that to the fact that the dance moves were significantly harder than what we've been doing...especially since now we have to move around during the chorus. Now I'm aching in places I never even knew existed =.= On a happier note, I found out that I'm actually not the stiffest member of the group!! Man, that's surprising.

I wish I had somewhere in my house to practice alone. It's so awkward trying stuff out in front of my computer. =/

Merry Christmas!...I think.

2009-12-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

Someone save me from myself.

I'm absolutely depressed at the fact that I'm in Singapore, not Seoul. Or Shanghai. Or Bangkok.

*sigh*

I should have had some kind of 'SNSD Concert Emergency Fund'.

*sigh*

Why...why...WHY!!!

*sigh*

Have an awesome concert, girls. Well the one in Seoul was already jaw-dropping fantastic, so no worries there.

*sigh*

2009-12-12T23:55:00.003+08:00

Is it really almost mid December?

Is 2010 really just around the corner?

Time seems to be passing faster than I thought...and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, really.

I should stop taking things for granted. Everything.

What kind of New Years' resolutions should I have?

How can I become a better person; a better friend; a better son?

This is probably one of those 'New Year crises'.

Can I fulfill the promises I've made to myself and to other people? Or will they once again turn out to be empty?

Come now, don't shed another tear
The dust has settled; there's nothing to fear
See the truth as it is; it's right in front of you
Don't deny this. Don't deny me.

Come now, hush hush.
In this very moment, I promise you
With all my heart, with all my blood
I will free you.

Disregard the Heavens and the Earth
Disregard hatred and evil
Disregard love and happiness
Because I am here with you.

I am here with you forever.

2009-12-06T22:38:00.002+08:00

Sunday, sunday, sunday. Time for an update.

Let's start with Friday...went to meet up with my JC classmates for a december babies dinner at New York New York then Parkway for pool. I swear my mouth ached for hours from laughing so much. We passed around presents too! I got a shirt and polo tee from Topman which I like a lot...but realized later when I tried them on that...I still have to gym often. Very often.

Saturday was boring...nothing much to say about it.

And today was December's COG, which, to me, was disappointing, although I think the band did very well. Ah, I guess there's no use talking about it anyway. What a waste.

Things are starting to become rather uncertain, with ORD coming up and the sudden realization that I have a serious lack of MONEY.

My friends and I are planning to go to Japan this coming April for a holiday, and I'm going to have to come up with airfare money sometime this month. Where the heck am I supposed to get that? Damn it, I should have saved more.

And I'm starting to get impatient with my SNSD delivery. What the hell is taking them so long? It's going to be a month since the day I ordered them.

Speaking of uncertain, it's just that I've gotten used to going to work on a regular basis and thus getting paid on a regular basis, even though it's peanuts...so I'm worried about getting a job after I ORD. Or in the best case scenario, as soon as I ORD.

And speaking of ORD-ing, I've gotten my clearance form! Ah, I can taste it now. The subtle, inviting taste of freedom. It's tickling my tongue now. Yeah, it really is.

I can't wait for Tuesday. Why? I have a strong urge to dance. Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry sorry.

So sorry.

Sheryl Chua Yi Hui, do you have any idea how much I miss you? =/

2009-11-26T23:04:00.003+08:00

Wow, it's been 25 days since I last updated?

Okay, I'm gonna say a little something-something today then...just for the heck of it.

Had COC today at Khatib Camp...was pretty good. I must say the band sounded good today. The best I've heard in a long time...so it was quite enjoyable, doing this parade. Mind you, I don't usually like doing this kind of stuff, but this time I did.

I've been looking forward to Mondays lately! It's because on Mondays me and the guys do our dance rehearsals (yes, I'm dancing. live with it.) for January's D&D. Some of us even cancelled our off/leave just to come back and rehearse.

I really like rehearsing with them because they're a willing and dedicated bunch, and what's more, they're fun and enthusiastic too. It's really different from doing something with people who don't give a damn about how it'll turn out.

I never thought dancing to Sorry Sorry would be so much fun. It's too bad we're only doing a cut version of it, so it's like 1/5th of the original length.

Looking forward to finishing up Gee though. It does look a little feminine...okay very feminine. But I think anyone can pull it off if they want to! It's not really a dance purely for females so...yeah. haha.

Reflecting on the past few months of my life, I have to say that being posted to Band C was indeed a blessing in disguise (why is my life full of these?). The people there are really fun, and the atmosphere is really different in a good way. I can't believe I was so sore about being posted there in the first place. Now, I'm really thankful.

This is the first time in my entire SAF Bands life that I know I've found people I can click with; people who share my sentiments and interests and people with whom I can laugh like an idiot and feel good about it.

How sad; the fact that most of us always take the longest time to realize we've been given something worth cherishing. It's an omnipresent bad habit in we humans...

I haven't been gymming for a week and I feel so soft all over. My shirts don't feel as fitting anymore and it's getting on my nerves...I'll definitely have to pay the gym a visit tomorrow afternoon. No more putting it off!

My SNSD albums plus the Cinderella Man OST should be arriving within the next few days...I've waited close to a month for them! What a wonderful gift to give myself. I'm so happy heehee!

Mum's finally back from Aussie! I really need to find a day to go have dinner with her or something. It's been too long since I've had the opportunity to spend some quality time with her. Maybe next week...although there's so many things going on, I'm sure I can make time.

I have a feeling next week's COG is gonna be good! Percussion breaks should be interesting...Alfri did a very good job coming up with two arrangements for the Christmas songs so that should take a load off everyone's minds. I can only feel good about this, somehow. Aja aja fighting! COG confirm song gong! (I wish I could write that here in Korean)

So much for the short entry I'd originally intended to provide. Why do my entries always end up longer than expected? Oh well.

See you in another 25 days, perhaps!

2009-11-01T22:35:00.002+08:00

Ah, tragedy. Why is it that I always enjoy a good tear jerker? Makes me sound like a damn sadist. The sheer morbidity of the idea kinda scares me.

Writing tragedy fiction is even more interesting...it feels kind of empowering; being able to bring out emotion in other people.

Talking about empowerment, tragedy is ten times more potent than happy fiction.

I guess it's because we humans tend to take happiness for granted, forgetting the happy moments in life soon after their occurrence, yet when our very devastation seems complete, it's a scar that lives with us for a long, long time.

And so, despite all that morbidity...tragedy seems to be my specialty now. How depressing.

"The entire world means nothing when in the end; death shall have everything taken from you."

"The rain has arrived.
The merciful, cleansing rain.
The sorrowful, solemn rain.
It has arrived.
To wash all the pain away."

How great and cruel is the irony of death;
In death, people say things they would never have said
In death, people reveal their deepest, most treasured secrets
In death, the most exceedingly beautiful things happen
All as if to mock the dying
All destined to haunt the living.
Always in the corner lurking,
Death lingers...waiting.

So depressing.

Oh yes, has any one seen a road barrier drift by on a torrent of water on Orchard Road before? I did just yesterday. Interesting stuff.

Great, now my font's all messed up.

Forget it.

2009-10-27T23:53:00.002+08:00

Just finished watching the final episode of Cinderella Man, and now I'm going through the withdrawal phase I always get after I finish watching a good drama series.

AIGOO everything is coming back and playing about in my head and I feel as if my heart has just been torn out, drawn and quartered, then ground!

Why do I always feel so lousy after finishing a good drama? I should feel good right. lol.

Aishhhh...WHY WERE THERE ONLY 16 EPISODES HUH! HUH HUH HUH!?!?!?! AISHHHHH

2009-10-24T01:20:00.000+08:00

Central Band's flying off tomorrow. Correction : Today.

Aishhh...why am I hating this so much.

Goodnight.

2009-10-15T20:29:00.000+08:00

Korean's fun to learn.

Annyeong haseyo! Chal chinnaessoyo?

Okay, my ability in the language ends right about there. lol.

Baby steps.

2009-10-10T13:44:00.002+08:00

My thoughts on the second AARM rehearsal today :

-insert every known vulgarity in the world + in the entire universe (aliens must have potty mouths too.) here-

Thank you for wasting my precious weekend.

2009-10-09T16:16:00.001+08:00

Here's a rough summary of my day (the AARM rehearsal) :

SKDNF(#T_(#!U@ F_!KSADF(_!(~DN(__!@)*$(@&(&#(!&$!!!!!!!!!!! KF_(_!@()!KNFH!lkdf1901KSFKH-1iohskf!!!! FP!#(!?????DSF#H_(!@#(UKF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? :DFLJ:J(U!)_@)!*_)*OJ%$P)#%_)! !?!!!??!?LDVN VKDSVF!@#()U! /sFHF!P(#(_D FOJF_)!!!?

-insert every known vulgarity in the world here-

LKDGP!_#@_!@*_$) S!!!?!?!?!@#! d;fj-13 F)U!@#) sdf1)!@+)*!!!?

!@(%(!@&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #@_(%!_@)$*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )_*$)*%!*#$!@&($(&!@!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

2009-10-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

Nobody seems to be reading my FanFic. Am I really that bad a writer?

I even threw them a bone, going against my principles to garner some support, but still nothing.

Maybe it's because I'm being impatient...

Five chapters in two days. And still only two asked to be on the PM list, while only one is an active reader.

Maybe they really don't like my concept. hmmm...

2009-10-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

Damn it, is my weekend over ALREADY?

Another pointless week.

At least payday's coming.

2009-10-01T22:13:00.004+08:00

It's October already? Time seems to pass by so slowly doing my daily routines, yet the days still pass by almost imperceptibly...not unlike the fleeting, fickle coming and going of a butterfly.

In less than a month Central Band will leave for China. I found that I'm unable to look at them while they practice their display every morning. With every innocent glance I find myself inadvertently boiling more and more inside.

What is this injustice I feel? I believe I deserve to go with them just as much, if not more so, than some of those who are going. This applies to those unfortunate souls who, like me, were excluded from the manifest.

I'm not saying that I'm good, or better than those who are going. I'm saying that this kind of thing is so natural for me that I'm more than willing to put in my 200% to contribute to its success. Can I say the same about all of those who are going? Of that, I'm unsure. Don't get me wrong, though. There are people whom I feel have earned every right to have been given the chance to go.

Have I not worked hard enough these 15 months that I can't even claim this opportunity as pension for my dedication? Has my pride and sense of purpose in being here gone to waste?

Everyday I try to push aside this bitterness, to suck it up and be professional. Call it my misfortune. Karma. Whatever. And everyday I find myself hating this predicament ever more so.

I am waiting for the day I can finally lay these feelings to rest, because I really do want to. It's shameful to be moping like this, but yet one can't help but do so sometimes.

I shall await that day.

2009-09-29T21:42:00.002+08:00

Internet's exasperatingly slow today. Call of Duty 4 ping was fine but now it's messing with my SNSD fanboyism because EVERYTHING on the forum's loading so slowly! I wonder if it's on overload or something.

Just did my final BO duty yesterday, so I'm expecting to be stay-in-free for the rest of my time here unless circumstances dictate otherwise.

Why is everything loading so slowly?

I'm so tired and sleepy because I didn't catch much sleep last night...the wind was really strong and everything was banging here and there in the middle of the night, so truthfully I was quite unnerved despite having two of my bunkmates also staying in that night. Seems my rare courage didn't show up that day.

Let's see...today's 29 September. That leaves...4 months. Right. Soon, soon.

2009-09-26T09:38:00.002+08:00

I am proud to say that yesterday, I did nothing but watch SNSD videos from the time I woke up at 11am till I left my place at around 6:45pm, and then again from 10:30pm to a little past midnight.

Girls Go To School was epic! It's no wonder they call it the Soshi Bible. It's like Genesis for SNSD, right there all played out in 9 episodes spread over 7 weeks. And I watched them all in a day.

I gotta keep myself up to date if I'm to be a fanboy, right?

God I wish they'd come to Singapore. They've already been to China and Thailand. Thailand! Come on, you can head down from there (don't bother stopping in Malaysia, girls. It's dangerous.)

I honestly don't really know how this happened, but it just did. When I first laid my eyes on them in their Gee MV, I started making weak comparisons to Wonder Girls (who, in my opinion, are no match for these girls). I didn't really think very highly of them. Then I got introduced to a few variety shows in which they'd been starred in (after they'd become very popular in Korea, of course) and I just fell in love!

You know that feeling, when you have an inexplicable crush on someone? That pounding and bittersweet aching in your heart when you see them, think of them, and hear them!?!? Yes, that's how I feel about them. All of them. Yeah, sure I have favourites, but I can say no more than the fact that I am madly in love with these girls and being a fan is as good an honour as anything else.

I think I'm gonna need a new hard drive just for SNSD.

Right now, it's SNSD! From now on, it's SNSD! Forever, it's SNSD!

SNSD FIGHTING!

2009-09-25T00:19:00.002+08:00

Chamber Repertory 5 is over, after months of preparation, though in those few months, we've only had as many rehearsals as the fingers on one of my hands. Yes, I have 5 fingers on a hand. Or 4 fingers and a thumb. Whatever makes you happy.

Now I have this incredible sinking feeling of going back to Band C life again, since this short-lived attachment to Central Band is, as of today, over.

It really is back to the hole.

2009-09-21T20:44:00.000+08:00

What a great weekend.

It's back to the hole for me.

2009-09-13T22:41:00.002+08:00

I used to enjoy my life here. I never regretted my decision and had always considered it a blessing. I was in a place where I knew I had purpose. Most importantly, it was a place I liked to be in.

Now, I can say nothing good about it. I've never truly felt the overwhelming need to ORD before this change occurred. Now I can't wait to finish my duties and leave this place, leaving behind the disappointment, disdain and humiliation.

I see no positive light in this issue. The only time for cheering up is when I pack my things and leave...when my identity once again lies in pink background on 8 February 2010.

2009-09-13T12:01:00.002+08:00

Ah, Sunday. COG day.

Feels like an excellent day to be part of the support band.

Ah who am I kidding? Playing support for COG is one of the most pointless, excruciating things, discounting SAF day.

The point of COG, by and large, is fame, pride and enjoyment on a grand scale. This is, unfortunately, enjoyed only by the main band...which is, this time, Central Band. Oh the irony.

It's immensely discouraging to find myself feeling nothing but scorn when I think of work nowadays.

So continues my journey to freedom...plagued by massive indignation and a purposeless existence.

2009-09-11T08:58:00.001+08:00

Reporting late today for OCS rehearsal.

I. Hate. OCS. Commissioning. Parade.

2009-09-07T22:29:00.002+08:00

Does it hurt to be pissed more than once in two weeks?

I'm coming down with something and quite frankly I'm half-grateful for this predicament.

USD/JPY doesn't seem to be making any more headway though I do agree impatience is blasphemy in forex trading. Then again, it's only a practice account.

OCS and COG this weekend and I'm feeling rather half-hearted about this whole week. Must have been the 'long weekend'.

I wonder...if I do see a doctor tomorrow, will I be given the universally prized (well, for SAF personnel, at least) 7 day MC?

That remains to be seen...as with much of my coming life.

2009-09-01T22:36:00.002+08:00

Patiently, grudgingly counting down the days till my release from poverty and this sordid, intellectual void.

2009-08-26T22:11:00.002+08:00

Okay it's 10:11pm on my clock and frankly I'm quite pissed.

First, I see my friend's msn nick, saying 4 Sept ORD. He must have gotten clearance for his shoulder operation and so managed an earlier ORD date. He would've ORD-ed in about December otherwise.

Second, there's some kind of 7th Lunar Month auction/dinner going on at MY VOID DECK and the host is making a fuckload of noise shouting through the god damn microphone. SHOUTING! Seriously, why can't you just pay your respects and fuck off?

Third, I am not liking life in Band C although I'm taking everything pretty well. It's not that I'm not adapting or I'm totally lost. I...well...don't like it. Period.

Fourth, CARMEN TAN is not online due to exams and I don't expect her to be for quite a few days!!!!! I need to laugh.

Fifth, the host just increased his shouting volume.

=.=

2009-08-23T19:42:00.004+08:00

I went to ACSJ today for my cousin's church's worship session + sermon. This caucasian couple from overseas came to perform with the worship band and they were great.

I must say it was my first time stepping out of my comfort zone, placing myself admist these people I once considered alien and somewhat disillusioned. But I couldn't be absolutely sure unless I tried it for myself, and I now stand corrected. At least partially.

Yeah, the way they worship and sing praises to their Lord seems cheesy, but you know, it's just their way. They aren't afraid to give themselves totally to Him, to lift themselves up into His Hands and worship His Name in their own way.

And for the first time being in such a holy communion, I felt good as well as uncomfortably awkward. First steps are always like this, I suppose. I mean come on, how can you not feel good in a place filled with genuine warmth and welcoming gestures despite knowing, somehow, that you're not supposed to be there? I feel good at mosque too, although that's more of a peaceful feeling than one of particular mirth.

In any case, I feel proud to have surmounted this spiritual challenge, of sorts, and gone to show my support for my cousin.

On a funnier note, all of the people there who met and shook hands with me, mainly the ushers, had a hard time catching and pronouncing my name. One even went as far as to spell it out as 'Cairo', while the Reverend himself couldn't make the connection between my mum and I. hahaha..weird, but I suppose they don't see many people with a Muslim name in a church service anyway. Here's the irony : the foreign couple (probably Australian or American, I'm not sure) recognized and pronounced my name correctly the first time. Strange...

I really wonder if today's event was the beginning of my baby steps toward a possible transformation...it seems as though I can only turn to my cousin Yilin for support if I have any doubts regarding this issue. My mum is...how should I say, a bit too biased and strongheaded for me at this time.

I shall continue to be my skeptic self and see if this little sidetrack will take me to yet another dead end, or into another vast, unpredictable journey in which, somehow, I can only see good things.

Perhaps, perhaps.

2009-08-21T23:30:00.002+08:00

Currently undergoing mental conversion to mode : "Don't know, I don't care, whatever."

Expected duration of change : 5 and a half months

Temporary overrides effective only in case of interesting duties during period of execution.

Priority level increases when under influence of designated undesirables.

Monday is the day I become truly...brain dead.

This is my final leg in what has been the longest endurance run in an organization for which I have developed a vehemence so deep it's become a scar in my memory.

Toss them right in, along with the others, please.

2009-08-17T09:54:00.000+08:00

I am still in pain...

And I still think I don't deserve the medal.

Bah. It's over already, anyway.

2009-08-13T17:57:00.001+08:00

Just finished watching The Passion of the Christ. Really old movie, but I only regret not watching it sooner.

I can't say much about the historical authenticity of the events portrayed in the movie, but what I can say is that from the scene of Jesus' flogging till the end of the movie, I actually had to keep myself from bursting into tears at any moment. It's a truly heartwrenching string of events, aside from feelings of disdain and anger due to the brutality of the Roman soldiers and the Phariseean (sp?) priests.

I wonder if I should tell my mum I have it. I might just find myself walking into my room a few days later with my mum staring at the computer screen, a few empty tissue boxes beside her. No, I'm not being sarcastic. This movie's a real tear jerker, no kidding.

Dragonica, dragonica, dragonica...and AHM this sunday.

2009-08-10T23:13:00.001+08:00

Needless to say, I've been a sorry excuse for a human being.

2009-08-04T22:53:00.001+08:00

There seem to have been some...slight complications. Now I'm pretty sure that I'll only be thanking four people, not including those from my batch and my friends, at the next ORD function.

This is not exciting. Not one bit.

2009-07-31T14:35:00.002+08:00

I recently noticed my mum had ordered all the doors closed, while she hid away in her room every time my grandmother started to pray in the living room. I was baffled by this and asked my mum why was it that she would not allow the doors to be opened while my grandma was praying.

"Because I'm Christian now, and by right she isn't even allowed to pray in this house, because this is a Christian house now. What she's worshiping is demonic."

"What? Who told you that? And what's so demonic about Japanese Buddhism?"

"The church. She prays from that book of hers, and the writing in it is demonic."

"How do you know it's demonic?"

"Who is she praying to?"

"People have the right, by law, to worship whatever they will."

"But why pray to something which isn't real? Only Jesus is the true God."

"Are you saying that everyone else who aren't Christians, and worship other Gods, are worshiping the Devil, then?"

"Of course."

"That's ridiculous. Everyone has the right to pray to whomever they want! When did you start having this kind of zealous thinking?"

"Aiya, don't argue with me. You don't even know what you're talking about. You don't go for religious classes and don't understand the meaning of all this"

"..."

Her way of thinking is starting to become frighteningly similar to that of Christian soldiers hundreds of years ago back in the time of the Crusades; soldiers who unquestioningly gave their lives for the good of the 'True Faith', warriors of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not siding the Muslims in the conflict. Quite frankly I find both sides to be exceptionally foolish due to the fact that both sides think, quite reverently, that their faith is the one and only, and the only one allowed to be upon this Earth.

This worrying behaviour of hers...it's an outrage. What in the name of whoever is above us as the omnipresent, incorruptible entity, is her church doing to her mind?

First of all, it's not mature. Rational people would accept the fact that people have the intrinsic free will to worship in their own way, except in cases whereby the religion they wish to pursue is outlawed, often for good reason, by the government of their country. Others, such as Satanism, are just plain wrong. However, it is their choice, so why not just leave everyone else be, and put your heart into pursuing great faith in your own religion?

Second of all, socially, it's an utter disgrace to indirectly deny her own mother the right to pursue her own religion; one she has steadfastly stood by for most of her life, and she's already nearing 80 years of age. 80 years of blind worship, my mum would surely say. 80 years of worshiping that which would take great pleasure in seeing people writhe in the endless flames of Hell.

That aside, it seems utterly impossible to reason with my mum on anything pertaining to compromise when it comes to religion from this point forth. She has reached the mental end-of-the-line, where the stop reads "I am a Christian. Everyone else who's not Christian, are...not Christian. Full stop." And there is no turning back.

It won't be long before I've had enough with my mum's incessant zealotry.

2009-07-30T00:29:00.002+08:00

Just bought myself the 'large' version of Cemetery Dance, the latest installment in the Pendergast series of novels by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child. No, I couldn't wait for the 'pocket' version, and it was $30 well spent, mind you.

I'm running out of House M.D. season 5 episodes to watch...damn it. I'm starting to get addicted again. Greatest series ever.

I can't believe I'm actually going back to work tomorrow. Long breaks are the shortest! What an oxymoron. What's more, there's COD rehearsal at the floating platform. I cannot rightly express in earthly words how this predicament has incurred my wrath. No...I cannot indeed.

Just got off the phone with my cousin (fencer). Initially I didn't know who called but I recognized her voice almost immediately, though I didn't really believe it was her because of the fact that it was past midnight. It's so good to hear from her again. Came across an article on her in the Brightsparks magazine by chance while I was book surfing the other day...that one about scholarships and the like. Talked about...sensitive stuff.

I'm starting to ponder whether it's really possible for a staunch Christian to click and converse well with a rather Atheistic person.

Time to get back to work.

2009-07-27T00:55:00.002+08:00

Brimstone is turning out to be an excellent read. It would be truly unputdownable if not for my feeble attention span and ever impatient state of mind. Time to get the next in the trilogy!

Preview...then actual NDP...then I can finally be rid of this nightmare of a national celebration. It's going to be back to normal band life, all over again till ORD.

Perhaps it would be wise to effect small changes in our state of mind and personal doctrine for greater benefit...or rather, less trouble. Essentially, we're not really changing the way we are, or altering our identity. Not significantly, at least.

All is good when everyone stands a chance to gain.

All is good.

2009-07-24T18:12:00.003+08:00

For you who are leaving again tonight...

Time has indeed passed quickly; far too quickly. And even in this short time I've never ceased feeling the omnipresent warmth emanating from you : in your words, your voice, the mere thought of you. It really did look like everyone wanted a piece of you as soon as they knew you were back, did it?

It's going to feel like yet another void without you around, though 4 months does seem like quite short a time...as do all quanta of time these days.

If there's one thing I always know, it's that whenever you're too far, I'll miss you.

Wherever you go...I always know.

Take care of yourself.

2009-07-22T21:34:00.002+08:00

For those who enjoy preaching the practice of faith to ensure all things go well...

"If you teach that things will be good if you have faith, and things don't happen, does that mean you don't have enough faith?"

Quoting another example...

"I'm sure things will go well. The Lord will provide!"

"So if you don't get what you wish for, even if it is modest and reasonable, does that mean the Lord did not provide?"

Possible responses :

1. Rational person - "Ah, I suppose He did not."
2. Misguided person - "Of course not! It is all part of His Design. He will surely provide for me, or already is providing for me. It's just that it's in another manner, perhaps still unrevealed to the human eye."

And yet another example...

I'm very sure there are more than a mere handful of staunch Christians who have had plastic surgery or some other form of physical alteration by means of aesthetic surgery. Not to mention the slimming programmes, beautification regimes and the like, all evidence of mankind's hunger for social validation and respect.

Now then, did God not make everyone in His image, and therefore they should be content with how they look, even if by 'social standards', they might be, ah, 'mediocre'?

Shame on you, for you have disrespected the Lord by attempting to alter your image, and hence, His image, for personal gain.

I suppose, then, all Christians who have had plastic surgery will, ah, not be admitted into the Lord's Paradise come the Day of Judgment?

Pitiful.

2009-07-18T00:58:00.002+08:00

Five days of off, over. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a long break can end, just as one begins to settle into it. There never really is 'settling into a break' till retirement, is there?

Went to Frolick with carmen today. It's really quite good! I must say they're quite generous with the toppings. She's a firecracker, a bundle of joy as usual. All it takes is a little bit of her omnipresent moronity to incite laughter in anyone. Glad; I haven't seen her in quite a while.

NDP tomorrow...or should I say, today. I imagine I'll be home past midnight once again.

Quick side note : Lord of the Rings is a breathtaking epic, the movie(s) to conquer all others in all aspects of filmmaking. Simply marvelous.

I wonder what mum has up her sleeve...hmmm

2009-07-16T21:07:00.003+08:00

Well, well, well. It seems a migration of faith hasn't done very much for my mum. I'd always expected this rather sound change to help her become, how should I put it? Calmer. More reserved, more spiritually aware of surrounding emotion. More spiritually connected to people, you know, things like that.

Why don't I think it's helping, you ask? Let's see now. She still scolds my grandmother rather often, most times for the most trivial things. I mean come on. Yeah, she's kinda annoying sometimes, I concur. But she's old! And more importantly so, she's your mother! Shouldn't one treat his mother the best above all others? It does seem kinda biased, but I've always lived under the impression that mum always comes first, because mum loves you best. Then again, it's not about who loves you the best, but you get the idea anyway.

Does she seriously want my grandmother to live her years under a constant bombardment of needless ribbing and less-than-happy emotions?

I honestly expected the ardent faith in Christianity to be a sound aid in cooling her tempestuous nature. I think she was born with it, but hell, everyone can rightly control most of their actions and behaviour right? Unless, of course, we're talking about genuine mental cases; clinical psycho-sociopaths and the like. Then again...nobody can really count on religion alone to solve the problems of the real world, much less those involving plain human nature.

I wonder if it's really true that most people nowadays only turn to religion as a last resort; praying fervently and, shall I say, pseudo-faithfully, for solution, absolution, and divine guidance, where all earthly ways have seemingly failed them. I do know of people who are genuinely in touch with their faith, people who have so comfortably and respectfully integrated their faith into their daily lives, and perhaps have changed them for the better in the process. It could be divine cleansing, the purity of prayer. It could be a regular psychological peace of mind. To each his own, I suppose.

Alas, faith might be the solution yet.

2009-07-15T11:23:00.002+08:00

For those of you who frequently experience the itch to indulge in something witty, and appreciate good humour, try reading novels written by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child. Yes, those novels are jointly written, though the individual authors have published their own novels too. I have never come across thriller novels so intelligent, witty and overwhelmingly riveting in all my days of reading. It seems as I go on, the books I come across just get better and better.

Anyway, two things.

I've painted my room blue, which is a nice change.

I attended the SNYO concert on Monday evening at the Esplanade and witnessed a 16 year old virtuoso shred on the violin. I suppose putting it that way would be an insult, but I'm mean that purely in a respectful and breathlessly awed point of view. Did I mention the excess of cute girls present at the event, both performer and audience? A welcome sight away from the pixels on my computer screen.

It's day 3 of my block off already? God damn it, seriously. Everytime there's a long break it's sure to pass by so quickly you won't even feel you've begun to settle down in the mood. Well then...that's how it's supposed to be, isn't it?

2009-07-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

Finally...the block off is here.

It's been a week of dining-ins and NDP and a lot of wasted time. Hmm...what's new?

Life's starting to ease up a bit and feel a little better.

2009-07-01T21:01:00.002+08:00

SAF Day's finally over. Gonna be a lot more relaxed from now on.

Ran through a few things in my mind and it kinda struck me that wherever love was found something would be destroyed along the way. Sure, you've probably found something so indescribably fantastic, something so wonderfully perfect you probably don't notice. It's almost like a sort of exchange where the scales aren't necessarily balanced.

Earth, Wind and Fire is one of the greatest bands ever.

2009-06-26T22:16:00.002+08:00

Godforsaken joint pains are the bane of my existence...well apart from other things anyway. I like to keep my hatred focused on things that are more...concurrent.

Funny, I thought I'd gotten used to being called a loser for choosing what to do in NS. Something still makes my skin crawl when that happens.

I heard tomorrow's city march will be a back-and-forth route along the road near the F1 paddocks. Sounds extremely interesting. I guess that's what we get when not all the roads required can be closed. I heard road closures, for any purpose, really piss people off.

My size is starting to become a rather personal problem. Hypermetabolism is really annoying. The idea of being ridiculously scrawny for the rest of my life is as appealing as eating beetle grubs off a pile of animal entrails.

Long term hatred isn't good. Wonder if I might get heartburn.

2009-06-24T23:19:00.002+08:00

Differing views that result in clashes, often more on the personal level than anything else, and putting aside all attachments to other things related, it's hardly surprising how certain things can be so easy to let go of. Then again, letting go is subjective in its own right, and any line drawn is blurry at best.

People and ideas come and go. Enemies of today may be friends tomorrow, and vice versa.

Times change. By the second.

Nothing really seems 'solid' at any given point in time. Is it really that easy to hold on to an attachment? Sometimes we're not given a choice. Sometimes we lose these things either out of our own fault or that of others, but the latter, again, is rather subjective.

In the things we own and hold dear we see ownership. It's quite difficult to see it any other way.

Do people actually realize that what's slipping through their fingers is worth more than they can ever imagine? When all that is gone and the dust has settled on both sides of that blurred line...it pretty much becomes a lot more defined. No crossovers.

How can something built over so many years of sweat, blood and tears be laid to waste with little more than a shrugging of shoulders and a stubborn, caustic denial?

It looks as if everything is losing its soul.

Nobody cares anymore...do they?

Everyone's running away. It's so...disconcerting.

There is medication for illness of health. But there is no medication for death.

2009-06-21T14:25:00.002+08:00

Reached home at 5:30am this morning O_O

You know, pimples are like Islamic terrorists (funny, it should rather be the other way round). Whenever one is gotten rid of, another is sure to pop up nearby. What they have in common is that they're almost impossible to completely get rid of, and they're all hell bent on making your life miserable for a cause you will never understand.

Tomorrow's the last day for acceptance for business school. Oh well.

There's some kind of 'drumline' performing for NDP. I spied two snare drums from PY (I thought that kevlar head was exceptionally taut!). Seems they managed to gather a series of marching percussion instruments by borrowing from various secondary schools. Initially I'd thought they were going to be doing something serious, but they turned out to be a bunch of half-past-six kids who pretty much seemed to not know what they were doing. I'll just leave it at that.

To your leeeeeft, to your leeeeeft, to your left right! *annoying, high pitched voices* GIRL GUIDES!

=.="

2009-06-17T23:58:00.002+08:00

Another SAF Day rehearsal down...today was full dress for vetting.

Personally I find it a joke that officers, aside from the men, can be dropping flat on their faces on the parade square when not one bandsman has ever fallen out over the entire course of the rehearsals, given the fact that the job we're blessed with is more taxing than theirs. I see bulging biceps and IPPT Gold badges don't have much to show for, eh?

Felt like a CD player today.

I have been brought face to face with the sheer futility of skincare when I realize every time I go on parade the spots from hell just keep coming back.

2009-06-15T20:30:00.002+08:00

Passing by City Harvest Church this evening in the bus, I thought of this interesting joke.

Know why they call it City Harvest? You know, they harvest from the city, so the church is like this modernized Town Hall and the little peons go out from it to get gold from believers in the surrounding area. The Town Hall has an aura that adds Spread Influence +100 so the peons can go much further into the map of Singapore than just the surrounding area of the Town Hall, thereby significantly increasing gold income.

City. Harvest.

Warcraft-ified.

I made a little friend today. It was this cute little green hummingbird, of sorts. It managed to land on my bag strap and refuse to let go when I tried to gently pull it off. I did, though, and stroked it a couple of times before it flew off, almost flying right into a fan. Would've been splattered real good if it did.

6 more SAF Day rehearsals. Countless more NDP ones.

Excellent.

2009-06-11T22:52:00.002+08:00

I got my acceptance letter from SMU Business. The irony is that there's a good chance I'm turning it down!

Fickle minded as I may be, I've decided to go with engineering as a profession.

Strange dream. Excruciating to wake up from, remembering as how...utterly delicious it had been. Ah, forbidden yearning in its unreachable manifestation. Why did it only hit me now after so long?

Flu bug's gone. Time to go back to work.

Happy birthday, Qi Zheng!! Always brothers, man. We're all always busy, but we've also gotta make time for each other to go out together, especially since you're going to ENLIST soon. ORD LOH! heh heh.

2009-06-04T19:26:00.001+08:00

I am now...contactable!

Same number.

2009-06-03T23:09:00.001+08:00

I regret to inform you that my handphone was stolen today at the gym. Some lowlife son-of-his-grandfather's-son picked it up after it fell out of my pocket and turned it off after I tried calling it a few times. Honestly now, I pity him more than I do myself! That worthless excuse for mobile communication looks like something someone would use as a reserve for a reserve for a reserve phone!

Alan and I agree that springfielders can be a vengeful, sadistic bunch, and at first I really wished this cheap excuse for a man would die in his sleep tonight, but then again, luck is luck. You win this time, you testicle-deprived worm.

SO IN ESSENCE, please note that I am uncontactable until further notice.

Thank you!

2009-05-31T16:54:00.002+08:00

I've come to realize the many different facets of meaning when it comes to 'letting go'.

It could be the total diminishing of all feelings toward the person. But is that really possible?

It could be the granting of forgiveness. I feel only those with the biggest of hearts are able to do this.

It could be erasing the person from your life in all its entirety, being that there would be no feelings for it if it were not there at all. This, to me, is contemptuously immature, though.

It could also be the acceptance of the person in all its character and ways, be it amiably or in contempt. Seems the best way?

Is it really possible that acceptance can be achieved without any forgiveness? How can someone accept something when every time he sees it or thinks of it, his heart is torn over and over again, and his eyes are searing with hate?

Is it really possible to come to understand and accept a person's character as something so overwhelmingly loathsome and still allow it to exist in your life?

Everyone has his own set of choices to choose from, neither of which we have any power to influence with any confirmed effect. Choices are made and pathways are set; they are not for us to walk on.

But like any physical pathway on the face of this Earth, it can remain a scar on the map of your life.

A scar I can do without.

2009-05-26T18:07:00.003+08:00

For thee who hath sinned against me, seek no forgiveness, for you shall be granted none; and cursed be thy name, a presence which ignites my loathing, the constant beckoning a nightmarish haunting.

2009-05-23T22:41:00.002+08:00

It's Saturday night. That means the day of wasting time is almost over. Almost. But who am I to complain? Wasting time is part of NS life anyway, regardless of which unit you're in. I should be glad I'm not sitting around sweating my ass off in long 4.

Some things, in general, haven't changed...and some things will never change. That's a little sad considering what I'm talking about. No one knows what I'm talking about, right? Good. So what I've said can either make a lot of sense, or most probably right now, no sense at all.

It feels almost easy to wipe someone right off the face of the earth. No, I'm not talking about murder. Oh, it's so very cruel, yes. So immature. Such a stark display of a serious lack of interpersonal ability! Yet so very tempting. Childish things can be tempting at times, no? Once you've accepted the fact that you want it, it's that easy not to turn back.

I must have been telling lies all this time, then! Then again...lies are kind of a one-for-one thing, aren't they? Trust is so overrated. Notice how people say things differently to suit their current situations? How can there be any truth anymore, when every opinion yields a different understanding...on top of that, opinions are always changing.

I'm tired of being used. Used? No, how could I ever say that I'm being used? Manipulated is a better word. Wait, I'm not even sure if that's the case in reality. Everything seems very cryptic right about now, huh? Some people are going to suffer. How very selfish I can be. Does one really need to be cruel to be kind?

If there's one thing I've learnt over the past few months....

It's that my room is inexplicably and unbearably stuffy.

Feels like a night of randomness.

2009-05-17T22:42:00.002+08:00

Pseudo-magic, walk this way
Always the lead in every play
You bring suffering
You bring pain
Life's like this it's just a game

No more hope, no need to pray
Get what you want and walk away
Afford yourself nothing but disdain
Joy and love was what you claimed

I see you.

I see time slip away.

I see lies.

I see gut-wrenching pain.

It has surfaced.

2009-05-13T21:44:00.002+08:00

The passing of today has reminded me about a few things.

1. Nothing ever goes according to plan
2. Rolling on a snare drum to a tempo that resides in the middle of nowhere, i.e. 100-128 is rather vexing
3. Being asked to roll 'tighter' on a piano roll to a tempo that resides in the middle of nowhere is even more vexing
4. It is possible to induce great laughter under stress in the confines of a recording studio.

I need a better excuse for not being able to handle my instrument better.

Being back at work is a little more than a shock after 4 days of wasting my time away at home. Long weekends do feel very, very brief relative to shorter (or rather, normal) ones.

Dota-ing also makes me miss out on conversations I would much prefer to have over chasing pixels. It's already happened one too many times and with every instance I feel more guilty than the last.

I miss you like wolverine misses the moon. Except I do get to touch you again.

2009-05-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

The "boys life application" study bible.

Wonder what's in it.

2009-05-09T11:08:00.001+08:00

Been a long time, but I still feel the disgust in my gut.

Strange.

Why can't I just understand?

This could be debilitating.

2009-05-04T19:06:00.002+08:00

This is why I hate it when my mum talks to be about Christianity and how much I need it before 'the world ends'.

It's a good conversation, until a biased point is made (usually by her). An argument follows and I then have to choose to be aggressive in defending a point or defensive in hopes of not aggravating the already exceedingly awkward situation; a situation I never chose to be in. These arguments never end well and in the end, one or both of us walks away feeling less than happy.

Call me a classic cynic, but preaching has a totally opposite effect on me from what it is intended to achieve. Repeatedly pounding onto me something you believe to be true makes me more skeptical with every attempt.

Don't push me. I apologize for the abrasive use of language, but don't fucking push me. For with every push, I move further away from what you seek.

2009-05-01T10:45:00.003+08:00

Here comes the long weekend!

My entire upper body is aching from working out at Raffles Place' California Fitness. Sorry, I've joined the dark side. I'm going to be $63.13 poorer every month for yet another commitment. Add that to the protein shakes I'm expecting to fork out for at least thrice a week...Okay let's not go there. It's getting rather depressing.

The SMU interview went pretty well I suppose. It's...unconventional. Interesting and rather stress-free, though. Lucky me, I didn't prepare anything business-related for the interview. I didn't have the time, anyway. All I had in my head was dota and that particularly mesmerizing marimba piece. They didn't test anything business related at all. I still kinda like that foot and a half tall jar of mustard and the fact that I actually had the idea of running around campus pelting everyone with mustard filled balloons.

Got myself another Steve Berry. The Romanov Prophecy. Promises to be a good read...another trusty companion for my boring work afternoons (when I'm not practicing, anyways. And yes, I do practice and not slack off the entire day as some people might think.)

When will this longing fade...

2009-04-28T21:17:00.002+08:00

I get to wake up late tomorrow...that's comforting.

What's less comforting is the interview I have at SMU's school of business in the afternoon.

Hmmm...

2009-04-25T22:55:00.002+08:00

Today's rehearsal was a waste of time, kind of. Report at 12:30pm. Rehearsal 'started' at around 3pm. Yes. 3pm. And when we actually went down to the parade square, it was 4:30pm, and rehearsal ended at 5:30pm. So basically I was only useful for an hour. Yeah, that's supposed to be a good thing, but the last thing I need on a weekend is to have my time wasted. I'd rather be down for the whole thing instead of waiting for almost the entire afternoon.

Well anyway, did a few rounds around the parade square with the parade people and boy did it hurt in the beginning. It's kinda like running; body gets numb after a little suffering. We're doing a street march this year so it's going to be quite a long way. Twice the distance we covered today, I heard. I guess that's a good thing. We get a lot of attention on parade.

Quite frankly I feel strongly about NDP, well not in a patriotic sense, but I really don't mind participating. It's just the rehearsals that are always so detestable.

I have to start strengthening my back just like my SL told us. My lower back is killing me right now, and I was only carrying a snare. Might just slip a disc if I have to play bass in this condition.

Going cycling with my cousins and cy tmr, wonder how that will turn out.

2009-04-24T21:27:00.003+08:00

The colours were transparent and worn, and I couldn't see them at first. Through their lucidity I saw warmth, I saw love, I saw a happiness I'd wished for for a very long time, and wanted to have for even longer. In its simplicity I saw truth, faith and trust, and in the breeze it left in its constant circling, the sweet breath of a life long deserved to be lived.

Slowly though, but irrevocably surely, the colours began to embolden, and I saw in them things I'd never expected, with them, experienced emotions I could not understand.

They are, and ironically always were, always there, and so richly emblazoned in front of my eyes. I couldn't see them at all. I needed to have my eyes opened, the cloud of bias removed, and my mind open to my ears which received that which I never wanted to hear.

The colours were all there. And in their mass I saw everything I couldn't see in the beginning.

Violet...the colour of apathy
Blue...the colour of the unfaithful, the cold, the self-righteous, the untrustworthy
Green...the colour of indifference
Yellow...the colour of deception
Red...the colour of brutality

They were...intertwined, yet by taking a step back and surveying the chaos, I could individualize them, and finally understand.

All of them were lies. All of it.

All of it.

2009-04-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

Yet another week is coming to a close; barely.

There should be another COD with the kids and other contingents this saturday in camp, though I don't really mind going back. A few hours there, and we get monday off. Isn't really very tiring either, anyway. Realized I don't really mind playing bass drum despite my pathetic size. haha.

NDP fever seems to be in the air even though things don't really seem to be picking up from my perspective. Maybe the kids are excited. I do know most if not all of the others aren't as much. There's a slight difference between having to do it and wanting to do it.

It seems I've gone back to living life as how I had a long, long time ago, or so it seems. Living day by day, looking forward to things that happen within the hours instead of what would happen in the days, weeks or months to come. It's...rather boring. Perhaps the recent boredom's been lessened somewhat by Angels and Demons. I've finished reading it already, anyway. Love the epic twist at the end. And why did they have to end the story where Vittoria just took her robe off? 0_o

Been awfully tired this week. I always find myself dozing off whenever I can. Am I just not meant to sleep late? It's strange sometimes. I can wake up feeling more tired if I'd slept for 6 hours instead of my usual 5 on weeknights. The inverse relationship just doesn't make sense. And oh yeah, I long for the days I get to enjoy my full 12 hours of sleep. Yes, 12 hours. I grew up with that kind of luxury...so you can't really blame me for it.

Gonna check out epiee fencing after NDP. I hope my cousin can make the right arrangements for me when I'm ready. What am I talking about? Of course she can...

I feel it's only a matter of time before I "walk with the Lord". That sentence just overflows with irony, doesn't it? I guess it isn't really so bad anyway, minus the cheesy parts, whatever they might be. I suppose I'd be doing my part in making my mum happy by making the same choice she did. It really does make a lot of sense; the religion so to speak. Any faith can make sense if you're willing to believe in it, accept it and live a life with it as your support. On a slightly less optimistic note, my dad's side of my family is going to be some pissed. I guess my mum would know how to deal with that. In time.

Contrary to thought, I have absolutely no intention whatsoever. Things have...changed, and so have perspectives. Well essentially they haven't changed; just gotten clearer. People change. We all have to take it in our stride.

To end on a rather strange note...I find myself slightly numbed to incessant whining.

2009-04-17T19:35:00.001+08:00

And I thought I had all the answers. Well I pretty much did. Most of them, actually. But now I feel I have enough to let everything go and in its passing smile upon my good fortune in moving forward, instead of being hopelessly and helplessly stuck in this void which I'd inadvertently created all on my own accord.

What a fool I was.

Why did it take me so long to come to understand and accept the fact that I'd been lied to and manipulated like a tool?

All that wasted emotion. And all that time. All that trust. Whatever hope and faith I had was utterly destroyed and now I know that it was inevitable in the first place.

Well now I know.

And I am humbled by the fact that I had been so weak.

I have suffered enough.

2009-04-13T22:15:00.001+08:00

What a nice way to start the week. Half a day of work, then a trip down to Orchard for lunch at the Rice Table, compliments of Captain Yusri. Had a good time shoving down the ala carte buffet then playing LAN. All those hours on COD4 paid off! I was owning in CS. hahaha...although I still feel playing CS is an insult to my FPS prowess. Decent player. Not good. haha. It doesn't take much to play CS. DOTA? As usual...feeder. =.= I was 8 levels behind the highest leveled player at the end of the match.

Had kimchi rice with carmen yesterday at east coast park! I never knew I could have so much fun being with that moron. hahaha. Like can never run out of things to talk about...random stuff, funny stuff, weird stuff...it just kept coming out. And the rice was good too!

Surprises, surprises, surprises. I do love giving surprises. Only a matter of time...

2009-04-11T23:23:00.002+08:00

There are...a few ways to look at this.

Forgiveness?

Come now, don't be a child. Be mature about this, and don't bear this grudge. Forgive the soul, and gratitude shall be yours to behold. Animosity brings sin, and with it, a perpetual downcast on your personal well-being. Forgive. Be a grown up. Forgive.

Forgiveness?

This is the ultimate gift; there can be no greater. To forgive is to accept and relinquish the accused of all sin, of all grudge and hate, to provide for him a clean slate that belongs to you and you alone from which to continue his relationship with you. You are giving more than the verbal weight of forgiveness. More than trust. You are allowing him to be cleansed. Free from all sinful obligation, of reproachful self-punishment.

Come now, don't be a child. Give the ultimate gift.

2009-04-09T21:55:00.002+08:00

I've just realized that today marks the 1 year anniversary of my enlistment into NS. Up till now, I've learnt a few things.

1. Route marches are boring, not tiring.
2. The SAF takes great pride in educating the masses in the importance of waiting as a pastime.
3. The M-16 is a real bitch to clean.
4. Digging a hole is harder than it sounds or looks.

It's been quite some time already and I really wonder if this particular reflection is appropriate. I feel as if I've been desensitized, somewhat, placing little or no importance on the 'feel good' factor of a relationship. No, not in the physical sense, you with your perverted little minds...or is it just me? Well anyway, I wonder if this is normal. Or maybe I've just been accustomed, somehow, to being single that I don't really feel the need to be...in a sense, 'whole'. Live life as half an entity. What? I've survived. Why not a little longer? Or very much longer, perhaps.

To see things as they are; horrifying, a blasphemous statement engraved in stone to haunt you as you wish and worry your bleak days by...It's a torture. To accept things as they are; everything is in its place, everything has its place, and everything is well worth its place...sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's the only way to live life as is its commonly perceived purpose : To suffer, to endure, and to experience in its entirety the meaning of pain and all its allies and constituents, and to move forward in life stronger everyday.

For this phase in life, I have suffered enough.

2009-04-07T21:06:00.005+08:00

Sick since yesterday...so went to see a doctor this morning. She said it was sinusitis, the inflammation of the air cavities within the paranasal sinuses. Hm...as if any of us would actually understand that. But anyway, got a 2 day mc to rest it off.

FEAR2 is one freaky game. Girl's face appearing suddenly on your screen...extremely bloody decapitations and dismemberment, writing on the floor and walls...see for yourself.

One of the many gruesome scenes in the game. This was set in a hospital, of sorts.

Here's a closer look, where you can see (i hope) the words and symbols written in blood.

All things appear equal and just, righteous and fitting...until you've been wronged.

2009-04-04T22:28:00.002+08:00

A patient on the House S05E15, an atheist who works in a church (oh the irony) mentioned this :

"God wants life to be meaningful, but life is meaningless without free will. Free will brings suffering, so...God wants suffering."

WIN!

Gotta go back to camp tomorrow for BO. Gonna stuff my PSP with prison break. Got myself a new book too! Well actually it's kinda an old book. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. The movie's coming out this year. I wonder if I can finish it by tomorrow...in which case I'd have to source for another read sometime this week in preparation for NDP rehearsals. I can't be psp-ing ALL the time.

NDP rehearsals are starting! Guess when? Next Saturday! And NDP is in August! DO THE MATH! Every Saturday for the next four months is going to be burnt, spent mostly waiting than anything else. Oh well. Who am I to complain?

Left 4 Dead is always so exciting. For a guy who gets bored of even the most spectacular of games, getting hooked to L4D for more than a week is pretty hard to believe.

"No...this isn't right."

2009-04-02T19:30:00.002+08:00

This week's been a few things, and the two that stand out the most are : eventful and tiring.

Went out with my JC classmates to celebrate Jon's birthday at Jurong Point, of all places, although it's really not that bad a place once I actually set foot in it. We had dinner at Billy Bomber's, much to my dismay at first because if it's anything at all, it's overpriced. I did a keblakang-pusing in that thought when my Naked Gun burger with almost all the works arrived at my table. I didn't recognize it at all man. What I saw wasn't a burger. It was a ginormous monster of a meal with a beef patty the size of a small dishplate, as thick as a 300 page book, surrounded by jalapeno peppers, onions and lots of other stuff, all tucked into two huge bread buns, with onion rings on the side. That's not all. Accompanying the monstrosity were two bowls, one filled with mexican salsa, the other with melted cheese. I don't even want to talk about how enjoyable and filling that meal was. I might just jizz in my pants or something...

We went to the SAFRA near CMPB to play pool after that till around midnight. Was a really good game! A lot of laughs, a lot of ridiculous tyco shots which made it damn interesting.

Jon's driving was...spectacular. hahaha. I won't discuss that here. Let's just say it was a heart-in-mouth experience.

I slept at 2:30 that night, and had to wake up at 5:45 to go to work. I swear I was stoned man. Was considering taking U/L because I was so shack.

And last night Jem brought me to LFI to check things out. To my surprise, I met a few of my SAF Band mates there too. Was there till quite late, so I reached home at midnight. I didn't quite expect the introductory lecture to take such a long time. But I've got to hand it to some of the more accomplished guys there. There are people taking in $20k+++ easy every month. The power of multi-level marketing never ceases to amaze me, though I do admit it takes a lot of luck and opportunity to be able to be successful.

I've finally finished Breaking Dawn! And I am officially non-clinically depressed. That's like...the end of Twilight. THE END! I saw a 'The End' on the final page of the book and was just... T_T stupid Midnight Sun leak. I feel like such a SINNER having read it, though I only went through a few pages. Come on Stephenie...write a few more! WE LOVE YOU, NOT EDWARD!

With the rather exhausting mood of this week I've never really realized how much I miss mum. I do think of her often, of that I'm sure. I just can't wait till November till she comes back, then we get to try that retarded prank on people! I just know it's going to be so much fun. 7 more months! It'll pass sooner than we think.

Be strong and be happy, and soon you will be home. Love you =)

2009-03-29T12:09:00.002+08:00

Going for band didn't turn out to be as awkward as I'd expected. Well, it was pretty awkward in places when poh compared me and khairi and stuff, but I guess it's pretty normal. I just don't like the attention.

Thank god I never took up his offer to be a percussion instructor for AI or BT. If it's one thing I can't do to save my life, well besides drawing, it's teaching. There are two groups of people, mainly. Those who can play but can't teach, and those who can't play but can teach. Those who can do both, well they're up there man. haha. So I'm guessing I'm part of the less privileged who can play but can't teach.

I wonder if it's a flaw in itself; finding it extraordinarily difficult to accurate pinpoint the flaws in others. Petty mistakes, character flaws...Again, two groups of people. Those who effortlessly spot others' mistakes and shortcomings whilst ignoring their own, be it out of innocent ignorance or blatant arrogance, and those who always can't seem to put their finger on what's wrong with others, yet constantly reproach themselves for all the little things they do wrong.

Went for dinner at mac with the alumni and quite a number of band members, then played left 4 dead. Damn, it really is fun! Really different when you're playing with people than when you're hitting it on single player.

2 hour conversations over the phone used to be a thing of the past. That changed yesterday, though. Good thing I didn't call. haha. I never thought I'd be able to stay up that long. Was already prepared to sleep once the conversation started, but the laughter kept me up.

My ads got removed because my adsense account got suspended =.= silly me. well, there goes my money. I was so close to getting my first $100 though.

Never looking at people the same way again, and never trusting again once it's been lost...selfish? egotistical? insecure? Or just a normal reaction?

2009-03-23T16:16:00.003+08:00

J'n hmbe zpv'qf efdjefe up dmjnc pvu boe hjwf ju bopuifs tipu. Gjoejoh zpvs ibqqjodtt tipvme nfbo J'e ibwf gpvoe njof. Cvu J ibwfo'u. J'n ibqqz gps zpv. Up tff zpv tnjmf...ju tipvme cf fopvhi. Cvu ju't opu.

J'e cffo jouspevdfe up uif xpsme pg ivsu boe opx J'n tuvdl jo ju. Gffmt mjlf b mjgf tfoufodf xjui op foe jo tjhiu. J epo'u nfbo ju cf nfmpesbnbujd. Xibu ep J lopx bcpvu qbjo, bozxbz? Opu nvdi, J'mm benju. Opu nvdi bu bmm.

J dbo gpshjwf zpv. Pg dpvstf J dbo; J'e bmsfbez gpshjwfo zpv npouit bhp. J dbo gpshjwf ijn, upp. J'wf hpu opuijoh bhbjotu ijn, boe ibwf op hppe sfbtpo up cf qsfkvejdfe. If nblft zpv ibqqz. Uibu't hppe fopvhi.

Bmuipvhi...tpnfujnft J xpoefs jg J'n sfbmmz bcpvu uif gpshjwfmftt qbsu.

J hbwf zpv nz ifbsu. Zpv uppl ju...zpv xbsnfe ju, boe zpv dbsfe.

Boe uifo zpv qvu ju uispvhi b nfbu hsjoefs.

Ju xbto'u uif qbjo bu gjstu. Ju xbt uif bctfodf pg ju. Cmppe tupqqfe gmpxjoh uispvhi nz wfjot, boe fwfszuijoh kvtu...tivu epxo.

J hbuifsfe uif cjut boe divolt...boe tmpxmz, tujudi cz tujudi, J qvu ju cbdl uphfuifs. Cbsfmz.

J Ibe b mjuumf ifmq. Tifszm, Bujrbi. Uifz xfsf uif...bobftuifujd.

Uifo J gfmu uif qbjo. Boe xjui fwfsz tujudi, ju hsfx, boe uifo ju uppl pwfs. Ju xbt bmm J dpvme gffm, bmm J dpvme uijol bcpvu.

J xbt sjhiu. Uif qbjo ofwfs mfbwft.

Ep zpv sfbmmz uijol J'n...Ibqqz?

J epo'u voefstuboe. Jg zpv xfsf sfbez, xiz ejeo'u J hfu b tfdpoe dibodf?

xiz...ijn?

J epo'u xbou up cf tfmgjti. Ju't efhsbejoh. J tvqqptf J tipvme kvtu mfu ju hp.

Op epvcu, J ep mpwf zpv. Uifsf ibt up cf tpnfuijoh up bddpvou gps uif qbjo J gffm.

Cvu...J dboopu usvtu zpv. Opu boznpsf.

Cfdbvtf J dboopu voefstuboe xiz zpv mfu uijt esfbn dpnf usvf, ipofzfe ju, boe uifo uvsofe ju joup b mjwjoh ojhiunbsf.

Uibol zpv gps uif qbjo. Uif ivsu xbt ivncmjoh.

Things are not always what they seem to be at first glance.

2009-03-21T21:38:00.001+08:00

O, In hell, life and time, most are nowhere. O, you with bible love?

Things are not always what they seem to be at first glance.

2009-03-21T00:43:00.002+08:00

"Go, and be happy."

"I don't...understand."

"Right. And you're telling me because...?

"Good for you, the world simply must rejoice!"

"I'm okay."

"How the..!?"

"So this is how it's meant to play out..."

"Feel like an idiot..."

"You said...!"

"Oh. I see."

"Okay. So, we were talking about the..."

Openings for the same conversation.

2009-03-20T08:47:00.004+08:00

Getting one of those bouts of wistful yearning for the past again.

Soccer and LAN with Ivan, band, school...so many wonderful things, so carefree, and time seemed to have passed in such a way as I could actually stop and look at things for what they were : enjoyable.

All that turned into this drab excuse for a life, years in which time as accelerated considerably so much so that everyday seems to have become insignificant, a fleeting moment compared to the deeper chapters they would have been in my earlier books.

cherish what you have, for if you falter, you will burn. this I promise you.

2009-03-17T19:33:00.000+08:00

You know when they say what you don't know can't hurt you?

Totally understand.

2009-03-16T22:56:00.002+08:00

Ironically, I'm sick today. No, it doesn't feel good to be sick. That would be just oxymoronic. I wonder how people put up with faking a fever, when a fever really makes you feel like crap.

Where love exists, everything that had once held meaning becomes redundant, and irrationality is the sole rule of all that walks the planes of the earth.

Where there are questions, there may be answers. When one runs out of questions, one runs out of hope. Hope that there might be answers.

The entire world is more or less made up of half-truths and whole lies. One man's truth is another man's lie, and then suddenly everything seems to fall inexplicably out of balance. And then only one thing is certain, and that is nothing is ever certain.

Where life is full of all the embellishment we call happiness, we fear the unbearable, we shun the unthinkable. Where it is a living hell, there is hope, or there is hopelessness.

If there is no balance in the world, there can be no world.

Everybody lies.

2009-03-15T11:23:00.002+08:00

Being dragged out to see a movie later. What's it called again? Hotel for Dogs? Holy crap. That sounds ginormously interesting. So in line with my age. Love dogs. Love movies. So I guess a movie about dogs can't be all that bad.

Damn. Armored Core isn't a cakewalk. It's been a long time since I've been frustrated with not being able to play a game out right. Maybe I should go back to playing FFIX on my PC.

Getting Breaking Dawn from carmen later. Lucky I'm able to meet her today, or I'll be bored to the brink of death next week, because I'm the DM for this week, and that means sitting in the office the entire damn day doing nothing but manning the god damn phone. Another pointless job.

Just had ACPC last Friday evening. Saw a few of my platoon mates; my section buddy came to see me after the dinner! They're commissioning next Saturday. OCS Commissioning Parade...I do hate those. And the fact that this is my batch getting their bars makes it that much worse. haha. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Envy works better in pairs or more.

Sleep is becoming something akin to russian roulette again. It's a little strange, and always so incomprehensible.

Does anyone really think people change, like really change? I kinda get this idea that more often than not, people adapt rather than change. You are who you are, what you are, and how you are, and pretty much nothing can change those facts. They're either inborn, or instilled during your youth so much so that it's become a part of you and you can never escape that fact.

A jerk will always be a jerk. He might play nice as a favour, to win favour, or if he's just having an off day, but inside, he's still a jerk.

I guess this is a pretty good excuse for people who think ex-convicts don't get a second chance, or ex-lovers will always be ex-lovers because sometime, somewhere, somebody screwed up.

Hmmm...not exactly like Bella and Jacob.

2009-03-10T21:19:00.001+08:00

First thing's first!

Church Raises $19m in 24hrs

LOL

Looks like we've got a competitor for City Harvest!

Daddy needs a new place to worship!

The second thing is...Guitar Hero World Tour is sitting in my room now in a big ass box and I'm just waiting for the day I can get my PS3. I can't wait to rock!

And for probably the hundredth time this month, I am hopelessly bored. For now, that is.

2009-03-08T23:14:00.002+08:00

In sleep at first we see nothing but the infinite darkness stretched out in immeasurable bounds ahead of and around us.

Then the images, consider yourself lucky or otherwise, begin to crawl in, surreptitiously but surely, and soon you find yourself living in your own story, a figment, or rather ethereal pieces of an unfinished puzzle floating in the air and coming, piece by piece, into place. The entire picture will never be seen, because dreams are almost always never complete.

They show you what you need or want to see, or what you dread the most, then disappear as quickly as they came. Sometimes they escape your memory. That's why at most times people can't remember what they'd dreamed the night before.

Welcome to your very own show. Spotlight's on you. And you have absolutely no control over what's going to happen over the course of your little charade. The script's all been written; written by a higher hand, perhaps? Or if you'd rather it be internalized, maybe your heart needs a talk with you. A rather recent memory, playing itself again just to make you remember?

And you wake up feeling...what, afraid? Grateful? Hopeful? Devastated, torn? Wistful? What have you seen?

Was the previous night dominated by the worst possible thing you could have thought of in the recent past, something you'd never want to see happen in reality? Or was it graced by the soft, luxurious mural of something sweet, something passionate, something you'd like to remember, even play out in reality?

What exactly...do we want to see?

Why am I asking so many questions? haha. Okay, question mark overload.

Sometimes it's not our worst nightmares we fear. They can sometimes set us free, though they can also be very horribly damaging. And at the same time, sweet dreams have the tendency to put a lot of unnecessary things in us. Things like hope (well false hope, actually). Things that remind...remind us of the very memories we long to forget.

It almost feels as if we're being played in a game where emotion runs free and plays dirty. We want to forget something, it comes back to haunt us.

Sometimes we wake up feeling "nah, that'll never happen."

Well, you never know. Of course, if you're imagining the ultimately impossible, like getting into bed with Arielle Kebbel, then I think you know when to back off. But all in all, you never know. Think of it as a subtle form of premonition.

Dreams. Annoying. Humbling. Unnecessary.

This...is going to take a while.

2009-03-07T13:56:00.002+08:00

When the whole world comes crashing down, who do you turn to? A friend? A family member? God?

It's weird how selfish people can be, people who believe so strongly, so unquestionably in God, yet at most times turn to him only when everything else as failed, or so they'd thought. The most logical thing to do at first is to try and seek help from someone tangible, someone who exists physically instead of merely spiritually. When those people are out of reach, or are unable to give you the aid you require, you look to the heavenly being spying from above. How crude.

God will answer all my prayers. God will open all my doors. God will give me the help I need.

So where is it, the help you mentioned? Why are you still crying? You haven't solved your problem? But I thought he had all the answers. Didn't he? He didn't? Or you didn't hear them right, or you couldn't understand? That make you feel better?

When things go well, we thank God for blessing us, for watching over us, for giving us those opportunities. When things go horribly awry, all we can say is "this is a mere test from God. It's my own fault things happened this way."

So when good things happen, he gets the credit, while when things screw up, we have only ourselves to blame? That's being horribly magnanimous, don't you think? Blame not God, for he is the almighty and all righteous.

I'm thinking of that song by The Fray...

"Where were you when everything was falling apart?"
"Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?"

It's also weird how people absolve God of all blame when things turn to shit. Earthquake. Someone gets out alive. "Thank God, for he hath protected me." Someone ends up dead. Family says "The Lord hath welcomed him to Heaven."

I feel like such a blasphemer. I don't think I am, though.

When things turn out they way you'd hoped,

The credit is yours and yours alone.

But when everything comes crashing down, my friend...

You only have yourself to blame.